I want an apology

[makeithappen]

Hello all,

 

 

I thought I would be upset and struggling after moving out. I thought I would miss home. I thought I would be regretting my decision.

 

A few months later, and I realise that despite the lows, I prefer being on my own. Being away has given me more perspective on the situation, and made me accept that my family was abusive after all. It was not my fault.

 

I feel empty though. If someone asked me if I am sad or happy at having left, I would not know what to say. I have been crying a lot, remembering some painful memories. I wish I could be given an apology from them. I need to be shown this respect. Alas, nobody has tried to contact me. I need my feelings to be validated, and a recognition on their part that they caused me a lot of pain and sadness.

 

No one ever apologised to me. I was always encouraged to overlook what was done to me. One day, my younger brother had used my debit card to pay for online games, without my knowledge. He was caught, but never made to apologise to me. He was told off, of course, but that's different. So when I insulted him and called him a thief a while later, he got mad and stopped talking to me. My mum still reminds me that I 'injured' his feelings because I should not have insulted him. Never did it occur to her that I was hurt as well by her unwillingness to make him apologise.

yet, some people were always given an apology when they were wronged. I was always enouraged to apologise to my older siblings. Eventually, I became less and less respected, and hurting me became normalised, as my parents never put boundaries. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about this. I deserve an apology for all the suffering and trauma they caused me. I want an apology.

[DazedandConfused8]

Hello all,

 

 

I thought I would be upset and struggling after moving out. I thought I would miss home. I thought I would be regretting my decision.

 

A few months later, and I realise that despite the lows, I prefer being on my own. Being away has given me more perspective on the situation, and made me accept that my family was abusive after all. It was not my fault.

 

I feel empty though. If someone asked me if I am sad or happy at having left, I would not know what to say. I have been crying a lot, remembering some painful memories. I wish I could be given an apology from them. I need to be shown this respect. Alas, nobody has tried to contact me. I need my feelings to be validated, and a recognition on their part that they caused me a lot of pain and sadness.

 

No one ever apologised to me. I was always encouraged to overlook what was done to me. One day, my younger brother had used my debit card to pay for online games, without my knowledge. He was caught, but never made to apologise to me. He was told off, of course, but that's different. So when I insulted him and called him a thief a while later, he got mad and stopped talking to me. My mum still reminds me that I 'injured' his feelings because I should not have insulted him. Never did it occur to her that I was hurt as well by her unwillingness to make him apologise.

yet, some people were always given an apology when they were wronged. I was always enouraged to apologise to my older siblings. Eventually, I became less and less respected, and hurting me became normalised, as my parents never put boundaries. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about this. I deserve an apology for all the suffering and trauma they caused me. I want an apology.

 

So you want an apology from your mom because she took your brother's side when he committed theft? Is that what this comes down to?

[makeithappen]

So you want an apology from your mom because she took your brother's side when he committed theft? Is that what this comes down to?

 

No, this was one example. The point is, I just want them to apologise for the trauma they caused me more generally, and the pain. I was constantly wronged (false accusations, lack of credibility for no reason, insults, etc...), and no one ever apologised. Nor are they showing any willingess to do so.

 

By the way, ifelt you were ridiculing my post, and I did not like it. I had given just the most memorable example of being denied an apology.

[Tayla]

I mean this kindly..... Accept my apology and that of others who have caused heartache in your life. Does that help?

 

Even if they never say it, forgive yourself....that is where the real hurt is emulating from. Yes they were catalyst yet ultimately we must forgive ourselves for believeing the hurtfull things or the abuse...We have to move beyond that..

[ASG]

Is there a counsellor you can talk to in your school? To help you deal with these feelings?

 

I think they are justified, but there is not much point in dwelling in them, if your family isn't willing to see their errors. So it's upon you to move on and have a better life, without their judgement. Sometimes that requires the help of others.

[makeithappen]

I mean this kindly..... Accept my apology and that of others who have caused heartache in your life. Does that help?

 

Even if they never say it, forgive yourself....that is where the real hurt is emulating from. Yes they were catalyst yet ultimately we must forgive ourselves for believeing the hurtfull things or the abuse...We have to move beyond that..

