Communicate with the dumper

[dumbass2]

After over a month and a half of no contact between us, is there any communication that the dumper can do without losing self respect? I'm pretty sure it's going to be 100% no. I am feeling guilty and mad at myself right now about some of the mistakes I made and things I missed that might have made a difference. Problem is, that she had her issues too. I guess I just want to let her know that I now see, now that I'm further away from it, that I missed many opportunities and made mistakes from my lack of experience, that were things that didn't cause blow ups or arguments, just didn't help to develop the relationship. Is it one of those things where I write it down and send it to a friend or just not even write anything? How bad would it be if I tried calling one more time and if she didn't answer after 3-4 rings, just hang up? I haven't done anything on my end in a long time and have never been begging or pleading and texting and calling all the time. Maybe I'm just having one of those weak moments.

Edited September 5, 2014 by dumbass2

[Ronni_W]

If you went ahead and communicated with her now -- about whatever -- would that cause you to lose respect for yourself? If not, then your self-respect would obviously stay intact.

 

But that's not to say that you will not lose (more of) her respect for you...of course assuming that the break-up was such that there was still respect from her to you.

 

I think, just leave it. It's probably like you said, just weak moment. It too shall pass, right? Telling her that there is a "new and improved" version of you now available...to what end?

 

Stay strong!

[dumbass2]

If you went ahead and communicated with her now -- about whatever -- would that cause you to lose respect for yourself? If not, then your self-respect would obviously stay intact.

 

But that's not to say that you will not lose (more of) her respect for you...of course assuming that the break-up was such that there was still respect from her to you.

 

I think, just leave it. It's probably like you said, just weak moment. It too shall pass, right? Telling her that there is a "new and improved" version of you now available...to what end?

 

Stay strong!

 

I guess my head is just telling me that I wish she would know that I do see now what I couldn't in the relationship, because I was somewhat naive and lacked real long term relationship experience. That I think I know the real reason she broke up now and can't blame her, though I wish she would have been more truthful about it because It has lead me to have to over analyze to figure out what it really was so I can learn from it and be better going forward. The bottom line is that she didn't want it any more and I guess I'm still seeking some type of closure to yes, that was really it so work on those things and it will make a difference in my next relationship. I'm sure I don't need her to tell me that, but I guess it would mean something to me to let her know that I do know recognize these things and that part of the relationship, though she did say we had fantastic times together, is something that I did learn from and it wasn't all for not. I guess, as it usually is when the other person tries to contact, that it is doing it for that person and not the one they are sending it to.

 

I will try to hold strong, but the urge is there again after so much time has passed.

[Ronni_W]

In a nutshell, then, you want to say something like, "I finally get it now. I have no hard feelings...and hope you don't either" ?

 

though I wish she would have been more truthful about it because It has lead me to have to over analyze to figure out what it really was so I can learn from it and be better going forward.

No, it usually doesn't work like that. If she would have just "given you your own answers", as it were, you would not have gained the insights, wisdom, awareness, strength that necessarily comes from doing the work on your own...your emotional and mental "muscles" would not have gone through the same rigorous exercises. You also would have had time to disagree and deflect, or just make whatever superficial and temporary changes...applied a band-aid where some serious surgery was actually needed.

 

The bottom line is that she didn't want it any more and I guess I'm still seeking some type of closure

Close the chapter yourself.

As you say, you don't need anyone else to help you to do that. You know what you now know, you know what you learned, you know how you grew.

 

I don't know the details of your break-up, but if you REALLY want to just let her know, "Thanks for helping me learn and grow", AND you know with 100%, absolute certainty that she'll take it in the spirit you intend, then go ahead and do that.

But. If, at the end of the day, it's just you putting feelers out there about a possible reconciliation...well, let it simmer for another few weeks before you think about it again.

 

I know it's tough to stay tough. Best of luck.

[dumbass2]

In a nutshell, then, you want to say something like, "I finally get it now. I have no hard feelings...and hope you don't either" ?

 

 

No, it usually doesn't work like that. If she would have just "given you your own answers", as it were, you would not have gained the insights, wisdom, awareness, strength that necessarily comes from doing the work on your own...your emotional and mental "muscles" would not have gone through the same rigorous exercises. You also would have had time to disagree and deflect, or just make whatever superficial and temporary changes...applied a band-aid where some serious surgery was actually needed.

 

Close the chapter yourself.

As you say, you don't need anyone else to help you to do that. You know what you now know, you know what you learned, you know how you grew.

