Had the talk - now waiting

[JazzyFox]

Currently in LDR for past 6 months.

 

We met during my vacation in Hawaii, spent some intense times together and having realized we had found something special, committed to keeping in touch and him coming to visit me in my country. Things didn't progress fast enough for me, so I "admittedly" took the bull by the horns and made some moves. I returned twice to Hawaii, sent him dozens of emails and letters, called on several occasions, bought him gifts, and was an all-around incredible girlfriend. Each of my trips were incredible, and really helped solidify our relationship. We agree that we are soulmates.

 

In return, he would reply to some of my emails, would call me usually once a week, would profess his love and adoration, would call me his "princess", and would promise to come to my country "as soon as he could". Spoke of issues with getting passport, family problems with alcoholic brother, being in very busy season (tourism industry), and just having a hard time "getting away".

 

So what's the problem?

 

I guess I started realizing that I was doing way too much. He no longer had issues of passport, and busy season, yet he was still "stalling" a trip to my country. Despite having had "the talk" during last trip about him needing to call or write me more, he only did so sporadically. So, I started cutting back. No more phone calls, no more emails. And sure enough, he became a bit more communicative. He started calling more regularly. This went on for about 6 weeks.

 

Valentine's day came and went, with little extra effort on his behalf. (he sent a quickly scrawled card five days late, and never called me on the actual day) And then last weekend he missed his weekly call.

 

So I prepared to have the talk. I wrote down my thoughts, what I wanted, what I needed... and then gave him a call.

 

Needless to say, he was shocked. Didn't see it coming at all. But totally understood that he had been negligent and was sorry and that he would never find anybody else like me, and that life was difficult right now, and he wasn't as free and independent as I was.

 

So I told him that there was nothing he could say that would comfort me. That action spoke louder than words, and that I needed to feel that I was an important part of his life, and vice-versa. I told him to think about what I had said, and that when he was ready to talk, to call me. Until then, I would not call, would not write. And if I hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks, then we would have to have a more serious conversation.

 

Of course I realize my mistakes: gave too much too soon, took the active role in the relationship

 

And this is what caused him to take a more passive role, and become a lazy boyfriend.

 

I think I did the right thing by putting my foot down, and giving him a timeline.

 

But while I am waiting for him to decide I am tormented by doubt and insecurity. Is there any advice out there for me?

[bluechocolate]

I think holiday romances should stay just where they are - on holiday.

 

But hey - if things work out - more power to you!

 

Good Luck.

[NTB]

if it is meant to be it will be i was in a LDR for 2 years and i did anything for her and was ready to move there had a job lined up an everything but things fell through with us.....so on another note too maybe he is scared about moving or things like that i know i was when i was getting ready to move away from everything i knew...but i was in love and i was willing to do it for her.

 

so again if the the love is real and he really wants to be with you then he will make it happen if not then he won't

[JazzyFox]

No longer exactly waiting. Got a reply ... not entirely apologetic, but certainly understanding.

 

I'm guessing that I should still hold my ground, reaffirm my point of view, and go easy on the communication until balance is restored.

 

As for holiday romances going nowhere ... I would normally agree. This is not my first one, but this is the first one that took the step into LDR.

 

Any tips for gf with lazy boyfriends?

[JazzyFox]

Well it's over. Finally had the talk, and he just wants to be friends. Not sure if it was because of the LDR, or the LDR highlighted the basic problem.

 

Thanks for your input

[AndrewJ]

You sound like a very caring soul.

 

I hope things play out how u desire.

[JazzyFox]

Originally posted by AndrewJ

You sound like a very caring soul.

 

I hope things play out how u desire.

 

 

That's my problem. Too caring for my own good. But I think I have finally realized that I can't push or pull people into relationships faster than they are ready to go.

 

A part of me hopes that he might realize, before it's too late, what he is giving up ... and come back running. So, I'm trying very hard to move on, and am ABSOLUTELY no contact until then.

 

It's so hard.

[AndrewJ]

If he realises what is gone he will call.

 

I hope for that doubt in ur mind that he does come back running

[RecordProducer]

And another good example encouraging women to be pushy sometimes. It's good to remain a real lady and wait for the guy to run after you, blah-blah-blah... and simply read the signs... if he's great then he loves you, if something's wrong, just forget about him.

But sometimes, when deep emotions are involved, we kep fooling ourselves that everything is more or less fine. We find various excuses such as distance or hard work.

Hadn't she made him say clearly what he wants, he would have pulled her nose for months. Isn't our time precious? Not to mention our feelings...

Many women who have demanded from their males to clear things up have ended realizing that they were just wasting their time. However, many times everything turns out to be great!

[JazzyFox]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

But sometimes, when deep emotions are involved, we kep fooling ourselves that everything is more or less fine. We find various excuses such as distance or hard work.

