bruzli2 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Hi guys, I'm new to this forum, but I really need some feedback on this matter, because I feel I'm going nuts. So almost 3 years ago I met this beautiful girl in a club. It was love at first sight. She is extremly sexy, but I liked her personality too. That night we hooked up and the same night I found out she was married. That struck me a little bit, but I had feelings for her and decided to go with the flow. Her husband didn't live in the city we lived, and we spent a lot of quality time together. It was one of the best periods of my life. I was guessing she had sexual relations with her husband when she visited him in the other city, but I didn't care since I knew she was not attracted to him. They have an awkard distant relation. We continued our relation for almost one year, when she found out she was pregnant. The child it's not mine, since we always used protection (I have hepatitis and I am really careful with what I do). She admitted she had sex with her husband during Christmas. This really upset me. Soon after I found about this, we met a couple of times and she insisted we should still see each other. I was really hurt (although I know things like this happen) and decided to stop communicating with her. I blocked her on facebook and changed my phone number. I started doing other things and tried to let things go. I met other girls, but, from time to time, my mind was wandering and I ended up thinking about her. This happened for an year and a half. A couple of days ago, I unblocked her on facebook. I thought that, in order to make the grief easier, I must confront with the fact that she exists. I didn't contact her. Two days ago, she contacted me and asked me out. My anxiety level went upwards, but I decided I should do it. We went in a bar downtown and spoke about many things. I realised that I still have feelings for her. She told me that she went through the same thing. She said she missed me. I acted like a jerk, but she didn't mind. She asked me to go to her place(she now lives alone, the baby lives at her husband's parents) and drank some beers. I accepted and told her that I don't want to continue...this. I asked her if she wants to divorce that guy, she told me yes, but right now it's complicated. They need money to raise the child. I have financial problems too. I gave her a foot massage, we hugged, but I decided not to spend the night at her. I was feeling awful and at the same time relieved. I went home and started to think at possibilities. Yesterday I was decided not to speak with her, but is hard and painful to block my feelings. I still feel something for her, but it's hard for me to trust her again. Looking forword to hear your thoughts on this... Link to post Share on other sites
Silverbirch Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Stay away, once that trust has gone from someone you don't know originally, it is going to be incredibly difficult to gain. Seriously, as someone who made the mistake of going back, please don't fall for the rubbish they spin. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I hate to say it but she sounds just down right horrible. Dumps her kid off on the father and his parents then goes out banging other dudes. You best believe you were just one of many. Trouble run and don't look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 I missed some details... She works 8 hours/day to support her child. She has a good relation with her husband, they speak each night to talk about the girl(I was there when she sopke with her). She told me she cannot let the kid to her mother since she's kind of crazy, so this is the best choice. Isn't there a way to find out if she's truthful about what she says? Link to post Share on other sites
Silverbirch Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Not without obsessing and stalking and again, from experience, it's not fun waging that psychological battle with yourself over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 I know what you're talking about obbsessions, been there, done that and I honestly don't like it. But it's also painful to know that she might tell the truth and divorce this guy, regain her child (she wants to earn more money in order to be financially independent-she works as a designer) and then we might have a chance of being together. I told her multiple times that we should wait for this thing to happen and then start a relation. She didn;t like this and I know this is another red flag....really confused here.... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I told her multiple times that we should wait for this thing to happen and then start a relation. She didn;t like this and I know this is another red flag....really confused here.... You already know what will be in your own best interest for you to choose, even if that is also the more difficult choice, decision. So...your own wisdom/instinct is asking you to make what may feel like some kind of "sacrifice"...but it is with your own best in mind. Which isn't asking you to make a "sacrifice" but to exercise your power of will, demonstrate your self-discipline all for your own good...which you already know is for your own good. Logic and reason, versus feelings and emotions. That's what's causing confusion. Choose logic and reason based on what you know is for your long-term best. Why not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 You already know what will be in your own best interest for you to choose, even if that is also the more difficult choice, decision. So...your own wisdom/instinct is asking you to make what may feel like some kind of "sacrifice"...but it is with your own best in mind. Which isn't asking you to make a "sacrifice" but to exercise your power of will, demonstrate your self-discipline all for your own good...which you already know is for your own good. Logic and reason, versus feelings and emotions. That's what's causing confusion. Choose logic and reason based on what you know is for your long-term best. Why not? Yes, that's a real difficult chioce, but my gut and wise mind tells me it's best to see some real changes first. And this decision is literally tears my heart apart, but, as you said, I now use my wise mind and it's safer and painless(huh!) this way (I guess years of self help therapy paid their price ). She said yesterday she tries to make more money in order to hire someone to take care of her child while she's away at work. But this might take a while. She also told me that she doesn't necessarly wants to have sex with me (she wants, but this is not all). I thought about this possibility and it would be too much right now to have sex with her(although I want, of course). I told her that we can meet each other from time to time(when we both have time) and spend some quality time, but not just when she wants and definitely not at her place. We spoke recently and she accepted(but not very excited about this). Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Divorcing her husband is not complicated. Having a child with him during the separation is complicated. There seems to be a lot going on with her. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Why doesn't she have custody of her child? So what if she works 8 hours a day, welcome to the life of a grown up. Millions of women have kids, hold a full time job and still raise their child. Personally, I think it would be foolish to believe a word out of her mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I now use my wise mind and it's safer and painless(huh!) Yes, you're right about that...it will not be "painless". And I guess it'll only be "safer" depending on what you are trying to protect and/or defend against. In any case, I wish you the best and that things will work out over the long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 Yes, you're right about that...it will not be "painless". And I guess it'll only be "safer" depending on what you are trying to protect and/or defend against. In any case, I wish you the best and that things will work out over the long-term. I wanted to say that it would be less pain involved if I stay away from her until she divorces, than if I start to have sex with her again and then she proves out to just want to continue an affair. Anyways, thank you all for your messages, all of them were really helpful. I'll keep you updated, I plan to meet with her in a couple of days and tell her all these things (including the divorce + raising her own child alone). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 Just curious... is there anybody else who managed to solve this dilemma? Ask her/him to wait until getting out of the existing relation and then start a relation. How did it go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 (edited) Hi everybody! Today she sent me messages again on the phone. Nothing important, just small things about her and her work. I called her back and told her that I cannot be with her and presented her (for the last time) all the reasons: she's married, she hurt me so much in the past and I feel a lot of anxiety when I'm speaking and I'm near her. I told her that we can be friends, but we don;t have that much things to talk about(and I cannot be friends with her now, it's too soon). She refused to tell me more about her feelings and she didn't say a thing about her husband(I told her that she wants to have a husband and an affair, too...she didn't objected, another red flag, I guess). At the end she asked me: "Is that it?" I said yes and then she said goodbye and I said goodbye too. A couple of minutes later she texted me: "I was glad that you called me, but I was wrong. What a surprise..." I guess she was trying to make me feel bad that I told her all these things. And this was it, no other messages, no phonecalls. I felt liberated after I told her all these things. Right now I;m eating and I'm enjoying my food after three days of starvation(couldn't eat that much). The anxiety went down, but I still feel kind of miserable and ruminating about scenarios and what ifs(I practice mindfulness and this helps a lot). But I guess that's normal. I don't want to block her again on facebook and on the phone, but if she will start with messages, I guess this would be the next decision. Thanks for all your opinions, guys! Healing process, here I come! Edited September 4, 2014 by bruzli2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 :bunny: Good for you, bruzli2!!! Proving one's own strength/courage/esteem to oneself always does feel good, ain't that the truth. May I help with the "what if" scenarios? -- more hurt, more anxiety, more self-deprivation of food (and maybe some sleep, too?) And..."what if" you can manage to avoid all of that by just not giving in to any of those pesky emotions that want to get you into trubble? Easier said than done, I know. I don't want to block her again on facebook and on the phone, Yeah...no. You gotta do that, also. May as well just do the whole thing at one time. Save yourself from any potential backsliding and/or heart-breaking. Good luck...I am rooting for you to stay strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Why not block her? Are you still holding out for her to tell you she divorced? That isn't going to happen. What will happen is she will try to suck you back into status quo. Just move on, even if you landed this woman your life would be hell as you would simply replace the husband and she would find another to replace you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 Yes, you're probably right. I blocked her on facebook now, I cannot block her on the phone right now, I will do this tomorrow morning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 That's it guys, I blocked her on the phone too. But I did a mistake, though. I received a call from an unknown number. I texted her asked if she called me from that number. She responded quickly and said I don t think so lol. I guess I overreacted... Anyways, I'm convinced now....but I still feel sad and anxious. I will make myself busy and I hope that this emptiness i feel will dissapear. Time to go out there in the world and start a fresh life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 This woman is messed up. Two years have gone by and she is still up to her old tricks. Take your time sort yourself out and stay away from her and women like her. Get out of this or you will end up being miserable for years. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Delete her number from your contact list also. You are doing great. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 I erased her number two days ago. Thanks you everybody for your great advices. I've learned a lot from this experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 That's it guys, I blocked her on the phone too. But I did a mistake, though. I received a call from an unknown number. I texted her asked if she called me from that number. She responded quickly and said I don t think so lol. I guess I overreacted... Anyways, I'm convinced now....but I still feel sad and anxious. I will make myself busy and I hope that this emptiness i feel will dissapear. Time to go out there in the world and start a fresh life. Don't do that again (the bolded). Let yourself grieve the loss and try to keep busy. Hangout with good friends and make sure you have plenty of distractions to keep your mind from thinking about her. Edited to add, I see you deleted her off your contacts too. Even better! Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bruzli2 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 I moved to a new place and I'm keeping myself busy all the time. I guess the grief period ended since we "broke up" more than one and a half year ago. But only after I confronted her I understood the situation better and realised that I don't want to be with someone like this. It was really hard to accept this loss. But things will get better, I know it. Link to post Share on other sites
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