None of my exes ever came back

[Dontfindme]

I'm on the 'Second Chances' section a lot because I still want a second go with my ex, and reading your experiences allows me to compare and contrast, and plan for my golden opportunity - in vain, I know.

 

Reading everyone's stories here made me realize that NONE, absolutely none of my exes ever came back for a second chance. Not even after I had moved on from them. I received messages years later, but just to check up, never to get back together.

 

Sometimes, I get envious of all the people here who are receiving all of these texts, and contact with their exes. From my experience, I never even had to block my exes. We break up, and we just do NC -for years.

[HeartDesires]

I still want a second go with my ex

 

why?......

[Zapbasket]

I'm in the same boat, OP. It hurts.

[Ordinaryday]

None of mine ever did either, and the ones that I really cared about never contacted me again after they dumped me, they could have died one day after dumping me for all I know cos I never heard a word from them. makes you feel loved.

[Nathaniel Hawk]

I think this is one of the reasons why it's better to block them completely (unless there are children involved). If you do it then you don't feel bad if they don't contact you because you have no way of knowing if they tried to or not.

 

They want us out of their lives so vanishing it's the way to go. And also the road which heals the faster.

 

Don't get envious because you didn't get any and consider yourself lucky. Usually it never works out and just messes with your mind for leaving you broken hearted again.

[leoc1973]

That's odd. All of mine did. Literally anyone I ever dated for 6 months or more tried to get me back. And in every case it was soon as I met somone else. Are you dating other people after your breakups or just wollowing for a year? People don't want what they can have at a snap of a finger.

[FortunateSon]

Both of my long term exes came back. Both times I reconciled with them. Both times we broke up again after about a year and a half because they didn't make ANY effort to change or compromise. Be careful what you wish for, break ups happen the first time for a reason.

[Mcnulty]

All of my major exes tried to come back and in hindsight, I'd have rather all of them were cut and dried, broke up, end of story. Believe me, dragging a situation/relationship out over the years has wasted me lots of time and angst, would much rather have had linear clean breaks...don't wish for it and don't take it personally, it's life's way of giving you a new chapter.

[Waz]

Me too OP, i was thinking the same, but in the long run i'm really glad about that.

 

At first it was like "Don't i deserve even a breadcrumb? I don't mean anything to them, enough to make them contact me?" Or "I think if i got breadcrumbs, maybe i would suddenly realize that i don't need them and move on instantly" or "wtf in the end everyone has some sort of contact with their exes, why not me? I envy them" and all these things.

 

But consider this: You're thinking only the positive outcome of this, because that's what you gotta do. Time passes, feelings fade, feelings of bad memories fade too. That's why. And you think that if that happens you can handle it. But life is full of tricks mate. You don't know how you'll react if that happens to you.

 

Imagine that: How would you feel if an ex contacted you and you chit chat blah blah blah, and got along pretty well for some time but after 1-2 months when your hopes of reconciliation started increasing again, you found out that she just got into a relationship with someone else (while you two already were talking)? Ouch. You don't want to experience that. No one does. So, you see why you don't want breadcrumbs.

 

And if you find yourself thinking about it often, then maybe it's your fault, cause you're browsing this section or even this forum, the topics of which are forcing you to think of your exes and to compare to every individual story you see here and by doing this, you're just making yourself depressed without reason and you can't find peace of mind. I realized i was doing the same thing after some time and i knew i had to stop. And i stopped

 

Just go out and don't come back, do something productive for yourself.

[Dontfindme]

why?......

Your asking this allowed me to reflect, thanks.

I want to make it work, I feel we had something special, and I fear I may never find it with another- he doesn't share my sentiments. But I wish he did. I guess none of this is realistic. I'm just wondering really.

I'm in the same boat, OP. It hurts.

 

It does hurt, and it really makes me wonder what I'm doing, and what everyone else is doing differently. We will get through this, in time, I hope.

 

None of mine ever did either, and the ones that I really cared about never contacted me again after they dumped me, they could have died one day after dumping me for all I know cos I never heard a word from them. makes you feel loved.

