Why don't men approach women anymore?

[longjohn]

For a lot of guys, including myself, to approach and be rejected by a girl is among the more humiliating things that can happen to them, so they decide in that moment that it isn't worth the risk, especially if they've had some negative reactions to their approaches in the past. Let's face it, some girls can be brutal when they reject a guy.

You have to learn how to approach. Not every woman wants to be approached not every woman you want to approach wants you to approach. You have to approach the ladies that are willing to receive such an approach and work from there. There's risk involved and yes some women can be quite brutal as you put it, however so can some men to women. My advise is to monitor the crowd and watch body language. Eye contact is critical that'll give you either a come say hello smile/glance or a stop looking at me you creep.. response. Easier to weed out things this way than to run in blind and get horribly shot down LOL. Women are very intelligent creatures and like to give away small hints if they want you to talk to them or not. Us men on the other hand are more direct and want to charge right on in. That's not to be saying some women (many do) won't approach men and say hello.

[TouchedByViolet]

Men approach women all the time. My female friends talk about the guys who hit on them. I personally approach at least 2 new women a week. Feels like 80% are taken and 15% are not interested. Most women give me soft rejections and are very understanding. On rare occasion they are mean. For me it does feel like work instead of fun after lots of rejection though.

[slizl]

I love approaching women, it is fun for me. The way that I look at is (as long as you aren't super creepy), most people like being hit on and it makes them feel good about themselves. With that in mind, I find it relatively easy to approach women. Worst case, I get rejected and I made her day a little brighter.

[Supernatural]

For me, this is what I notice and why most of the time I do not approach...

 

1. Everyday when I walk down my street to work/gym/to grocery shop I walk by people. NO ONE makes eye contact. They are either actively looking away, looking down, or on their cellphone. Maybe out of 40 people; 4 people will connect with my eyes - men, and elderly. Never women - only if there in a group or 2 of them. If they are alone, it's so fast like a split second.

 

2. Women don't ever make eye contact. Thus, never give opportunity. And without seeing your eyes I'm not going to approach. If I see someone who is closed off, looking down, active in only their own world, that says a lot to me. I want someone who is open and has a healthy relationship with the outside world. Like myself. Not someone who is fearful just to see peoples eyes.

 

3. I work in a grocery store part-time. It would shock you how many people do not even look at me or each other. Or say Hi back when I say "Hey!" Literally, it would make you cringe and be like "people are not friendly and are so scared".

 

4. Approaching women is EXHAUSTING. You can have an amazing conversation, and then ask for coffee and she's like... "I have a boyfriend."

 

Example: Last week, I had this conversation with a woman - she was pretty, flirty, open, and I made her laugh. She was genuinely engaged. I approached her. At the end of the convo I said:

Me: "Lets grab a coffee sometime"

Her: "Ya that would be great : D"

Me: "Cool. Well let me grab your number so we can arrange something"

Her: "Oh.. Sorry I don't do that"

Me: "exchange numbers?"

Her:"Ya. Well.. I'm around here often, so hopefully we bump in t each other again, then we can go for one. I work just upstairs."

Me: "????"

Her: "Have a good day, it was fun talking to you!"

Me: "Ya cya..."

---We both walk away

 

Even If she wasn't interested... That conversation had so much hope and fun for something, then I get some lame ass excuse like that.. Why would I want to go potentially do that with another woman?

 

5. I don't think most men have the mental energy day after day to keep approaching women. It feels like a chore after awhile.

 

6. Most of all... Seeing a woman on the street/store and only going to talk to her for a date/her number... Doesn't give me much drive. Sure it's nerve racking, but It feels cheap after awhile and after a couple of years doing it. Like... "Ugh.. I've done this before.."

 

You have to quickly find something to relate about while the woman sits back and sees if she likes you. All the power is hers. And there are SO many flipping games that it's just like "the hell is the point?"

 

7. I'm mentally exhausted towards dating at the moment. Approaching women, nowhere 1st dates - even if they are great, etc. So sometimes even when a confident guy like me sees a great girl... It depends on the mans mental state whether he can handle one more interaction. It requires full energy and attention. Sometimes... And most of the time... It's not worth it. Girls play games, they are seeing other men, you have to pay for dates, and 9/10 times... It doesn't work out.

 

I would rather spend my energy on self improvement, furthering my career, or just having better workouts.

 

 

Simplest answer to the question... Men just really don't want to because they doubt it is worth it in the end.

