First Fight

[ThorntonMelon]

Scarlet - everyone here is being so nice and gentle with you, I think I am going to push a little harder.

 

This isn't about pursuer/distancer, or any personality conflict.

 

You are a side piece for him. A quick fix.

 

You keep acting like you're together, and you're frustrating the hell out of him because he isn't looking for what you want.

 

Guess what - you're learning affairs don't work for you! That's a good thing.

 

It is frustrating to see someone think there is some personality disorder behind his actions. There's nothing besides a guy who wants to get his rocks off without any impact on his real life. You are not his real life in any way and he will make sure you know that, again, and again.

[Sub]

Please, please, take some of your power back, this relationship is getting too toxic, you're not happy most of the time and an A shouldn't be like this.

Any healthy relationship shouldn't be like this. Not sure what an A "should" be like, but I think OP should know that there are other options for her besides being the OW to a MM.

[Scarlet2]

I realize it stopped being fun for him due to my behavior but my behavior was caused by it not being fun for me anymore when I wasn't receiving what he agreed to do when we made the agreement.

 

Even as a side piece, how could he think he could just come back and forth willy nilly and that I would happily greet him like he never left if he wasn't putting forth effort to keep me happy and interested. You have to keep some kind of connection during the absences. This isn't like he's deployed and we pick up where we left off. There's no absolute, you still have to work to keep it.

 

And excuse me for feeling like I am worth having around. All of this doesn't matter anymore. If he doesn't want me around then his wish is granted. Good luck finding another OW because they're going to want the same attentiveness that I wanted, if not more, and more than likely they'll end up telling his wife.

[DKT3]

I realize it stopped being fun for him due to my behavior but my behavior was caused by it not being fun for me anymore when I wasn't receiving what he agreed to do when we made the agreement. Clearly he isn't a man of his word, he is after all married and not holding his agreement to his wife

 

Even as a side piece, how could he think he could just come back and forth willy nilly and that I would happily greet him like he never left if he wasn't putting forth effort to keep me happy and interested. You have to keep some kind of connection during the absences. This isn't like he's deployed and we pick up where we left off. There's no absolute, you still have to work to keep it. He thinks it because you allow it, people can only treat you as poorly as you allow them to

 

And excuse me for feeling like I am worth having around. All of this doesn't matter anymore. If he doesn't want me around then his wish is granted. Good luck finding another OW because they're going to want the same attentiveness that I wanted, if not more, and more than likely they'll end up telling his wife.

 

You know he is married, so in a way you've agreed to take whatever he decides to give you. Here is the thing, the MM/MW don't normally change. For them the OM/OW is a quick pick me up, escape or ego boost. Most of the time that is where they want to keep the OM/OW. When you step out of the role there will be blow back. You have become more demanding, he is letting you know your role or place in his life. Sadly, I feel he will sweet talk you right back into your place. His dirty little secret that is there for his pleasure when "HE" desires. Is that enough for you? We all know your answer. Its time for you to get strong and dump his selfish AZZ. Every second you spend on him is a day you spend without having the right guy in your life.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Scarlet, you should re-read this thread in its entirety to watch your rapid progression from "I'm angry at his immature behavior" to "it's all my fault, I'm such a terrible person". You aren't a terrible person; you're obviously as sweet as they come, but you're also a master at making excuses for this dipwad. The fact that he's taken is your catch-all excuse for all of his crummy treatment. He has a wife, he doesn't have to call me! He's married, he can't possibly see me more than once a month! Meanwhile, the things that you can't possibly blame on his relationship status are apparently YOUR fault.

 

I get that he's told you some nice things every now and again, but words are just words. Anyone can say anything without meaning it. You have to be aware that this guy thinks he holds all the power; he has his nice wife and his side piece and he will do whatever it takes to keep the balance. If he senses you're pulling too far away, he'll say whatever he needs to say to keep you on the line. But his words aren't matching his actions, so you're heartbroken and confused.

 

Remember this: the imbalance of power and inherent deception built into relationship means that you cannot take him at his word. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. If he wanted to divorce his wife tomorrow and jump into your arms, he would. Hell, if he wanted to send you a let's-make-up text like a decent human being, he would. He hasn't. What do you think that means?

 

You deserve so much better than this. I know you deserve so much better than this. And I think the quote in your signature is terribly self-defeating. You can absolutely choose to love who you love. While there's no explaining why the heart wants what it wants, you can make decisions with your rational mind that will spare you heartbreak. You can actively choose to seek people who are good for you, and only look for love in places that you know will be healthy. Moreover, what you describe---your obsession with this man, who tells you whatever he thinks you need to hear before he drops off the face of the earth for a bit---isn't love. It's addiction. You can break it if you try.

