5 years single & counting.. So jaded by dating

[PinkCarnations]

I'm feeling incredibly lonely and jaded tonight. My last "real" "official" relationship ended in 2009 - we dated for over 2 years, and it took me about 2 years to get over it. But I did my best and made zero contact. I've since liked other guys - two I slept with but we were never official. One got back with his ex... while I was living with him... Yeah took a year to get over that... and the other guy I slept with decided we weren't compatible (cried over that as well). I also liked some guys from online dating, but for some reason, they just lose interest. One pulled a slow fade after i said no to going home with him.. This other guy online I was talking to for over a month just seemed uninterested in our conversation. And then today, this other guy just stopped talking to me altogether.

 

Im a picky person, so I don't really talk to that many guys... But it seems like the guys I do like never seem to completely like me back. I think I'm a pretty attractive person, have ambition, values, don't sleep around, etc.. You'd think I'm a good catch, but I feel like there must be something in my demeanor that garners this type of behavior/responses from guys (ie. ultimate rejection). Anyone else feeling this way? I keep feeling like I'm waiting to share my life with someone.. Have a person to make scrapbooks for, plan travel with, etc.. Hoping to get some words of encouragement..

[gaius]

You're probably a great catch pink. I get a feeling you've turned down your fair share of guys. It can just be a bumpy road for those that are drawn to people who aren't that into them. =/ It's a fairly common thing and there are happy endings occasionally so don't despair too much. When you do find Mr Right eventually you'll enjoy it all that much more after having had to trudge through the wasteland.

[longjohn]

I'm feeling incredibly lonely and jaded tonight. My last "real" "official" relationship ended in 2009 - we dated for over 2 years, and it took me about 2 years to get over it. But I did my best and made zero contact. I've since liked other guys - two I slept with but we were never official. One got back with his ex... while I was living with him... Yeah took a year to get over that... and the other guy I slept with decided we weren't compatible (cried over that as well). I also liked some guys from online dating, but for some reason, they just lose interest. One pulled a slow fade after i said no to going home with him.. This other guy online I was talking to for over a month just seemed uninterested in our conversation. And then today, this other guy just stopped talking to me altogether.

 

Im a picky person, so I don't really talk to that many guys... But it seems like the guys I do like never seem to completely like me back. I think I'm a pretty attractive person, have ambition, values, don't sleep around, etc.. You'd think I'm a good catch, but I feel like there must be something in my demeanor that garners this type of behavior/responses from guys (ie. ultimate rejection). Anyone else feeling this way? I keep feeling like I'm waiting to share my life with someone.. Have a person to make scrapbooks for, plan travel with, etc.. Hoping to get some words of encouragement..

If it makes you feel any better there are those of us who are male that have had similar experiences. I left my then wife in 2009, got divorced. Dated a year later and it never felt right. Dated a number of ladies over the years but never could find the right one with the right chemistry. Important lesson I learnt many years ago is the new partner can't be allowed to have an ex laying around they talk to. It's either them or I. I've found this policy saves a lot of time in the breakup process lol. I've had a few just fade out (online, before meeting) then come back as if it where normal. I too believe (hope) I'm a good catch, I mean I own my own house, car, ran a successful business for a number of years and currently have a good stable job. Yet dating has been quite the mine field for me. I've no doubt your an excellent catch Pink, it just takes time to find the right person I suppose. At least this is what I'm telling myself.

[Zippy2000]

Dear Pinkcarnations,

 

Please dont feel alone. There are many millions of people like you and some on here. Thats whey we are on here to share our experiences and offer the best advice

 

My last proper relationship was back in 2005. Since then I ve had a string of short term OLD up till 2009 and EVERY date after 2009 appears to be a slow fade.

 

So please, you arent alone.

 

Ive read your post twice and one of the things that strike me is that you say that you are quite a "picky person". Could it be your choosing the same type of man thats unavailable to you?

 

Kudos for saying no to going home with that man as he was after one thing and that was sex. If he was interested he`d continue to date you, and thats when you release the goods. You offer sex as a reward after a spot of commitment or devotion. Some people give the "good" away too soon and as soon as the man has got it. He`s gone!

 

Im a man, and I ve dated a few girls that have taken me back. When I was younger I was shocked as I came from a traditional and old school background but from a man`s point of view. She wasnt a challange she wasnt a conquest and as soon as I got sex off her. It wasnt that I was interested it was offered to me on a plate.

 

Humans always want something more if they have to work harder for it.

[Zippy2000]

If it helps. You could also o to the "SEARCH" option on Loveshack and type out SLOW FADE so you can understand why it happens and you`ll find its not just you who gets slow faded.

