Communicate with the dumper

[Missy0724]

That clearly sounds like you want the opportunity to get back together romantically. Is that what you want? And what you want her to hear in that note?

[Ronni_W]

Hi........

 

Are you seeing anyone seriously at the moment? Because, if not, how do you feel about us getting together to catch up?

 

I want you to know that I did finally "GET IT" and have no hard feelings and hope you don't either.

 

Hope you're doing well

.......

Then you may as well just send the bolded part, and leave all the rest.

 

For whatever reason (which doesn't really matter), you really, really, really want her to know that you get it; that you've grown in awareness and possibly also relationship skills. There is nothing wrong with it, but yours is a totally self-interested motive.

 

You do not really want to get-together with her. You just want to tell her that about yourself. So, don't bother with the fake interest/invite to meet.

[Itspointless]

You do not really want to get-together with her. You just want to tell her that about yourself.

There was so much that I loved, but now I see more clearly, so much I disliked that probably couldn't change. I'll never know and that sucks because we at the very least "really liked" each other (even though we used the word "love" a number of times) and had great chemistry, but that can only go so far.

Here is my interpretation: 'can you perhaps change if you see that I have changed? If yes, than we might have a future.'

[dumbass2]

Then you may as well just send the bolded part, and leave all the rest.

 

For whatever reason (which doesn't really matter), you really, really, really want her to know that you get it; that you've grown in awareness and possibly also relationship skills. There is nothing wrong with it, but yours is a totally self-interested motive.

 

You do not really want to get-together with her. You just want to tell her that about yourself. So, don't bother with the fake interest/invite to meet.

 

is there anything wrong with

 

I want you to know that I did finally "GET IT" and I have taken steps to improve in both self awareness and relationship skills. I have no hard feelings and hope you don't either.

 

Hope you're doing well

 

or just leave out the "taken steps" part?

 

I would like to get together with her because of where I'm at right now, but I don't think that's a good idea. She would have to initiate it. I'm not going to beg and plead. If she came to me and said that she wanted to start fresh, I would have to ask her how her issues within the relationship would change. I recognize mine, would she recognize the issues she had? I know mine already. I've picked myself apart. I know I'm going to have a much better chance of success in my next one, with or without her.

[Ronni_W]

I would like to get together with her because of where I'm at right now, but I don't think that's a good idea. She would have to initiate it. I'm not going to beg and plead. If she came to me and said that she wanted to start fresh,

If you send ANYTHING, YOU are the one initiating. If you just send a note and all it contains is your announcement that you're "new and improved" and bear no hard feelings...that's you initiating...and it's you passively asking for a second chance. The more details you provide in this note, the more desperate it will come off to her.

If you're sending a note, just: "Hi. Just wanted you to know that I finally get it. I have no hard feelings, and hope you don't either. Best in the future."

 

As far as I know, she hasn't said or even hinted that she wants to "start fresh"...so, from her side, that's not even on the table. Or did I miss something, about that?

 

In any case. *IF* you do want to at least check out the possibility of reconciling, then man-up. Invite her for coffee or whatever, and put yourself in the best position to be able to suss-out where she's at, at present time. As you say, it may well be that you have outgrown her...but in-person will still be your best way to find that out.

 

Regardless, I totally agree with you: Do not "beg and plead" for a second chance...nor a fresh start. At the same time, extending a casual invite for coffee or putting out non-emotional 'feelers' is not begging...nor pleading. Not in and of itself, I mean.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Ronni_W
spelling

[BC1980]

Please do not send that more. It is the most transparent thing I have seen. You're going to embarrass yourself if you send it.

[gj13]

Please do not send that more. It is the most transparent thing I have seen. You're going to embarrass yourself if you send it.

 

I agree. Please don't send anything. If you're still wondering on what to send her, how to meet up etc... then clearly you have not outgrown her and she will see this. I'd just keep the NC going, it's pretty pointless to reach out to someone who didn't want you in their life, regardless of how changed you are now. Prove you've changed by not reaching out.

[dumbass2]

I agree. Please don't send anything. If you're still wondering on what to send her, how to meet up etc... then clearly you have not outgrown her and she will see this. I'd just keep the NC going, it's pretty pointless to reach out to someone who didn't want you in their life, regardless of how changed you are now. Prove you've changed by not reaching out.