 

I experienced the same. The ones I really wanted to come back never even reached out. I guess they respected us enough not to torture us, as the general consensus seems to be. Thanks for sharing this.

 

Both of my long term exes came back. Both times I reconciled with them. Both times we broke up again after about a year and a half because they didn't make ANY effort to change or compromise. Be careful what you wish for, break ups happen the first time for a reason.

 

I have heard of this happening in many cases. Most people want to be the exception: get back together and live happily ever after. It isn't realistic if you're not willing to put in the effort. I can't speak for myself, as I don't know how I would feel if it really happened to me - probably similar to everyone who's cautioning me on here. Thanks for sharing your experience, it really helps.

 

That's odd. All of mine did. Literally anyone I ever dated for 6 months or more tried to get me back. And in every case it was soon as I met somone else. Are you dating other people after your breakups or just wollowing for a year? People don't want what they can have at a snap of a finger.

 

I'm not necessarily wallowing too much, but I'm really not dating people for a while either. I give myself long breaks between relationships. How are yours (or anyone's) dates so readily available? I'm not really sure how to date - pathetic as that is. All my relationships just all form out of close friendships, so it sucks even more because I lose all my good friends over the years. I'm trying to cut this pattern.

 

I think this is one of the reasons why it's better to block them completely (unless there are children involved). If you do it then you don't feel bad if they don't contact you because you have no way of knowing if they tried to or not.

 

They want us out of their lives so vanishing it's the way to go. And also the road which heals the faster.

 

Don't get envious because you didn't get any and consider yourself lucky. Usually it never works out and just messes with your mind for leaving you broken hearted again.

 

I have failed so badly at blocking him. I'll do it for a few minutes, and then unblock him again - it sucks. Your post did incite me to delete all of his texts from my phone, I was having a hard time doing that. Thank you

 

I like the idea of vanishing. I just need to work my way up to blocking him now.

Thanks for the advice!

 

All of my major exes tried to come back and in hindsight, I'd have rather all of them were cut and dried, broke up, end of story. Believe me, dragging a situation/relationship out over the years has wasted me lots of time and angst, would much rather have had linear clean breaks...don't wish for it and don't take it personally, it's life's way of giving you a new chapter.

 

Thanks, I appreciate your input, and agree with yours and everyone's warnings here - I realize it is never easy, and more often than not ends up wasting more time, and causes more suffering. I'm going to try to stop wondering about this so much.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Dontfindme]

Me too OP, i was thinking the same, but in the long run i'm really glad about that.

 

At first it was like "Don't i deserve even a breadcrumb? I don't mean anything to them, enough to make them contact me?" Or "I think if i got breadcrumbs, maybe i would suddenly realize that i don't need them and move on instantly" or "wtf in the end everyone has some sort of contact with their exes, why not me? I envy them" and all these things.

But consider this: You're thinking only the positive outcome of this, because that's what you gotta do. Time passes, feelings fade, feelings of bad memories fade too. That's why. And you think that if that happens you can handle it. But life is full of tricks mate. You don't know how you'll react if that happens to you.

 

Imagine that: How would you feel if an ex contacted you and you chit chat blah blah blah, and got along pretty well for some time but after 1-2 months when your hopes of reconciliation started increasing again, you found out that she just got into a relationship with someone else (while you two already were talking)? Ouch. You don't want to experience that. No one does. So, you see why you don't want breadcrumbs.

 

And if you find yourself thinking about it often, then maybe it's your fault, cause you're browsing this section or even this forum, the topics of which are forcing you to think of your exes and to compare to every individual story you see here and by doing this, you're just making yourself depressed without reason and you can't find peace of mind. I realized i was doing the same thing after some time and i knew i had to stop. And i stopped

 

Just go out and don't come back, do something productive for yourself.

 

Those are my exact questions! I'm glad I'm not alone here, although I hope no one ever has to think this way.