 

I am so absolutely in agreement, that I am trying to contain myself from jumping up and down and shouting " BINGO" When you love someone, you find the time. And if you can't find the time, then the love is gone, or was never there. Now I'm a reasonable girl ... I know what is realistic and what isn't. And distance is never a serious problem, when you love someone. But the effort can be more taxing, and there has to be some balance. Otherwise you got the equivalent of Archie in his lazyboy shouting for Edith.

 

Unfortunately I had Edith and Archie for parents, so I have a poor example of a balanced and healthy relationship. I think it took this relationship for me to finally realize it. Now, with all the lightbulbs on in the attic, I'm beginning to notice quite a pattern in my life. Yikes!

 

 

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Hadn't she made him say clearly what he wants, he would have pulled her nose for months. Isn't our time precious? Not to mention our feelings...

Many women who have demanded from their males to clear things up have ended realizing that they were just wasting their time. However, many times everything turns out to be great!

 

 

Thank you RP! Thank you! Thank you! You're darn right ... he would have pulled my nose for months!!! I got to keep remembering that when I have one of my weak moments and want to call. But you know, it gets easier to keep NC every day. It really does. I didn't believe it a week ago. But it's true.

 

And this message board ROCKS! Thanks to everyone! You are all a huge comfort to me.

[RecordProducer]

Glad you feel consoled a bit. He even pulls your nose when he says he wants to be friends. He will miss your affection. It's happened to me and other women before, that men find it hard to say honestly that they're not in love because they like how the women who are in love treat them. That's why it's not good for a lady to run after a guy; guys get used to it. Unfortunately showing too much affection is not the way to keep them. They should be around by their independent choice.

[AndrewJ]

True words

 

But if a man loved a woman the woman would know for sure IMO.

 

[RecordProducer]

Exactly, Andrew! But when the man doesn't love her, she may still hope he does and make a fool out of herself. Women are generally prone to that.

[AndrewJ]

Possibly, The joys of lovin someone

[JazzyFox]

Originally posted by AndrewJ

True words

 

But if a man loved a woman the woman would know for sure IMO.

 

 

 

You see when we are physically together, I know he loves me. I have no doubt, whatsoever. He showers me with affection, attention, romantic interludes ... the works. And then, as soon as I come home ... the boiling water turns ice cold. What's the deal? So over the past 6 months, in between trips, I've been essentially "propping up" the relationship by being extracommunicative, writing letters, calling, sending postcards, etc.

 

I even took several weeks to do a sketch of us to give him on valentine's day. So when I saw his crappy (and late) vday card ... I had had enough!

 

Perhaps he is one of those who suffers from "out of sight, out of mind". But then when I talk to him (even if I'm the one to call) he gets all emotional, and ... blah, blah, blah ... I can't eat, don't want to go out, I miss you so much ... blah, blah, blah.

 

Whatever, actions speak louder than words. And I've had enough of his hot/cold antics. If he can't step up to the plate, he doesn't deserve to play the game.

 

I'm not even asking anything remotely close to a ring. Just a frickin effort, and a phone call.

 

There, I vented ... and I feel better.

[AndrewJ]

Jazzyfox how does the boiling water turn ice cold?

Does he no longer omit loving gestures when u are way?

 

Maybe he's not aware of how much u need him to love u?

 

Heck if someone did a sketch of me and them together i'd be smittten to the heavens. Thats one beautiful gesture. Did u give it to him? Did he appreaciate it?

 

I don't know what to say but just wait and see if he gets of his backside and realises how speacial u are then he is a wise man.

 

[alicia24]

I agree with keeping holiday romances as holiday romances. I met a guy in cancun and totally fell in love with him. We had a great romance for the week I was there. This was like 10 years. We still keep in contact through MSN messenger, but we both know that the ditance is too great for any kind of relationship. He lives in Mexico and I'm in Jersey. But the memories I have from that trip I will always Cherish.

[JazzyFox]

Originally posted by AndrewJ

Jazzyfox how does the boiling water turn ice cold?

Does he no longer omit loving gestures when u are way?

 

Maybe he's not aware of how much u need him to love u?

 

Heck if someone did a sketch of me and them together i'd be smittten to the heavens. Thats one beautiful gesture. Did u give it to him? Did he appreaciate it?

 

I don't know what to say but just wait and see if he gets of his backside and realises how speacial u are then he is a wise man.

 

 

Andrew, he was floored ... said it was beautiful, that I was so talented ... that I am an exceptional person.

 

And you are right, he was not aware of how much communication and reassurance I need. I thought I would show him "by example" ... and that didn't work out very well for me. So that's why I forced "the talk" ... and I guess he got a bit scared.

