Staying in touch in a new relationship when on vacation

[fonoma]

I've been dating a guy for 5-6 weeks now. Things were going great, he's been very into me to the point that I was afraid he'd scare himself off, and has expressed numerous things for us to do in the future, some with actual concrete dates, and just two Fridays ago during a romantic dinner and movie evening at my place he told me he wanted me to meet his best friend who lives out of town soon.

 

After 2-3 weeks of dates I started feeling insecure because he started texting less but he'd still make plans to see me and go on dates, he'd just make most of the plans in person. He put off other plans to go to my Birthday party with a ton of people he didn't know, and same with my office party, and always cooks for me and takes me to places he enjoys. We would hang out or go on dates 3-4 times a week and spend most of Saturdays together and we have been intimate. So last week he left on vacation. He's quite a loner and has been looking forward to escaping to the mountains for 10 days to hike, run,fish, camp, etc. He was acting a bit distant the few days before he left and while he made time to see me he wasn't all there. I chalked it up to him being all focused on the trip. He said he'd send pictures. He sent one the night he left (Thursday) and one Sunday, nothing personal just a photo and description. Now he is just posting things to Instagram and nothing to me. It also bothers me that his very recent ex is still liking things on there, but that is another story. Am I wrong to be hurt that he doesn't text me just a little bit during the trip? I didn't expect him to at first but now that I see him on social media... Is he expecting me to say anything to him?

 

I hear so often of guys acting super into a girl for weeks even before suddenly realizing it's not right for them and they start the silent withdrawal. If my gut is experiencing a fear of this recently and he doesn't seem to miss me on his trip (or worry that I may still be seeing other guys), I should probably prepare myself for the worst? Or am I really being that trivial and insecure since this was a big vacation he was looking forward to?

[Zahara]

Have you tried reaching out to him?

 

I remember your past threads whereby he had daily communication when he first started courting you and then it started to taper off after sex and it seems like it's now become the norm with him.

 

It does seem like communication with you isn't a priority because I'd soon enough spend time talking to someone I care about versus using the time to post on Instagram.

 

Very recent ex? What does that mean?

[fonoma]

I've heard a lot of advice saying not to bother the person on vacation and just wait until they express interest in seeing you again afterwards. But there have been one or two times when he asked me something sort of specific i.e."did you go out last night?" when he doesn't hear from me for the whole day, so maybe he expects me to make more of an effort?

 

He's only had a few period of downtime with wifi so far so he posted several pictures from his whole day at once on Monday and one on Tuesday around the same time.

 

I spoke with his roommate that I'm friends with but she doesn't know him that well– he was in an on again off again relationship for a long time with this girl and she said she lost track of how many times they broke up. From what she knew he had a problem with being too aloof among other disagreements and that was why they fought a lot. The other roommate call him a "lone wolf" and that the girl was his "seasonal girlfriend". I am fairly certain she was at their house a few days before he asked me out on our first date, but don't know yet if they're still talking. If they spent any time together it wasn't very much as I had most of his free time or at least knew where he was during the first 4/5 weeks.

[Zahara]

Yes, I don't normally bother a partner when they are on vacation but sending a short text, "thinking about you" that isn't requiring a back and forth or something short and simple every other day or so is thoughtful and hardly bothersome. When I love/care about someone, whether I am on vacation or vice versa, contact isn't frowned upon, it's welcomed.

 

If he can post pictures with limited wifi, then it isn't very hard to send a text that takes about two seconds to type and send. That isn't a reasonable excuse.

 

Lone wolf. His ex experienced the same behavior from him. And it seems that it affected her and is also affecting you. The saying, "past behavior is a predictor of future behavior" -- he is just being who he is. Is it something you can live with, you have to ask yourself that question. And these off and on relationships -- it's the hardest to detach from and maybe he's not fully emotionally available since it seems like the ex is still in the picture to some extent.

 

Maybe wait and see how he behaves when he gets back from his vacation. There are a couple of orange flags that you need to take heed and gauge the situation when he gets back.

[mammasita]

If he can post pics to instagram, yes I would wonder why he didn't have a few seconds to send me something. My second question is why is he still friends with his ex?

[MissBee]

I understand why you're bothered. I would be too, but I'd try not to get worked up over it. Nothing is wrong with reaching out, saying something like "Thinking of you, hope you're having fun" isn't bothersome.

 

I'd wait until he gets back though and see where things go from there before worrying and imagining the worse now.

[fonoma]

Yes, I don't normally bother a partner when they are on vacation but sending a short text, "thinking about you" that isn't requiring a back and forth or something short and simple every other day or so is thoughtful and hardly bothersome. When I love/care about someone, whether I am on vacation or vice versa, contact isn't frowned upon, it's welcomed.

