I am losing it.

[hourglassangel]

I am new here, and I am embarrassed by what I have done. Background, I am almost 40, single, one child. Relationship with my child's father is great, we just were not meant to be together. Had a rough breakup 2 years ago, but all is excellent now.

 

My story. I can't help myself and I feel addicted. I was dating a guy for less than 6 weeks. At first we started as friends, but than feelings developed. I didn't want to ask anything about us since it was so new, I was playing the cool girl and talking it slow. About the last week were together, I noticed he was getting distant, so I offered to give him space to think. He blew up at me and blamed me for making a decision for him.

 

My problem now, is that I have spent weeks texting him trying to get him to talk to me, he has now called my crazy, bi-polar and this is exactly why he doesn't date. I turned into a monster and I am so embarrassed by this, I want my pride and dignity back. I handed it to him on a platter, and now he got the best of me and I'm so stupid. I've read the posts here that say no contact, believe me when I say I try. Every morning I wake up earlier and earlier and I have this pain in my heart and chest. I don't even know what I want from him anymore, his replies are so mean and brutal and I keep going back for more. As of last night, he finally blocked me on his phone and said I'm on his do not call list. What have I done? This isn't me. I hate knowing someone is out there bad mouthing me and calling me things I am not. How do I get through this?

[hourglassangel]

I get why he is calling me names. I go from no texts, to a hundred texts a day, saying anything to get his attention. I will say I will back off, and than beg for him to call me 5 minutes later.

[stillafool]

You obviously can't stand rejection. Just stop it! You now know he no longer wants you, does not want to hear from you and has ultimately blocked you to ensure he doesn't have anymore contact with you. What else do you need to get the message? The only hope you have of him ever reaching out to you again (which I somehow doubt) would be to go complete and total NC. I really don't think he will contact you again but at least you should have learned your lesson by now to let someone go when they want out.

[hourglassangel]

It's true, I hate rejection and my damn pride and ego. God I wish I could just stop. He didn't end it with me, I let him go, and now the one paying the price for playing games with him, which I did not do intentionally. I was testing the water to see what he would do....big mistake playing this game.

 

I haven't dated in years, over 8 years. I made a huge mistake.

 

This was the last text I sent to him yesterday:

I am embarrassed by my attempts to contact you. I acted out of desperation and fear and I've tainted myself and look disgusting. You have every right to call me names bc I deserve it for the way I acted. I am sorry for everything and wish none of this happened, but it did and the damage is done, no going back.

 

I hope I can recover from this. It feels like trauma and I have a migraine. What I've done is so wrong on so many levels. I played games and I ended up hurting myself.

[Zahara]

Are you starryeyedsurprise?

 

In any case, the damage is done. The only way to get your dignity back is to stop contact.

 

What you want from him is validation. When you see no value in yourself, you become dependent on someone else to make you feel worthy.

 

He's making you feel unworthy. When he does that you chase him to try and make him change his view of you so that you're validated in his eyes. You can't find it within yourself. You need him to confirm that for you. The more he is mean to you, the more you'll try to reverse it. Why? It's because you have no self-love, self-respect and worth in yourself.

 

How to get through it? You have to want to get through it. When you feel you want to break NC, self-talk, calm yourself, have a discussion in your head and talk yourself out of it. Pick up the phone and call a friend. Write in your journal as to why breaking it is futile. Read it over and over again so it grounds you. Go out and take a brisk walk and repeat positive affirmations about yourself and why you need to hold on to your dignity.

 

Most times, the urge to reach out will pass if you allow it to pass. The problem with you is you REACT out of panic. The way to treat panic is to try and calm yourself down. The next time you want to send him 100 texts, step back, go sit in a corner, breathe and have a discussion in your brain as to why it is not productive for you.

 

Just like a mother (you) talking to your child and helping him/her come out of something that is uncomfortable, you do that same thing for you.

[hourglassangel]

Yes, this is, I lost my password, and set up a new account.