 

I don't know the details of your break-up, but if you REALLY want to just let her know, "Thanks for helping me learn and grow", AND you know for 100%, absolute certainty that she'll take it in the spirit you intend, then go ahead and do that.

But. If, at the end of the day, it's just you putting feelers out there about a possible reconciliation...well, let it simmer for another few weeks before you think about it again.

 

I know it's tough to stay tough. Best of luck.

 

Thanks, I will hold off, but you are right. It is that I want to say that I've soul searched and yes, I finally get it!!! and yes, no hard feelings. i think something like that does me good and I don't think putting it that way would be boosting her ego or losing respect from her, not that it matters at this point. It might open up much later down the road an opportunity to talk and laugh about it because it wasn't a horrible break up, just 2 people that weren't compatible at the time. I now have much more confidence going into my next relationship that I can now do more things on my end to make it work if I really want it to.

[Reels]

It would be as crucial to know about her situation as well.

[dumbass2]

It would be as crucial to know about her situation as well.

 

I'm not sure if she is seeing anyone. We haven't talked in a while, so i'm not sure what is going on with her. She was fine talking with me on the phone last time in July. There really has been limited communication over the 4 months post break up.

[dumbass2]

someone please just tell me how stupid it is to be thinking about sending her anything. I know i just want to send something for me that says "I finally get and no hard feelings" type email giving a few examples to help me express myself which i always had a problem doing with her and let her know that I got something positive out of it and wish her the best. I really don't think she thought that I was able to get it. It has taken solid no contact to reflect back and 4 months time away. I do get it. I have learned and we should both just be thankful for the time we had. I don't know, maybe by wanting to send this, I still haven't fully got it?

[Ronni_W]

If you're going to make yourself crazy NOT sending it...then you're better off sending something and saving your sanity.

 

BUT...no bloody examples about anything. ONLY "I finally get and no hard feelings". (And you can add, "I really did enjoy our time together...and I know and fully accept that it's 100% in the past.")

[BC1980]

I guess my head is just telling me that I wish she would know that I do see now what I couldn't in the relationship, because I was somewhat naive and lacked real long term relationship experience.

 

I'll be straightforward about this. She doesn't care that you have now realized your mistakes. I have seen this scenario many times on LS, and it played out in my own relationship. She is not as emotionally invested anymore, so she is past the point of caring if you have changed. She cared while you were in the relationship with her.

 

I did something similar. I wrote this long email to my ex about our mistakes and how I was willing to change, and he didn't really care by that point. He said "it's not in time," meaning that he didn't care anymore. He had emotionally checked out. Not to mention that I later felt like a complete fool for apologizing for things where there was no apology needed. I was taking all the blame. I've seen this same thing happen to many posters on LS since I have been here, and it's cringe worthy now that I know what I know.

 

I would highly recommend against sending any sort of email about how you have seen the error of your ways or changed for the better.

[BC1980]

someone please just tell me how stupid it is to be thinking about sending her anything. I know i just want to send something for me that says "I finally get and no hard feelings" type email giving a few examples to help me express myself which i always had a problem doing with her and let her know that I got something positive out of it and wish her the best. I really don't think she thought that I was able to get it. It has taken solid no contact to reflect back and 4 months time away. I do get it. I have learned and we should both just be thankful for the time we had. I don't know, maybe by wanting to send this, I still haven't fully got it?

 

Well, your real motivation is to get her back. You hope that she will give you another chance now that you "get it." The chances of you getting her back with an email like that are negative. Usually, a dumper has given you multiple chances to change during the relationship, even if you were unaware of it. So in her mind, she is spent and done with you.

 

You have put so much thought in changing, and she doesn't care half as much as you do. Don't share anything else with her.

[dumbass2]

Well, your real motivation is to get her back. You hope that she will give you another chance now that you "get it." The chances of you getting her back with an email like that are negative. Usually, a dumper has given you multiple chances to change during the relationship, even if you were unaware of it. So in her mind, she is spent and done with you.

 

You have put so much thought in changing, and she doesn't care half as much as you do. Don't share anything else with her.

 

I owe her nothing. No apologies from me on anything. I can't apologize for things I didn't know how to do with lack of experience. As I look back and really see things now as they really were (no rose colored glasses anymore) I see my mistakes, but mistakes from lack of experience, but not from repetition from past relationships. I'm not trying to get back with her or apologize in any way, but I feel stupid for missing signs and not knowing what I should have. She did not make things easy and better communication from her instead of testing and games would have helped. I was naive and I'm embarrassed for my age to feel that way. I had lost my balls, didn't do well at giving and sharing enough, didn't express myself as I should have at times and we were too physical too fast. I see each instance where I've learned. I also see where her issues are and I'm not so sure her's would change without time away to do what she needs to do, which is go out and see what's out there after being in 2 long term relationships prior to me. We were not compatible, at least at the time and I now see that. I'm not begging to get her back because i didn't care for the game playing and immaturity, but would like her to know that I did catch on to things, but too bad I needed to be outside the relationship to see them because she didn't help any.

