How do I get over this?

[Maddysmommy]

Hi everyone my name is Kelly and I'm new, sorry to introduce myself this way but I joined this forum because I feel like I'm losing my mind, nights are the worst because my brain won't shut off and it always ends the same hours of crying then I pass out. Here is my issue....

 

When I was 15 I met a man 8 years my senior, nothing about how we met or conducted our relationship was normal neither of us had shining examples and even though my mother should have cared that I was dating someone that much older then me she encouraged it.

 

I moved in with him 2 weeks after we met, got engaged shortly after and married him at 18. Meanwhile almost from the beginning I began helping him raise his son from a previous relationship. At 19 I got pregnant with our daughter and at 20 gave birth and threw everything I had into being a better mom then I had and making sure I raised her right and with the ability to actually have a childhood unlike me.

 

So here we are 14 years after we first met with a son turning 18 and a almost 10 year old daughter and I can tell you with 100% certainty I love my husband, but we have always had a very disfunctional marriage, I was so young I took my cues from him so we would fight and never resolve anything because he would freeze me out and we would go days without speaking and then act like it never happened, there was zero intimacy and we were essentially roommates.

 

This year I decided it was my time to follow my dream and go to college and it was by far the best decision I made not only to have an education but because I ended up having the most inspiring teacher who demanded my best and really became my mentor, I began to notice I was changing and that living the way I was wasn't cutting it anymore and I wanted so badly to reach out to my husband and try and repair our marriage but I was afraid and slightly insecure because at this time he began talking a lot about a girl he worked with and it was the first time in 14 years I remember feeling not only jealous but worried.

 

2 weeks before I graduated he came into our bedroom and told

Me he was leaving me when I was done, I was floored I reacted out of anger because I knew in my gut he was leaving me for her.

 

I tried everything in those 2 weeks to save my marriage some things I'm not proud of and I failed so I packed very few belongings and moved 900 km away, less then 24 hours after my daughter and I left the girl he vehemently denied even liking was in my apartment, I hit bottom I don't think I was surprised I just hoped I was wrong. Everything in my gut told me this man is my soul mate and I was now irrevocably broken, and tossed aside as his garbage for someone younger and prettier and I did not take this well. I'd already been on Ativan since it started and I was popping them like candy now but being in healthcare I knew I was in trouble and needed help so I went to the doctors and got on anti depressants and began counseling.

 

I began to forge a new life for my daughter and I and I lost a ton of weight and started taking care of myself and then the other shoe dropped and after only 30 days he was now dating this girl, despite him telling me he wasn't interested in dating he just wanted to be alone, to me this was the final blow if I had to hear him say one more time he didn't love me like he should or that we are bad for each other or if we were going to fix it we would have I would jump out the window.

 

In my genius brain I decided best way to get over him is to date and get back on the horse which turned out to be a horrible experience because I picked the one guy who I think screws with women's heads for fun and after my self esteem took a huge hit I walked away, not long after I reunited with my high school boyfriend and he wasn't perfect but he treated me well in the beginning and as my crap luck would have it he knocked me up the first time we got intimate.

 

Things spiraled from there and long of the short he turned out to be a raging alcoholic who cared so little about anyone but himself that he didn't notice that I was sick and hadn't been out of bed in more then a day and I was literally dying, my kidneys and liver were shutting down and I had a full systemic infection and lost the baby and spent weeks in the hospital recovering. Needless to say I ended that relationship.

 

During all this my ex husband and I had began talking, not as in reconciling but really just trying to forge a friendship so our daughter didn't feel torn and I won't lie in the back of my head I always hoped for reconciliation but assumed it would never happen so I settled for having him back as the best friend he was in the beginning ( keep in mind I have no family he is literally all I have ). So when all this sickness crap came about and I was finally on the mend he said " just come home, your struggling out there and we seem to be the only ones who have each other's backs " ( the girl he left me for turned out to be nuttier then a fruit cake and std riddled too) so I agreed to come back as his friend so I could get help with our daughter.

 

He kept hinting about working on our marriage, and if I'm honest I wanted that more then I wanted anything else and we did a lot of talking and a lot of boundary setting and talked about what the other needed to feel loved and appreciated all things we never discussed the first time around and things were great for a bit until one day I opened a folder on the computer and saw pictures of our old apartment he had moved out of and in these pictures I noticed after we left he had erased every trace my daughter and I ever existed and that opened the flood gates to a dam I didn't know was there.

 

I opened up about it to him and he handled it amazingly and I felt so supported he has been amazing but, now issues have popped up I never expected after a night last week when we got intimate and he could have been watching paint dry for all the involvement I got, I felt inadequate, unwanted, undesirable and it made me question everything.

 

1) I hate everything in this apartment even though I worked for it because she's been in here.

 

2) he said he didn't love me like that anymore now he does? What changed?

 

3) I know he didn't sleep with her before we seperated but I still feel deeply betrayed and he doesn't understand why.

 

4) I'm mad at him for putting my daughter and I through this which put me in the position to be hurt by these other men ( although I do have ownership too )

 

5) he was always my safe place, I never questioned his loyalty and now I feel so alone everyday and I don't know if I can ever get back the trust I once had in him.

 

6) he still works with this woman and right now it's unavoidable but it makes me crazy everyday, I clean and scrub the apartment all day trying to scrub her out of everything, he insists on keeping the sheets and duvet she bought him for his birthday because apparently they are just things and I should attach emotions to them.

 

7) my husband thinks it's a choice that I could move past this if I just decided to and I don't know how to make him understand I would give anything to let it go but my brain won't shut off.

 

God I could go on about every insecurity I now have and the biggest one is I haven't talked to him about these latest ones because I don't want to lose him even though I'm smart enough to know if I don't deal with it it's a guarantee our marriage is over it's just a matter of when.

 

I love this man so much but I don't trust him one bit anymore and everytime I close my eyes I either see her, or him with her, or all of my mistakes and I just want some peace.

 

He is worth it and so is our marriage and my daughter is happier then I've ever seen her why can't I be???

 

Sorry for the novel!! Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and offer advice.

Edited September 3, 2014 by Maddysmommy
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[travelbug1996]

Its difficult when you love someone that you don't trust. That is a very confusing state of mind to be in.

 

I would just suggest that you focus on your daughter and doing things that make you happy.

 

If he wants to regain your trust he will begin doing so by being open and honest with you.