mom of teens with an absent father

[amaysngrace]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm in need of some words of wisdom from anybody who had to try and soothe their teens from being ignored by their dad. I'd also appreciate anybody else's wisdom if you have some because maybe I'm too close to the situation to see things or do things the right way.

 

For most of my teenagers' lives their dad has been uninvolved. When they were little he'd not show up on his weekends by canceling the day he was suppose to get them. Sometimes he wouldn't even call.

 

Sometimes they went months without seeing him. We live 25 minutes away and he passes by here on his way home from work.

 

He has been there for major events like their communions, confirmations and graduations so it probably leaves them more confused about it all because he is so flighty.

 

He was going to take our son for his driving test yesterday and asked that our son take the test on a Tuesday. Monday he says he can't do it because he had to work. I took him instead and the dad never even bothered to shoot him a text to wish him luck or ask if he passed.

 

The dad gets report cards sent to his house. When our son wasn't working up to his potential the dad would yell at him and belittle him. Our son made honors this entire past year and the dad never once said good job to our son.

 

The dad was off on our son's birthday this year, I worked that day, and while the dad did text him Happy B Day he didn't ask our son to see him that day. That hurt my son's feelings. I let the dad know and he texted him him later that night but they didn't get together and they haven't seen each other since.

 

The dad hasn't seen our daughter since before her birthday and that was in the middle of July.

 

Both of them think he's a piece of crap and I'm okay with them thinking that because I'd rather them think there is something wrong with him than thinking there is something wrong with them.

 

But our daughter has problems dealing with it, she clings to every boy who pays her any attention and scares them off and our son seems to be doing okay but even he gets his hopes up for his dad to be someone he just is not.

 

I feel terrible for them. My heart breaks for them. And I wish I knew of a way to take the pain of not having a dad that gives a crap about them away.

[GorillaTheater]

That is friggin' AWFUL, Amay. I feel so bad for your kids.

 

You know that their father isn't going to step up to the plate. There's very little you or anyone else can do to change that. Are there any other men who can step in, at least to a point? Your dad, brothers, or trusted male friends?

 

It sucks so much. Your ex doesn't know what he's missing, or how deeply he's hurting his children.

[amaysngrace]

You know that their father isn't going to step up to the plate. There's very little you or anyone else can do to change that. Are there any other men who can step in, at least to a point? Your dad, brothers, or trusted male friends?

 

My dad died in March and there was much love there on all sides and I'm sure they still feel that loss, in fact I know they do because they both say it from time to time, about how much they miss their Pop.

 

Other than neighbor dads there really isn't too many others on a consistent basis and they are busy with their own families.

 

I try so hard to let them know how much they are loved and I do think other people who love them try to show them that too, when they aren't too busy, but it's just not the same as a dad.

[serial muse]

Oh, my.

 

Amay, your post really rang a bell with me because my dad was basically absent for most of our lives (he left my mother when I was one year old and my sister was three). Still is absent, to a large extent. Not particularly interested in us, and when he does talk to us, it's generally self-serving and angry about the world. We talk to him maybe once a year. Despite my own disappointment in him, I've always tried to include him in major milestones - graduation, wedding (he skipped the latter). Last year I sent him a photo of his grandson to announce the baby's arrival, trying to include him in the general joy and sense of family by saying "you're a grandpa!". He sent back a gift card for babiesrus signed "Mr. Lastname". :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Basically, he's kind of a shxt.

 

Anyway, sorry, this isn't about me, but I wanted to let you know that I was that teen. My sister (two years older) seemed to feel the pain more acutely as a child than I did, but the birth of my own son has actually brought a lot of angst over this to me in the last year - it's like I'm finally catching up on being pissed off and hurt after all these years.

 

I guess the thing is that they're going to feel this hurt, and you can let them know that it's OK to feel their feelings, and not to shut it up inside. It's hard but it's also the reality. I know my mother struggled with it. Other than that, it sounds like you're already doing what you can do - showing and telling them how much they are loved, and making sure that they hear from you - whether or not they're able to believe it fully at this time, hearing it does help - that the fault does not lie with them. My mother rarely spoke a bad word about my father (although she sure could have) but she just showered us with love and acceptance. She couldn't replace a father figure - that just is what it is. But she showed us what a loving parent looks like. And that goes a long way to soothing. And it's her that I model when I hold my own baby boy.

