Another story...all the same (update)

[Silverbirch]

See the closed thread for the original story

 

Just thought I would update everyone on this. You were all right.

 

We didn't speak for 5 months. I even dated someone else, though he was always lingering in my mind (not helped by seeing him at work).

 

In the meantime I was being placed under an incredible amount of stress in my job and was the victim of bullying and constructive dismissal in May. I decided that it was best coming from me and so I told him I would be leaving. This meant even the area, as my job was a residential one - so I was losing my job and home. I've never seen anyone's face drain of colour like his did.

 

During the last 3 weeks of me working there, under incredibly challenging circumstances, we renewed communication and the chemistry came flooding back. He told me he loved me, that this time he would do it, he meant it and couldn't bear losing me again from his life, as I made it quite clear I was going to walk unless he did. I was going away for a month in July and suggested he did it then, as I was physically away and it meant a clean break. He said he could move back in with his mother.

 

It became physical and the time spent together was intense and he cried when I told him I loved him. He drew out all my emotions, saying how much he wanted to know everything about me, how it was important he understood how I felt. Most importantly, he pulled me to a mirror and held me, told me he saw a future and we started making plans of the things we would do together. He even helped me look for jobs in the area.

 

Whilst I was away, he delayed doing it. First it was the gf's mother was ill, then he was ill. He also told me how he had got a puppy - my anxiety started mounting at this point - who gets a puppy when they have decided they are going to leave their gf?

 

When he said he did it, he then went distant. I put it down to the ending of a 3.5 year relationship. He was apparently sleeping on the sofa. When I asked about moving out he said the ex-gf refused to talk to him and they were just in silence. A week later I was back from my holiday and I had less than a week in the area before I moved, though I had a job interview the following week, so would be back for that. He stayed one night with me and I told him how wonderful it was that I could be with him guilt-free. His lie was transparent then, I was desperate to not see it when he just murmured an assent and kissed me. I then tried adding him to facebook - he kept finding excuses to not add me and spent little time with me for the remaining time, saying he needed to help his family out. At this point my anxiety was spiralling out of control and knew he was manipulating me. I went to stay with a friend before the interview and we agreed that he was not right for me.

 

So I tried ending it. He refused to call me and I grew increasingly desperate and ended up texting him saying it was over. I then received a stream of texts saying what an abyss he was in and he was like Mr Hyde and didn't want to talk to me when angry because he didn't want to hurt me. So I melted and wavered. When he eventually did ring, he accused me of lying to him about the man I had briefly dated - I confessed that I had seen him for longer than I originally said it ended and he told me he was "disappointed in me". You can imagine my reaction and he pointed out I had low expectations of him - he had high ones of me and I had let him down. I told him I felt that he was withdrawing from me as I was leaving the area and I got told that I should know him better than that.

 

Roll forward to my interview - afterwards I was leaving to stay with my mother elsewhere in the country. We met up and talked. I raised all my concerns about doubting whether he had broken up with gf and he just looked sad. I asked if he genuinely still saw and wanted a future and he said yes, that it would probably end in tears but "would be fun anyway". A change of tune somewhat from the previous month. After he proposed a LDR where I made sure I secured a good job down in the area and worked temporarily and stayed with my mother. I told him I couldn't do a LDR - we had enough communication and trust issues. Then he turned on the charm and I melted, recklessly, again.

 

To my mothers I drive and four days of limited communication continued. he was doing a fade. When he said he'd call and didn't, I called him and he cut my call off. I rang again and it went to VM. I knew I had to end it and I had to do it where it wasn't blaming him, otherwise I'd get guilt-tripped. So I spin some BS about me not being ready for a relationship and it wasn't fair I was so reliant on him emotionally and I needed to sort my anxiety out.

 

I heard nothing until 3 days later. In the meantime, going out of my mind whether I was some neurotic mess who had genuinely got it all wrong, I looked up the ex-gf's facebook. She has it closed off but the groups she joined were open and I saw she had joined a new one for crafts. I click on it and within the hour she had linked to her own facebook craft page she had set up.

 

Within the hour she had posted how she had the ]boyfriend on a mission to cut some wood at her mother's house that day, for her xmas projects.

 

Enraged, I let him hang himself. The following day, I got a text from him telling me he had given me some space and had lost 'us' once before and regretted it, please don't I make the same mistake and that he missed me. He then got angry I wasn't replying. On Tuesday he tried to call, but I had set my phone to call divert. He tried off his mobile and withheld and left 4 voice messages asking me to call him. That evening I got 30 odd texts single letter spelling out 'are you there, please talk to me', a whatsapp message, snapchat message and even facebook (still not adding me as a friend!) saying did I think that by ignoring him he would go away and if he could just get in the car and drive he would, but he didn't have the time.

 

When this continued into Wednesday, I cracked and wanted it over, for my own mental health. I said nothing but sent him the SS's and was appalled by his reply. Apparently I had ended things, so he went back to gf (the next day?!) and the following day was out round her mother's - after an apparent 3 weeks of breakup. He had not betrayed me but had done many things in order to be with me and it was me who kept ending things when we fell out. I lost it with him and sent him the message telling me he was missing me and not to make a mistake - he said he never wanted us to get back together, just to get some answers. Enraged by sheer disbelief I told him I was done, good luck to the next girl he cheated on with and that I would hope he felt even a tiny bit guilty, but knowing him he wouldn't. The only sign I got from him was his reply saying "good luck with your future endeavours, I wish we weren't ending like this, but I know I only have myself to blame".

 

And so a week later, here I am, on medication for anxiety feeling utterly betrayed and utterly furious with myself. My gut told me it would only end in tears but I was so vulnerable and was desperate for some happiness to come out of that job that I acted so recklessly and selfishly. I am devastated that he could take advantage of someone who was so anxious and depressed and had told him so.

 

You know the most ironic thing? I got offered the job

[2sunny]

He took advantage because you allowed it.

 

Stop allowing any of it now.

 

You have the chance for a fresh, new start. Embrace new opportunities by letting go of what hasn't worked in your past. That includes him.

 

Be kind to yourself! Invite positive energy in to your daily life and remove any negative.

 

Practice doing new things with new people.

[Silverbirch]

I know. That's why I have and I am furious at myself for ignoring common sense. The only thing I don't understand is I gave him the option of this just to be physical, to walk away having got it out of our system. He said he didn't want that and it wasn't about the sex.

 

The big silver lining which is getting me through it is that I didn't waste years with him like this, that I actually got proof of his lies and that I didn't become the poor girlfriend stuck with him. I am free.