Trying not to break NC

[Justsimplyliving]

Little background both age 21, dating for around 11 months knew eachother a while before we decided to get together. She goes through alot depression, anxiety etc. She broke up with me when I sort of rushed her when she was going through a one of her rough patches. Said she cant completely cut me out of her life but needs to love herself more right now. She is really a great girl and I really do want to be with her. I personally think the break up was from spending to much time together which is easily fixable now that I have moved in to my new place. I guess I just want to know if its possible for things to work. I mean she has still been trying to text me ..alot more than I have texted her but I just dont know what to do, I really want her to be part of my life but I dont want to be strung around. Please any and all advice is appreciated I am going crazy here.

[NC-Thomas]

She broke up with me

 

She cut you out of her life by breaking up with you.

 

So please explain to me why:

 

1. She still deserves to contact you? (probably to ease her own feelings of guilt)

 

2. You are still in contact with her? (if she doesn't want you, why are you still allowing her to be in her life?)

3. Why you are trying to fix things? (Love comes from 2 sides. Not 1.)

 

Based on my experience I would leave her hanging (I know, it's tough) and let her come to me. Let her know that your not going to sacrifice yourself be stung just because she remains in contact.

 

From the moment she broke up with you, she LOST the right to remain involved in your life. But you are allowing it, so you cannot heal.

 

Go NC. Ignore her. Let her feel the result of her decision. If she wants you back, she will have to do way more than casually texting you.

 

Please go and read some of the NC Guides on LS.

[Justsimplyliving]

She has been texting me since the break up with was a mere 5 days ago. She never even said the words break up or break. But she did say she didnt want me gone out of her life and she did say she loved me. She text me little text evena text that said why would you be there for me when I put myself in this big mess i am in. Pretty confusing text messages. I have been really distant via texting replying 8 hours after she text me. Yesterday I did not reply. She is a very stubborn girl and I do not know that if she wants to be with me that she would try to make things right especially if I am ignoring her. Understand what I am saying? I dont want to ignore her if she is going to ask me to see her to correct her wrong doings right? Thats just what makes sense to me.

[NC-Thomas]

She has been texting me since the break up with was a mere 5 days ago. She never even said the words break up or break. But she did say she didnt want me gone out of her life and she did say she loved me. She text me little text evena text that said why would you be there for me when I put myself in this big mess i am in. Pretty confusing text messages. I have been really distant via texting replying 8 hours after she text me. Yesterday I did not reply. She is a very stubborn girl and I do not know that if she wants to be with me that she would try to make things right especially if I am ignoring her. Understand what I am saying? I dont want to ignore her if she is going to ask me to see her to correct her wrong doings right? Thats just what makes sense to me.

 

In your first post, you said she broke up with you.

 

I get that she is very unsure of what she wants. Please understand that you are now part of her insecurity by being dragged along with it.

 

Also how are you dealing with her depressions and anxieties? Decide for yourself if its worth remain in a relationship as well!

 

As for now, I would stop being a doormat and set some boundaries. She cannot expect you to be her chatboy and break up with you at the same time...

[Justsimplyliving]

yes she broke up with me but never said break up or break.. very strange then literally has texted me everyday until I went NC yesterday. I can deal with her depression and anxiety but I will not let her break up with me everytime shes having a rough week or month. I want to show her my independence and that I do not need her I want her. " I think that was the biggest is" she thought that I was dependent on her and vice versa. I defintely want to be back with her at some point but I dont want to go NC to the point that I lose her, just because I feel she is stubborn enough to want to fix things but not say anything about it.

[bubbaganoosh]

yes she broke up with me but never said break up or break.. very strange then literally has texted me everyday until I went NC yesterday. I can deal with her depression and anxiety but I will not let her break up with me everytime shes having a rough week or month. I want to show her my independence and that I do not need her I want her. " I think that was the biggest is" she thought that I was dependent on her and vice versa. I defintely want to be back with her at some point but I dont want to go NC to the point that I lose her, just because I feel she is stubborn enough to want to fix things but not say anything about it.

 

Actions speak louder than words so maybe she didn't say the word "Breakup" but her actions imply it.

