Why don't men approach women anymore?

[spiderowl]

Right, basically....a woman KNOWS the reason you approached...why? Because you thought they were "hot" or "cute". Yes, men ONLY approach because they were into you physically and had nothing to go off but THAT.

 

Usually that's a turn off in itself.

 

Actually, this isn't true. A woman doesn't necessarily know why a guy approaches. It all depends on how she sees herself. If, like me, you've never seen yourself as attractive, it's very confusing to have a strange guy approach you and try to start a conversation. You know what it's like when you are approached by a market researcher or salesperson on the street and they try to chat to you in a friendly way? You feel uneasy and wonder what they want. This isn't the way people normally behave so you sense a hidden agenda. It's just like that for women. I used to think Why has this guy stopped me in the street to talk to me? What does he want? You may think I was naive, but although I thought he might want 'something' from me, something that was clearly different from what my friends wanted, I certainly didn't think he was attracted to me because of my looks.

 

Consequently, I pushed away a lot of guys because I didn't understand why they'd gravitated towards me and it scared me. Now I look back and think well maybe they were attracted, even though I'm pretty average looking. Maybe some were genuine guys just trying to get to know me. At the time, I did my absolute best to avoid guys who looked like they might approach me. I avoided catching their eye, I tried to look busy (reading or something), I crossed over the street away from them if they stopped ahead of me, I crossed over if I saw a guy on a street corner even if the street was busy. I always knew when a guy might try to approach me, I had a real instinct for that.

 

Either the above happened because I was young and that's how all young people behave or because guys could get away with it then. It seemed to be such a common occurrence to be accosted wherever you were - street, shop, bar, cafe, bus, bus stop,

 

So it's not always clear to women why guys approach them, even if it's obvious to the guy.

Edited September 6, 2014 by spiderowl

[irc333]

A sub class of women could be put in the "avoid to be in places so they can avoid being appraoched"

 

I know this with particularly highly attractive women. They tend to strategically and deliberately attend social gatherings with people that don't give men opportunity to approach them.

 

I.e. - Girl's night out or just non-night clubbing female only get together, Vegas trips (women's only). Or spend time in more gender neutral events...with the elderly or family members.

 

This has been happening with Meetups lately, too. People are kind of going off and"doing their own thing" outside the groups. This includes Meetup members who had been avoiding the organized events and partaking in more cliquish gatherings.

 

Some tend to make RARE appearances like a solar eclipse or more comparable to the Loch Ness. LOL.

[guest569]

In my experience, people are a lot less friendly now than when I was growing up. Now people are a bit more cautious and reserved and less approachable.

 

I am a little insulted that people think men buy pets to "chill" with whereas women buy pets to fill some kind of void or because they are somehow deficient. I think most people buy pets for companionship and something to care for, regardless of their gender and age. I might as well state that all men are guilty of neglecting their pets if they don't wish to nurture them. That's apparently the woman's job.

 

I did buy my cat for company and friendship, not because I am replacing my boyfriend or nonexistent children that I have no desire to produce.

[HeartDesires]

I am a little insulted that people think men buy pets to "chill" with whereas women buy pets to fill some kind of void or because they are somehow deficient.

 

LOL smiley1...I actually heard that from a man just recently. When I told him how important my cat is to me, he concluded it's due to me not having an active sex life

[OwMyEyeball]

A bunch of different reasons.

 

1: A lot of men have no backbone these days. No male role model, so they never learned how to be a man.

How am I supposed to be a man?

 

Seriously, I'm asking. I have no idea. My father never taught me. Part of me thinks even he didn't really know, he just played the part. I've had no other male role models in my life to really pattern my behaviour on other than employers.

 

Philosophy, psychology, sociology and spirituality have given many explanations, but offered no path. No concrete expectations. If anything I'm left with more questions.

 

I want the marching orders. I want to know what I'm supposed to be doing. I want god damn ****ing male identity.

 

But I'll keep doing what I've been doing and make it up as I go along.

[gaius]

LOL smiley1...I actually heard that from a man just recently. When I told him how important my cat is to me, he concluded it's due to me not having an active sex life

Only a cat owner can understand.

[AD1980]

Guys you are talking utter tosh.

 

Yes looks play a part but if you are not going to bother smiling and saying hello that is far more unattractive than crooked teeth or a bit of blubber.

 

I know one chap who is as ugly as sin and his wife, whom he has been married to for many years very happily would make the most glamorous of models look ugly if they stood within 10 ft of her - that is on one her many a no make up days. She is utterly gorgeous from the inside out. He got the girl because he was comfortable in his skin proud of who he is and has the attitude of "this is me if you don't like it - it doesn't bother me".

 

You know what he smiled lots, made her laugh lots, treated her well with out going over the top and had the courage to ask her out.

 

Men can get away with far more than women when it comes to looks.

 

Look after yourselves, don't be jerks and they will say yes. Go up to them with greasy hair, dirty or smelly clothes while shuffling your feet along the floor and looking around the chest area (which is what it looks like you are trying to when you look at your feet) and no your not going to get a date.