 

You really put things in perspective for me. I imagine things just working out really well if he ever were to contact me, and both of us putting in our effort to make it work - but it will never be the same, and I will be devastated if he came back throwing breadcrumbs at me, and keeping his options open on the side. I guess I would start expecting our good times right away, and this forum has relayed that, that is not the case.

 

I do browse this section the most, and compare my story to everyone's here. I'm glad you stopped, I need to stop doing that too; and perhaps browse the self-improvement section more. Thanks so much for your feedback, it really helps a lot!

[zhaulk]

Thing is, none of your exes have come back YET..

 

Don't look for them to do so. Most exes do eventually come back in some way shape or form, but you shouldn't ever respond to their attempts.

[Dontfindme]

Thing is, none of your exes have come back YET..

 

Don't look for them to do so. Most exes do eventually come back in some way shape or form, but you shouldn't ever respond to their attempts.

 

When I attempt to stop looking for them to come back, I feel like I do it only because it'll make them come back. So I'm not being genuine. This has become a pretty difficult task for me.

 

I try to keep reminding myself that they never come back in the way that you would want them to. That has been somewhat helpful.

[Mangina]

I still keep trying, even though it never works.

[elseaacych]

When I attempt to stop looking for them to come back, I feel like I do it only because it'll make them come back. So I'm not being genuine. This has become a pretty difficult task for me.

 

I try to keep reminding myself that they never come back in the way that you would want them to. That has been somewhat helpful.

 

Once you stop waiting for them, you will find whatever is supposed to happen... happens.

[hedyo]

People mean different things when they talk about exes "coming back". Sometimes they just mean checking up, which your exes seem to have done. I often wonder whether people read too much into BS from their exes. Like maybe someone gets a message from their ex saying that they miss them. Often these messages will come after the dumpee has moved on, so they'll shut it down and won't dig any deeper. They'll tell themselves that their ex wanted to reconcile, but regretting the breakup doesn't necessarily equal wanting to get back together.

 

My previous exes have come back in different ways. The ones I've dumped and gone NC with have usually come back within a month or so and said they wanted me in their life, even if just as a friend. The one guy who dumped me started drunk-dialling me quite frequently for 1.5 years after things ended with my next boyfriend. This was three years after he dumped me. I say he "came back", but it was a pretty sad and half-assed attempt. Maybe he wanted to reconcile, or maybe he just wanted sex. I wasn't interested in either, so I'll never know.

 

I think my most recent ex (who dumped me) will come back, but just in the sense of getting in touch down the line and wanting to be friends.

[Dontfindme]

People mean different things when they talk about exes "coming back". Sometimes they just mean checking up, which your exes seem to have done. I often wonder whether people read too much into BS from their exes. Like maybe someone gets a message from their ex saying that they miss them. Often these messages will come after the dumpee has moved on, so they'll shut it down and won't dig any deeper. They'll tell themselves that their ex wanted to reconcile, but regretting the breakup doesn't necessarily equal wanting to get back together.

 

My previous exes have come back in different ways. The ones I've dumped and gone NC with have usually come back within a month or so and said they wanted me in their life, even if just as a friend. The one guy who dumped me started drunk-dialling me quite frequently for 1.5 years after things ended with my next boyfriend. This was three years after he dumped me. I say he "came back", but it was a pretty sad and half-assed attempt. Maybe he wanted to reconcile, or maybe he just wanted sex. I wasn't interested in either, so I'll never know.

 

I think my most recent ex (who dumped me) will come back, but just in the sense of getting in touch down the line and wanting to be friends.

 

1.5 years, wow!

I've never really thought about the context in which they 'come back', and how people may be defining it based on their assumptions, but it may be wrong. This is a really good point, thanks for the input!

 

After lurking and reading a lot of posts, it seems female dumpers come back the most. I've hardly seen a handful of posts where male dumpers come back.

 

I haven't really considered the gender differences here, but I'll keep an eye out for that. Thanks!

