shiftedblue Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 So in April a big problem in my family came to the forefront and now I'm not on speaking terms with my older sister. This is due to her husband who has been inappropriate with me and my younger sister on a number of occasions. We ignored it for years, my parents even know and did nothing and continue to do nothing. The straw that broke the camel's back was when my younger sister got a message on her iPhone saying "John soandso's imac is using (her phone number) for messages" which meant he was intercepting her texts. I should ment I need he is an IT guy so he knows how to do all this crap. So anyway at the same time I've rekindled a friendship with a girl I was close to before me and my husband were together. This girl just got out of a 3 year relationship and has been acting pretty wild/self destructive, going home with guys from bars and stuff. I've been out with her a lot. But I of course never go home with anyone or anything. I always invite my husband. I always keep in touch when l he doesn't come. And I have also encouraged my friend to get help because she isn't happy with the choices she's been making. So between the family drama and this friend, my husband and I have been fighting a lot. The last blow out he said he doesn't want me hanging out with her. He also wants me to report the brother in law to the police for the creepy **** he has done over the past few years. I do not want to stop seeing my friend and I also don't think the police can do anything, nor do I want to cause more of a rift with.my family than there already is... the last blow out was so bad with hubby that he's been cold to me for days now. Idk what the right things to do are. I feel isolated and alone having lost my sister. I don't want to give up my friend. I don't want to upset my husband more either. Link to post Share on other sites
being the best me Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Ask yourself what is more important, your husband or everybody else. Toxic friends are no good for your marriage and you said yourself your brother in-law is a creep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 As long as they are of legal age, he can hit on whoever he wants and it is not a legal issue. If he is trying to have sex with someone under age or is an incompetent dependant adult, you may even be required to report it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 You seem to be on both sides of the fence. On one hand you're outraged at your BIL's conduct and the lack of response from your parents: This is due to her husband who has been inappropriate with me and my younger sister on a number of occasions. We ignored it for years, my parents even know and did nothing and continue to do nothing. But on the other hand you're afraid of upsetting anyone: nor do I want to cause more of a rift with.my family than there already is... So I'll say two things. First, not clear to me (and probably the people around you) what exactly you stand for. And second, were I your husband, there would be no time or place for all this friend and family drama in my life. I'd have better things to do and would hope the same would be true for you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 In regards to you're irresponsible friend, I think your husbands requests and concerns are valid and legitimate. Hanging out in bars getting hit by men is not an environment and activity conducive to a healthy marriage. Flip things around, how would you feel if he was going out to bars as a wingman for some single friend of his who was banging different women all the time? Would it really make any difference to you if he was there buying drinks and partying it up with other women even if he says, " but Honey, I'm not actually the one putting my penis into these woman, Joe is."? Would you be cool with that? If your answer to that is a sincere yes and you don't want anyone to put any restrictions on you picking up men in bars, then you probably shouldn't be married in the first place and you might as well divorce and go back to being single yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shiftedblue Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 I read thru and I agree I wouldn't want him to do the same to me. Idk why it takes a few days and a relationship forum to make me realize these things. But he's still so mad at me so many days later. He's either withholding affection or he's really so mad he doesn't want to speak to me (more than a few words here and there about dinner etc) and he hasn't touched me since, even to hug me goodbye before work. In my mind I feel he should soften by now. I even tried to apologize but he would not hear it. Idk how to proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
being the best me Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Have a conversation with him and go over his conserns. Agree with them and explain how your going to address them. At a later time you both need to sit down and discuss issues with care and respect for each others point of views. Than if you can't agree both of you need to learn how to not compromise but mutually come up with a different solution so no one feels like a winner or loser. That's how you put your partner first and you will have a stronger marriage because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Sounds like you husband is wanting you to choose to put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your marriage: - Your BIL has cracked onto you and your younger sister. He's not taking no for an answer. - You're going out to bars a lot with a single friend who parties Can you see where his mind is headed? He wants you to protect yourself and your marriage from your predatory BIL. If you've really told BIL to stop, and he keeps doing it, then it is harrassment. You could send BIL a cease and desist letter. That will show your husband that you are putting him and your marriage before your famiily politics...itwill show him that he and your marriage are important. He wants you to protect yourself and your marriage from infidelity. He's asking you to stop hanging round with your partying friend. Given that she already regrets her behaviour, why encourage it by going with her? Why put yourself in situations (alcohol, opportunity etc) where cheating could happen? Especially when you're having conflict in your marriage. I think you have a rather great husband.He's not ignoring it all. He's not being passive aggressive about it. He maybe overreacting a little about going to the police, but he's talking to you about it. He values your marriage and wants you both to protect it together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Agree with your husband on the hanging out in bars. There is no way in the long run anything good can come of a married woman going out regularly with a friend who is hooking up with men at bars. What happens when one of her admirers has a friend with him and sit down at your table with you. You are basically on a virtual date with another man unless you get up and leave. Maybe you like the attention and do not want to admit it. If this is a good friend of yours, he should not mind her coming to your house or going to a quiet ace to get something to eat and converse. But to pick up joints, no way Link to post Share on other sites
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