 

If he can post pictures with limited wifi, then it isn't very hard to send a text that takes about two seconds to type and send. That isn't a reasonable excuse.

 

Lone wolf. His ex experienced the same behavior from him. And it seems that it affected her and is also affecting you. The saying, "past behavior is a predictor of future behavior" -- he is just being who he is. Is it something you can live with, you have to ask yourself that question. And these off and on relationships -- it's the hardest to detach from and maybe he's not fully emotionally available since it seems like the ex is still in the picture to some extent.

 

Maybe wait and see how he behaves when he gets back from his vacation. There are a couple of orange flags that you need to take heed and gauge the situation when he gets back.

 

Couldn't it also be that they weren't that attached as they were able to break up so often? I know the girl is known to be a bit of a flirt as well. And since her accounts are all private I'm not able to see if he's interacting with her as well. He hasn't really tried to hide her existence and referred to her in conversation as his ex around the same time he asked me if I saw us going anywhere (on the second date... so maybe he changed his mind.)

 

Yes I agree that those are some big orange flags that I'm starting to emotionally prepare myself to move on from. I want to be able to have a serious conversation though before anything else happens, so I'm of course really hoping he tries to get back in touch soon after he gets back. Unfortunately he is still my trainer for 2 more weeks (he's had a crush on me since before I started training with him 2 months ago and yes, he asked my boss if he could ask me out so he was at least serious at one point.) So we are forced to see each other Monday morning. I wanted our initial meet up to be initiated by his own will :/

 

Maybe she really is back in the picture and that is why he was withdrawing. Also, this kinda sucks but he's had a history of phone problems that I've confirmed other people have, though not many. At least on one occasion I never received a text he sent when he was walking and left a wifi location, and on many more my texts never went through until he restarted his phone and half of the few times I've tried calling him it didn't work. But a big part of me tells me he hasn't texted anything since Sunday anyway.

 

Should I send him a "hope you're still having fun out there" sort of message some time tomorrow?

 

Edit: So far he's only been on Instagram once a day so it's not like he's just been on it forever, as far as I know. And I just saw he posted a new photo. Should I comment on it?

Edited September 3, 2014 by fonoma

[Zahara]

Couldn't it also be that they weren't that attached as they were able to break up so often?

 

Quite the contrary. Off and on relationships are toxic. Those are the relationships that are difficult to detach from because for whatever unhealthy reasons, both keep gravitating and clinging to each other.

 

He asked you if you saw "us" going anywhere during the second date. I think that was too soon.

 

But a big part of me tells me he hasn't texted anything since Sunday anyway. Should I send him a "hope you're still having fun out there" sort of message some time tomorrow?

 

My question to you is, why do you not reach out once in awhile? What makes you second guess yourself or cause you to resist such a simple reach out. I mean if you two can have sex, why is a text so difficult?

 

Edit: So far he's only been on Instagram once a day so it's not like he's just been on it forever, as far as I know. And I just saw he posted a new photo. Should I comment on it?

 

Again, if he can be on Instagram once a day, he has capability to get online and has the capability to send you a text. If I were you, I'd send a text and see if he responds. Maybe it's time you do your part and see where that goes.

[mikethemechanic]

Need to come grips that he maybe emotionally tied to his ex. If he's emotionally attached to her then you need A stop button and and move on.

[fonoma]

I just spoke to my friend who has known him as a roommate and friend for 2 years now and he told me this:

• The ex isn't a threat– there were many fundamental differences between them that drove them apart (even though they kept coming back together.) He sited her as being high maintenance and super religious as divisive factors. She still wants them to get back together but he cut things off with some more finality a few weeks before he asked me out

• He is a serious loner and is content with sparse contact, which drove the ex nuts (and probably wouldn't bode well with me, either.) He will often go off on his own for a while before returning to society and other people

 

He told me I shouldn't worry or be put off if he doesn't contact me as much anymore but instead worry more about whether or not I can handle it. So I guess that is what it comes down to. At least this is all a learning experience for me and of what I can and can't handle. I also need to develop and work on my conversation and communication skills, so I guess that's the next step when he gets back...

 

I will probably shoot off a simple message some time tomorrow just wishing his trip is still going well, just in case he actually was expecting me to reach out to him.

[Zahara]

He told me I shouldn't worry or be put off if he doesn't contact me as much anymore but instead worry more about whether or not I can handle it. So I guess that is what it comes down to. At least this is all a learning experience for me and of what I can and can't handle. I also need to develop and work on my conversation and communication skills, so I guess that's the next step when he gets back...