 

In other words she's tell you "I want you but I don't want you" and to me it comes down to "either $h!t or get off the pot".

 

All she's doing is making you swing in the wind thinking that as soon as she makes up her mind, you'll come running, so now you make your mind up. You want to be treated like a yo yo or a human.

 

IMO stop the text and any other communication and if you have to text her then let her know that until she clears up her issues, you don't want to here from her so you can re claim your life.

[Justsimplyliving]

Thats the thing I completely agree withe everything you said 100%. The biggest issue I am having is she just kept saying there is so much on my mind my mind keeps running and give it be she is going through alot of ****. I dont want to push her out of my life until her clear mine says I dont want to be with you at all. You know what I mean sometimes people under serious stress make bad decisions and that happens!

[Chi townD]

Thats the thing I completely agree withe everything you said 100%. The biggest issue I am having is she just kept saying there is so much on my mind my mind keeps running and give it be she is going through alot of ****. I dont want to push her out of my life until her clear mine says I dont want to be with you at all. You know what I mean sometimes people under serious stress make bad decisions and that happens!

 

 

 

So...you're okay with being strung along. You're okay with giving her those ego boosts and filling her emotional needs until she finds someone else to fill that role (and trust me, she's looking). You're okay, with putting your life on hold? Because that's what's happening here.

[Justsimplyliving]

If you knew her you wouldnt be saying that. We have been broken up for 4 days she said herself shes not ready to move on, shes just so stressed she has no idea whats going on in her life. And no I will not be strung along. My plan is to go NC until she contacts me saying I'm sorry or something of that nature and wants to talk about it if she admits she messed up and wants me back we can talk about it. If she doesnt do anything of that sort I am finished I told myself I will only wait until next week for her to change her mind to be with me if that doesnt happen then oh well it wasnt meant to be. Is that that bad of a plan?

[WorryGirl]

Sorry to change the direction of the wind, but I disagree with most of the advice you are being given here.

 

Do not go NC. I hate NC! Relationships do get tough. When that happens, you need to work on things. Make them better. NC is like running away. If she is going through a bad patch right now due to depression and anxiety, why would you want to abandon her? You put too much pressure on her, you said so yourself. Why would she be okay with that? Who wouldn't become a little subdued when that happens? Support her. Love her. Help her get through it. That's what relationships are all about. She hasn't messed up at all, so don't torture her by refusing to talk to her until she comes running back saying sorry. What would that accomplish? Is that what you want your partner who you love to go through? Do you want her to be miserable? I bet the answer is no. NC can only make her feel abandoned, and if it works it'll be because you instilled in her a fear of abandonment.

 

As for the confusing text messages, she is confused. She is depressed. I don't believe you fully understand how hard it is to be suffering from it, so I urge you to do a little more work in trying to empathise. Depression and axiety hurt so much. They are a pair of exhausting, confusing and dreadful illnesses that will change who you truly are. You wouldn't hold it against her for having cancer, so don't hold mental illness against her either. She will get better. You have to be her partner in order for her to be yours. Relationships are a two-way street.

 

One more thing about wanting an apology- you will one day realise that life will be much easier if you learn to forgive. Sometimes it even means accepting apologies that you never even got. I'm not saying you should be walked all over, but you definitely shouldn't get your back up. It benefits you, nobody else. You will be happier for it.

[WorryGirl]

So...you're okay with being strung along. You're okay with giving her those ego boosts and filling her emotional needs until she finds someone else to fill that role (and trust me, she's looking). You're okay, with putting your life on hold? Because that's what's happening here.

 

What rubbish. If his girlfriend posted another thread in here with her story, you'd be telling her that her guy was a moron and that she should move on. He isn't being strung along, she's being honest. She's not looking for anybody else, don't taint someone's relationship by telling them that and pretending to know someone. His life isn't on hold, this is exactly what life is about. Sometimes things don't run smoothly, and sometimes there are set backs before happiness. Nothing in life is easy, that doesn't mean it isn't worth it.