 

Lol this is not true at all most women will not say yes just because you clean well mannered and approach they have to find you physically appealing

[OwMyEyeball]

Find a mentor. There has to be a man out there that you respect, who can show you how to be successful.

There are several

 

And if you put them in a room together they'd get into a big argument about what it means to be a man.

 

Looking back at what I've written, and the male role models I have had, maybe it's best that I keep on keeping on and take away all the good that I learn and leave the bad behind.

 

Never meet your idols.

[Salvatore85]

Because men have grown tired of stroking the female ego...

[Tayken]

Only a cat owner can understand.

 

A crazy one to be specific

[MoreCoffee]

For myself, it stems from desperately wanting to do right by the fairer gender

and failing, again and again. It gets wearing. You think you know the proper way, the right way to be - so you try this and try that and adjust this over here and still no. Eventually the white flag comes out and your reality choices are: 1) Wallow 2) Continue ramming head against brick wall or 3) Fill your life up with anything and everything to keep yourself busy/distracted. Thank God for gaming and fantasy football.

And if not being a glutton for punishment makes a *ussy, then meow, meow.

[Lipitor11]

What do you mean by the "cold approach?" Like out in public-at the mall, grocery stores, etc, etc...Well, I guess those places aren't meant for guys to approach women. Like others have mentioned before, OLD, Work, School, Social groups, Activities, Dance-Clubs are places to actually approach women...I guess that's true.

[jay1983]

What do you mean by the "cold approach?" Like out in public-at the mall, grocery stores, etc, etc...Well, I guess those places aren't meant for guys to approach women. Like others have mentioned before, OLD, Work, School, Social groups, Activities, Dance-Clubs are places to actually approach women...I guess that's true.

 

Cold approach is an approach with no signs of interest.

Edited September 6, 2014 by jay1983

[thefooloftheyear]

For myself, it stems from desperately wanting to do right by the fairer gender

and failing, again and again. It gets wearing. You think you know the proper way, the right way to be - so you try this and try that and adjust this over here and still no. Eventually the white flag comes out and your reality choices are: 1) Wallow 2) Continue ramming head against brick wall or 3) Fill your life up with anything and everything to keep yourself busy/distracted. Thank God for gaming and fantasy football.

And if not being a glutton for punishment makes a *ussy, then meow, meow.

 

 

Its true....

 

Men can and do grow very cynical...Whereas women always hold out hope, if a man gets kicked iin the nuts one too many, he is just not going to go there anymore....

 

TFY

[Tayken]

How would I be to her...I like pets. *shrug* so it's a win/win.

 

 

You missed the point, not all women like dogs/cats, especially if they are into travel and their career. Not every likes to sit around like a home buddy and stroke a cat / dog

[StanMusial]

Almost everyone I know met their wife or gf through social circle(s), whether that be school, professional, general acquaintance etc. I only know one person who married someone from OLD. It is not that popular where I live. As far as "approaching" goes, with complete strangers involved, if you're not a social person and involved in the local bar/party scene, I don't know how viable it is. It is kind of weird to just approach a stranger as they go about their daily lives. Especially if you are older anyway, like 30+. Chances are high that any girl you approached is already involved with someone.

 

With that being said when I was single I did approach girls cold but always in a bar or at a party/concert/vacation spot, ie. anywhere a social situation might be appropriate. Anywhere it might seem natural for single people to mingle. I would think coffee shops or bookstores etc. might be a gray area but that was never my scene anyway. I talk to girls all the time at the gym or in other places but I'm not trying to date them so they don't really "reject" me.

[No Limit]

3: I never know who to approach these days. How do you pick a woman to talk to when so many of them dress and act the same? Winter is coming, and around here, that means every single girl will be wearing the same outfit, black yoga pants, Ugg boots, and a The North Face jacket. Very few women stand out anymore.

 

Standing out isn't a good thing for most girls, especially when their confidence isn't the greatest. After all the desired highschool guys do chase prissy wannabe-models, so they'll try their best to copy that style. Or any other style that's currently in the news or TV shows.

 

And I damn well know what I'm writing about here -- heck, it's basically my age group. The only time I was "accepted" as normal girl - more or less - was when "The Big Bang Theory" was placed in the afternoon program.

 

And no offense, but I don't think you or other guys look for the "outstanding" type, it's just another hype. You see people quoting poetry everywhere in their status to make them look oh so profound, and pictures of people standing in the rain "enjoying their most valuable freedom and love for nature"... but, no. I haven't met anyone - below the age of 60 - even capable or interested in philosophy or just "random brainstorming", and there's no one else but me in the rain when I take a walk, with or without my dog.

It's probably romantic to think of, and those few times I managed to get friends to do something out of character for them they liked it - but it doesn't feel nearly as safe as the "mainstream girl".

 

And mentioning my dog - at first I felt like typing a book how animals aren't always meant to fill empty places (to me the death of my cat has actually left one, now that space-filling went pretty wrong huh?); but I'm currently on vacation and have the "joy" to see dogs dragged along the beach through hot weather without any water or rest, often enough not even allowed to pee (why the hell are you taking your dog for a walk if not to let it pee?! This beach isn't polished anyway) and that one time where a guy was inline skating with a girl and dragging the dog along who could barely keep up I almost felt like ranting right there. So yeah, it's just sad to watch.