 

So, that means there is no compromising in the relationship in that you just have to accept him the way he is rather than two people coming to a middle ground? So, if you can't handle it, what happens then? He's perfectly fine with letting you go because you can't deal? That statement leads me to believe it's a take it or leave it?

[fonoma]

Sorry, to clarify that is what my friend suggested, not the guy I've been seeing. I should've used some other indicators in there!

[fonoma]

Update: He texted when he got back late on Sunday night saying he was back in town and with a new dog he adopted/rescued on the trip. He sent some pictures and said he'd see me in the morning.

 

I saw him a bit before our session and he gave me a big tight hug (we never kiss when we're in his place of work) and we chatted for about half an hour. He told me about his trip and how he preferred to mostly stay out of touch with people as I guess that was the point of the trip. He said he couldn't remember how many pictures he sent me and that he hardly ever had service and things weren't going out anyway. During our session we talked a bit but he wasn't super talkative (though he usually isn't terribly talkative during our sessions, even when I knew he was super interested.) After it was over he made a move to hug me again before I left but didn't because I was super sweaty (no offense taken ) and said he'd talk to me later and maybe go for a walk so I can meet his new dog. He expressed some concerns about not having much money after his trip and how he had a lot of things to take care of (bills, dog and vet stuff that's all new, etc.) so I understand that he's pretty busy this week still.

 

I never heard from him for the rest of the day, however, which isn't too typical, though I guess I could have texted. I just didn't because I assumed he was saying he would and wanted to wait and see. He was home probably taking care of unpacking and such and writing his clients' workouts since he sent me mine shortly after I fell asleep.

 

I saw him at the gym this morning but he never made a move to come over to chat as he had clients all morning. He texted me finally after I got to work later asking how my workout was. I said it was great (I saw him watching me in the mirror from far away like he always does, but when he was up close he never looked at me.) I asked how his dog was and he said he was taking him to the dog park. When I excitedly said I wanted to see the dog soon I never got a response.

 

I'm torn between two forms of advice I keep seeing on this topic over and over– obviously something is going on where he is less interested, but at this point is he expecting me to initiate more or is it time for me to pull away and let him chase if he really is interested? Is he stringing me along trying to figure out what to do with me? I have a feeling I haven't been acting interested enough and being pretty neutral except in where I hint I'd like to see him again like with the dog comment, but I don't want to push any more and chase him. I'm making an effort to meet other guys and have something to do this week to meet someone new so he hopefully won't be my only option anymore, but I just am at a loss as to how I should be behaving.

 

Should I express directly that I want to see him some time this week or just sit back and wait?

Edited September 9, 2014 by fonoma

[Zahara]

I think he mentioned that he wants you to meet the dog at some point. I'd let him make those plans with you. But I would still keep some communication going on as in engaging at the gym, maybe texting a good morning tomorrow -- and yes, date other guys.

 

Going to the dog park is a perfect way to get some alone time with you. And the fact that he never responded about you wanting to see the dog, just let him come to you in terms of asking you out again. He knows you want to see him again.

[fonoma]

Well he beat me to texting this evening after he had his group workout. I responded, he responded but didn't follow up. I asked a question relating to it, responded again without anything to add. He texted again later and brought up some more stuff about how busy he still is but never asked me anything about myself which is pretty unusual. Why text and not carry on the conversation? Boring...

 

I'm in the process of remaking my OKC account. Oh well.

Edited September 10, 2014 by fonoma

[fonoma]

I recently had a thread about this guy I've been seeing when he was away on vacation for 10 days (completely alone in the mountains, camping and such). Things were going well between us and by the time he was going on his trip we'd been together 5~6 weeks and saw each other 3-4 times a week. We kept in touch every day, though it got to be much less after the first week. We've been intimate but never had any serious talks about anything related to us, though he's laid down many hints in the beginning that he wanted this to go on in the future. He took his time getting to know me a bit more before he even asked me out.

 

So the week he left for vacation he seemed less communicative and I tried to not worry because I figured he was focused on the trip and packing and he's a lot better than me at compartmentalizing things and focusing on work or studies whereas I'd be more willing to make more time to see him, but I was anxious thinking he wasn't going to make plans to see me before he left Thursday morning so Monday night I asked him out to dinner on Tuesday (I initiate plans maybe 1/3 of the time, and he usually pays so I figured it was my turn.) He seemed distracted and not quite there. We had a really brief breakfast after seeing each other at the gym on Thursday but he was again distracted and checking his watch (but there was really no reason to be rushing.) On the trip I hardly heard from him, which learning about his personality I heard was pretty normal as he likes to be alone quite a bit and doesn't stay in touch with people. I didn't even know when he was coming back, but he did text me when he got back.

