Third Roommate Syndrome - HELP - going crazy

[AlwaysHope]

so i've lived in this rather small two-bedroom apartment since last august with my roommate. she's a nice girl, we get alone fine, she helps with the bills, she's clean. no problems. EXCEPT she has this (gross) boyfriend whom she's been with for a few months, and he LITERALLY lives here now. staying over once in a while is fine (hey, my boyfriend stays on weekends, so i'm not going to totally ban men), but EVERY DAY, 24/7 is getting old. the apartment is just too small for three of us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(warning: venting): there is no hot water in the morning because HE takes showers here. there is always a sinkful of dirty dishes because there are THREE of us using them. i try to do my laundry and HIS clothes are in the washer/dryer. after she goes to bed, he stays up watching tv and hacking his nasty smoker's cough outside my bedroom door.

 

it's really creepy to come home from class, and she's not home but HE IS. every day i walk into MY home and see this guy sitting in his pajamas on the sofa, without her!!! i mean, seriously? does he have to be here every waking moment of his life? what is he doing here when she's not home? he should GO HOME, not sit on my couch and watch my tv and rummage through my kitchen cabinets.

 

right this second i want to take a nap and he's IN THERE COUGHING AND WATCHING TV. i've been really feisty with them lately just because they're getting on my nerves so much. i need to say something before i snap and yell a lot.

 

any advice on how to bring this up in the least confrontational manner possible? i HATE roommate problems, i've had SO MANY in the past. just wish this would solve itself, but considering he has his own shelf in the refridgerator i don't think that'll happen.

 

thanx.

[tiki]

 

OMG! He's there WITHOUT her????!!?!

 

That sucks!!!!

 

Talk to your roommate - quickly!

[EC]

OMG I SO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. Its was the "three" of us all the time. My bf would come on weekends. I finally couldnt take it anymore so really calmly one day I grabbed her and walked her around the apartment. I went to the washer/dryer..pointed and said I really wanted to wash my clothes today but your bfs clothes are in there..

 

Then I went to the kitchen with her and said I wanted a bowl of cereal today but the bowl is dirty and the cereal is gone..because your bf ate it....

 

Then I told her its cool that he comes over I don't care but you and I moved in here not you him and I. I told her I dont know how your going to do it but you need to tell him to come over less often or I will and you dont want me to do it.

 

She got the point, he comes over less often and he now replaces what he eats, and everything is fine and I have my apartment back.

[tiki]

EC

[GirlDown]

ugh, my roommate did the same thing to me with her boyfriend... that post is still floating around here somewhere...

 

the only way to stop it is to make it known that it bothers you.

 

see, the thing is, the offending roommate is aware that this behaviour is rude and that it is probably bothering you...but she figures she can keep it going for as long as you stay quiet about it. then she can say "oh i didn't realize it bothered you, i'm sorry, it'll change, i promise."

 

or she can get pissed off, which is not justified, but she will think it is...

 

call a roommate meeting. and tell her it makes you uncomfortable that he is there when she is not, and it needs to stop right now. tell her if he is going to continue to be there (even while she is there) he is going to have to start paying rent/bills too. why should he get free use of your laundry machines and refrigerator, water, etc.? eff that. not to mention electricity, heat, space...furniture......dishes.....air

 

er, it's bringing my situation back to me again!!! i completely feel your pain!

 

seriously, do something about it. it's not worth your angst...i spent so much energy being annoyed and angry about this stuff, and the only one who knew it was me.

 

tell her. don't ask her....tell her it's ending now. and if she tires to pull the "I pay to live here, so i can do what i want" thing, remind her that you pay to live there too...and that while there are 2 people in the house doing whatever they want, YOU are not one of those two. it certainly does not work that way.

 

and if she does get mad, maybe they can spend the time at his place...i mean, he isn't homeless is he? jeez.

[greeneyedgirl23]

I think you should talk to your roomate. I have had annoying roomate situations in the past and the best thing to do is to be honest. Let her know that you like him and all, but if he is there all the time and taking over parts of your home, he needs to pay 1/3 of the bills.

 

not even that, let her know that the two of you are living there, and that you didnt want to live with two other roomates or else youwould have considered 3 bedrooms and another roomate. Just be up front with her. Its NOT fair for him to make you feel uncomfortable in YOUR HOME!

 

Good Luck!

[AlwaysHope]

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZINGLY HORRIBLE. it's been a while since i updated this post, but it's me again, venting about the roommate and her boyfriend.

 

i talked to the girl twice, once nicely, once more firmly. i said, "your boyfriend doesn't need to be here hanging out when you're not home." last conversation with her happened a week and a half ago.