[dj572]

Just speaking for myself but it's just not worth it anymore. Even some women I have had frequent contact with and I like them I run the whole dating scenario through my head and I just don't want to deal with it.

[Lipitor11]

So, basically if a women over 30 has no social circle, unable to meet someone at work who is single and interested, no longer in school or doesn't go out and about-aka outside activities, its impossible for her to meet a guy?

[StanMusial]

So, basically if a women over 30 has no social circle, unable to meet someone at work who is single and interested, no longer in school or doesn't go out and about-aka outside activities, its impossible for her to meet a guy?

 

She might try OLD, I don't know. She could probably date dozens of guys she won't like that way. Obviously if she just sits at home and does nothing she'll never meet anyone except for the occasional home intruder, depending on how bad her neighborhood is. Be sure to dress nice before bed and maybe leave a window or two unlocked, leave some cookies and milk out and have fun being burgled.

[Mangina]

I can't muster the courage to approach a girl. Not even when they stare at me.

[thefooloftheyear]

So, basically if a women over 30 has no social circle, unable to meet someone at work who is single and interested, no longer in school or doesn't go out and about-aka outside activities, its impossible for her to meet a guy?

 

 

I dunno.....

 

Even though I am out of the game, I get hit on by women fairly regularly, at the bank, at my place of business, while ordering lunch....all sorts of venues...

 

I dont think its all about "structured" activities....People meet every day doing the most mundane of things...

 

TFY

[No Limit]

I have a pit bull. If I were to take her out while I was on inline skates, I would probably be the one who couldn't keep up!

 

Trouble is that everyone here has pocket-size-dogs. No idea what breed the little fella was, but it can't be that comfortable when the guy takes up speed and pulls on the leash every time the dog pulled him back cause he couldn't keep up.

[Supernatural]

She might try OLD, I don't know. She could probably date dozens of guys she won't like that way. Obviously if she just sits at home and does nothing she'll never meet anyone except for the occasional home intruder, depending on how bad her neighborhood is. Be sure to dress nice before bed and maybe leave a window or two unlocked, leave some cookies and milk out and have fun being burgled.

That would be an interesting story... Guy goes to burglarize home. Ends up meeting woman who is sitting lonely in dark. Guy sits on coffee table and they have a heart-to-heart. Guy ends up taking girl out for ice cream 2 days later.

--------

I approached a girl yesterday. We chatted for about 5 minutes.

 

She was about 20 meters away when I walked in the cinema after paying for a ticket. My friend(girl) and I were looking to get some snacks. Then this girl who made eye contact with me 3 times from a distance who was behind the counter, came out of the doors and came to tidy a stand of candy right beside us. My friend who was a girl, engaged conversation with her like a good wing-girl should. She eventually shuts up and I'm asking her a bunch of questions.

 

Throughout the conversation, she laughed, had good body language, smiled at me, I put her down in a flirty way, gave her a compliment, then I said "we should hangout sometime", then she rejected me with... "I'm really busy". Then I bid her a farewell and we walked to the theatre.

 

The point of this story... Is that even if a girl is giving you signs and and signals before either of you approach... It means nothing. And just if a woman doesn't give you signs and signals... It means nothing.

 

We saw "Boyhood" -- which everyone here should see. Amazing.

 

Yes, my ego was a bit hurt after that, as I thought I had it in the bag. But I got rejected. I think, however, not ever approaching a woman again based on fear or being uncomfortable is the last thing to do.

 

We as humans are put here to experience. To feel. When I stop doing that and opt for safety and comfort; I have lost more than potential numbers from women. You have lost the ability to believe in yourself. And that is something no one should feel.

 

I got rejected by a woman. That's what most people will focus on. But what DID happen aside from being rejected? (a multitude of real reasons by the way). I believed in me, I took a risk, I lost nothing by trying, I don't have regret, I took control of a moment. And even though it didn't work out... Who says it didn't work out for the better?

 

Losing confidence and hope, is a choice. I commend myself for even opening my mouth.

 

Because my friend could have talked to her then I could have chose not to even open my mouth based on "i don't want to get rejected." story over. And this post wouldn't be here. But it is. And that's life.

 

Just don't turn the sword on yourself.

[Tayken]

I can't muster the courage to approach a girl. Not even when they stare at me.

 

 

You obviously have to work on this, it's not something anybody can help you with...we can all tell you what we think works i.e the tools, but the onus is on you to put it into action

 

First step is you having self confidence / courage / and able to take rejection...this applies to all facets of life. If you are one of those people that have been brought up by bad parents not wanting to hurt your feelings, then that might be responsible for this

 

Personally....I have never looked at any woman or man as being better than me. In my dating life, I am quite comfortable approaching any woman available because am educated, my self esteem is high, am a career professional, a father, not bad looking, well spoken, and friendly.

 

The worst that can happen is the person says NO....doesn't mean you are the loser, it could just mean they are intimidated by you