[Scarlet2]

Well now I feel even more terrible and guilty... My MM is the first to admit that he purposely doesn't tell me what goes on in his life when he's away from me. I assume to not burden me or see how rough his household is. And I don't ask because it's not my business and I figure if he wants me to know he'll tell me. But the problem with that is I always feel his actions have something to do with me because I don't have anything else to tell me differently. Maybe I am a little too self centered in that regard. And he wishes I'd be more understanding without explanation but it's hard to do without being given a reason why. It's like if you tell me you killed someone, I'm only going to have compassion depending on the reason, it doesn't come automatically...

 

Anyway, I don't know if our fight transferred onto his family or their ongoing conflicts transferred onto me when he yelled at me but I found out they had to commit his son for evaluation over the weekend because his son was about to jump off a parking garage to end his life :-/ all this mental anguish going on, and I got sucked into too, it's a mess...

 

Is it really true that he's not as invested as much as me as others have posted, or is he shielding me from the fallout of his family exploding... There were signs that there was trouble when he initiated the A which is why I thought it might have been an exit at the time... All I know is I'm continuing to keep quiet, I'm not going to add to his plate. If he needs me, I'll be there for him, but sex isn't going to solve the problem.

[2sunny]

Well now I feel even more terrible and guilty... My MM is the first to admit that he purposely doesn't tell me what goes on in his life when he's away from me. I assume to not burden me or see how rough his household is. And I don't ask because it's not my business and I figure if he wants me to know he'll tell me. But the problem with that is I always feel his actions have something to do with me because I don't have anything else to tell me differently. Maybe I am a little too self centered in that regard. And he wishes I'd be more understanding without explanation but it's hard to do without being given a reason why. It's like if you tell me you killed someone, I'm only going to have compassion depending on the reason, it doesn't come automatically...

 

Anyway, I don't know if our fight transferred onto his family or their ongoing conflicts transferred onto me when he yelled at me but I found out they had to commit his son for evaluation over the weekend because his son was about to jump off a parking garage to end his life :-/ all this mental anguish going on, and I got sucked into too, it's a mess...

 

Is it really true that he's not as invested as much as me as others have posted, or is he shielding me from the fallout of his family exploding... There were signs that there was trouble when he initiated the A which is why I thought it might have been an exit at the time... All I know is I'm continuing to keep quiet, I'm not going to add to his plate. If he needs me, I'll be there for him, but sex isn't going to solve the problem.

 

It's really not about you.

 

You are the outsider.

 

Even though you are the outsider - there's not one reason to allow any man to speak to you that way.

 

My suggestion is don't ever speak with him again.

 

He's got his own crap to deal with - but he sure showed you he's not nice under stress.

 

No reason he needed to make you the target of his anger.

 

And your last comment about sex won't solve this problem - Scarlet - sex isn't the answer to any problem.

 

And it's not YOURS to fix.

 

Give that man space - like...forevah!

[Scarlet2]

I've been doing pretty good not texting or calling him. It seems to help to keep telling myself he's never going to be mine so stop being attached to him, stop thinking about him. It also helps that he's never been active in texting or calling me since it was usually always me and he hasn't started now so that's something I'm not having to deal with like others might.

 

However, I ran into him yesterday after I haven't physically seen him in three weeks and he said he'd get with me. I shrugged it off like it didn't mean anything but then later in the conversation, he said it again and I was like "get with me about what?" It can mean different things. Does he want to talk about the fight? Does he want to talk about ending it? Does he want sex? Instead of answering he said "well don't worry about it then"

 

I ran into him again today, he didn't bring anything up about yesterday but something happened that surprised me. Someone tried to be funny by making a fat comment to him and before I knew what happened, I told the person to shut up. It shocked them too because they looked like I slapped them. His whole family makes fun of his weight, including his wife, I know it hurts his feelings, and here I am being over protective of someone who isn't even mine...what is wrong with me...

[2sunny]

Stop "running into him"!

 

He isn't offering you anything!

 

And you should have responded with "NO, I don't want a man who is married"!

 

And that should be enough for him to understand it clearly!

 

Why didn't YOU stand up FOR YOURSELF?

 

IF you aren't willing to look out for YOUR best interest - who's going to? It certainly won't be the MM!

[jellybean89]

Scarlet,

 

by continuing to talk to him, 'stand up for him', etc you have given him the go ahead to treat you poorly....he knows no matter how crappy he talks to you/treats you, you will be right there ready for more.

 

Stand up for yourself. Stop dreaming that you are going to have this future with him. Stop allowing him to be your focus. Stop letting him treat you like crap.

 

For your own sanity, you must move on. I hope you can do that