What was your parents biggest mistake? What has been yours?

[Nubianangel]

What was your parents biggest mistake(s) in raising you and your siblings, if any? For those of us who are parents now, what has been yours and what would you change?

 

I had one parent for the most part because my dad was a fairweather parent (he only came around during the holdiays/birthdays:mad: ) My moms biggest mistake(s) was because she started having us at a young age, she missed out on going out with friends and partying but once she felt I was of age (I am the oldest), I could babysit while she partied and party she did! I was left with her responsiblity most of the time. Also, my mom believed in "spare the rod, spoil the child". Rather than find ways of dealing with issues without hitting, her answer was capital punishment. She was rarely demonstrative or affectionate, she showed her love by giving us things, she wasn't encouraging or eager to compliment us kids. I think she thought it would make us arrogant or conceited in some way. It wasn't until I was 21 that I was told I was beautiful for the first time. I would have loved to hear it from my parents so that I felt it growing up! Don't get me wrong, I love my mom with all of my heart. She did it by herself and the five of us are pretty level-headed adults so though she made some mistakes, she's done a good job.

 

My biggest mistake as a parent to my 8 yr. old is that I don't ask much of him. I require that he do his very best in school but as far as home, I do everything. I clean his room, clean his dishes after he's eaten, pick out his clothes, open the car door for him, make his bed. I even help him dress and tie his shoes if we're in a hurry. Of course he doesn't mind but I'm starting to think that he will grow up to be an adult who expects these things to be done for him. He's my first and only and when I had him, I was very overprotective and didn't allow him to try new things for fear that he would get hurt and though I've loosened up a lot, he still feels anxious about trying new things to this day.

 

How about you?

[laRubiaBonita]

My parents were Great!

 

But what defines a mistake? since most everyone has their own idea of perfect parenting is, and it is usually a learn-by-example-trait, what one family sees as bed parenting another might view it as a revolutionary way to parent.

 

Granted, my mother's mother, and my mother.....have food issues, which were passed around to me and my sisters, even our cousins. But i do not see it as a mistake, it was what they knew.

 

 

But all in all, we were quite a normal family. we almost always sat and ate dinner together, we always did things as a family, we all talk to each other.

 

I am very greatful and thankfull!

[EC]

Wow where do I begin.

 

Well my father and mother married very young. My mother was 18 and had me at 19. My father was a drug addict and eventually went to jail when I was 5. Then my mother took that as her time to party so she would leave me with my grandmother or aunt and partied her ass off. Then my father came out of jail but by then I had a step father and he didnt want my real father coming around and my father ended up doing his own thing and having 6 other children. I talk to him about once every 6 months. I hated my step father, he made my life a living hell and I threw a party when my mother left him. Also my mother was very beautiful when she was young, she modeled a bit and really thought she was going to make it big. She thought she would eventually become rich or meet a rich man to solve all of her problems. so she never saved any money and wasted it all on purses and shades.

Now here we are years later, shes not as pretty, shes alone, and she lives paycheck to paycheck. Because of her I have had to work for everything since I was 13 and have had to pay for my college and raise my brother.

 

I finally moved out and I am doing great on my own and in a way I'm glad my life turned out the way it did because it made me the person I am today. I just feel sorry for my mother.

 

I don't have any kids yet, but I do want them and I know I will make mistakes because no one is perfect and i will try my best to make them happy and set them up and guide them to have a good life.

[savethedrama4allama]

My parents are human, and so am I. Its impossible to determine "mistake" from "blessing in disguise" or "opportunity to learn."

 

My 2 cents.

 

llama

[NiCoLe20]

my parents did a good job raising me with respect, reponsiblity, saying the truth, and all that other stuff lol. but i will say that my mother has taught me all this. when things went wrong or i did something bad, my mother was the one who would talk it out with me. my father was the one who beat and threw things at me & my sister. we dont have a good relationship with my dad. my parents have been married for 25 yrs but we barely speak to my dad. i dont know if he's just quiet or doesnt know what to say to us but thats just the way it is.