[BluEyeL]

Might be a problem with being "picky" while applying the wrong criteria. I noticed that when people say they're picky, the mostly think of looks. that shouldn't be your criteria for pickiness, but character traits. There might be a lot of changes that you could do to turn things around, but without knowing you better, I can't give specific advice.

[HappyLove]

If you want to get your confidence back quit OLDIng NOW!

 

The fade is VERY common w OLDing. It's not you! Trust me! Do like Zippy said and you'll see!

 

You need to put the focus back on yourself. Hit the gym go to meetup events. Take classes. The right one is going to pop up when you are just out there enjoying life. I've done the same and am meeting men all over the place! The right one I'm sure I'll meet soon. But PLEASE no more OLDing it works for very few people. Unfortunately it's a sess pool of the worst types these days.

[Gloria25]

PinkCarnation, I feel ya...

 

I have my moments where I rather just sit at home with something good to eat and TV show instead of get all dolled up for a date - where my time will be wasted. Also, my hands and toys can help satisfy my "lady needs"

 

Now, I hear ya about you having certain qualities (looks, etc.) but do you ever wonder if your choices may also be why you can't find quality guys?

 

I mean, IMO, OLD is full of a lot of flakes and it is sooooo 'artificial' - people are quick to diss you just based on a pic and profile, and even after one date.

 

Also, you said a guy you were 'living with' left you? Well, IMO, "living" with someone ends up with them taking you for granted - cuz they're getting the milk w/o buying the cow.

 

Additionally, IMO, things like shacking up (living together w/o marriage) and women being so casual with sex and/or putting guys through the ringer once he marries her is why a lot of men now a days aren't willing to settle with one woman...They have "options" w/o having to make a commitment.

[mightycpa]

So I started counting years, and I get the impression you really haven't done a great deal of dating since the two big breakups.

 

Maybe you just don't have enough guys in the pipeline. Think of how many single people there are, and how different everybody is. The chances of finding somebody you really like are relatively small. You've got to start moving some serious product, so that Mr. Right doesn't have to wait for 5 years to get his turn.

[Zippy2000]

Out of curiousity Pinkcarnations.

 

How many men from OLD have faded? And

 

How many men disappeared after sex?

[oberkeat]

You're probably a great catch pink. I get a feeling you've turned down your fair share of guys. It can just be a bumpy road for those that are drawn to people who aren't that into them. =/ It's a fairly common thing and there are happy endings occasionally so don't despair too much. When you do find Mr Right eventually you'll enjoy it all that much more after having had to trudge through the wasteland.

 

I agree, in that 5 years, OP has probably turned down several guys because, for whatever reason, they just didn't do it for her. The upside is that as a woman, all she has to do is wait for some guy that does do it for her to approach. As men, we have the burden of having to risk rejection and approach women first if we want a relationship. Things could be worse, OP.

[TouchedByViolet]

I know the feeling. For me even getting dates is difficult so a relationship is a rare occurrence. My main consolation is that it's better to be single than in an unhappy relationship.

[Zippy2000]

I keep feeling like I'm waiting to share my life with someone.. Have a person to make scrapbooks for, plan travel with, etc.. Hoping to get some words of encouragement..

 

Sounds maybe like an old cliche but it will happen. Never give up.

 

"Hope, is a good thing, maybe the best things.......and no good thing ever dies"

 

Quote from The Shawshank Redemption.

Edited September 4, 2014 by Zippy2000
Spelling

[PinkCarnations]

Dear Pinkcarnations,

 

Please dont feel alone. There are many millions of people like you and some on here. Thats whey we are on here to share our experiences and offer the best advice

 

My last proper relationship was back in 2005. Since then I ve had a string of short term OLD up till 2009 and EVERY date after 2009 appears to be a slow fade.

 

So please, you arent alone.

 

Ive read your post twice and one of the things that strike me is that you say that you are quite a "picky person". Could it be your choosing the same type of man thats unavailable to you?

 

Kudos for saying no to going home with that man as he was after one thing and that was sex. If he was interested he`d continue to date you, and thats when you release the goods. You offer sex as a reward after a spot of commitment or devotion. Some people give the "good" away too soon and as soon as the man has got it. He`s gone!

 

Im a man, and I ve dated a few girls that have taken me back. When I was younger I was shocked as I came from a traditional and old school background but from a man`s point of view. She wasnt a challange she wasnt a conquest and as soon as I got sex off her. It wasnt that I was interested it was offered to me on a plate.

 

Humans always want something more if they have to work harder for it.