 

GT has a good thought too - if there's a positive male role model that you can bring into their lives, or who is already there, that would help too. My grandfather (mom's dad) was a wonderful man - he died when I was still a child, but he loved us fiercely and was a great father himself. It was good to know, even as a child, that dads like him were out there. My best friend's father was also a great guy - he always took pride in my accomplishments as a kid, and it was such a joy to be at their house and see what a good father looks like (even though it also made me a little sad). But he stayed interested and connected throughout my life, even if sometimes only through his daughter, and I do think that sort of influence matters.

Edited September 3, 2014 by serial muse

[Ronni_W]

My dad died in March and there was much love there on all sides and I'm sure they still feel that loss, in fact I know they do because they both say it from time to time, about how much they miss their Pop.

amaysn,

You're an 'amaysn' mom, and your children are most fortunate.

 

I think moms (and dads) sometimes make the "mistake" of not wanting to show their own lack of knowing the best way to fix or make better. It's okay for children to learn that about their parents.

 

You may want to consider asking your children if they want you to look into (age-appropriate) loss/grief counseling for them, or if they want a family trip to the bookstore to see if there's anything there that may appeal and assist.

 

I get the concern that your daughter may end up choosing a string of inappropriate romantic partners due to the negative influence of her father. There must be articles/books on that, but I don't know of any specific ones to offer as suggestions.

 

Again, you may just wish to share your such concerns with your daughter...and hopefully it will nudge some new ways for her to think, and open up different conversations between the two of you.

 

It's difficult I know. My dad died when brother and I were around 10 and 13...my mom did her best but actually failed us as children/teens for her lack of just being open and honest with us also about her fears and concerns, or making herself emotionally available through simple asking and talking with us directly.

 

Hugs and best.

[amaysngrace]

your post really rang a bell with me

 

I'm very sorry to hear that.

 

But I have to say you seem very well-adjusted, strong and sensible also. I especially enjoy when you bring your knowledge of anything scientific into the discussion.

 

I would have never guessed that you were once that teen. No way.

 

And that gives me hope for my own children's futures

 

But she showed us what a loving parent looks like. And that goes a long way to soothing. And it's her that I model when I hold my baby boy.

 

And this brought a tear to my eye.

 

Thank you for that and for sharing your story because it helped to soothe me a little.

 

xo

[amaysngrace]

Again, you may just wish to share your such concerns with your daughter...and hopefully it will nudge some new ways for her to think, and open up different conversations between the two of you.

 

It's difficult I know. My dad died when brother and I were around 10 and 13...my mom did her best but actually failed us as children/teens for her lack of just being open and honest with us also about her fears and concerns, or making herself emotionally available through simple asking and talking with us directly.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss, Ronni xo

 

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. Who my daughter turns into is my biggest fear to be honest.

 

Whenever she suffers a setback she internalizes it and blames herself for being inadequate. I truly worry about her having healthy relationships with men just from the patterns she's developing with the boys she dates.

 

She comes off as needy and clingy at such a young age. I don't know if what she expects from them is unrealistic, like having to fill a void in her life for her, or that they just want someone lighthearted and hers is too heavy.

 

Anyway I will definitely look into any books that can help me help her.

 

Thank you again.

[Quiet Storm]

Here are my suggestions, which you may already be doing...

 

Tell your daughter that women with absent fathers often seek out male attention & validation. They do this because it feels exciting (since they have missed out on healthy male attention), and as a way to prove to themselves they are worthy. But since they often choose emotionally unavailable men (like their fathers), it ends up causing more emotional pain and low self worth when the men abandon them like their father did.

 

It's important that your daughter is aware of this pattern so that she can acknowledge it, recognize it in herself and avoid getting attached to the wrong kind of guy. Women that are not aware of this dynamic often have the same type of relationships over & over, blindly thinking they just have bad luck with men. The fact is, she will likely feel genuinely drawn & attracted to these types of men, so she has to make a conscious effort to choose a different type of man. I think if more moms explained this dynamic to their daughters early on, it would help them to be introspective, and think "Why am I attracted to this kind of guy?" Knowledge is power.

