Marriage, Im afraid I made a mistake....

[Bmarley]

I thought there were issues sexually in my relationship from the very first month of being sexually intimate. She would stop intercourse right before having an orgasm to prevent it from happening, she didn’t want to French kiss, she was resistant to oral sex (either on me or her), following sex she would always sleep with her back turned towards me, there was resistance to any form of lingerie. The frequency in the beginning was roughly 3 times a week. However each time would be initiated by me and always started with some degree of rejection on her part. I wasn’t sure if she liked the attention of my begging or if she just wasn’t engaged. When I asked about prior partners she said she loved sex and had it very frequently in other relationships. I wondered if there was a lack of attraction towards me, maybe I was doing something wrong? Because why did she seem so frigid with me but so adventurous with exes. In addition to this there was a lack of non-sex intimacy. I mean cuddling, kissing, public displays of affection, general flirtatious behavior it was not something that she did and freely admitted it to me. I can’t say I wasn’t warned. I confronted her and the response was that she gained weight. My reply was that I never noticed and she looked fine to me. I never gave her reason to feel insecure. My response to her was well Lets solve this problem as a couple. We can join a gym together, we can go for walks in the park, we can diet together, we can exercise together. Since this weight is the issue for insecurity I wanted to help her with it. My responses were met with no’s. Apparently to her by me making these offers I was validating her weight gain. I was confused. Gradually I stopped begging for sex. Eventually the thought of begging was ruining my sex drive. I didn’t want to feel like a chore. I stopped asking to help with her weight loss, I stopped asking for lingerie, and I stopped expecting hugs, kissing, cuddling, etc. that wasn’t who she was. Sex turned to about 1-2 times a month.

 

I considered leaving within the first year and my answer was that maybe that would make me superficial and an ass to leave an otherwise good relationship because of Sex. In hindsight this was a mistake.

 

I gladly made sacrifices to spend time with her. I sought out activities to do together. However she has a personality trait of being both stubborn and close-minded. She is resistant to new ideas, events, or activities and despite my efforts or reasoning or persistence it takes a large amount of effort to change her thinking. For me who enjoys new things this lead to me doing many things on my own. I grew tired of also begging her to spend time with me. I started feeling lonely in my relationship

 

Early on I presented my life as an open book. I invited her to every function by family or friends. Most of these she declined for one reason or another. What I didn’t understand was her lack of invitation towards me. I would find out about functions and parties after the fact. In one instance, I only found out about a work party once she was tagged in pics on Facebook .Was she cheating? Maybe she is embarrassed of me? Maybe there is an ex at work or someone she is interested in? I tried instead to believe that she is a closed person and that instead it just takes effort to prove worthiness to enter that closed space. The issue though is the effort was never reciprocated. She never took an active role in entering my world of family and friends.

 

I have made myself available in every way I can. I’ve never denied any request. In her own words “ You never say no to me” She had her own set of keys to my car and apartment. When we decided to move in together I moved to her place because she was 5 blocks from her job. I would gladly commute. So that she can stay at a job she liked and enjoyed. I sold whatever possessions I had that couldn’t fit in her Manhattan apartment. My commute was an hour and a half. At the most, it could be up to 2hrs in traffic after work. I never complained.

 

Now there were issues in our relationship. But I felt I found someone the person who said love is blind spoke no truer words. Because you gladly overlook issues and turn you head. That is what I did. I was getting older my friends were getting married; I wanted to have kids I am pushing into my late 30’s. It was time to grow up officially I though. So I proposed and she accepted. I bought her a $12,000 ring around the same time I purchase a new car because frankly the commute wore out the old one. We decided to elope just the two of us. I will get back to this

 

I earn a very good six figure living with a massive amount of school loans. She has a good job with a six-figure income. On our first date she refused to have me pay for her. On every subsequent date She wanted it split 50/50. I agreed but I didn’t care I didn’t keep tabs if she wanted my credit card I gave it to her I placed no restrictions. Times I would take out my card or offer to pay she would decline and say no that’s fine I got it. Now communication is the other major issue. Because another personality problem is the fact that she agrees to things or goes along with things that she doesn’t like and holds it in without saying a word. The result is on some random day for no particular reason it explodes. Always becoming a shock to me with the response always being “ well why didn’t you tell me? “Why didn’t you say something?” It leads to arguments where I feel ambushed, attacked, and unfairly treated. Sometimes I feel like she sets me up for an argument. I’m never given the option to say the wrong ting because she gets upset before even asking the question. In one such argument roughly 4 months after marriage She tells me how dare I force her to spend half on everything (please remember details above), How dare I not offer to pay for the entire honeymoon and wedding dress, and from now on I should be paying 75% of everything. Now at the time I would not have been able to afford that after paying cash for the engagement ring, getting a new car, the commute and maintained of a car in NYC cost a small fortune, as well as high expenses for exams required for my job totaling in the thousands. I felt like in a relationship where I have given 100% of me, in her own words “I never say no”, and if asked I would have given whatever I was able to give without complaint. So then why would she think or say such a thing? Her response was that I should have known to do that without her having to say anything.