 

Panic is right, I panic and try to fix it and fix it until I lose control. My brain hurts from thinking about it. why do I want validation? why do I keep looking? I don't get it. I'm the first to give advice to anyone, I can help anyone out, but when it comes to me FML is all I can say.

 

I can't figure out how to get out, I'm my own worst enemy

[Zahara]

Yes, this is, I lost my password, and set up a new account.

 

Panic is right, I panic and try to fix it and fix it until I lose control. My brain hurts from thinking about it. why do I want validation? why do I keep looking? I don't get it. I'm the first to give advice to anyone, I can help anyone out, but when it comes to me FML is all I can say.

 

I can't figure out how to get out, I'm my own worst enemy

 

I think you posted a thread noting that you believe you are co-dependent.

 

You want validation from someone like him because you have no ability to validate yourself -- you cannot see your own worth. So you keep chasing him to give it to you. It's part and parcel of being co-dependent.

[hourglassangel]

Yes, I am co-dependant. and God I wish I wasn't. I have had therapy for years, I am the quickest to offer advice, but why can't I see my own worth? My girlfriend told me that yesterday, that I don't value myself. I want to stop! and you know what's crazy? My thinking is that if I am not around he won't come back so I do what I can to keep him....really?

[Zahara]

Yes, I am co-dependant. and God I wish I wasn't. I have had therapy for years, I am the quickest to offer advice, but why can't I see my own worth? My girlfriend told me that yesterday, that I don't value myself. I want to stop! and you know what's crazy? My thinking is that if I am not around he won't come back so I do what I can to keep him....really?

 

Just because you went to therapy for years, if you haven't consciously made an effort to change your patterns, then all the therapy in the world won't help you.

 

Since your divorce, have you ever spent time just being on your own? Not months but a couple of years just doing you.

[hourglassangel]

I was never married, we were together for 7 years, but no marriage.

 

I've been in therapy since I was a child, my family went to therapy because my father was an abusive narcissist who cheated and would beat the kids. We could never do right in his eyes, we were never perfect enough.

 

When I was younger, I had normal relationships with men, but something snapped about 10 years ago. I dated someone for 3 months, found out he was cheating, and I chased him for months, ironically enough we became amazing friends after that and we still are. After dating him, I noticed a behavior that I have, chasing unavailable men or ones who weren't worthy enough. Here is goes back to how my mom chased my father for 20 years, while he cheated, until she finally divorced him when I was 16. This is what I learned.

 

The chase is really addicting. I pick the wrong men, they do what they can to get me, I develop feelings for them, they do something wrong and I flip. It's really my gut telling me to get out, by my head plays games.

 

I have been single, for 2 years, but dating here and there. I do realize that I need a break from men, I do. I'm so afraid of ending up alone but I am self-sabotaging any chances of it. I'm not desperate or alone or lonely, I have plenty to fill my day, I just want a partner to share good times with.

[Zahara]

I read your thread about the guy that was engaged while dating you. And that was recent so you've gone from one clown to this clown within months.

 

I think you attach quickly because you depend on a man to fulfill you. You may not be desperate for a man but you're desperate to be loved and validated. You're desperate to fill that hole in yourself and you're doing it by seeking external validation versus filling it inward.

 

A man can treat you like crap - instead of running, you cling. Instead of going yuck, you're screaming love me.

 

It would be good for you to just focus on yourself and your child. You really need to work on loving yourself. When you start to believe you deserve more, that you are worthy, that you have value, that you have boundaries and expectations and the ability to enforce and adhere to them, the ability to tell wrong from right without questioning yourself or allowing a crap guy skew your judgment, you'll be able to walk away much faster, with self-respect intact. Right now you have no rule book for yourself. You're just flying by the seat of your pants and just doing what you've always been doing.

 

That thread about "beauty", I would not have even engaged that guy. But he made you want validation, didn't he?

[hourglassangel]

Zahara - everything you say is right and everyone in my life says the same. You know what is even worse, this guy I dated was friends with the man that was engaged. Ugghhhhh, the reason we started talking in the first place is because we had a "trauma" bonding friendship in the beginning. The engaged guy used him as well, for a place to live and money, and we bonded on this.