[Ronni_W]

I'm not trying to get back with her or apologize in any way, but I feel stupid for missing signs and not knowing what I should have. I was naive and I'm embarrassed

Will you feel LESS stupid and LESS embarrassed if you let her know that you're "new and improved"?

 

Are there OTHER ways (than now contacting her) that you can help yourself feel less stupid and less embarrassed? (Because, THAT'S all you want out of this, at the end of the day...to feel less of those things.)

 

My guess is that she already knows that you did not have highly-developed self-awareness and/or relationship skills. My guess is that she does not need you to tell her that, for her to already know that.

[dumbass2]

Will you feel LESS stupid and LESS embarrassed if you let her know that you're "new and improved"?

 

Are there OTHER ways (than now contacting her) that you can help yourself feel less stupid and less embarrassed? (Because, THAT'S all you want out of this, at the end of the day...to feel less of those things.)

 

My guess is that she already knows that you did not have highly-developed self-awareness and/or relationship skills. My guess is that she does not need you to tell her that, for her to already know that.

 

Yes, you are right. I guess my point is that I do now. I didn't have the self awareness during the relationship, but I can look at myself now and see my issues. I have talked with a trained relationship therapist (wish I had done that during the relationship) and have now read a few good books on the subject. Combined they have really helped me in pin pointing my missed opportunities in the past relationship. Yes, I guess that I feel at this point, with what I have learned that if I met her now, things on my end would have been a whole lot different. Still on her end, maybe not so much, so I need to get away from that thought. I feel that with what I know now, I probably would have ended the relationship myself about 2 months earlier. I went through writing an email and have ended up deleting it. I need to let this go finally and use everything I've learned on my next potential relationship and remember that not all adult women are going to be as immature and manipulative as this one was. I feel at some points I disrespected myself and I don't need to go and do something that might make me feel that way again.

 

I wanted to send her something that said, " Hey -----, Hope you've found the man of your dreams. I've found my balls! Take care

[Ronni_W]

I wanted to send her something that said, " Hey -----, Hope you've found the man of your dreams. I've found my balls! Take care

Hell-crap NO!!!

 

You want to write, "Hi. Are you seeing anyone at the moment? Because, if not, how do you feel about us getting together for a <coffee/beer/martini/ice-cream>? Just for company, just to catch up."

 

Six thousand people are going to tell you not to do that.

[dumbass2]

Hell-crap NO!!!

 

You want to write, "Hi. Are you seeing anyone at the moment? Because, if not, how do you feel about us getting together for a <coffee/beer/martini/ice-cream>? Just for company, just to catch up."

 

Six thousand people are going to tell you not to do that.

 

 

Sorry, I would not really ever send anything like, but it's funny to think about it

 

Yeh, at this point, probably too early for just a catch up talk. Maybe a few more months. I am curious if she is seeing someone, but then if she is, I really don't want to know all about it right now.

 

Thanks

[Ronni_W]

Yeh, at this point, probably too early for just a catch up talk.

Based on what you've said in this thread, I personally do not believe it is "too early". (Are you chickening out at this late stage??? )

 

I do think, however, that it's better for you to tell her in person about all your "new and improved" stuff (if ever/whenever you do or may get around to doing that).

And, to initiate that, you do want to start off with "Are you seeing anyone right now?" before you go ahead and, in the same sentence, ask how SHE feels about getting together.

 

If your break-up came about just because you were still "relationally challenged and under-developed" at that time...one just never knows. Does one? Until one ACTUALLY has grown the balls (of courage) to actually find out.

[Itspointless]

Yeh, at this point, probably too early for just a catch up talk. Maybe a few more months. I am curious if she is seeing someone, but then if she is, I really don't want to know all about it right now.

Why would you like to catch up? Every reason I read so far is about the mistakes you made or if you have been replaced yet. I believe you do not want to catch up, it is your mind disguising the fact that you miss what you both had. The missing does not get better contacting her.

[Missy0724]

Why bother? What do you want from her? Her approval? Why do you want or need that?

 

YOU know you've changed, you know your mistakes. Isn't that all that matters; for you?, as your journey goes forward, into a new relationship, when the time is right and it happens?