[Kid_Charlemange]

That's odd. All of mine did. Literally anyone I ever dated for 6 months or more tried to get me back. And in every case it was soon as I met somone else. Are you dating other people after your breakups or just wollowing for a year? People don't want what they can have at a snap of a finger.

 

My first wife definitely felt regret after ending the relationship. We wound up in touch with each other through a bizarre coincidence after three years of NC. Had lunch once, then again, then dinner many times. She was still with the guy she'd left me for, but it was clear she was having second thoughts, and eventually voiced them. I was dating someone else as well, and ultimately decided I was better off with the new GF. I guess knowing that I could have her back was enough for me. plus, after three years, pretty much all the emotion was gone.

 

We're still close friends, by the way -- she's in the process of divorcing the guy (same one).

 

My latest LTR, even though she really treated me like crap... yeah, I wanted her back, because I thought her behavior was out of character. It's been almost a year now, and even though we run into each other 3-4 times a month, there is clearly no interest on her part. She still has me blocked on FB, and recently de-connected from me on LinkedIn. To my knowledge she's not dating anyone else, but our breakup was pretty dramatic. I don't see any possibility there.

 

More recently, I was dating a woman for a couple of months, and I really thought (would have sworn to it) that things were going great. We were in constant contact (she lives about 100 miles away) between visits, we always had a great time together, the sex was fantastic, her friends thought I was perfect... right up until she ended it due to a lack of "spark." We still text occasionally, and if she were to date a few more guys, find out they were douches, and suggest trying it again, I'd be all over that idea... but I'm not holding my breath.

 

I think every situation is absolutely unique for all of us. Relationships themselves are insanely complicated, and the breakups always seem to have multiple causes.

[Absinthe]

Two of my exes have come back and will continue to keep trying to come back until they marry or finally meet someone they can properly be with, I suspect.

 

Do I see this as a compliment, or validation of my awesomeness? Nope. In my early twenties I did, but then I realised there were two reasons for an ex to come back:

 

1) nobody else on the horizon

2) they're immature

 

My most grown-up relationship, in which I lived with the guy, he respected my decision to go NC and that's it. Not heard from him since. Which was great, because I healed from that relationship properly.

[Phoe]

The problem with browsing the second chances forum, is that you are going to get biased information, because this is where people specifically talk about going back to an ex or trying to go back to an ex.

 

You're not going to hear much of the "I dated a guy 10 years ago and then we never spoke again. The end" - because that's a pointless story. Nobody bothers to mention that.

 

Of course, now that there's a thread actually talking about it, now you're seeing those coming forward with the same experience. It's just that there was no point in anyone actually pointing it out before.

 

None of my exes tried to get me back. I consider this quite normal.

Edited September 13, 2014 by Phoe
autocorrect

[somedude81]

My ex dumped me nine months ago and not once has she initiated contact.

 

The last time I heard back from her was in February.

 

I seriously doubt I'll ever see her again.

[Mr Scorpio]

Count your blessings. My ex dumped me, then eventually realized that the man she left me for was gay. We became FWB and then a couple, but I was just a placeholder. She dumped me again once she found someone "better".

 

 

Fool me once...

[thefooloftheyear]

Count your blessings. My ex dumped me, then eventually realized that the man she left me for was gay. We became FWB and then a couple, but I was just a placeholder. She dumped me again once she found someone "better".

 

 

Fool me once...

 

 

What a kick in the nuts!!

 

That just sucks, man...gotta be a special place somewhere for someone like that...man...horrible..

 

TFY

[Sugarkane]

Thank god someone I can finally relate too!!!! I've only heard backfrom one ex who I found out had a girlfriend. He blew up my phone with verbally abusive messages when I refused to meet up with him. Every other ex has dumped me out of the blue and never contacted me ever again. I'm glad I'm not the only one now!!!!

[Dontfindme]

While I do count my blessings that I'm not dealing with all the heartbreak of an ex giving off mixed signals and using me, it is somewhat comforting knowing I'm not the only one. Even though it seems it never really works out well when the ex does return.

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It helps those of us on the other side.