 

I guess my thing is, what if we're both getting the same advice not to contact and wait to see if the other one does? She called, we talked 2 months ago and she said we'll stay in touch. I left a vmail shortly after that asking to continue the talk. A week later she hadn't responded for whatever reason. I have no idea what she's got going on. My last email to her a week after that was, "like you said, fantastic memories and we'll leave it at that. take care" because I got frustrated she hadn't returned the call. We had both sent some things early on that appeared to be final type statements, but they didn't end up being that. Maybe I was too hasty with my email? Should have let her call me back on her time frame?

 

Is there anything I could send to just try and see if we can start to communicate again? I hear what you guys are saying and yes, I really do not want to disrespect myself or come off needy and desperate. I truly miss this woman and all during the break up I'm not sure she got how I was feeling about her because I tried to stay strong and bottled things up. I never begged and pleaded and I am not going to do that now, but would like to see if there is anything there at all.

 

A poster mentioned this ""Hi. Just wanted you to know that I finally get it. I have no hard feelings, and hope you don't either. Take care"

 

Is this something that would accomplish what I'm looking for? I guess I'm looking to try and send something that might get a response back without asking for one. in other words, I want to send one last thing that leaves it open for her to contact me if she wants, but I'm not expecting her to.

[Itspointless]

but I don't think that's a good idea. She would have to initiate it. I'm not going to beg and plead. If she came to me and said that she wanted to start fresh, I would have to ask her how her issues within the relationship would change. I recognize mine, would she recognize the issues she had? I know mine already. I've picked myself apart. I know I'm going to have a much better chance of success in my next one, with or without her.

Well, you already have that answer. She did not contact you, so apparently she does not feel any motivation to work on herself for you. That sucks, I know. At some point we have to listen to our heads and see that we are worth more.

[Xemyd]

I guess my thing is, what if we're both getting the same advice not to contact and wait to see if the other one does? She called, we talked 2 months ago and she said we'll stay in touch. I left a vmail shortly after that asking to continue the talk. A week later she hadn't responded for whatever reason. I have no idea what she's got going on. My last email to her a week after that was, "like you said, fantastic memories and we'll leave it at that. take care" because I got frustrated she hadn't returned the call. We had both sent some things early on that appeared to be final type statements, but they didn't end up being that. Maybe I was too hasty with my email? Should have let her call me back on her time frame?

 

Is there anything I could send to just try and see if we can start to communicate again? I hear what you guys are saying and yes, I really do not want to disrespect myself or come off needy and desperate. I truly miss this woman and all during the break up I'm not sure she got how I was feeling about her because I tried to stay strong and bottled things up. I never begged and pleaded and I am not going to do that now, but would like to see if there is anything there at all.

 

A poster mentioned this ""Hi. Just wanted you to know that I finally get it. I have no hard feelings, and hope you don't either. Take care"

 

Is this something that would accomplish what I'm looking for? I guess I'm looking to try and send something that might get a response back without asking for one. in other words, I want to send one last thing that leaves it open for her to contact me if she wants, but I'm not expecting her to.

 

You want her to start talking to you again, stop with the "I'm changing" bit, just straight up tell her you'd like be to on speaking terms whenever she's ready and leave it alone. You say you don't want to look needy or desperate but unfortunately you already do. I've gone through this, I've tried to find the loopholes in all the advice I got to remain NC. There are no loopholes that will in any way help you to reastablish a relationship with this girl. It has to be up to her and nothing you say will make her want to contact you, you're just going to push her away.

 

She, for whatever reason, does not want to have any contact with you right now, an you are painfully obvious that you are not ready for contact with her. You are not at a place to be able to cope with the possibility that what she says to you might not be what you want to hear.

 

I know it's hard, I'm dealing with it now aswell, but I've given up, I'm not gaining anything from spending all my time thinking of ways to spin my words to get him to call. NC is your best bet. DO NOT CONTACT HER.

[Itspointless]

A poster mentioned this ""Hi. Just wanted you to know that I finally get it. I have no hard feelings, and hope you don't either. Take care"

 

Is this something that would accomplish what I'm looking for? I guess I'm looking to try and send something that might get a response back without asking for one. in other words, I want to send one last thing that leaves it open for her to contact me if she wants, but I'm not expecting her to.

I can assure you, if you sent something you will be waiting. She already had you waiting. That is no healthy balance, that is a power-play.