he never really learned to communicate and talk to us when something was wrong. this is to blame for his 2 sons that ran away. i have 2 half brothers (kids from dads previous marriage) that i havent seen in over 15 years. i haveno idea where they live now or what they even look like. i would love to find them one day. my dad always ignores things and just forgets about them. he never talks to us about his sons, he just forgot about them i guess you can say. sometimes it doesnt even feel like i have a dad in the house. he never says hi to us or asks us how our day was... its sad and ive tried many times to tellhim this. i get so jealous when i see my friends fathers ACTUALLY talking to them... but i cant change that. he has to be willing to change himself. he lets his anger bottle up till he bursts, and when that happens its not good. he has thrown me down a flight of stairs, throw desk chairs at me, beaten me hard, thrown me into things... my mom just watched and finally said stop after he was almost done. discipline is good to a certain extent but i will NEVER beat my kids b/c of what ive been through. yes in ways its taught me right from wrong and respect but not to the extent of which he brought it. but luckily- i know by watching how my parents raised me of what to do and what not to do.

[laRubiaBonita]

But even a kid with the Most f^cked up parents can end up "Normal".

 

Parental blame ends at 18..... after that it is up to the individual to make their own decisions and take responsibility for THeir OWN actions.

 

parental blame can crutch many Mistakes we contunie to opt as adults, when really, it is up to that individual, not their parents.

[Nubianangel]

Nicole20,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. I don't know which is worse, having a dad at home who is abusive and ignores you or a dad who is rarely there but comes around the holidays as if he's Santa Claus! I suppose both are worse, a child deserves more. My mom was the disciplinarian, my dad has never put a hand on me but then again he was never really interested in parenting us kids. My dads weakness was women and he had many but now that he's older, those women are no longer around and what he has left is his children but we hardly know him or know how to relate to him.

[Nubianangel]

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita

But even a kid with the Most f^cked up parents can end up "Normal".

 

Parental blame ends at 18..... after that it is up to the individual to make their own decisions and take responsibility for THeir OWN actions.

 

parental blame can crutch many Mistakes we contunie to opt as adults, when really, it is up to that individual, not their parents.

 

I don't think anyone here is playing the blame game if that's what you're suggesting. This is more a matter of acknowledging their mistakes, how it might have affected you and for some, forgiving their parents. I've forgiven my parents and though the behavior I exhibit is of my own will, I cannot ignore the fact that what I do, at times, is a reflection of what I've learned from or experienced as a child/teen through my upbringing. Whether I use that fact as my excuse or understand my behavior and learn from it is what's important.

 

Guess, I'm playing the blame game now...lol.

[laRubiaBonita]

i was not sayiong that YOU, or anyone in this thread are blaming. But i do think that instead of taking responsiblity, alot of folks will continue to blame their parents, or anyone, for the undesirable aspect of their lives.

[EC]

sometimes it doesnt even feel like i have a dad in the house. he never says hi to us or asks us how our day was... its sad and ive tried many times to tellhim this. i get so jealous when i see my friends fathers ACTUALLY talking to them... but i cant change that. he has to be willing to change himself. he lets his anger bottle up till he bursts, and when that happens its not good. he has thrown me down a flight of stairs, throw desk chairs at me, beaten me hard, thrown me into things... my mom just watched and finally said stop after he was almost done. discipline is good to a certain extent but i will NEVER beat my kids b/c of what ive been through. yes in ways its taught me right from wrong and respect but not to the extent of which he brought it. but luckily- i know by watching how my parents raised me of what to do and what not to do.

 

I completely know what you feel or felt. My mother would just watch too and just to make my step father happy she would ignore what he would do to me or come up with excuses for him. It wasn't until one day she walked in from the grocery store and caught us in a fight in which he slapped and pushed me into the wall and kicked me that she said No more and divorced him.

[Nubianangel]

My mom married in her mid 30's and I also had the stepfather from hell. He wasn't abusive physically but verbally he was a monster. He had kids from a previous marriage and would compare us to them negatively. He'd say we wouldn't amount to anything, we were this, we were that. I thought it ironic coming from a man who was an alcoholic and former drug addict who was later convicted of molesting one of own his kids!!!

 

I never put up with his crap and when I was 16, I finally told him what I thought of him and where to go and how to get there. He never bothered me again! Thankfully, my mom divorced this loser a couple of years ago.

[EC]

Its wrong but I hated my step-father. He was not only verbally abusive but physically abusive. He was over controlling and crazy. All he did was go to work, come home, expect dinner, and then lock himself up in the room to smoke weed.

 

He used to pay my brother to spy on me and get information about my life from me. He would come home at lunch and go through my closet and hide the clothes he did not want me to wear. When I was grounded(which was almost everyday for no particular reason) he would shut the power off to my room so that I could not watch TV or talk on the phone..so come 6' 0 clock when the sun went down I would be sitting on my bed in the dark. He was just an a-hole.