 

Fathers protect. It's one of their most important jobs. Us Mom's can fiercely protect, as well, but I don't think it completely fills the hole. Your daughter and son may be missing that safe feeling that comes with being protected by, provided for and loved by a father. They feel safe with you, but it's different than having both parents, IMO. A kid with two involved parents feels safe & loved. A kid with one involved parent feels safe & loved by that parent, but there's still the questions running through their minds about the absent parent- "Why doesn't he care?", "Why did I have to get him for a father?". There is that underlying feeling of abandonment or feeling like they got the short end of the stick. You are doing great by allowing them to realize that it's HIM that has the issues, and not something they did wrong. Keep reiterating it. Discuss it. Don't call him names or get personal, but point out his issues in a clinical way. For example, "Your father is conflict avoidant. This means that he fears conflict more than facing his problems. He avoids anything uncomfortable, so do not take it personal if he doesn't call- he's afraid you will ask him why he didn't come to your birthday party. He was also like this with me, his family, etc." Basically you want to give the kids real examples of his unhealthy behavior & coping skills, not just as it relates to them, but his entire life. The point is for your kids to see that he is a messed up person, that he has issues, he is selfish, he is not worthy of them. And that his absence has nothing to do with them, but is just a manifestation of his personal issues.

 

Coping skills are also very important. They are going to have negative feelings about this and need to have the tools to cope in a healthy way. Discuss how they will handle their emotions. When Dad disappoints, what should they do? What is their plan? Give examples of ways people cope & handle their problems. Unhealthy ways: Stuff the feelings & pretend you don't care, drugs or alcohol, isolating yourself from others, negative thoughts, self harm (like cutting or bulimia). Healthy Ways: breathe deep, talk to mom or a friend, exercise, do something you love, dance, write, paint, walk the dog, listen to music, cook, watch a funny movie, etc. Basically, they need to have a plan for when they feel bad. They need be able acknowledge the feelings, but move past them. "Yeah, I have a crappy Dad, and it sucks. But I will be OK". and then they go for a jog and cook a new recipe, instead of ruminating the "whys" and feeling sorry for themselves. This is very important because when they move out, you won't always be there to reign them in & cheer them up. Coping skills, and having a "plan" will help them handle many life circumstances in the future.

 

Sorry your kids have to deal with this, they are lucky to have a mom that cares as much as you!

Edited September 3, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[amaysngrace]

Wow Quiet Storm....thank you so much!!

 

So much to take in and I'm sure I will be reading what you wrote over and over again....every day if I have to, until it becomes my nature.

 

God Bless You xo

[gaius]

Brings me back to being one of the few kids stuck at boarding school because my mom couldn't be bothered to drive 45 minutes to come get me haha.

 

All that might be hurtful for them now but in the long run it will make them humble, and appreciate the sweet moments in life way more. And they'll actually feel a lot more sweet.

Edited September 15, 2014 by gaius

[good2know]

I feel terrible for them. My heart breaks for them. And I wish I knew of a way to take the pain of not having a dad that gives a crap about them away.

 

The best you can do is continue honest communication between yourself and your kids, and explain that their Dad's issues are separate and independent of them, and they need not inherit his tendencies.

 

You might also point out to your daughter your observation of her clinging to boys, and let her know that this is a byproduct of not having received adequate attention and time with her father.

 

Awareness may help her. Counseling might help as well, with you and the kids, so they have a continual outlet in which to vent to a professional. Find a family counselor who has experience with these problems.

 

These are universal scenarios nowadays, probably the number one family epidemic (an absent or lackluster parent) so there's got to be great counselors out there that can provide some support for your teens, even if you only go once a month or evey six weeks or whatever you can afford. Also check into therapists that accept sliding scale payment. United Way might have some referrals for you.

 

Lastly, having your kids read articles about absent/undependable fathers, and their effect on their kids, could be helpful. Read the articles out loud, together, and discuss. That's a form of free counseling as well. Good luck.

 

edit: Here's a link Raising your kids self awareness of what they are up against psychologically, is important.

 

Another link

Edited September 16, 2014 by good2know