 

Dating leaves a person more broken and jaded than when they started. I think I'm done with dating for awhile now...

 

I'm gonna go delete my OLD profile... This thread showed me I have minor depression towards dating...

[Imported]

Whether it's at a bar, grocery store, etc. Men just shy away from the approach. It's not even looks either. I've seen average looking men to Brad Pitt looks clam up.

 

Any opinions?

 

Just a random thought I've had today.

 

I think women are not encouraging it. Which is what it takes for me to approach.

 

I am not afraid of sexual harrasment claims. As Hyden said, if you come off as a threat, you're probably doing something wrong. I've taken a few women I met at work out. It is not a problem. Don't **** where you work? Hey, I **** in my bathroom, it's right next to my bedroom.

 

You know what kinda girl gets approached a lot? It's the girl that guys get the feeling "she likes me". They get this feeling because of her behaviour. Super friendly, smiles back, stands close, touches arm, doesn't shy away and so on.

 

I've looked back on some of the women I have been with, especially at work and the idea of me asking them out was not really my own. Or at least it did not grow without them (the girl) fanning that fire.

 

For chance encounters where we'll probably never see each other again, in nearly every case where I went up to a girl, it was me....noticing her noticing me. Going near her and seeing how she reacts. Saying something non-challenging and see if she takes the bait. Staying around and have a conversation and so on.

 

Some girls though, I get the feeling they are interested and other than that, they are closed off. I don't approach them.

[cristalina]

Fear of rejection is very real. It's probably one of the most painful things for a guy when a he is rejected by a woman. It affects his confidence and self-esteem with women. And let's face it ladies, women these days tend to be extremely closed off and even hostile when men approach us. We're so used to some men cat-calling us and saying inappropriate things when trying to flirt, that we've all got massive walls up.

 

Unfortunately this means that the good men out there also have to deal with our skepticism and even hostility when they do decide to approach.

 

Because of this, it's lead to many men just waiting for the woman to make a move. Honestly, most of the really good guys do tend to wait, while it's the "bad boys" that will approach no questions asked.

 

Bottom line: Women can no longer be afraid to make a move or make it extremely clear that we are interested in a guy.

 

Would it be nice for the guy to make the first move? Of course! We as women love to be desired and sought out. But sometimes we have to give some encouragement, or just flat out make the first move. Some guys dig it, too. - Cris

[Mrin]

I will approach from time to time - if there is really good eye contact and I like her smile. Back when I was single of course.

 

But here's the real reason: you don't know anything about her. You don't know if she's single. If she's looking. If she has kids. If she went to college. If she wants kids. You get all that and so much more from OLD. You can decide if she is even a remote fit before even sending the initial message. Why would you approach a woman not knowing that? OLD is amazingly efficient. And productive. And about as romantics as a wet burlap sack. None of us dream of meeting the love of our life online. But truth be told - that is probably how it will happen. It is just too good of a tool.

 

So ya, we all want that coincidental in person meeting but it is doubtful we will get it.

[cristalina]

I will approach from time to time - if there is really good eye contact and I like her smile. Back when I was single of course.

 

But here's the real reason: you don't know anything about her. You don't know if she's single. If she's looking. If she has kids. If she went to college. If she wants kids. You get all that and so much more from OLD. You can decide if she is even a remote fit before even sending the initial message. Why would you approach a woman not knowing that? OLD is amazingly efficient. And productive. And about as romantics as a wet burlap sack. None of us dream of meeting the love of our life online. But truth be told - that is probably how it will happen. It is just too good of a tool.

 

So ya, we all want that coincidental in person meeting but it is doubtful we will get it.

 

Totally agree with this. Online dating is extremely efficient!

[irc333]

Well, this is the advice I've gotten from the female perspective. I spoke to a few women and its all the same. They just somehow find it disingenuous that a strange man would only approach them out of the blue.

 

And the only reason that they WOULD be approached, is because of the physical.

 

You see, a woman would likely be more open to being approached at a mutual friends party or some social gathering. Most situations, you have to have a reason to approach a woman.

 

I recall one time where during the Holiday season where me and a woman ordered coffee at a bookstore. We were both waiting, and I noticed she ordered a certain flavor I never tried. I tried to use that as my "in" and asked her about the brew and how was it.

 

She said, "It's good"...silence.

 

Me: So you get your Christmas shopping done for the Holidays?"