[hedyo]

Trust me, if she wanted to contact you, she would. Even if she was unsure about how you'd react. Even if her friends were telling her not to. The reason you're not hearing from her is that she does not want to talk to you right now. She said she wanted to keep in touch because that's what people say when they break up with you. It's a lot easier than saying "Let's never talk again!". And yes, maybe she would like to have you in her life at some point, but not when she's feeling guilty and you're acting desperate.

 

Remember: As the dumper, it is HER responsibility to initiate any possible reconciliation. She broke the relationship, so it'd be her job to fix it if that's what she wanted. Your job is to move on with your life. You don't need to worry about what she's thinking. If she wants you back, SHE will let YOU know. Contacting her will do nothing, except make her feel pressured and guilty and even less into you.

[dumbass2]

Trust me, if she wanted to contact you, she would. Even if she was unsure about how you'd react. Even if her friends were telling her not to. The reason you're not hearing from her is that she does not want to talk to you right now. She said she wanted to keep in touch because that's what people say when they break up with you. It's a lot easier than saying "Let's never talk again!". And yes, maybe she would like to have you in her life at some point, but not when she's feeling guilty and you're acting desperate.

 

Remember: As the dumper, it is HER responsibility to initiate any possible reconciliation. She broke the relationship, so it'd be her job to fix it if that's what she wanted. Your job is to move on with your life. You don't need to worry about what she's thinking. If she wants you back, SHE will let YOU know. Contacting her will do nothing, except make her feel pressured and guilty and even less into you.

 

You are right. All of you are. Even though we didn't get to everything I wanted to with her call, I should not have left her a vmail so soon after it. I know that. That is also part of the "i get it". I sent my last email in mid July right after that letting her know that, yes, they were fantastic times and we'll leave it at that, so I now must stick to that and leave it to her or I lose more respect for myself and push her further away. I can't go back and forth and waiver on statements I make. that will show that I haven't changed. Leaving it as is and not contacting her will be the best way to show I've changed. My last email to her was fine. i acknowledged the good times and didn't show hostility and basically told her that by her not responding, that I now get it. I don't need to send something that right out says it. My last email did it for me and I need to leave it alone and move on.

 

Sad thing is, that I'm pretty sure that I will never hear from here again because we didn't get to the point of developing a strong emotional relationship because of my lack of experience. I see the things now and know what I'd do differently, but I don't see her ever giving me that opportunity again. There were many other things she loved and respected about me, but obviously those things weren't enough for her.

Edited September 9, 2014 by dumbass2

[Ronni_W]

I guess my thing is, what if we're both getting the same advice not to contact and wait to see if the other one does?

You are NOT getting ONLY that advice, dumbass. Man-up and contact her!!! (Why do SOME men leave all the heavy lifting to us women, and then call us all kinds of names when we demonstrate that we actually do have the balls -- that they seem to lack -- and we do have the courage and strength to do said heavy lifting??? )

Is there anything I could send to just try and see if we can start to communicate again?

A poster mentioned this ""Hi. Just wanted you to know that I finally get it. I have no hard feelings, and hope you don't either. Take care"

 

Is this something that would accomplish what I'm looking for? I guess I'm looking to try and send something that might get a response back without asking for one.

Yes...that will perfectly accomplish your stated goal, dumbass.

 

BUT. Are you going to be okay if you do NOT get back any response???

 

As well, please understand that if you send anything more than that, you will come off looking desperate and a little bit of "begging and pleading".

[dumbass2]

You are NOT getting ONLY that advice, dumbass. Man-up and contact her!!! (Why do SOME men leave all the heavy lifting to us women, and then call us all kinds of names when we demonstrate that we actually do have the balls -- that they seem to lack -- and we do have the courage and strength to do said heavy lifting??? )

Yes...that will perfectly accomplish your stated goal, dumbass.

 

BUT. Are you going to be okay if you do NOT get back any response???

 

As well, please understand that if you send anything more than that, you will come off looking desperate and a little bit of "begging and pleading".

 

Thanks for that! Remember, SHE told me SHE didn't want to see me anymore. The issue I have is that I did leave her a vmail right after her call and she did not respond in a week and left one more after that and I then emailed her what I did and that's been it. I guess I risk the chance of pushing her further away, but if I feel that she is not going to be contacting me ever again, then what do I lose? Am I showing balls or do lose more self respect, but I guess then, does it really matter what she thinks of me? I think she may have felt that I just gave up too easily. At least that's what I tell myself by my actions after the break up. She's the one that broke up with me. Sorry at the time if I didn't cry and beg and plead! I needed time away to sort things out. I'm now there as far as what I did wrong.