 

I remember I hated my mother for allowing him to do it, I hated life, I messed up in school, I contemplated suicide, I attempted suicide, I thought I was worthless and ugly, all because of his dumb a**.

 

I prayed though every night that my mother would leave his a** and I thank god everyday that she did. Once she left him and we lived on our own I actually realized what it was to smile and be happy. I remember how good it felt to open the fridge and be able to eat anything I wanted and not fear getting smacked across the head for doing it.

 

It was hard, and I am going to blame him for some of the things that I have to deal with today not only in life but with relationships with guys.

 

But I am over it now and I feel sorry for him now, he has no job, living at home with his momma, and I am doing better than ever.

[Nubianangel]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

Its wrong but I hated my step-father. He was not only verbally abusive but physically abusive. He was over controlling and crazy. All he did was go to work, come home, expect dinner, and then lock himself up in the room to smoke weed.

 

He used to pay my brother to spy on me and get information about my life from me. He would come home at lunch and go through my closet and hide the clothes he did not want me to wear. When I was grounded(which was almost everyday for no particular reason) he would shut the power off to my room so that I could not watch TV or talk on the phone..so come 6' 0 clock when the sun went down I would be sitting on my bed in the dark. He was just an a-hole.

 

I remember I hated my mother for allowing him to do it, I hated life, I messed up in school, I contemplated suicide, I attempted suicide, I thought I was worthless and ugly, all because of his dumb a**.

 

I prayed though every night that my mother would leave his a** and I thank god everyday that she did. Once she left him and we lived on our own I actually realized what it was to smile and be happy. I remember how good it felt to open the fridge and be able to eat anything I wanted and not fear getting smacked across the head for doing it.

 

It was hard, and I am going to blame him for some of the things that I have to deal with today not only in life but with relationships with guys.

 

But I am over it now and I feel sorry for him now, he has no job, living at home with his momma, and I am doing better than ever.

 

Karma is wonderful, isn't it?

I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way about him. I don't know him and I think he's an a**hole! He sounds a lot like my former stepdad. He'd always go in his bedroom with the door closed after work. He wasn't interested in socializing with us, getting to know us as individuals or spending quality time. He'd emerge when it was time to discipline. He'd remove our doors so that he'd know what we were doing at all times, he'd punish the younger ones for sitting "too close" to the t.v., he'd hide snacks intended for us in his bedroom and like you, he'd punish us if we ate whatever we chose.

 

I have trouble in relationships as well. I tend to pick emotionally unavailable men such as my dad and my stepdad. It's a behavior I've acknowledge and am working on. Sadly, when I found a good guy (emotionally available), I found a way to push him away and it worked.

 

This post is getting off course, lol. Anyone else care to share about their parents or own parenting mistakes?

[annelizly]

my parents did a very good job. no one is perfect. But I look back and realize that in the things that counted, i was taught to be a decent human being and self sufficient. But I have to say that my mother did play favorites to the extreme. with four kids and two getting the lions share of everything is wrong. so i don't do that with my kids. My father, although a wonderful, loving man, spent too much of his life drinking. He should have been at the school plays, and family dinners and basketball games, he should have taken his sons fishing and taken his kids to dinner or the movies instead he chose to spend his free time drinking in a bar. My parents were great about giving hugs and kisses daily and saying "i love you" all the time. They were great about allowing us to just be kids, to play and get dirty. She was very good about never yelling about bed wetting, playing doctor with the neighbor kid, or about our weight or how clean our rooms were.

 

I took the good from all that and apply it to my kids, I take the bad and discard it. Every once in awhile it'll try and pop up but i realize what i'm doing and get rid of it.

I married young(17) to a boy(19) who is now (18 years later) a fabulous father and husband. He's thoughtful and sober and supportive. He brings his wife and 7 year old daughter roses for valentines(and chocolate). he coaches t-ball and soccer . Watches the kids so mom can have time off. He does dishes, laundry and house cleaning whenever i'm out. He hands over his pay and never asks for an accounting. whenever i feel guilty about buying myself something, he says "don't feel guilty, you deserve it!" He makes time to spend family time together and is home every night for dinner with us. He is gentle and compassionate. He even fixes anything i need fixed around the house as soon as i ask him to......................sounds like i did pretty good for a 17 year old huh? I have my parents to thank for picking so well. I say, a smart cookie, takes the good from their childhood and expands on it, takes the bad and uses it as a cautionary tale.