 

Her: Nope. (looks straight ahead).

 

Coffee comes and I leave saying, "It was nice talking with you"

 

Smile and facial expressions, posture, gait, style, flirt signals, behaviour.

 

I suppose those could all be considered physical, but they do speak to more than just her looks.

 

We could turn the tables and say that the only reason a woman will give signals of interest is because she finds the guy to be cute or hot. I can't think of any man who would consider that to be a turn off. I'd imagine it's the same for women.

 

Gotta start somewhere.

Edited September 4, 2014 by irc333

[OwMyEyeball]

The bigger the city, the less approachable the people. That's been my experience in Canada, at least. I wouldn't be surprised if it' s the same in the US.

 

The rise of social media, cell phones and the Internet era have made strangers even stranger. While we connect more with "birds of a feather" there's also more of a passive dismissal of anyone who doesn't fall within our social network. Why strike up a conversation with a stranger when you can reach out to a friend halfway across the world? There's the unknown, which can be uncomfortable, and the known, which is comfortable.

 

Technology has had and is continuing to have a profound impact on how we socialize. Whether that's good or bad falls down to the individual level and how each of us has adapted to a rapidly changing landscape. I feel better able to relate to someone 25 years older than me than someone 10 years younger, if not simply because the tech change over the past decade has been so tremendous.

 

Edit: Worth noting that I wrote this from an airport lobby, surrounded by hundreds of strangers, while texting a few friends hundreds of miles away.

[irc333]

SO VERY true....there's a publication out called: Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community

 

It focuses in on that VERY issue. It refers to technology as "distancing technologies".

 

 

The bigger the city, the less approachable the people. That's been my experience in Canada, at least. I wouldn't be surprised if it' s the same in the US.

 

The rise of social media, cell phones and the Internet era have made strangers even stranger. While we connect more with "birds of a feather" there's also more of a passive dismissal of anyone who doesn't fall within our social network. Why strike up a conversation with a stranger when you can reach out to a friend halfway across the world? There's the unknown, which can be uncomfortable, and the known, which is comfortable.

 

Technology has had and is continuing to have a profound impact on how we socialize. Whether that's good or bad falls down to the individual level and how each of us has adapted to a rapidly changing landscape. I feel better able to relate to someone 25 years older than me than someone 10 years younger, if not simply because the tech change over the past decade has been so tremendous.

 

Edit: Worth noting that I wrote this from an airport lobby, surrounded by hundreds of strangers, while texting a few friends hundreds of miles away.

[Tayken]

It seems nobody has mentioned the fact that....men aren't exactly interested in or appreciate head games i.e. the talk about some females not to respond immediately to text/calls, make the man wait, play hard to get and that it's a man's job to pursue even though it's 2014 and not 1816

 

I can go on, but you get the gist. I expect people to deny that they do the above...we are not teenagers, and should act like adults. There is no need for the drama and BS

[jay1983]

A bunch of different reasons.

 

2: Too many women in public devote 110% of their time and attention to their cell phone. I used to like making eye contact with a woman before I would approach her. Eye contact will tell you a lot. Can't do that anymore.

 

.

 

Looking at their phone is just a way of saying they're not interested. Don't think they don't notice you, they have a freaking radar for attractive men.

[jay1983]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/483119-ladies-do-you-give-signals-when-you-want-approached

[fortyninethousand322]

I flirt outrageously with the ladies of my local Costcutter. If you are coming over like a threat then obviously you are doing something wrong. (Very)

 

I don't think it's so much that one might be coming off as a threat, but rather one worries (perhaps irrationally) that they might. I must admit it weighs on my mind from time to time.

[irc333]

Your point?

I wouldn't even remember this.

 

An aside. Don't start insipid small talk. Be specific. You were in a coffee line up. Christmas. You could have tried to make her feel special. 'I was thinking of getting some specialty coffees as a gift for my aunt. Do you think that would be a good choice or would you recommend something else?

 

Think of ways to get a woman talking beyond chit chat 'yes and no' answers. Asking for advice in some way is one way.

 

I've opened with what you just "advised" just now with other women in the past, sorry to burst your bubble, but I've had the same response. Very short and cordial, then off she would leave. Or, "Um, I dunno...pick one, doesn't matter." or something similar.

 

Face it, there are just some people that prefer to be left alone. Plain and simple.

Edited September 4, 2014 by irc333

[fortyninethousand322]

Personally, the biggest reason I don't approach is because I figure why bother risking rejection when you know what the answer will be?