 

Yeah I noticed I'm attracted to alpha males and generally guys who could easily attract other women. Ie. good-looking, fit, career-oriented... Maybe things would be different if I was talking to a less attractive guy? I can't really change who I'm attracted to, so this is tough. But now that you bring it up, I think the problem may be that there is a gap between the attractiveness level of a guy I typically date and my own attractiveness level. Like maybe these guys realize after a while that I'm not quite up to par. *shrugs* my roommate said that I always gravitate towards men who have too many women going after them - military pilots, successful corporate guys, etc,

[PinkCarnations]

If you want to get your confidence back quit OLDIng NOW!

 

The fade is VERY common w OLDing. It's not you! Trust me! Do like Zippy said and you'll see!

 

You need to put the focus back on yourself. Hit the gym go to meetup events. Take classes. The right one is going to pop up when you are just out there enjoying life. I've done the same and am meeting men all over the place! The right one I'm sure I'll meet soon. But PLEASE no more OLDing it works for very few people. Unfortunately it's a sess pool of the worst types these days.

 

Yeah I've been focusing on myself for the past 5 years.. Constantly striving to improve myself and my life in every aspect. I started OLD because I finally felt satisfied with myself enough to start actively looking for a relationship again. I do go to the gym routinely, eat healthy, have hobbies I enjoy by myself etc. But you do bring up some good ideas like taking classes and joining meet up.

[PinkCarnations]

Out of curiousity Pinkcarnations.

 

How many men from OLD have faded? And

 

How many men disappeared after sex?

 

I've only met one guy from OLD that I was really attracted to and would want a relationship with. One night we made out at a bar and he asked me to go home with him, but I said I better not (just thought it was too soon). Needless to say, he didn't really respond to my texts after that night. It could be for a number of reasons though - didn't like my personality, I was a bad kisser? I was too ditzy or who knows... But I think it's probably any of those reasons that made him only want to have a one night stand with me rather than a real relationship and when I didn't give him that, he felt it wasn't worth it and moved on..

 

This other guy I talked to recently online (for over a month) but never met up with just stopped showing interest.. I always asked him questions and he merely answered. He was the one that messaged me first, so maybe he just got turned off by something after a while.. Who knows. I just stopped responding as well.

 

This other guy recently messaged me and after a few messages, he stopped replying out of the blue.

 

How many men disappeared after sex? So far, 2 out of 3 (other times were with serious boyfriends). I don't sleep with a lot of people in general.. I only sleep with guys I can see becoming my boyfriend. But maybe I should change that? I mean... I have needs too.....

Edited September 4, 2014 by PinkCarnations

[PinkCarnations]

Hmmm? Doing more of the same will probably get the same results. 'Just stick in there' is not an answer. It is more of a hope...maybe a false one.

 

You need more critical self analysis.

 

You mention guys moving on or back but not the 'why'. Why did a guy not stay with you but went back to ex...why did a guy fade...etc.

 

Are you too distant emotionally...the reverse, too clingy? Guys get involved with you ...so they are attracted, etc. and then what is it that turns the switch off about you?

 

I agree. I'm making a chart of all the guys who rejected me in the past few years and the reasons why. Apparently, they were attracted to me enough to initiate things with me but there must of been something about my behavior that turned them off.. Appearing too eager? Caring too much? Too type A? Lol.

[longjohn]

I agree. I'm making a chart of all the guys who rejected me in the past few years and the reasons why. Apparently, they were attracted to me enough to initiate things with me but there must of been something about my behavior that turned them off.. Appearing too eager? Caring too much? Too type A? Lol.

I work with hundreds of type A guys and they can't all be in charge lol. It's a bit of a zoo but I see some of them blow through women like it was m&m's. You should probably try and find a guy that actually likes and wants you for yourself? Type A may not be the right type for you?

[HappyLove]

Ugly guys are horrible OLDing too so don't waste your time!

[PinkCarnations]

I work with hundreds of type A guys and they can't all be in charge lol. It's a bit of a zoo but I see some of them blow through women like it was m&m's. You should probably try and find a guy that actually likes and wants you for yourself? Type A may not be the right type for you?

 

Lol no I'm the one that's type A, but I think the guys I date usually are too - overachievers, very neat, a bit condescending. Anyways I mentioned my being type A as a factor because this one guy I slept with commented that my bedroom was too neat and that it was an indicator that I'm "high strung." I think it could be why he thinks me and him weren't compatible. He was definitely more messy and less ambitious than me (i never really saw us long-term anyway)..

[longjohn]

Lol no I'm the one that's type A, but I think the guys I date usually are too - overachievers, very neat, a bit condescending. Anyways I mentioned my being type A as a factor because this one guy I slept with commented that my bedroom was too neat and that it was an indicator that I'm "high strung." I think it could be why he thinks me and him weren't compatible. He was definitely more messy and less ambitious than me (i never really saw us long-term anyway)..