Edited August 3, 2014 by WorryGirl

[hoping2heal]

Thats the thing I completely agree withe everything you said 100%. The biggest issue I am having is she just kept saying there is so much on my mind my mind keeps running and give it be she is going through alot of ****. I dont want to push her out of my life until her clear mine says I dont want to be with you at all. You know what I mean sometimes people under serious stress make bad decisions and that happens!

 

Yes, it does happen but breaking up with your partner when you're stressed out sounds like a bit of bonk to me, sorry. There was a point I was dealing with my Grandfather dying (and it wasn't a very "pretty" death either), while having just lost my Grandma only months prior, while also enduring a super grueling academic semester and being in the midst of writing up 90 pages for a project. I was stressed, grieving, angry, sad, the whole calamity. I didn't just up and dump my boyfriend though.

 

I think if she has some mental health issues then it's reasonable she has some "ground rules" if you will. It's not a free pass to just rip right through people like a wrecking ball just because you have X issue. A person still needs to be responsible for managing what they're going through as best as they can. Depending on the diagnosis, that will mean different things. I would read up on what she has so you will get a clear understanding of her limitations when she's in an episode.

 

There's going to be a real problem brewing if she thinks its acceptable to up and dump you anytime she's in the thick of it. Since it sounds like you two aren't going through an actual break up(?) then I don't see the point in NC. Talk this out like adults and let her know certain behavior is not excusable. At the same time, you two need to work out a plan that helps her handle things so your relationship isn't on the chopping block every time she's going through some difficult thing.

 

If she can't be bothered to talk this through with you, she's jerking you around. Her actions need to mirror her words. If she told you she's not ready to move on then OK she needs to back that up in action. That means sorting out "what went wrong" and why she reacted this way she doesn't repeat this behavior again when it's unnecessary.

[Justsimplyliving]

What you have stated is exactly what I feel is right. I do believe that NC is needed for a little while just to establish the difference between dating and not dating me. If we broke up and keep talking like were dating nothing is fixed. It has been 5 days of NC and I do believe we will talk soon. Her friends have told me she misses me and still cares about me. They seem to think she is just going though a rough patch which doesn't surprise me. I definitely think she doesn't know what she wants when she goes through this but I do really think she cares about me. If things work work we are going to have to discuss what we plan on doing when these rough phases come so we can work through them together.

[Chi townD]

If you knew her you wouldnt be saying that. We have been broken up for 4 days she said herself shes not ready to move on, shes just so stressed she has no idea whats going on in her life. And no I will not be strung along. My plan is to go NC until she contacts me saying I'm sorry or something of that nature and wants to talk about it if she admits she messed up and wants me back we can talk about it. If she doesnt do anything of that sort I am finished I told myself I will only wait until next week for her to change her mind to be with me if that doesnt happen then oh well it wasnt meant to be. Is that that bad of a plan?

 

 

Well, not to be an ass, but if you knew her, then the thought of her dumping you now is a thought that you would have never considered to be a possibility. But, it happened.

[Justsimplyliving]

It did happen. I have taken this all into consideration. My idea is that I stick to very very minimal communication maybe once a week if that. My plan is to move on with my life and move on past her and if the days comes where she wants to sit down and talk about what happened, it will be my choice whether I want to go back to that or keep moving on.

[Justsimplyliving]

Alright need some help seriously we have been broken up a week or two. I have been NC with her, ignoring her. Ran into her on Monday at the local bar, didnt say much not even bye when she left. After she left she texted me saying I am sorry I was just confused, hope we can still be friends. I simply responded I cannot be friends with someone I was in love with. Havent talked sense Monday and this morning I receive a Hello text, a part of me wants to reply hey and if she says how are you to go NC again. Is that a valid idea or not? What should I do. Dont get me wrong I would love to be with her but I will never be anyone second option ever!

[Zahara]

Alright need some help seriously we have been broken up a week or two. I have been NC with her, ignoring her. Ran into her on Monday at the local bar, didnt say much not even bye when she left. After she left she texted me saying I am sorry I was just confused, hope we can still be friends. I simply responded I cannot be friends with someone I was in love with. Havent talked sense Monday and this morning I receive a Hello text, a part of me wants to reply hey and if she says how are you to go NC again. Is that a valid idea or not? What should I do. Dont get me wrong I would love to be with her but I will never be anyone second option ever!

