Long time listener, first time caller

[MissTakes]

My very, very strong opinion when it comes to the whole "should I leave my SO" question is simple.

 

Here's what you have to do: take the OW out of the equation. Don't consider her, how you feel about her, around her, or what could be with her. Don't rely on her to make your life better, or to make you happy.

 

If, completely separate from any feelings you have for her, you still feel that your relationship with your wife is doomed, then end your marriage.

 

If you take this route, DO NOT use your actions to try to instigate the OW to take a particular course of action. Encourage her to go about her decision-making process in the same way you did: that is, without any expectation of a relationship with you, and separate from her feelings for you.

 

I advocate this route because I think that if you're depending on each other - if you have expectations of each other - before you've ever really even been in a relationship, it breeds contempt. What happens if the relationship doesn't meet someone's expectations? What happens if she feels pressured into ending her marriage? Well, she'll resent you for it.

 

Do not ask for any guarantees, and don't make any. Do what you need to do for you, and for you alone.

[Cali408]

Miss Takes gives great advice here.

 

The good news, you don't have kids, getting out of a doomed marriage, if it's doomed, will be less sticky.

 

The bad news. The OW is married, with kids. Sticky situation.

 

You my friend have a Prince Charming complex. You want to save your damsel in distress. And you get high as a kite everytime you're told how wonderful you are.

 

Work on your marriage, if it's doomed, separate and then divorce. In the mean time, the OW isn't going anywhere. Focus on yourself and get out of the emotional affair. Seriously. Date real women who are available.

 

Yes, the last paragraph is hard brutal. All of it, but you have to withdraw from the drug which is this OW.

[jellybean89]

Thank you both for your candidness, but you've both made a handful of assumptions on things-

 

1. I've never physically cheated on my wife. As stated I had lustful feelings towards another at one point when her and I were dating that I quickly shut down.

you may not have physically cheated on your wife yet, but 2 emotional affairs are still cheating. If you don't believe me, ask your wife if she considers your feelings towards these other women as cheating. I would bet she would say yes.

 

2. There's no way that kid could be mine as once again, there's never been a physical affair.

never thought the OW's child was yours

 

3. I say physical affair because there is emotional affairs.

exactly, what you did before and what you are doing now, IS an affair, an emotional one. Emotional affairs can be as devastating or even more devastating than a physical affair...depends on the person who has been cheated on

 

4. My wife's attitude of running around and constantly doing anything other than spending time with me (and yes, I'm the one who was pushing date nights, and on Sunday nights I'd push for her and I to cook together and things like that so that her and I could keep things alive and moving). She instead opts to run around and do a dozen different things that keeps her from spending time with me.

so TALK to your wife! Get off the game, stop chatting with the OW and tell your wife how you are feeling about her not spending time with you. Maybe she senses you are not putting any effort into the marriage, so why should she? Maybe something you said/did to her upset her? Maybe she enjoys working out? Maybe her friends are going through things and she is trying to be supportive? Maybe she's just not that into you anymore? Maybe she wants out of the marriage? Maybe she is happier away from you? Only way to find out is to TALK TO HER!

 

5. No, the OW hasn't told me about this stuff. Mutual friends of ours have shared this information with me about him.

 

mutual online gaming friends? If you met her online, how do these mutual friends know of her and her marital situation? Is it all word of mouth? Have any of these mutual friends witnessed the mean husband being mean? Or is just the case of a wife tired from child rearing and whining about how her H doesn't help? That's a standard situation from a ton of SAHM's

 

6. I'm not against kids. I think that's what the impression has been given here. I'm worried that in my wife's pursuit to get everything she wants that I'll be left raising the kids by myself while she's out working and having fun and things like that. Kids aren't a necessity for me, as they are for her, but she's not willing to give up the things she loves to have them. And as an example to this attitude- I've given up two dream jobs in order to help her pursue her interests because there was no way our relationship would have survived otherwise.

 

Answers above in bold. How do you KNOW you would be left raising YOUR kids so your wife could work out, have fun, etc? Maybe her choice of activities right now, which are not bad choices or bad activities, is to prepare herself for being a mom...having fun while she can, getting her body into shape so as to carry a pregnancy without gaining a ton of weight, or ensuring she gives her future child the best possible cocoon to grow in, etc. Again, if you would TALK to her instead of focusing on the OW and talking to her, maybe you would hear how she is feeling???

 

I love it when people say "How do you KNOW what her husband is like". They assume people are just liars always. They just don't want to hear that perhaps two people married and were not a match.