 

 

Thanks, I appreciate your offer of help. But really, I want an apology from them. For so long, I've had my feelings denied by my family. I was never worthy of an apology, of having my complaints taken seriously. I had to accept things as they were and move on. I was undeserving of respect. I want them to respect me. I have this anger all inside me, and it makes me cry. Will they ever respect me and my feelings? I feel like I cannot move on unless I get an apology from them.

[Ronni_W]

When you say that you need your feelings validated...do you mean that you need someone else to confirm for you what you already know inside to be true and accurate and valid accounts of your experiences?

 

At the end of the day, you do know...and, at the end of the day, that is all that matters. You have the power and authority to validate all your own experiences, feelings, perceptions...and no one can take any of that away from you. (If you give them the power to validate, then you are equally giving them the power to invalidate which, IMO, you'd be unwise to do.)

 

Yes, it would be nice to have people who are emotionally intelligent and aware, and who can take proper responsibility for their own hurtful behaviour and negative impact on us.

 

But it doesn't sound like you have those kinds of people. Neither did/do I. It's our choice, decision then, if we are going to expect emotional intelligence (personal responsibility, kindness, caring, compassion, ability/willingness to apologize) from emotionally unintelligent people.

 

I did that for many, many years...until I realized how futile and insane was my "mission" to get them to realize and accept and admit all their crap. On top of that, I had to accept that, once I got to a certain age, *I* had let them get away with a lot of it...I really didn't have very clear boundaries of my own.

 

You did not deserve what they put you through. It might have to be enough for you to just know that. You do want an apology, I get that. But from where I'm sitting (including after a fair amount of therapy), nobody is actually "owed" an apology for anything...even though it would be nice to get one. If that makes sense?

 

I'm sorry for your lack of positive stuff with your family of origin. I'm wishing you the best that you will transform that into being a super-empowered, loving, wise, compassionate adult.

 

Hugs.

[makeithappen]

Is there a counsellor you can talk to in your school? To help you deal with these feelings?

 

I think they are justified, but there is not much point in dwelling in them, if your family isn't willing to see their errors. So it's upon you to move on and have a better life, without their judgement. Sometimes that requires the help of others.

 

 

I think I really need to talk to a counsellor about this. I constantly think about it. I am angry at their lack of care/respect for me. It means so much for me to be respected and listened to. I was denied this by my family, and it scares me that I will never get this. :'(

[todreaminblue]

Thanks, I appreciate your offer of help. But really, I want an apology from them. For so long, I've had my feelings denied by my family. I was never worthy of an apology, of having my complaints taken seriously. I had to accept things as they were and move on. I was undeserving of respect. I want them to respect me. I have this anger all inside me, and it makes me cry. Will they ever respect me and my feelings? I feel like I cannot move on unless I get an apology from them.

 

do you feel that you have unconditional love for your family?.....do you love them in spite of what they do.......

[ASG]

I think I really need to talk to a counsellor about this. I constantly think about it. I am angry at their lack of care/respect for me. It means so much for me to be respected and listened to. I was denied this by my family, and it scares me that I will never get this. :'(

 

Maybe you won't, but you need to find a way to cope with these feelings. Do go and speak to someone. They'll offer some insight and maybe some tools you can use to start healing and moving on.

 

And maybe one day you can confront them about it. But right now, you need to be able to deal. And I don't think you're dealing very well, if you've been constantly crying. So please, talk to your school and see if there is someone you can talk to!

[makeithappen]

When you say that you need your feelings validated...do you mean that you need someone else to confirm for you what you already know inside to be true and accurate and valid accounts of your experiences?

 

At the end of the day, you do know...and, at the end of the day, that is all that matters. You have the power and authority to validate all your own experiences, feelings, perceptions...and no one can take any of that away from you. (If you give them the power to validate, then you are equally giving them the power to invalidate which, IMO, you'd be unwise to do.)

 

Yes, it would be nice to have people who are emotionally intelligent and aware, and who can take proper responsibility for their own hurtful behaviour and negative impact on us.

 

But it doesn't sound like you have those kinds of people. Neither did/do I. It's our choice, decision then, if we are going to expect emotional intelligence (personal responsibility, kindness, caring, compassion, ability/willingness to apologize) from emotionally unintelligent people.

 

I did that for many, many years...until I realized how futile and insane was my "mission" to get them to realize and accept and admit all their crap. On top of that, I had to accept that, once I got to a certain age, *I* had let them get away with a lot of it...I really didn't have very clear boundaries of my own.