[jay1983]

Your point?

I wouldn't even remember this.

 

An aside. Don't start insipid small talk. Be specific. You were in a coffee line up. Christmas. You could have tried to make her feel special. 'I was thinking of getting some specialty coffees as a gift for my aunt. Do you think that would be a good choice or would you recommend something else?

 

Think of ways to get a woman talking beyond chit chat 'yes and no' answers. Asking for advice in some way is one way.

 

You're giving good advice, but honestly if she gives you her number, she'll probably flake out. You can tell if she's interested usually before she opens her mouth. She's either making eye contact and smiling or completely ignoring you.

 

Women decide if they're interested in the first 5 secs.

[irc333]

You're giving good advice, but honestly if she gives you her number, she'll probably flake out. You can tell if she's interested usually before she opens her mouth. She's either making eye contact and smiling or completely ignoring you.

 

Women decide if they're interested in the first 5 secs.

 

Right, if they aren't interested...no matter what "insipid" or even non-insipid thing you say will score you a date.

 

She could've been short with me only because she probably didn't find me physically attractive or already had a man in her life.

[Supernatural]

You're giving good advice, but honestly if she gives you her number, she'll probably flake out. You can tell if she's interested usually before she opens her mouth. She's either making eye contact and smiling or completely ignoring you.

 

Women decide if they're interested in the first 5 secs.

 

No.

 

Looking at their phone is just a way of saying they're not interested. Don't think they don't notice you, they have a freaking radar for attractive men.

 

Some women stay buried in their phone no matter what. Attractive guy or not. It's not like there are women on their phones, then the second an attractive male is around they put their phones in their pocket, stick their chest out and start looking for immediate eye contact while flashing their eyelids. Get real.

 

In your mind you have 5 secs or your done? Not at all.

[jay1983]

No.

 

 

 

Some women stay buried in their phone no matter what. Attractive guy or not. It's not like there are women on their phones, then the second an attractive male is around they put their phones in their pocket, stick their chest out and start looking for immediate eye contact while flashing their eyelids. Get real.

 

In your mind you have 5 secs or your done? Not at all.

 

Yes that's exactly the way it is. Why don't you check out this thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/483119-ladies-do-you-give-signals-when-you-want-approached

[Supernatural]

Right, if they aren't interested...no matter what "insipid" or even non-insipid thing you say will score you a date.

 

She could've been short with me only because she probably didn't find me physically attractive or already had a man in her life.

 

She could have been short for so many reasons. I had a bad day the other day and usually i'm really friendly, but the other day I was short with everyone and didn't give a hoot.

 

 

Maybe she is agoraphobic and it was her first time out of the house?

Maybe she is really socially awkward?

Maybe she has zero confidence?

Maybe her dog just died?

Maybe she just got fired?

Maybe... Who knows. The possibilities are endless

 

Why are people so quick to chalk it up to... "I'm not attractive!"

[WonderKid]

I approach women more than I realize but it wasn't for the intent of dating, it was just conversation really. But most are too into their phones these days honestly. The walls are inpenetrable.

I've meet my GF off the internet out of all places. But she stepped up asking me out on a date. Ever since then, we've been together. It's a halfway thing. I feel if a person is interested they'll show it.

The rules of masculinity changes so drastically.

[irc333]

She could have been short for so many reasons. I had a bad day the other day and usually i'm really friendly, but the other day I was short with everyone and didn't give a hoot.

 

 

Maybe she is agoraphobic and it was her first time out of the house?

Maybe she is really socially awkward?

Maybe she has zero confidence?

Maybe her dog just died?

Maybe she just got fired?

Maybe... Who knows. The possibilities are endless

 

Why are people so quick to chalk it up to... "I'm not attractive!"

 

Because usually that's the case, but others that you listed or also speculative...*shrug* just more reasons that reinforce the reason the OP originally had asked.

[jay1983]

She could have been short for so many reasons. I had a bad day the other day and usually i'm really friendly, but the other day I was short with everyone and didn't give a hoot.

 

 

Maybe she is agoraphobic and it was her first time out of the house?

Maybe she is really socially awkward?

Maybe she has zero confidence?

Maybe her dog just died?

Maybe she just got fired?

Maybe... Who knows. The possibilities are endless

 

Why are people so quick to chalk it up to... "I'm not attractive!"

 

Yeah it something like that every time. lol