 

today i come home from class and guess who's here? this guy. he's in her room, doing his homework. is she here? nope. so i decide that since i've had two discussions with HER about it, i have a right to mention it to HIM. after all, this is my house, right? so i thought, but APPARENTLY i was WRONG.

 

i knock on the door, and say, "jessica?" the door opens, and he says, "she's not here." so we small talk for a few minutes, and then i ask, "by the way, did she ever have a conversation with you about not hanging around here when she's not home?" and he says that yes, she told him that. so i ask him why he's here. he says he's writing a paper, and i ask him if there's some reason he can't do that at home.

 

anyways, what started as an almost JOKING comment towards him ended up in a screaming match between the two of us. this a**h*** has the nerve to tell me that it's "none of my business" if he's there or not. well, guess what, loser, it IS my f-ing business because i pay MORE THAN HALF of the rent in this apartment and MY NAME is on the lease, NOT YOURS. so i - calmly, in my opinion - tell him these things. he asks what he does that makes me so uncomfortable. i say that him spending so much time in general here makes me uncomfortable, because i don't want to live with three people. luckily my own boyfriend showed up and i had an excuse to end the conversation, but he concluded by saying he wasn't going to come here anymore. fine! that's great!

 

tonight rolls around, and i'm on my way out to the library but i have a talk with the roomie about what happened. i tell her that i didn't intend to start a fight with her boyfriend, but he got offended when i questioned his presence here. i explained to her that he was out of line, that he was rude to me in my own house, and that he needs to a) spend less time here and b) watch how he treats women in their own homes. she agreed with me.

 

it's 2:15 in the freaking morning and i just came home from studying. i have an Email in my box from my roommate. it's HUGE. she basically says "sorry i didn't tell you this when we talked earlier, i'm totally non-confrontational, but i think YOU'RE wrong and you owe my boyfriend an apology." she says, the only way things "can be alright again" is if i APOLOGIZE to this guy and TELL HIM IT'S OKAY WITH ME THAT HE SPEND NIGHTS HERE. unfortunately, that's not going to happen. she opens this letter with "you know i love you both, but i believe him over anything and anyone else." that should give you an idea of what i'm working with here.

 

this guy is such a dick. if i were in his shoes, i wouldn't have enough apologies for the person whose life i was disrupting. if i were constantly at MY boyfriend's place and his roommate confronted me about it, i would feel AWFUL!! i would definitely not get in someone's face in their own house.

 

am i wrong? do i have ANY RIGHT at all to privacy? if two conversations with her don't do anything about the problem, do i not have any right to talk to this guy? i am paying more rent here than she is because my bathroom is a little bigger. my name is on the lease, not her boyfriend's. if i'm uncomfortable in my own home, can't i say something about it? is it fair for ME to apologize to HIM? i seriously doubt it. he was rude to me in my own house and told me that i couldn't control what he did. if i can't control what happens in my own place, what's left to control?!?!!

 

should i just forget all of it and move out? it's absolutely disgusting. i've been a passive person all my life and i HATE fights. it was the hardest thing to talk to her, much less approach the guy about it. i'm starting professional school in the fall and don't have time for this.

[Debster]

Your roomate is a weenie.

 

Tell her that if that is the way she see's it, you'll consider this as her giving you two months notice.

If it is only your name on the lease, it is your apartment.

If both names are on the lease, give her your notice.

[Lolly]

Originally posted by Debster

Your roomate is a weenie.

 

Tell her that if that is the way she see's it, you'll consider this as her giving you two months notice.

If it is only your name on the lease, it is your apartment.

If both names are on the lease, give her your notice.

[Lolly]

Originally posted by Debster

Your roomate is a weenie.

 

Tell her that if that is the way she see's it, you'll consider this as her giving you two months notice.

If it is only your name on the lease, it is your apartment.

If both names are on the lease, give her your notice.

 

 

inform your landlord that your roommate has someone else living there and you do not agree with it. landlords do not allow this, and they will take a proper course of action, either making him pay rent or informing your roommate that this is not permitted. she may argue that he is not living there to get her way, but he is spending every night there and if he is entering when no one else is home, and being there alone, or being there when the person is "visiting" is not there, this indicates his living there.

 

it might mean one of you moving, but that this point it doens't sound like it will ever go back to being a pleasant living situation anyway, so maybe that's best.

[oops]

it seems that you sublet the apartment, if you have your landlord's permmission to do so, you can tell her that she has violated the lease agreement, and you can do anything you like to kick her out.

 

if there was no legal sublet/lease agreement between you and her, and she does pay the bill, you'd better come up with some tactics to deal with her, otherwise, you will get yourself lots trouble since u r not protected by law.