IMHO

[Dakini]

Originally posted by Nubianangel

What was your parents biggest mistake(s) in raising you and your siblings?

 

The 2 worst mistakes my Mother made:

 

1. She took me far away from my father and the rest of my immediate and extended family, essentially preventing me from maintaining any type of close familial ties – and severing the one’s that had already been formed.

2. She allowed her children to make adult decisions.

 

The 2 worst mistakes my Father made:

 

1. He played favourites, based on gender and bloodline.

2. He didn’t fight hard enough for us to be in his life.

[Merin]

Mistakes...

 

I don't know.. there are a lot of things I wished had been different when I was growing up. Things my Dad did or didn't do.. things my Mom did or didn't do.

 

Regardless of all those things I guess it couldn't have been that bad, because they are 2 of the people I respect the most in the world.. and I can only hope that when my little people grow up that they will feel the same way about me in spite of mistakes I'm sure to make.

[brashgal]

My parents turn every mistake into a learning experience - they are incredibly competent people. I can't fault them for the decisions they've made.

 

Mine? Staying with my lacking sack of an exhusband as long as I did...I think it affected my older son although I think it did my younger son good - so who knows - ask my kids in 10 years.

[Nubianangel]

Regardless of all those things I guess it couldn't have been that bad, because they are 2 of the people I respect the most in the world.. and I can only hope that when my little people grow up that they will feel the same way about me in spite of mistakes I'm sure to make.

 

Well said Merin. I harbor no ill will towards my parents. I actually look back at some of the mistakes they've made and laugh. I can also appreciate some of it because I am who I am because of it. Growing up, many couldn't believe and still can't believe my age. I had/have such a take charge attitude and I think I'm quite responsible and I believe it stems from my mom leaving me with some of her responsibility at such a young age.

 

Also, I don't think it productive when your own child fears you but because mom didn't 'spare the rod', I was deathly afraid of doing wrong! I never stole, fought unless provoked, honor student, etc. My brother...now that was a different story.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Nubianangel

 

 

Also, I don't think it productive when your own child fears you but because mom didn't 'spare the rod', I was deathly afraid of doing wrong! I never stole, fought unless provoked, honor student, etc. My brother...now that was a different story.

 

My Dad was the same way Nubian.. he most def did NOT spare the rod.. damn.. when I think about it, my Mom wasn't so much about sparin the ol rod either.. crap!

 

My mom beat my a** with a marble hairbrush actually broke the thing on my butt.. she was also fond of wooden spoons (those sting like mad!) and trust me.. any *dirty words* coming outta my mouth were promptly *cleaned away* with a little soap in my mouth making sure to scrape a lil on my teeth

 

My Dad.. he was more of the belt guy.. just hearing him snap the belt scared the crap outta me.. and he has a *booming voice* so yeah... you knew your sh*t was in trouble when he called...

 

My Dad still says I was that kid that was to stubborn to cry no matter what LOL

 

I rarely ever spank my kids.. they are 7 and 4.. seriously I cannot remember the last time either one of them got a swat.. but my little people also know when I'm not playing around by the tone of my voice.. LOL I guess all in all there are so many things I learned from my parents *mistakes* and growing up that I don't want to do the same things with my kiddo's... but yeah.. still, nothing but mad love for both my parents.. and like you.. my sibling LOL she's another story too!

[Nubianangel]

My mom beat my a** with a marble hairbrush actually broke the thing on my butt.. she was also fond of wooden spoons (those sting like mad!) and trust me.. any *dirty words* coming outta my mouth were promptly *cleaned away* with a little soap in my mouth making sure to scrape a lil on my teeth

 

OMG! I thought I was the only one who got the hairbrush that eventually broke across the a**! My mom was fond of belts, hairbrushes, tree switches, slippers. I can laugh about it now but boy did it hurt. I find it funny that my brother thinks he's such a tough guy but when we were in trouble, I usually opted to be punished first and didn't make a fuss. My "tough" brother ran, hid, tried grabbing the belt or wore extra clothing to lessen the sting.

 

My mom wasn't above washing our mouths out either, thankfully I refrained from saying dirty words. At home, anyway.