 

You are NOT together. Are you friends? You don't speak, have contact? So what is the point? For whom?

 

I know how you feel, I felt this way many times post break up. Do you feel you didn't get "closure"? I know that's hard...

 

But not sure why you feel the want or need to tell her you've changed, unless you want another chance at a romantic relationship with her? Or to begin communication of some kind?

 

But if you want to do it, for closure, for you, I suppose you should go for it. Just afraid you will get hurt, it will spiral you down again... as usually happens when we reach out... We just end up hurting ourselves and regretting what we did sometimes...

 

Just wondering why you need her approval? Or anyone's? Your own is all you really should need...

[hedyo]

Contacting her to tell her you've changed will only signal to her that you haven't changed at all. If she wanted to be in contact, she would be contacting you. If she wanted to know whether you'd changed, she'd be checking up. By over-sharing your feelings at this point, you'll just be demonstrating that you're unable to take a hint.

 

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, and there are always things you wish you'd done differently. You need to accept the situation and move on. The only way to show your ex that you truly have changed is by being strong, respecting her decision and not seeking her approval.

[dumbass2]

I keep missing that fact that she had issues that I had a hard time with. She was far from perfect and more experienced in relationships then me. I can know the issues I had and see where I can improve/fix somethings now because I've learned, but has she? Her issues just may be ones that someone has to accept because it's just the way she is. I can do everything now that I know I need to do to give a relationship the best chance of growing. It's not like I keep repeating my same issues. I'm just now becoming aware of them.

 

I would like to send her something like the other poster mentioned that "I finally get it and have learned so much. Hope there are no hard feelings. Take care"

 

I think I just need to continue the NC, at least for a few more months. If she meets someone else, then oh well. Maybe I will too and I wont be thinking of this in a month or two.

[Itspointless]

I keep missing that fact that she had issues that I had a hard time with. She was far from perfect and more experienced in relationships then me. I can know the issues I had and see where I can improve/fix somethings now because I've learned, but has she? Her issues just may be ones that someone has to accept because it's just the way she is. I can do everything now that I know I need to do to give a relationship the best chance of growing. It's not like I keep repeating my same issues. I'm just now becoming aware of them.

 

I would like to send her something like the other poster mentioned that "I finally get it and have learned so much. Hope there are no hard feelings. Take care"

 

I think I just need to continue the NC, at least for a few more months. If she meets someone else, then oh well. Maybe I will too and I wont be thinking of this in a month or two.

I understand why you would like to. Your conclusion is the best though as sending a message will give rise to hope of getting an answer (or in other words hope of validation).

[dumbass2]

It sucks because While I do miss her, I really miss that I don't have the opportunity to do what I know now and learned. It wasn't like there was abuse (verbal or physical) or drugs or constant fighting or cheating going on. We both had issues and mine were more from just the lack of going through something like this. It had been way too long because of work and taking care of a parent.

 

It's funny because while in the relationship it seemed things weren't so bad because I didn't know any better and now with so much time away and analyzing the different issues that came up, I have to tell myself that it was pretty bad. Mostly from the communication standpoint and my being naive and stupid but she still had some issues. It's hard because I think it's stuff that could be fixed (don't all us dumpees think that?). That's fine on my end, but would i be any happier with her? There was so much that I loved, but now I see more clearly, so much I disliked that probably couldn't change. I'll never know and that sucks because we at the very least "really liked" each other (even though we used the word "love" a number of times) and had great chemistry, but that can only go so far. The compatibility going forward was going to be the issue. I want to send her something again at some point. I my change with more time, but she was my first woman in quite a while and I wont be able to forget her easily. She is probably well over me now and is probably better at moving on then I am right now. If only she knew how I really feel and what I've been able to pick up on now that I missed before. Would that make a difference? I have to keep telling myself no, but it's still hard to do.

[Itspointless]

It's hard because I think it's stuff that could be fixed (don't all us dumpees think that?).

Stuff cant be fixed if they are not willing to do the effort. My ex clearly voiced to me that she saw no reason to change: she turned out to be dismissive-avoidant. I did not ask her, I got that answer concerning the effort for free. Your ex also made her decision. We both are the fools missing them. It will get better with time, I am getting there, finally.

[dumbass2]

If I did end up caving in and sending something, how about this?

 

Hi........

 

Are you seeing anyone seriously at the moment? Because, if not, how do you feel about us getting together to catch up?

 

I want you to know that I did finally "GET IT" and have no hard feelings and hope you don't either.

 

Hope you're doing well

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