 

My boyfriend talked about how horrible his ex was, and he stayed to protect their children, knowing full well that if he left she'd get custody at least part of the time. He pretty much raised the kids, not her, etc. and when his children were raised, he left. He did the best he could at the time.

 

But, what the other poster said is true, if you leave, leave for YOU. Don't leave for someone else. I was involved in an affair with my boyfriend and it was really not fun. And truth be told, if he had decided to stay married it would have killed me. Don't put yourself in that position. Leave because you are unhappy. Get an apartment, be single, even if you don't date, and if you want to stay in contact with this woman that is okay too. But don't move from one relationship to the next. You have to make sure that you are doing the right thing for you and not using her as a safety net.

 

Goody, this isn't about you, so please stay focused on the OP! No one said the OW was a liar; a question was asked how the OP "knew" all these alleged allegations of mean husband. I doubt anyone is dumb enough to think people can't be mismatched. In the opening post, the OP complained that his wife went to the gym and hung out with girlfriends...not that she was a cheater, a liar, was mean, was abisuve, didn't love him, etc. He discussed how he, pre-marriage, was behaving in an inappropriate way with someone other than his then-girlfriend, and now, here he is again, behaving in an inappropriate way with someone other than his wife. Seems logical to me to look towards the OP as someone who seeks attention from other women since this is now twice he has engaged in behavior that wouldn't be acceptable to a spouse.

 

OP, you, IMHO, need to look inwards at yourself to try to figure out why being faithful seems to be an issue with you. I know you keep saying it wasn't a physical affair, and I think expect us to be okay with the emotional affairs you have had...but the damage done by emotional affairs does destroy trust, faith and love that a spouse has/had for an emotional cheater.

 

Good luck to you.

[goodyblue]

You know though, that's the problem. She's like a drug I can't get away from because talking with her just gives me these massive highs, but it also gives me big lows because she's been fighting with wild hormones and what nots and puts distance between us.

 

...maybe I'll try hard drug use...

 

I know it's rough. Some people here liken an affair and the chemicals the brain creates as an addiction or like a drug. I think it's just like any other crush, but that's neither here nor there.

 

I honestly feel (and I was involved in an A) that it would benefit you to truly look at your M. You don't have kids, so you could conceivably walk away, but make sure it's what you want.

 

The only advice I have is to stay busy, and take a personal inventory. I know it is difficult. Don't let yourself be dragged down into something you can't dig out of. Chin up.

[SnackPack]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm trying to quit the MOW right now but it's a difficult process. She has this way of just getting under my brain to the point of frustration.

[Pinklotus]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm trying to quit the MOW right now but it's a difficult process. She has this way of just getting under my brain to the point of frustration.

 

Snack pack-- I know it's very hard. I just ended an EA to focus on my marriage. The affair wasn't making me happy, it was confusing the issues, and I wanted to make things better with my husband, who I knew I still loved. The only way to do it is to stop all contact. You can just tell her you need to work on your marriage and you cannot be in contact. Get into counseling with your wife. It has helped my marriage immensely. And, while it took me a long time to have the guts to end it, yes I wish I could have listened to my therapist and everybody here and done it a long time ago. One week after ending it, I already feel so much better. I'm able to look at my husband and clearly see him for what he is--and I can tell you that the MOM does not compare favorably. My husband is a far better person and I'm glad I didn't throw our marriage away for what would probably have been a huge disaster with a very unreliable man.

 

Try to fix your marriage first. I know the addictive rush of the other person--but it is the pathway to pain for the majority of people. Good luck.

Edited September 8, 2014 by Pinklotus

[SnackPack]

Snack pack-- I know it's very hard. I just ended an EA to focus on my marriage. The affair wasn't making me happy, it was confusing the issues, and I wanted to make things better with my husband, who I knew I still loved. The only way to do it is to stop all contact. You can just tell her you need to work on your marriage and you cannot be in contact. Get into counseling with your wife. It has helped my marriage immensely. And, while it took me a long time to have the guts to end it, yes I wish I could have listened to my therapist and everybody here and done it a long time ago. One week after ending it, I already feel so much better. I'm able to look at my husband and clearly see him for what he is--and I can tell you that the MOM does not compare favorably. My husband is a far better person and I'm glad I didn't throw our marriage away for what would probably have been a huge disaster with a very unreliable man.

 

Try to fix your marriage first. I know the addictive rush of the other person--but it is the pathway to pain for the majority of people. Good luck.

 

 

I've been trying. It's really amazingly difficult. The ridiculous part is that she's become very distant lately and while I should be taking advantage of that distance, it's still hard to push her out of my thoughts.