 

I saw him Monday and he gave me a big, tight hug (since we were at his workplace and don't kiss there) and we talked about his trip. He said he was going to be busy because he picked up a rescued dog who needed help and vet treatments, was broke from the trip until pay day, and had a lot of work to catch up on. He told me he'd talk to me later so I could maybe come walk with his dog and see him. I never heard from him for the rest of the day but I know he was home, had been on Facebook for a bit, and that he's been taking the dog out every day for long walks.

 

I saw him but we weren't able to talk at the gym Tuesday morning and later he texted asking how I was. I responded and asked about the dog and then later said I'd love to see his dog soon but he never responded. Later in the evening he texted me again about his workout and about the work/schedule he had for the next day (busy) but didn't really ask me anything about myself or plans and the conversation wasn't going anywhere so I stopped responding as his last one didn't warrant it. Yesterday (Wednesday) we both had super busy days but he texted again in the evening asking how my day was and told me what he did and that it was busy day. We chatted a bit about various things, but he again didn't ask about my plans and the conversation ended after I answered a question of his. Both of these past two days I was planning on texting him first since he's initiated since he's been back, but he beat me to it (which is nice.)

 

We haven't really spent time together now in 2 weeks and I thought he'd have missed me by now. I get he's busy, so I could just be more patient, but why hasn't he tried to set time for us to get together this Friday or weekend? I'm pretty sure he'll have way more time then. I have other things I can do and people to schedule with but I have honestly missed him and wish he wanted to see me as much as he used to, and don't appreciate being a last minute thing, and I'm afraid he might not want to see me at all. Should I wait until he figures out his own stuff and finally asks me to do something? Or should I ask him about his Friday schedule (he might not have much work at all) and see if he wants to meet for dinner or something? A part of me is terrified that he will turn me down, but I guess if he does, then it really does mean he has lost his interest and I can move on...

Edited September 11, 2014 by fonoma

[Diezel]

This sounds way too complicated right now. It just reads like he lost interest.

 

Listen, just ask about Friday. If he blows you off, and has no counter-offer at all... that's it.

 

Sometimes it's better to take the preemptive initiative than to wait. Afraid of him rejecting your invite? Would you rather keep doing this for weeks instead?

[Zahara]

Bite the bullet and ask him. If he declines, then at least you'll have your answer. It's much better than sitting around fretting about him.

 

I have a feeling he's lost interest and maybe because you both see each other at the gym, he's doing the bare minimum to avoid confronting you about how he feels.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he's losing interest. Just go ahead and ask if he wants to get together this weekend. If he's wishy-washy or declines, then I'd call it a day.

[mightycpa]

Whether he's lost interest or not, he's probably never going to give you the attention you want. I'm struck by the part about the dog. A dog needs and will give that constant companionship; but it won't talk. So he and that dog will get closer and spend more time together than you will.

 

Metaphorically, you want him to be your dog, and you to be his. Constant contact, lots of interaction, running and playing together. I don't see it, based on what you've written.

[fonoma]

Well why is he contacting me every day if he's just doing the bare minimum? I mean, he could just ignore me and wait for me to ask him how his day was. He's working long hours again today so I'll wait until he's done with work after 8 to see what his plans are for Friday. Then ill know. He's had very legit reasons for not seeing me yet this week, but not for not having made plans for this weekend.

 

Like I mentioned before, its been a recurring problem in his last relationship to act distant and then reenter reality or the relationship or whatever, but I don't know if it meant he completely lost interest. I just don't get why he'd act so affectionate and close for a while, spend four days straight with me after 5 weeks of dating and then suddenly lose interest. It's possibly true that what he really wanted was a dog and not a girlfriend. I just hate that he let me feel like I could open up to him and be vulnerable and then just drop me suddenly.

[mightycpa]

This is exactly why I always counsel dating multiple people. One guy/girl treats you like this, but you're too busy with the next one to notice. You sort people according to the way you're being treated AND your interest level... not just one or the other. New people come in and the least desirable are replaced, over and over until you end up dating two or three high quality people with interest.

 

The other people you date give you perspective, and generally prevent you falling for someone who is not genuinely interested. You don't get invested in the obviously wrong people.

 

Biting your fingernails over people one at a time is so inefficient.

[Zahara]

Well why is he contacting me every day if he's just doing the bare minimum?

