Fear and Loathing in Vermont

[Dale]

Hey everyone, I want to give some background to my situation before delving into it headfirst. First of all, I'm 21 years old, a college student at a small college in VT, in my junior year, and about a year ago I broke up with a girlfriend who I had met at this school and fallen in love with. After two years, we had too many problems (especially after she moved back home after the first year), and she broke it off on Christmas Day over the telephone last year. It was ****ing terribly painful, I spent more time than I can even believe now suffering over this in school that winter, I was confused about everything in my life and abysmally deppressed for a greater part of this past year. I haven't really had anything with a girl here or anywhere since this girl, which hasn't helped.

 

Basically, in the beginning of last Fall semester, I began hanging out with a girl who I had talked to ocassionally the beginning of the year but never really got to know. She was beautiful, ridiculously sweet and pleasant (so much so that at the beginning I was skeptical of her honesty), and our interests were practically identical (both visual artists). I had known and talked to her boyfriend on and off, we also had some similair interests, but were never really great frinends. This past semester, I was over her and her boyfriend's apartment, (apprx. 2 houses down from where I know live) and would just hang out, drink frequently, and I would talk to this girl about virtually anything and everything. Over time, she told me one night that her boyfriend didn't like me, not just because of me, but because I was coming over and talking to her about the things they never really talked about (they had been together about 2 years, met in school as well). I talked to her alot about my ex-girlfriend (who sort of tried to keep in contact with me while going out with the guyfriend she originally told me she didn't feel romantically for), but we had good rapport and although I was always terribly awkward and quiet (by nature) when we weren't drunk or in the swimg of talking, she accepted it. Things with her boyfriend weren't going great even then I suppose, he was always enthusisatic, productive etc, but didn't really make her happy. Basically, about two weeks ago, I went on a school trip with her, her boyfriend, others and, while drunk but definitely not fully because of this, I told her I liked her.

 

She seemed set astray not disturbed or apprehensive, and grew quiet. When we got back to town, we went to her apt. to watch a movie we had planned to watch (her boyfriend was mad at her for some reason and went elsewhere after the bus), she inquired about it, and I told her what I felt, she was unconditionally beautiful, the most amazing and sincere person I had ever met, and that I felt awkward around her lately because I felt like this, didn't know how to handle it. She said she felt the same way about me, had always been attracted to me physically, got to know me as her favorite person, and didn't want to hurt her boyfriend, but that didn't have anything to do with me. The next night I went over to watch another movie, her boyfriend was there acting charmingly wierd as usual, I was nervous but felt like we had some understanding. She told me she had pretty much broken up with him, he wasn't really accepting it, they stiil had to live together because they could not afford to move anywhere alse. We went out into the freezing cold to get cigarettes, stopped to talk.

 

She said she meant what she said, that she was in love with me, I was the oinly person she had ever been completely honest with. Suddfenly I was apprehensive, didn't know if I was just being ridiculous or if I just knew in the back of my mind that it was too soon. We kissed, continued kissing, held eachother, she asked me if this is what I wanted I said yes. We got up to leave, and after relentlessly calling her on her phone during this, her boyfriend met us halfway, asked where she was, and pretended he didn't see the latter part of this, which he did. I went home confused and feelinmg terribly guilty (I always thought her boyfriend as a nice guy) and after a day or two, she called and brought stuff over to my house which I had left there the night before.

 

She told me about him seeing, that she told him it was all her fault and that she regretted it, but said she didn't completely regret it. Things had been hectic, and eventually when I aked her "what about us (as anything, hanging out, etc), she said your my best friend and I don't ever want to lose you. The thing is I kind of felt the same way, but have been since then, trying to understand how to be now. We have bben talking much less frequently than before (for obvious reasons I can't really go over there anymore and it's very difficult to do anything together) but it hasn't been cold (I've been busy with schoolwork and such). Ijust hung out with her tonight (she came over to watch a movie) and while I understand we should do just this, waht we did in the first place, her constant apologies for what happened drive me insane wondering wether or not there still might be something romantically after all of this, she doesn't have an option of moving until August and I go home two states away in the summer).

 

I guess I don't know how I feel, and she's not really being awkward at all, I just can not help but be terribly awkward, sometimes dull in speech and generally strange. I want to be comfotable with this, but I don't know if I can not think it over constatnly while away from her. I'm not sure if she just wants this, but I feel if there is a possibilty, I'm ruining it by acting like this (tonight was probably all right in her mind but I'm ridiculously embarrased by my lack of things to say and general strandeness toward her. I'm sorry, I know I'm writing like a third grader and not making much sense but there's so much, I think I would better at anwering questions than going on. Thanks for reading this and please tell me of any similar experiences or advice.

[laRubiaBonita]

well it is does not sound like continuing to see Your friend-girl would be a good idea. It will only keep you confused, and it gets her both men..win-win for her!

 

as hard as it may be, i would not hang out with her, for a good month..... if not longer.

 

if she wanted to get away from her bf soo bad, she would find a way.

[Dale]

Thanks for the reply. I understand how you could see that from what I wrote, the thing is that this girl is not kaniving or manipulative like that at all, and I feel this

 

even outside of my obviously biased opinion. I think you can kind of tell when a girll, or a guy, is playinmg the "I don't know what I'm doing right now but why

 

don't you hang around as a friend so I can feel good about myself until I find someone else" game, and in all honesty I don't feel that way at all. I have shown

 

that I can just be friends and that I fully understand that now is not a great time to go towards anyhing else, I just get mixed messages all the time and am more

 

struggling with myself. I think I just want to have the ability to guide myself through my own insecurities and worries until the time comes where I'll KNOW that

 

there is nothing, and at least appreciate it for what it is. Idon't even know how at the end of the night I can get so tangled in the STATUS of a relationship with

 

one of my best friends, but it feels selfish and possibly due to just not having that kind of companionship for so long, the feeling that I'm losing one of my only

 

chances at being at least happy in that respect.

[laRubiaBonita]

i totally understand not shutting out a Perfectly Good friend and person. But it is making you unhappy.

 

I think you can kind of tell when a girll, or a guy, is playinmg the "I don't know what I'm doing right now but why don't you hang around as a friend so I can feel good about myself until I find someone else" game, and in all honesty I don't feel that way at all.

you cannot always tell. and she may not even be totally aware that that is what is going on, but in a few days she will see she still gets the best of both worlds, with out any major heart ache.

 

I think I just want to have the ability to guide myself through my own insecurities and worries until the time comes where I'll KNOW that there is nothing

how are you going to do that when she will be there sending confusion your way? i really think some period of nc would help YOU sort your feelings..and help her by making her suck it up and enjoy her BF or realize she like s you better.