[A.Moscote]

Let it fades on its own SnackPack, don't force yourself to forget it all at once, that is exhausting and will just make you feel hopeless. Be optimist and patient instead, gather your strength to wade through all that emotions (at your own pace). Keep on the distance and hold onto your resolve to not contact her anymore, don't build the relationship any further. Slowly, gradually, that intense feelings you have to face right now will fade.

 

Look on the positive aspects of breaking off this affair. You avoided further complications, you save yourself from the very possible hurts and guilt, and most valuable imo, you are sacrificing your pleasure to stop the unjust and deception on others, one of them is living in the same home with you. So give yourself some credits, some assurance to fight against the disappointment and the craving.

 

Open your eyes and look at the whole situation with vision. Spend your efforts and thought on deciding and settling your marriage instead. Have you convey to your wife about this dilemma? Do you think your wife can't be much better than your AP? Remind yourself that whatever good your AP has is not permanent, and whatever weakness your wife has is not unmanageable.

 

Choose your path properly, committing to the marriage or pursuing your AP, there are always right methods for either one. Be conscience and avoid an affair. Good luck on this struggle SnackPack, it is amazingly difficult, but many has made it through.

[Owl]

I've been trying. It's really amazingly difficult. The ridiculous part is that she's become very distant lately and while I should be taking advantage of that distance, it's still hard to push her out of my thoughts.

 

I'm going to offer some advice you might not like...but you should seriously consider nonetheless.

 

Here's what I would personally consider the best way to make the needed changes in your life.

 

Confess everything to your wife.

 

(See...told you that you wouldn't like it...).

 

Here's why I recommend it:

 

1. It gets the whole thing out in the open, and it gives both you and your wife the opportunity to decide on your own futures with all of the pertinent knowledge. Not telling her is completely unfair to her. It's denying her critical information she should have to decide whether or not she wants to remain with you, in light of that information.

 

2. If you decide to reconcile/rebuild your marriage, your wife will become a critical part of the process to end the affair. She'll insist that you cutoff all contact with MOW...and if she has any sense, she'll insist on knowing how you conducted the affair, and get all the passwords/etc... she needs to monitor to ensure that NC remains in place.

 

3. It will set the stage for BOTH you and your wife to make the needed changes in your marriage...it spells out clearly to her what she risks if she chooses not to change.

 

4. If the decision is to end the marriage, this could help speed that process up. It gets the truth out there quickly, and can provide motivation to end the marriage that your wife might not have had otherwise.

 

5. By getting it out in the open...it almost certainly garauntees that change of some kind will take place. Most commonly, those that don't confess don't change...for months, often years.

[SnackPack]

So I keep trying and trying and trying to cut her out of my life and god is it difficult. I try to leave things with a simple hello or something, and she starts chatting up like nothing has changed. With her trying to fix her marriage she says things like "no mushy stuff" which with how things are going there isn't any of at all, but wants me to tell her that I love her at the end of the night when she goes to bed (I feel like she's using it as a safety blanket/net for in case things don't work out with her husband).

 

We've gotten into a handful of fights because for me I get very involved and when she keeps dragging me in it's really hard to keep things at a minimum, but I'm trying. My wife and I are attempting to fix things and I find it odd, I find myself thinking of the MOW when my wife and I are intimate and I feel guilty for it, but not because I'm thinking about her, but because I'm with my wife and not her. God this is crazy and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[2sunny]

So I keep trying and trying and trying to cut her out of my life and god is it difficult. I try to leave things with a simple hello or something, and she starts chatting up like nothing has changed. With her trying to fix her marriage she says things like "no mushy stuff" which with how things are going there isn't any of at all, but wants me to tell her that I love her at the end of the night when she goes to bed (I feel like she's using it as a safety blanket/net for in case things don't work out with her husband).

 

We've gotten into a handful of fights because for me I get very involved and when she keeps dragging me in it's really hard to keep things at a minimum, but I'm trying. My wife and I are attempting to fix things and I find it odd, I find myself thinking of the MOW when my wife and I are intimate and I feel guilty for it, but not because I'm thinking about her, but because I'm with my wife and not her. God this is crazy and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

 

Well - the most effective way to get her off your mind is to stop all communication with her. Zilch, nothing, nada!

 

Removing yourself from the equation allows you room to focus on your wife. Stay busy enough to not think of the other woman.

 

It like building TWO fires - the one that continues to burn is the one you feed and stoke the most - the one you ignore eventually burns out because of lack of attention.

 

Your wife and OW are no different than the fire.

 

One burns brighter because it's the one you're paying the most attention to.