 

I didn't intend to enter this friendship with him to hook up with him. It was friendly banter and fun and all day texts and phone calls. Than after a few weeks, something happened and we got close.

 

I know it's wrong that, you should never date anyone who is friends with an ex, but the engaged guy was a sociopath. He uses everyone in his life for money and sex, even has sex with multiple women a day, proclaiming love to them all. I to fell victim to this trap.

 

So, in 2 years, I **** where I eat (dating a guy from work) and than dating his friend. Wow is that tough to swallow, what have I done to myself (tears pouring down my face)

[Zahara]

So, in 2 years, I **** where I eat (dating a guy from work) and than dating his friend. Wow is that tough to swallow, what have I done to myself (tears pouring down my face)

 

Hun, it's good to come to these realizations and maybe this is the wake up call you needed. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to finally realize that we have to swim up.

 

You have to make a promise to yourself -- no more. You have to learn from these self-reflections that you have. Keep nurturing them. You can't feel this way today and then tomorrow start texting. Write. Journal. Everytime you feel weak, go back and read your thoughts, rope yourself back into reality. No more chasing. Trying to find validation when the only one that can validate you is you. If you see no worth in yourself, how is a man going to see it in you? And until then you are going to keep attracting these types because your value and boundary system is all skewed.

 

You have to want this. You have to want change, once and for all. You said you blocked him and he blocked you -- but contact was still made. Until you resolve in your head that it's just futile and detrimental, you will keep repeating this.

 

This time -- REALLY block him. Can you do that? And the moment you want to unblock him, come here first before you break NC. Can you do that? Even if you don't come to LS, call your sister, friend, mother, someone to help talk you out of it. One step at a time.

 

Can you make a promise to yourself to take those steps first before you self-destruct?

[me85]

Woman, oh how I feel you on the stupid pride and ego thing. I don't deal with rejection very well at all, either. I'm just not used to losing with guys. My entire life I've been sort of the "heartbreaker" sort of, for the most part.

 

I have had my heart broken 3 times. Though the last time I'm still recovering from. It's been over a year now. So far, it's the hardest RS to get over. It took me 4 years to get over the first time I got my heartbroken.

 

Anyway, I've gone off track. I don't think you're heart is broken at all. It definitely is your ego that's hurting. You just have to delete his contact info and resist the urge to get in touch with this guy. 6 weeks is a burb of time in a RS or in a period of dating someone. You are basically strangers. If you fell hard fast, I get it but remember...6 weeks. Even if the sex was the best sex you ever had...

 

You can't stalk the man anymore.

[hourglassangel]

Yes, I can make that promise to myself, I have to and I have no other choice because I will continue to hurt myself only. I actually already blocked him about an hour ago before your message so I am starting to think clearly.

 

The other thing, I feel like a broken record. I am so over having these relationship issues that I might lose friends because of this. I know they won't because they love me and are a huge part of my life, but god I want this heartache to stop and I don't want to keep talking about it, it's pathetic.

 

I am starting today. I can't chase anymore because it gets me nowhere. I even said it to him last night that neither one of us should be chasing, and hear I am doing the chasing...pathetic.

 

In all other aspects of my life, I am great. Son, work, family, friends home....its my love life that is crap. Always has been.

 

I also worry about what people think of me, the fact he called me crazy, bi-polar, nuts, etc has really hit me hard. I'm none of those, expect when it comes to relationships. Nobody ever wants to hear that, and now I've let him tarnish me. I shouldn't care but I do. Yes, my actions were nuts, nothing I can do now, the damage is done.

[hourglassangel]

Woman, oh how I feel you on the stupid pride and ego thing. I don't deal with rejection very well at all, either. I'm just not used to losing with guys. My entire life I've been sort of the "heartbreaker" sort of, for the most part.

