MissTrudy Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 I have a great boyfriend, the only thing that I feel is lacking in our relationship is deep emotional intimacy. We have grown significantly on many fronts but this one is still a work in progress, and it's also an area where I believe we both have difficulties expressing ourselves but for different reasons. I definitely have more baggage than him because I've been in relationships before, my relationship with some family members is a bit rocky, and I had a more difficult (but nonetheless happy) childhood. He's never been in a relationship before me, his family is pretty stable and he has great relationships with all of them, and I get the sense from meeting his family and when I talk to him that he had a typical middle class upbringing (of course, looks can be deceiving though)! I feel like there are parts of me that I haven't shared with him and at the same time a lot I don't know about him, things that require deeper levels of trust. And it's not that I don't want to share those parts of me, I trust him more than any of my past boyfriends, it's just that I don't know how to approach these deeper, sometimes darker topics. We do talk about our past experiences, feelings, dreams, and things like that, but I know we can go deeper. We've been together for five months now and I am not trying to rush things, we're both pretty shy and introverted so it's remarkable that we've come out of our shells this much, but I am starting to get frustrated. I realize that if this is something I want I need to be proactive and start the conversation because he is not a mind reader and as far as I know, he is clueless about this need I'm feeling. My problem is that I have a really hard time talking about these things and making myself vulnerable. I am not an over-sharer and I ruminate for days before I speak about my deeper thoughts, experiences, and feelings, but when I've opened up to people (family, ex boyfriends, etc) I sometimes felt rejected or dismissed. Thus it's hard for me to start these conversations so any help you all can give would be most appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Before you reveal aspects of your life outside of yourself (to do with relatives, past experiences, other people) you need to gently open up about who you are, what you like, dislike, will stand for, won't stand for, and how you deal with feelings, emotional situations and times of emotional struggles. He needs to know you, before he knows ABOUT you. And you need to know the same about him, because if he bottles things up, or is superficial, shoulder-shrugging and gets over stuff quickly, then you may encounter difficulties in communication, and relating to one another. Before opening up about other matters, you both need to know these things about one another, because unless you have a meeting of minds, a meeting of hearts is out of the question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTrudy Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Thank you for the advice evanescentworld. I feel like we have gotten to know about each other for many of the aspects you described above, except for the last three you mention: ...how you deal with feelings, emotional situations and times of emotional struggles. A situation hasn't really arose where we've been forced to display those things, and i dont know how to approach talking about them. I think we are nearing the end of our honeymoon phase which is both exciting and a little scary. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Well, I have read, somewhere on here (I wish I still had the post_ that Communication is the most vital aspect of any relationship, and Effective communication is even more so. It's hard to force discussions about such matters, but sometimes, you may come to moments when it's appropriate to comment, for example, that - "I'm the kind of person that needs to digest something for a while before commenting. It's not that I bring up old arguments, it's more a case of having to think about the effects of an issue, on me, before I comment on it. I prefer to think things through, rather than fire off like a loose cannon, and maybe say something I regret. So sometimes, if we ever come across a situation where I feel conflicted, I may ask you if I can back out and not discuss it for a while.... Do you prefer to deal with things head on, there and then?" Link to post Share on other sites
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