 

You did not deserve what they put you through. It might have to be enough for you to just know that. You do want an apology, I get that. But from where I'm sitting (including after a fair amount of therapy), nobody is actually "owed" an apology for anything...even though it would be nice to get one. If that makes sense?

 

I'm sorry for your lack of positive stuff with your family of origin. I'm wishing you the best that you will transform that into being a super-empowered, loving, wise, compassionate adult.

 

Hugs.

 

 

Thank you for your understanding. I have been obssessing over this need for an apology. I just want them to reflect on what they did and accept the truth I have come to accept only now: that they were abusive. I feel like I have been stripped of my humanity, by having to put up with all this crap. I don;t understand why I have become obstinate in getting an apology, but I have. I am a human being worthy of an apology as they put me through a lot, and even today I still cry when I reflect back on our relationship.

[makeithappen]

do you feel that you have unconditional love for your family?.....do you love them in spite of what they do.......

Right now I have so much hatred for them. I do not love them. I resent them. I am angry at having them as my family.

[makeithappen]

Maybe you won't, but you need to find a way to cope with these feelings. Do go and speak to someone. They'll offer some insight and maybe some tools you can use to start healing and moving on.

 

And maybe one day you can confront them about it. But right now, you need to be able to deal. And I don't think you're dealing very well, if you've been constantly crying. So please, talk to your school and see if there is someone you can talk to!

 

 

Yes, I will talk. I cry not because of my situation. I am much more happy now. But because of memories that resurface. I feel trapped in the past.

[makeithappen]

Sorry if this post sounds more lie a rant than anything else. I feel like no one understands my urge for an apology. Even I don't get it myself.

[ASG]

Yes, I will talk. I cry not because of my situation. I am much more happy now. But because of memories that resurface. I feel trapped in the past.

 

You're full of anger and resentment. Which is understandable. But it is ultimately not healthy.

 

I hope you find some peace soon.

 

My step brother confronted his mother on what he perceives as years of emotional abuse. She didn't understand where he was coming from, at all, and if anything their relationship deteriorated a little bit more after that. And more than likely, neither will your family. So you need to make peace with it on your own.

[makeithappen]

You're full of anger and resentment. Which is understandable. But it is ultimately not healthy.

 

I hope you find some peace soon.

 

My step brother confronted his mother on what he perceives as years of emotional abuse. She didn't understand where he was coming from, at all, and if anything their relationship deteriorated a little bit more after that. And more than likely, neither will your family. So you need to make peace with it on your own.

 

 

I know it's not healthy. I know they will probably never understand. I think to find a way to move on. I will book a session with a counsellor at my uni.

[todreaminblue]

Right now I have so much hatred for them. I do not love them. I resent them. I am angry at having them as my family.

 

so why do you need an apology from people you dont respect or love?

 

you hold onto that hatred and that bitterness the only thing you are going to change is you......you cant change peoples hearts by hating them .....you cant make them see what is wrong when you disrespect them as much as they disrespect you...how to get people to see they have you hurt you is by loving them regardless of what they do or say to you as you wish to be treated...so you must do..unconditional love is hard, it isnt easy....but true unconditional love isnt an easy thing or was ever meant to be easy ....

 

 

 

its easy to love someone when they are good and kind and they apologise ...what is true for personal growth on you in particular ..take it as a personal challenge to better who you are as a person..is loving them when they arent so good and kind and apologetic....dont hold on to hate....its a dark place......let go....love them always..then the change you see will not only be in you ...but in all those who respond to your care and compassion ..deb

[Ronni_W]

I feel like no one understands my urge for an apology. Even I don't get it myself.

It doesn't sound like a "rant" at all.

 

It's natural to want an acknowledgement from them that you are a human being and as such deserved to be nurtured, loved, comforted, cared for...in the same ways as they appeared to do for your brother.

 

You had needs and expectations that they did not meet, and feelings that they ignored, trampled over, didn't care about.

 

It's an uphill battle to get uncaring or abusive people to see and accept that they are uncaring or abusive. Which they would have to do first, BEFORE they can get anywhere close to seeing any need for them to apologize for anything.

It's this uphill battle that will make it even harder on you...and really most likely won't make an iota of difference on them.

 

Maybe...read-up a bit on narcissism. It doesn't mean that your family is that, but it will help you get some idea of some of the types of (inaccurate, wrong, delusional) things running around in their own heads.