 

I have had my heart broken 3 times. Though the last time I'm still recovering from. It's been over a year now. So far, it's the hardest RS to get over. It took me 4 years to get over the first time I got my heartbroken.

 

Anyway, I've gone off track. I don't think you're heart is broken at all. It definitely is your ego that's hurting. You just have to delete his contact info and resist the urge to get in touch with this guy. 6 weeks is a burb of time in a RS or in a period of dating someone. You are basically strangers. If you fell hard fast, I get it but remember...6 weeks. Even if the sex was the best sex you ever had...

 

You can't stalk the man anymore.

 

Thank you.....

 

No, I wasn't in love with him, I was getting used to the everyday conversations, texting and seeing each other. We only had sex twice, so it's not enough to say good or not good. It was too new for me to make any kind of decisions.

 

You are right, I became the biggest stalker around. Absolutely disgusted with my behaviors in the last few weeks. I tried to explain to him but he wanted nothing to do with it, saying maybe in the future we can try to be friends again, this was before I went off the deep end again last night and he blocked me.

 

What am I trying to prove? Like the other poster said, I need validation, but I'm looking in all the wrong places. I need to stay single and focus on me.

[Zahara]

If you feel you can't talk to your friends, then come here and vent. Someone will respond. I think it's all in your head because a few of my friends were with me till the end, through all the crying, moaning and repetitive yammering about the ex.

 

You care about what he's said because you have an emotional connection and anyone that means anything to us, to hear them speak negatively about us is hurtful. So, what you feel is normal but in time you will process it and let it go. For now, it's going to bother you but you just have to accept it is done and there is nothing you can do to change that. I will say that this man knows what he did and he knows you reacted stemming from his actions as well so while he may have called you all that, it's also coming from a place of anger (to hurt you) and to diminish you. Try not to take it too personally.

[hourglassangel]

If you feel you can't talk to your friends, then come here and vent. Someone will respond. I think it's all in your head because a few of my friends were with me till the end, through all the crying, moaning and repetitive yammering about the ex.

 

You care about what he's said because you have an emotional connection and anyone that means anything to us, to hear them speak negatively about us is hurtful. So, what you feel is normal but in time you will process it and let it go. For now, it's going to bother you but you just have to accept it is done and there is nothing you can do to change that. I will say that this man knows what he did and he knows you reacted stemming from his actions as well so while he may have called you all that, it's also coming from a place of anger (to hurt you) and to diminish you. Try not to take it too personally.

 

Thanks Zahara, you have really and truly opened my eyes. Your insight is so right on and always has been. I am going to do my best, I promise this to myself. I want to be happy, with or without a man in my life.

 

I agree that he knew what he was doing. Anything to hurt me at that point, and he did a damn good job, he got exactly what he wanted. I will get over this with time, I have no choice, or I will continue a life of torture in relationships.

[me85]

)= My love life has always been crap too.

 

We have 2 things in common...our huge egos and bad luck when it comes to love.

 

My ex called me bipolar, psycho, bitch...just all sorts of super sweet names like that.

 

I've done just what you did. I hated myself for it. IN FACT, just last night I stupidly emailed my ex (after telling him not to contact me anymore over the weekend) just to tell him I was "gaming and thinking" but for him not to respond. Well, he did. UGH I'm furious with myself! I was very drunk. My emotions are all over the place right now and not even because of my ex either.

 

See, I'm an idiot too sometimes.

 

Please keep coming here to vent. It will help you.

[hourglassangel]

)= My love life has always been crap too.

 

We have 2 things in common...our huge egos and bad luck when it comes to love.

 

My ex called me bipolar, psycho, bitch...just all sorts of super sweet names like that.

 

I've done just what you did. I hated myself for it. IN FACT, just last night I stupidly emailed my ex (after telling him not to contact me anymore over the weekend) just to tell him I was "gaming and thinking" but for him not to respond. Well, he did. UGH I'm furious with myself! I was very drunk. My emotions are all over the place right now and not even because of my ex either.

 

See, I'm an idiot too sometimes.