 

Contacting you everyday with the basic "how is your day" is the bare minimum when compared to the intensity he exhibited when he first met you. He knew how to plan dates, he was proactive with dating you, he was thinking of dates for the future and he showed you interest. Contact everyday doesn't mean much when it isn't indicating progression, especially when this is a very new relationship.

 

He's had very legit reasons for not seeing me yet this week, but not for not having made plans for this weekend.

 

Busy is never an excuse, Fonoma. If he really wanted to see you, he would make time. Meet you at the dog park to have a quick picnic? He seems more invested with the dog. In the beginning you said he was planning dates for the future. What has happened to all that energy a month or so in? A month and it's dwindling. What happens in 6 months?

 

I just don't get why he'd act so affectionate and close for a while, spend four days straight with me after 5 weeks of dating and then suddenly lose interest.

 

It's not uncommon for people to lose interest when things are new. It's happened to me, it's happened to a lot of us on LS. He was so affectionate, spent 5 days with you and then disappeared when he went on his trip. If anything, I would be so excited to see the person I am dating and wanting alone time with them after being away. Sometimes it's very straightforward and simple. We just don't want to pay attention to blatant signs because it hurts.

 

It's possibly true that what he really wanted was a dog and not a girlfriend. I just hate that he let me feel like I could open up to him and be vulnerable and then just drop me suddenly.

 

Unfortunately, dating/relationships are risks we take.

 

Ask him out and see what he says. See if he starts to put more effort and energy into sustaining your needs. If he does, then maybe he just hit a slump but if he doesn't, it would be times for you to start dating others and stepping away from any expectations you have for him.

[fonoma]

Thanks for the responses guys. I went on a running date/meetup this morning with a nice guy who I'll probably see again next week, and will be arranging a meetup with at least one or two others next week as well. I met all of these people on Tinder so far, as I have yet to find anyone even remotely interesting and also that I find attractive on OKC. I kept thinking about the current guy this morning so hopefully after something more definitive happens (he turns me down for hanging out Saturday) then I can start distancing myself and stop obsessing. I know the guy I've been dating is still attracted to me (he had his body facing me and was watching me all of Tuesday morning's workout from afar), but I guess there is something else going on with him that I may never know about.

 

I was only half looking at dating when he first asked me out– I had several guys I knew were interested but I wasn't really, even though they were all great and nice. I didn't feel any connection with them, but had a crush on this guy who I knew also had a crush on me. It seems I have a very hard time wanting to date someone unless I've had the time to develop feelings on my own, and this was the first time ever that those feelings were reciprocated. I don't think I've ever developed feelings for someone that I didn't already develop feelings for before they asked me out. So I didn't have any other guys I could focus on unfortunately...

 

I don't really like the idea of online dating and have done it a few times before, but everything always fell flat and I never felt a spark, or connection, or excitement about anyone. It was always lukewarm. I don't know if it's the method of how we met (less organic than meeting in person) or if I just need more time to warm up to people or what... but hopefully this time I will not make the same mistake and get excited about someone who is so excited about me and just keep my options open...

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is exactly why I always counsel dating multiple people. One guy/girl treats you like this, but you're too busy with the next one to notice. You sort people according to the way you're being treated AND your interest level... not just one or the other. New people come in and the least desirable are replaced, over and over until you end up dating two or three high quality people with interest.

 

The other people you date give you perspective, and generally prevent you falling for someone who is not genuinely interested. You don't get invested in the obviously wrong people.

 

Biting your fingernails over people one at a time is so inefficient.

 

I agree with this SO much. I always multi-date until I meet somebody I feel is worth focusing on. As you say, it stops you from obsessing over people who just aren't worth it, and the best candidates for a relationship rise to the top while you forget about the ones who aren't giving you what you want. I'm always upfront with dating partners that I'm seeing others too and that they should also.

 

I don't really like the idea of online dating and have done it a few times before, but everything always fell flat and I never felt a spark, or connection, or excitement about anyone. It was always lukewarm. I don't know if it's the method of how we met (less organic than meeting in person) or if I just need more time to warm up to people or what... but hopefully this time I will not make the same mistake and get excited about someone who is so excited about me and just keep my options open...

 

Keep trying. I have online dated extensively and I would say that 80% of the men I met I had no interest in seeing again. Not because they did anything wrong or weren't cool people, just because there was no spark. There are people out there you'll connect with who will treat you better than this original guy, online dating will just help you to connect whereas you might not have bumped into one another in the gym or wherever else you hang out.

 

Every time I get my heart broken or have a split I feel like I'll never meet anyone else I love as much, fancy as much, have as much to talk about with. I always do. There is no one soulmate out there.