 

I’ve felt the expectation of me in the relationship has gotten to the point of impossible while she can maintains a laziness with minimal effort on her part while demanding the maximum from me. It has left me feeling defeated, tired, and burnt out. I am tired of sacrificing. I am contemplating a divorce. What would you do?

[Ronni_W]

I’ve felt the expectation of me in the relationship has gotten to the point of impossible while she can maintains a laziness with minimal effort on her part while demanding the maximum from me. It has left me feeling defeated, tired, and burnt out. I am tired of sacrificing. I am contemplating a divorce. What would you do?

Me? I would RUN as fast as I can to a divorce attorney's office.

 

It isn't even about what she is or is not doing, or who she is or is not as a human being.

 

Your feelings of resentment, anger, disappointment/bitterness are deep, very deep. (At least, that's how it comes across to me.) Those usually only get worse, much worse.

 

I would get out with as much self-respect, dignity...and ability/capacity to trust and love in the future...as I can. Meaning, getting out much sooner than anytime later.

[CarrieT]

I would see a lawyer and file for divorce immediately

[slizl]

I would start by complimenting her. Everyone loves compliments and maybe that would make her feel better about her body and make her want to have sex with you more. I would also suggest that you see a councelor and try to work out your communication issues. You guys both have great jobs and life should be easy and enjoyable, but it isn't right now. Councelor and compliments is what I woudl suggest Good luck!

[Lovelike]

I suggest you both see a MC to get to the root of your issues. The intimacy problem sounds a lot like my relationship in the beginning. I later learned that she had been abused as a child and because of that feared intimacy. We learned in counseling that a lot of our issues (poor communication, lack of trust, lack of intimacy) was all deeply rooted from her experience. I'm not saying your relationship is the same but you should explore MC to see if there are issues with her before you leap to divorce.

[Castlemate]

I agree with the previous posters, if she is willing I would see a marriage counselor. How long have you been married?

 

After you told her how you felt, how has she responded? Does she still not make any effort? Does she want a divorce?

 

I would divorce her if she showed no willingness to change but if she agreed to marriage counseling and was actively taking steps to improve I would work on the marriage.

[oldshirt]

What was it about her that warranted a 4th date?

[Rapid]

What was it about her that warranted a 4th date?

 

That's what I'm thinking.

 

There must be something redeeming about this woman for you to have stayed in this relationship. As I see it, one of two things is occurring

 

1) She's a narcissist and therefore will never change.

 

2) or you're so deep in your anger and resentment that you can't see anything positive about this person.

 

It sounds like you let your issues with her continue throughout the relationship and now you're so resentful that you're placing blame on her for things you let happen. Understand that your resentment is anger with yourself, however you're misdirecting that anger at her because you feel you were wronged.

 

Once you resolve yourself to taking responsibility in the role you played in the relationship you'll realize your resentment isn't serving any useful purpose.

 

You make no mention about how she feels about being in the marriage. Is she as unhappy as you? Does she realize her lack of effort and is she doing anything about it? If she's interested in working on the marriage I would pursue MC to identify the cause of your issues. Only then will she realize how her behavior is threatening your marriage and can then make the long term changes necessary to save it.

 

FYI, the first paragraph of your post is quite telling. Definitely see someone before making a decision about divorce.

[Tayken]

OP.....the moment you start thinking about it, is the time to start proceedings. It is not going to get better, and nothing is going to change if those feelings are already there. What you don't want is dragging this out to a point where it becomes a long term relationship, and end up costing you indefinite payments in alimony (if it applies to your case)

 

Get it over with pronto, and it's always good to be the first person to serve the other party..

 

Good luck

[Fearful]

Op. Sorry for what you are going through. If what you presented here is truely true, then your wife has zero interest in you and your marriage. Only her knows the reason why she is still in the marriage. She doesn't want any form of connection with you, your friends or family. She has completely checked out of your life. On your part, you have give in too much to her needs and neglecting your own needs and loosing your voice in the process. People adviced MC but if she is already cheating on you, nothing good will ever come out of MC. Go into investigation mood and find out if cheating is involved. If she is currently cheating or have cheated, quitely gathered evidence and file for divorce. If she has not cheated or is not cheating then consider MC and other marriage rebuilding measures if she is willing to invest in the repairs of the marriage. If however she is unwillingly to commit to MC or develop cold feet in the process quickly file for divorce and never look back.