 

Please keep coming here to vent. It will help you.

 

At this point, I am just working on minute by minute, than hour by hour. I have given myself a migraine. I have turned my own stomach into a war zone, I made my own heart sink.

 

Yes, I thought I was "special".....I am, but not to him, or any other that I have dated recently. This world is so full of people who use and hurt, well I am not one of those. I actually have a conscience, so doing anything bad would make me feel bad. That is normal. I am honest, not mean honest, but honest to myself. I expect others to be just like that, perhaps I am just to sensitive, but I could never just go about hurting anyone on purpose.

 

God knows if someone called and texted me non stop to talk, I would do it, because at some point you are going to have to face the truth of the matter. Better to get it out than let is fester and make you sick.

 

3 weeks now, 3 weeks since we stopped talking. I spent about 5 of those days calling and texting nonstop, and 5 is way too much. I could kick myself for doing that. I would do anything to go back to that day, and change everything I did.....now I learned the lesson??? when I told myself I would never chase anyone and look what I did, who is the idiot? Not him, but me.

 

I've gotta pick myself up again, and just be me for a while. grrrrrrrrrr

[mtnbiker3000]

Yes, I am co-dependant. and God I wish I wasn't. I have had therapy for years, I am the quickest to offer advice, but why can't I see my own worth? My girlfriend told me that yesterday, that I don't value myself.

 

Because you've probably had years and years of conditioning that you have no worth or value, starting from a young age. Did you have critical parents. We're you told how you should do things or how you could have done it better? I am currently trying to work through a similar issue and its very tough and slow going. I was never supported in a loving way. Only criticized and chastised. Developed a pretty low opinion of myself and built it to a nice hot mess over the last three decades.

 

We look at life and how we fit in, through a very distorted lense. The trick is to smash that lense and replace it with the correct one. See things and ourselves for what they really are. Not for what someone else has taught us they are.

Edited September 5, 2014 by mtnbiker3000

[hourglassangel]

Because you've probably had years and years of conditioning that you have no worth or value, starting from a young age. Did you have critical parents. We're you told how you should do things or how you could have done it better? I am currently trying to work through a similar issue and its very tough and slow going. I was never supported in a loving way. Only criticized and chastised. Developed a pretty low opinion of myself and built it to a nice hot mess over the last three decades.

 

We look at life and how we fit in, through a very distorted lense. The trick is to smash that lense and replace it with the correct one. See things and ourselves for what they really are. Not for what someone else has taught us they are.

 

My father was a very narcissistic abusive and controlling man. He would make us do things over and over and over again until it was perfect, he was insane. My mother worries about what other people think, she was put down for years until her divorce, so yes, my upbringing was a bit insane.

 

I have become a hot mess. The woman almost 40, one child, never married turning bitter because of the choices she made. I want to smash the mirror when I look at it now, because I am emberrased at the reflection. I don't know who I am anymore.

[ThorntonMelon]

Hourglass - the good news is that your past only defines who you were. Tomorrow defines who you will be.

 

I'd PM you with thoughts but your profile is too new, but go easy on yourself. A woman who goes all in is very desirable, even if that particular gentleman didn't appreciate it.

[hourglassangel]

Hourglass - the good news is that your past only defines who you were. Tomorrow defines who you will be.

 

I'd PM you with thoughts but your profile is too new, but go easy on yourself. A woman who goes all in is very desirable, even if that particular gentleman didn't appreciate it.

 

Yes, I always thought a woman who goes all in is desirable, but it's not the case. In this case, I did something horrible to him, his words, only because I was going to give him space? Really? I thought that was the adult and mature way of doing things now...perhaps he is just immature and a coward. I will never know.

 

I won't let my past take over, what is done is done. Today was a fresh start for me, I need to be more positive about this whole situation.

[ThorntonMelon]

Whoa - it IS the case. You did nothing horrible. Sometimes we pick winners, sometimes losers. You're struggling emotionally. It's normal. But don't think your feelings right now are rational. They're purely emotional.