SARose61 Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Hello, Been married 7 years but honestly we settled for each other. I was divorced with children, hard to make time to meet people, so I placed a personal ad. He answered. Dated 6 months and got married. OK so it was special at the time, felt the butterfies in the tummy and all. But over time, I have realized that honestly what we did was conform to each other and over time we have both returned to being our natural selves which is not very compatible. We have very different likes, different tastes, different priorities in life. When I 1st started realizing this I felt lied to and cheated. I felt like he pretended to be a person that he is not. He's not a bad person. But there are critical areas that I have always wanted to find in the person that I wanted to be married to and it will just never happen with him. He is not a church goer, I am very active in my church. He went through the motions for me when we 1st met and it wasn't til after we married that he stopped going and honestly his faith will never be where mine is and that is a great disappointment. He loves working nights, has held 3 different jobs since we got married and always prefers the night shift. Recently I found out by chance that he had lied to me about asking to be placed on the wait list to move to the day shift. On one hand I feel like neither one of these reasons is grounds to end a marriage. But I live in a constant state of disappointment. I simply cant continue to wish for changes that he is not willing to make in his life. Also about 3 years ago, I caught him searching for an ex gf on the internet. She was his deepest love and she did him wrong. He carried a torch for her for many years. She was quite different from me, just recently I found out about another relationship he had before he met me and that woman was very similar to his ex gf. When I met him one of his sisters told me jokingly that by coincidence his family had recently told him that they thought he would never get married, he was 33 at the time. So did he just to prove them wrong, pick the 1st person he could find that seemed OK to be with and make it his determination to get married no matter what? Did I make it too easy for him? Very often I feel like he simply enjoys being able to say to others look at me I'm married. I have the american dream, a wife, house, 2 cars. He seems happy and content with his life. But deep inside I know he is not in love with me. He only goes through the motions. But can I be happy with just that Just wanted to vent, Sad in San Antonio.... Rose Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Hi Rose- I'm confused- are you in love with this man? Part of your posts sound like no, and parts do. It obviously hurts you that you think he's not in love with you. After seven years it's only normal to begin to feel the way that you do. The key in a happy marriage is working on it! Both of you have to be willing to do that. I was married for a long time and for the last years I felt much the way you do- unhappy and not loved. It's extremely hard and I feel for you. Have you suggested marriage counseling? It may help. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 DO you want to work on this marriage? Do you love him enough to think that you could 'fall' inlove with him given the opportunity? It is sad, settling is not a good thing. Probably hurts either way because the people involved really don't mean to be hurtful, but infact are unintentionally. Marriage will always have it's ups and downs. It is normal to have those feelings at times and once in blue moon I look at my husband and shudder thinking to myself, "this is the rest of my life...With HIM..." It passes, the mood of yuk goes away and all is back to normal. Maybe talk to a therapist on your own because you need to decide what it is you want to do, and for the sake of your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Rosewilt Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I have the SAME story. My husband was in love deeply w/his ex. He even may have taken her out while I was carrying our baby. He NEVER celebrated anything, but for some reason, there are always markings on the calendar on her birthday. I am very insecure about that....recently he told someone a painting he did 9 years ago bought back such good memories. We only been together 7 and he was with her for years before me. I think if it werent for our baby i would leave. Do you have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
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