 

You probably already know that how they treated you is about them and not about you, your worth, your deservingness. You are worthy and deserving of being treated with kindness, respect and in ways that support and inspire you.

 

Now, that is NEVER, NOT EVER going to change. Their apology can't change it and their lack of apology can't change it. It's not up to them or their words, actions or inactions. No matter what the heck they do or do not do in and with the rest of their crummy little lives...you are STILL and just ALWAYS going to be worthy and deserving of being treated with kindness, respect and in ways that support and inspire you. Because that's just you...worthy and deserving.

[UpwardForward]

An 'apology' doesn't necessarily mean remorse and understanding, or even admitting their wrongs.

 

In time they will see.

 

The best defense is to live or make for yourself a rich full life.

 

(this would probably make them crazy).

[Survivor12]

Part of maturity is accepting that life isn't always fair & learning to make peace within ourselves for both our own shortcomings & those of others.

 

We cannot force others to be what we want them to be or to do what we want them to do, but we DO have the power to forgive, survive and overcome.

 

Instead of battling a war you cannot win by demanding change in or validation from other people, use your time & energy to become the kind of person you wish others to be. Kindness breeds kindness...dwelling on the negatives will taint, not only your life, but those around you.

 

You made the brave choice to leave your home to be free from the negativity. Now, although you are physically away, you are holding on to the very thing that you wished to escape. If you truly want to find hapiness in your life, it's up to YOU to make that happen. Strive to achieve what YOU know you deserve & be proud of what you accomplish. Being positive, confident & kind will attract people who will both appreciate you and enrich your life.

 

You have taken a big step toward a happy future. Keep moving forward & don't be distracted by what is behind you.

 

Good luck.

[pink_sugar]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, hun. That was my life down to a T. I felt the same way for awhile after leaving home. I think with time and therapy, you can recover and move on. There will be a day when you know what happened was wrong and you won't need validation. Please see a therapist. You are better off without these people in your life and someday you will see that too.

[DazedandConfused8]

No, this was one example. The point is, I just want them to apologise for the trauma they caused me more generally, and the pain. I was constantly wronged (false accusations, lack of credibility for no reason, insults, etc...), and no one ever apologised. Nor are they showing any willingess to do so.

 

By the way, ifelt you were ridiculing my post, and I did not like it. I had given just the most memorable example of being denied an apology.

 

Okay. Your mom taking your brother's side should not have caused "trauma," but to each her own I guess. I'm not trying to ridicule you; I thought your one example was the only thing that had happened and you were upset by it.

 

If you feel you deserve an apology, then tell them that. Sit them down and have a serious conversation using "I feel" sentences and lots of verbs about how they wronged you and how you would like an apology.

[preraph]

I think now that you've moved out, being out on your own, in a bigger world, seeing not everyone is like your family, probably it's even more obvious to you how messed up things were and you're still just trying to process everything.

 

A friend of mine had a bad situation and her mother stood by and let it happen. it took her years to realize her mother's inaction was just as bad as her dad's actions, if not worse. She hoped to resolve this stuff with both of them and especially her mother, but her mother died fairly young. It devastated her to have no chance of getting an apology or explanation ever from her mother. But the truth is, her mother decided where she was making her stand decades ago and that was to keep her husband even at the risk of losing a child. She wasn't going to really change after all those years. By then she had created a house of cards to justify her actions and was in deep denial. To apologize would bring everything down. If she didn't do it for her young ones, she surely wasn't going to do it for her grown ones.

 

What I told my friend and continue to tell her is now is your time. You can't expect anything except more of the same from your family. You're free to decide who gets any contact and how much and who doesn't. But now is your time to give yourself all the things you needed from them. And you can do that. So you focus on taking care of yourself and treating yourself well and laying a more solid foundation than they provided. And this is a time to try to become conscious of and shed any negative traits they instilled in you. Of course, that's where a counselor can help you because it's easier for someone else to see than it is for us to see. Because in many ways, you will have modeled after them. Pay attention to all that and keep trying to be your best self and with time you'll get happier and freer.

[Woggle]

Stop caring about it. I realize now my mother will never admit she was wrong and to stop trying to get her to because it only hurts me. I thrive without her and she is consumed by hatred so in the end I decided to be happy. She can go on deluding herself that she is the victim.