 

I mean, really ... if you had a girl who was as "over-the-top" as I am ... and realized that you were never able to live up to her expectations ... and you never had had to "work" at a relationship previously (cuz, let's face it, an LDR is "work" .... albeit worthwhile) ... then you might feel a little cornered by all my "loving" (and well-intentioned) gestures.

 

Anyways, I guess he decided on the "let's cool it off" route ... played the "friends" card ... and now, I'm getting on with my life.

 

Again, I don't rule out a reconciliation ... I'm just moving on (with an itsy bitsy piece of hope in my heart) ... and in the off chance that he does try and get back together ... I can tell you right now, that the terms of agreement will be very different.

 

The big issue is that when I am not there, he really prioritizes work, and gets lost in the routine ... and he just doesn't take the time, or effort, to write or call often enough. And for me, that's a dealbreaker.

 

When he says "I'm sorry I didn't call, I was so busy with work ... blah blah blah" ... that's a total cop-out. Because (and he knows it) I have a job and a career that is double the work ... and I have many more obligations in my life than he does ... yet I FIND the time. Cuz I got my priorities on right!

[AndrewJ]

Jazzyfox maybee he realy doest care for you?

 

Maybee he is over the hills in love with you and doesn't wnat to spoil it by being over the top.

 

You sound like a fabtastic individual, I hope for your sake that things pan out to hapiness.

 

When did u have the talk?

 

What was his recation to the talk?

[JazzyFox]

Andrew: had talk No 1 16 days ago, and had talk No 2 9 days ago - Reaction was that he was floored ... but realized that he had been negligent but that he just wasn't as free with his time and obligations as I was ... he had previously told me that he wanted to take things slow ... that he had never been successful in relationships that evolved too quickly ... i ignored the signs, pulled out all the stops, and rammed through like a steamroller ... he got scared, and pulled the friends card (this was 9 days ago)

 

Anyways, I now have an update ... he has left me 3 messages (home, cell, and office) this evening ... I'm not sure I want to call him back. For the simple reason that I'm still angry, upset, frustrated ... and I don't want to have a blow-out when he first calls back. He seemed depressed in his messages.

 

I don't know what it means, and I don't know what I should do immediately.

 

I think I'll just let it stew for a day or two, and see if he calls on the weekend. What do you think?

[AndrewJ]

Jazzyfox

 

If he pulled the freinds card thats not a good sign

 

However if he rang you 3 times that to me sounds more than something a freind would do.

 

Prob called to say **** im sorry i made a mistake please forgive me i love u

 

You have lyed your cards on the table in regards to what u want?

If he keeps calling and u seriously dig this man persue it.

 

LDR are a bugger for both parties , how far away from each other are u2.

 

Peace out sister

[JazzyFox]

Originally posted by AndrewJ

LDR are a bugger for both parties , how far away from each other are u2.

 

Peace out sister

 

About 8000 km, or a twelve hour plane ride

 

Anyways, today is Sunday, and he didn't call back this weekend. (at least not when I was home )

 

I don't know ... I'm still not sure if I should call him back. I think he still has to make an effort and call again. ... cuz playing the friends card is a tough obstacle to overcome.

[AndrewJ]

Moderately confused?

 

Thats a fair distance Jazzyfox

 

It would b hard IMO of sustaining an intimate relationship with that greater distance between two souls.

 

The freinds card prob means he is unsure atm.

 

there must be some other guys in your local area

 

But if your mind is set on 8000km man i wish you luck

[JazzyFox]

Originally posted by AndrewJ

It would b hard IMO of sustaining an intimate relationship with that greater distance between two souls.

 

Well, I agree and I disagree. It does make things difficult ... at least to see each other often. But I have plenty of airmiles, and he makes good dough ... so it's not really the issue.

 

I've been there three times in 6 months ... yet he is still stalling to make the first trip.

 

So obviously he has more doubts than I do (or did).

 

Anyways I did too much, went too often, wrote too eloquently

 

So now I do nothing ... and play the waiting game

 

Andrew: as for the phone calls ... did I do right by not calling back? Should I wait for him to call again?

[AndrewJ]

Jazzyfox,

 

You must be smitten with this fella big time

To even think that 8000 km is only just a flight away and easy shows that u realy want this fella

 

You have seen him 3 times in 6 months? You must communicate a lot on the phone. IMO communictaing on the phone is cool but in the flesh seems to giv eu a better uinderstanding on things.

 

You wrote to eloquently? nothing wrong with that.

 

If you seriously dig this guy and the thought of him is troubling you as it must be doing cause you are wriying for advice. IMO ring him and ask him what the go is one last time. You have given him some time to think.

 

Strike whilst the iron is hot

 

Goodluck Jazzyfox