Now I understand, your the type A! It's understandable. What's funny is you mentioned "high strung". I dated a lady once that also told me I must be high strung and yes my place is "too neat" and orderly. It's not OCD but things have a place.

[cristalina]

You are not alone! So many people experience this. It's kind of the nature of dating these days, which is sad. You sound like a beautiful person, and you are most definitely worthy of a healthy flourishing relationship!

 

Just time to pick yourself up, and get back out there. Or take time for you and just enjoy popcorn and Netflix for a while. I can't decide which I would like better....a man or Netflix.....just kidding (sort of). Hugs girl! - Cris

[Tayken]

I'm feeling incredibly lonely and jaded tonight. My last "real" "official" relationship ended in 2009 - we dated for over 2 years, and it took me about 2 years to get over it. But I did my best and made zero contact. I've since liked other guys - two I slept with but we were never official. One got back with his ex... while I was living with him... Yeah took a year to get over that... and the other guy I slept with decided we weren't compatible (cried over that as well). I also liked some guys from online dating, but for some reason, they just lose interest. One pulled a slow fade after i said no to going home with him.. This other guy online I was talking to for over a month just seemed uninterested in our conversation. And then today, this other guy just stopped talking to me altogether.

 

Im a picky person, so I don't really talk to that many guys... But it seems like the guys I do like never seem to completely like me back. I think I'm a pretty attractive person, have ambition, values, don't sleep around, etc.. You'd think I'm a good catch, but I feel like there must be something in my demeanor that garners this type of behavior/responses from guys (ie. ultimate rejection). Anyone else feeling this way? I keep feeling like I'm waiting to share my life with someone.. Have a person to make scrapbooks for, plan travel with, etc.. Hoping to get some words of encouragement..

 

 

Aren't we all...but that could be taken in many way...does that mean you pick based on looks, or do you actually read their profiles to pick more important stuff out of it? I ask because most women online respond based on just a guy's look...you can say it ain't so, but we've all seen the profile that say..."I want a tall, attractive man".

 

Nowhere does it mention he has to be employed, honest, caring etc. It's always just about the look. Most women just want to date a guy for looks, and post his pics on their social media to show off to their friends

 

Unfortunately, most of these women end up alone when Mr Wonderful gets what he wants, and moves on to the next pretty. Personally, shallow women are a big turn off for me, and yes I do stop talking to them as soon as I spot this trait in them. That is exactly what these men are doing here

[Zippy2000]

I've only met one guy from OLD that I was really attracted to and would want a relationship with. One night we made out at a bar and he asked me to go home with him, but I said I better not (just thought it was too soon). Needless to say, he didn't really respond to my texts after that night. It could be for a number of reasons though - didn't like my personality, I was a bad kisser? I was too ditzy or who knows... But I think it's probably any of those reasons that made him only want to have a one night stand with me rather than a real relationship and when I didn't give him that, he felt it wasn't worth it and moved on..

 

This other guy I talked to recently online (for over a month) but never met up with just stopped showing interest.. I always asked him questions and he merely answered. He was the one that messaged me first, so maybe he just got turned off by something after a while.. Who knows. I just stopped responding as well.

 

This other guy recently messaged me and after a few messages, he stopped replying out of the blue.

 

How many men disappeared after sex? So far, 2 out of 3 (other times were with serious boyfriends). I don't sleep with a lot of people in general.. I only sleep with guys I can see becoming my boyfriend. But maybe I should change that? I mean... I have needs too.....

 

 

Hey, thats ok Pinkcarnations. I was asking because I wanted to find out if it was anything on your dates you were doing that was causing some men to fade.

 

I asked two question on here and I get judges by asking a few questions with out getting your input and then they say its ok for them to disagree with me! Bejesus!

 

I think you should do what you do but maybe its the type of man you`re going for.

 

The guy you made out at the bar. Its obvious you had a lot of sexual chemistry. It would take time to find out if he would be compatible, but because he didnt get the good on that night? Well yu filtered out a sex pest there.

 

The guy you talked to for over a month? Well that is a long time, and its no doubt he would lose interest. I d say the most is communicate for about a wee or a fortnight before meeting up. He probably gave up as he didnt think it would go anywhere but kudos for the guy for trying for a month.

 

With the other serious boyfriends then that could be relationship, or commitment problems with the other half. Someone on here called IrC333 did mention on a separate thread that most relatiosnhips tend to last an average about 2 years or so.

 

Take a look back at who you`ve met and how the relationships went. Is it something like not enough communication, clingyness or anything that can make them walk away?

[endlessabyss]

We're all gonna make it.