 

My son is 8 now and I think I've swatted his behind or hand maybe 4 times. I can't see myself taking off my belt and giving him "licks". I remember how it made me feel inside growing up. I found that talking to my son and letting him know how dissapointing his actions were is a lot more effective. At this stage in his life, we (his parents) are his post and he wants to "make us proud". (his words not mine.)

[EC]

OMG! I thought I was the only one who got the hairbrush that eventually broke across the a**! My mom was fond of belts, hairbrushes, tree switches, slippers. I can laugh about it now but boy did it hurt. I find it funny that my brother thinks he's such a tough guy but when we were in trouble, I usually opted to be punished first and didn't make a fuss. My "tough" brother ran, hid, tried grabbing the belt or wore extra clothing to lessen the sting.

 

 

LMAO LOL its funny how we can laugh about it now but it wasn't s funny at the time. My mother would grab whatever she had ion front of her but usually the belt did the trick. She was evil though she used to wet the belt. That shiot hurt.

 

I remember though when I got older and she tried the belt thing on me and I laughed and she was so angry " she was like you think its funny" lol

 

But I mean at least I think I had it better than my brother. I got licked and then in 2 secs it was over but they knew that hitting didnt work with my brother so they used to make him stand in the corner for hours lol. He was 14 standing in the corner and people would come visit and hed be standing in the corner. I would pass by and "psst psst" him and show him howmuch fun I was having playing with my toys. He hated that.

 

 

I say I dont want to hit my kids in the future when I have them but who knows? I babysit my aunts kids like everyday and theres times that I swear if they were mine I probably would've tapped their boo oty a lil bit.

[chaos70]

Man, where do I begin....

Parents never morally or emotionally supported me, never came to a football game, never came to an academic event, never participated with anything I did in school/college. Granted they did work their asses off, but when the football field is viewable from their backyard and they choose to watch TV instead.

If I didn't make straight As, they would compare with the other kids saying I better study more. Had to attend their social events or I was the bad son and forced to listen to them brag at how great an athlete I was when they couldn't even recall what my jersey number or what position I played.

They thought I could make more money when I was an executive at 25. They played their part in making my wife feel like a second rate person by saying she wasn't good enough for me when I wasn't around.

 

Drives me insane that I constantly try to garner their approval.

 

My biggest mistake as a kid was not going to understand their own hardships as kids until I was out of the house. Made me understand atleast why they are how they are...and atleast forgive them for their mistakes. Not to forget...but atleast be able to forgive them.

[seagirl]

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita

i was not sayiong that YOU, or anyone in this thread are blaming. But i do think that instead of taking responsiblity, alot of folks will continue to blame their parents, or anyone, for the undesirable aspect of their lives.

 

I couln't agree more, I have a sister who is still blaming our parents for mistakes instead of cleaning up her own life. I guess it is easier for her

[CuteAndInnocent]

I was lucky to grow up in a stable family. The thing that stands out is I don't think a mistake on their part, but just their way of thinking. They just did not let me pursue my passion.

I loved performing, I had been in community theater musicals when I was a kid and so wanted to pursue more when I was in high school and could drive myself. I wanted to get an agent and audition for things (great since we lived in suburbs of LA) but my parents were so against it since they did not want me that to be my career (whch I wasn't intending).

I had to lie to my parents saying I was driving a friend to the airport when I went to audition at Disneyland for a parade performer and I went home telling them I had that job they were happy for me. When I told them I had to lie because they would have not let me go and say that I wouldn't get the job they were like, "That's not true, of course we would have let you," - yeah, whatever!

So that's as far as I got since they weren't going to let me get an agent, etc. and I ended up going to a college of their choosing which is known for computer science. After school I was a computer analyst (basically programming) which I hated! All my office jobs like that I was just miserable and hated work.

 

When I got pregnant I was so happy to stay home and not work anymore and now 2 kids later and over 30 and never doing what I really wanted, I will now be auditioning (in a couple weeks) for a community theater show again after taking voice and dance classes as an adult. I just hope I get a part and not make a fool of myself! But I am so excited and nervous about it.

 

Sometimes it's bad that I think how great it would be if I could have gone to performing arts high school or something and could have focused my life to that at a young age and where I might be now. I feel like I have wasted a lot of my life doing what I didn't want to be doing and it's just because of the way my parents were. Like when I see stars say how their families and all that are so supportive I feel a twang of jealousy. So, with my kids of course I will let them do what they want to do (and encourage them to really find their passions) and not force them to do what I would like.