 

You either tell her to not contact you because you need to heal and or you go straight NC with zero response. I would do the latter because you already told her you cannot be friends.

 

No need to play games.

[Justsimplyliving]

It wouldnt hurt anything or hurt me anymore if I just reply hey, if she has some important stuff to say then alright if she just asking me whats up or how are you I will not respond. I just feel like if she had something important to say it would start with hello.

[Chi townD]

You told her that you can't be friends with her and can't communicate with her. You receive a "Hello" text from her. Dude, this is a breadcrumb. This is to see if what you said was true. If you respond, then you give her an ego boost by letting her know that she still has power over you. She can get you to go back on your word and she can still get what ever she wants from you.

 

 

Ignore it, dude.

[Justsimplyliving]

Alright thanks again. I just wanted to see what she would say thats all I guess. Like if it was actually something of some importance, NC is hard as can be especially if they are still going to text you.

[Zahara]

Alright thanks again. I just wanted to see what she would say thats all I guess. Like if it was actually something of some importance, NC is hard as can be especially if they are still going to text you.

 

What can she say that's important other than let's be friends that's going to change your situation? Nothing.

 

NC is your responsibility. If they are going to make it hard for you to NC, then you block them so that you don't get crumbs.

[Justsimplyliving]

I already made it clear we cannot be friends. Who knows maybe down the road shes going to try to be with me again idk. If she contacted me and said he I think I really messed up and if you would give me the time of day to talk that would be nice, id probably do it not that id take her back but id hear her out. And thats what I guess I was hoping for out of that conversation.

[Justsimplyliving]

This seems to just continue going on. We broke up about 2 weeks ago everything was fine, she did some hurtful things (putting all the cards I got her in my mailbox etc). I called her and told her that was unnecessary and I did not want to see those. We got in quite a little argument about it she said she did it out of smite because I gave some things back when we exchanged belongings. During the phone call I said I respect that you know longer want to be with me, I need you to respect that I cannot talk to you in order to move on past you. She said alright she understands etc etc. This morning I woke up with a Happy Anniversary text message as today is our anniversary, I just want to know if I should reply or if I should ignore her. This is the girl I would love to be with and would maybe take her back under my terms only as the break up itself wasn't bad. Just looking for some honest advice and opinions. I want her to know I am happy without her although I still care about her. I feel as if not replying makes me look like its bothering me and I do not want her to think that.

[Ordinaryday]

This seems to just continue going on. We broke up about 2 weeks ago everything was fine, she did some hurtful things (putting all the cards I got her in my mailbox etc). I called her and told her that was unnecessary and I did not want to see those. We got in quite a little argument about it she said she did it out of smite because I gave some things back when we exchanged belongings. During the phone call I said I respect that you know longer want to be with me, I need you to respect that I cannot talk to you in order to move on past you. She said alright she understands etc etc. This morning I woke up with a Happy Anniversary text message as today is our anniversary, I just want to know if I should reply or if I should ignore her. This is the girl I would love to be with and would maybe take her back under my terms only as the break up itself wasn't bad. Just looking for some honest advice and opinions. I want her to know I am happy without her although I still care about her. I feel as if not replying makes me look like its bothering me and I do not want her to think that.

 

to ease her guilt by seeing that you are okay and more importantly that you are not mad at her.

 

if you have told her you are not prepared to be "just friends" with her then you have done everything you need to do and you owe her nothing - now just ignore everything she sends you unless the text outright states that she made a mistake and wants you back

[Zahara]

During the phone call I said I respect that you know longer want to be with me, I need you to respect that I cannot talk to you in order to move on past you.

 

I feel as if not replying makes me look like its bothering me and I do not want her to think that.

 

BUT -- it is bothering you! If it wasn't bothering you, you wouldn't have told HER that you need NC to move past her. So, she already knows why you'd ignore her. Your rationale doesn't make sense.

 

Stop worrying about what she thinks and start focusing on what helps you move forward.