 

My friend thinks she's seeing someone because he recently saw a picture of her with a guy at a dinner with a family member and arm in arm. That may be why she never responded back. I hear what you're saying and I'm torn between giving her some time and space and just getting this over once and for all. People are saying that her silence is telling me that.

 

I feel that if I call she will not answer and it will go to vmail once again. What the hell do I say at this point! "Hi .... I know you didn't respond the last 2 times I called and I told you in my email that "fantastic times and we'll leave it at that" , but do you want to get together for breakfast sometime this week and catch up?"

 

You see why I choose the user name that I did

[Ronni_W]

You see why I choose the user name that I did

dumbass......I'm sorry but, no, I didn't/don't have your entire back-story. I got that she's the one who broke-up with you, though.

 

If you already have two unanswered voicemails out there (did I get that right?), why in bloody heck are you even contemplating a third contact? FOR SURE her silence is telling you something (if you have even one unanswered contact out there)...why in the heck are you not listening???

 

Am I showing balls or do lose more self respect, but I guess then, does it really matter what she thinks of me?

YOU are in charge of your own self-respect. Are YOU going to gain respect for yourself if you contact her now? - OR - are YOU going to gain more respect for yourself if you just find the patience, bravado, whatever-you-need from somewhere within yourself to just ride this one out and just do nothing at all as far as she is concerned???

I think she may have felt that I just gave up too easily.

Ah...WHO GIVES A CRAP what she may have felt or thought in the past, or does think or feel in the present, or will think or feel possibly, perhaps, potentially in the bloody future???

Sorry at the time if I didn't cry and beg and plead!

Thank freakin' G -- at least ONE THING that you did right!!! :bunny: Do not "cry and beg and plead"...never, not ever when someone is ditching you. Tell them to eff off, instead. (Go home and cry. Or send them home, and then cry. And then come here. But DO NOT beg or plead.)

 

So...can I ask you for a commitment? Please and pretty please (begging and pleading...and if you say 'no', I'm gonna be crying.)

 

Don't do a single thing about this until 9 October 2014. You can do that, yes? Wait one month and then decide to actually contact her?

 

That'd be the ballsiest thing to do under these circumstances. IMHO.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Ronni_W
spelling

[dumbass2]

dumbass......I'm sorry but, no, I didn't/don't have your entire back-story. I got that she's the one who broke-up with you, though.

 

If you already have two unanswered voicemails out there (did I get that right?), why in bloody heck are you even contemplating a third contact? FOR SURE her silence is telling you something (if you have even one unanswered contact out there)...why in the heck are you not listening???

 

YOU are in charge of your own self-respect. Are YOU going to gain respect for yourself if you contact her now? - OR - are YOU going to gain more respect for yourself if you just find the patience, bravado, whatever-you-need from somewhere within yourself to just ride this one out and just do nothing at all as far as she is concerned???

Ah...WHO GIVES A CRAP what she may have felt or thought in the past, or does think or feel in the present, or will think or feel possibly, perhaps, potentially in the bloody future???

Thank freakin' G -- at least ONE THING that you did right!!! :bunny: Do not "cry and beg and plead"...never, not ever when someone is ditching you. Tell them to eff off, instead. (Go home and cry. Or send them home, and then cry. And then come here. But DO NOT beg or plead.)

 

So...can I ask you for a commitment? Please and pretty please (begging and pleading...and if you say 'no', I'm gonna be crying.)

 

Don't do a single thing about this until 9 October 2014. You can do that, yes? Wait one month and then decide to actually contact her?

 

That'd be the ballsiest thing to do under these circumstances. IMHO.

 

If you already have two unanswered voicemails out there (did I get that right?), why in bloody heck are you even contemplating a third contact? FOR SURE her silence is telling you something (if you have even one unanswered contact out there)...why in the heck are you not listening???

 

Probably because I'm thinking I screwed up trying to contact her too soon after her call and needed to give her some space and I didn't, which is why she didn't respond. It's been almost 2 months since that. I think that's why I was wanting to send her the "I finally got it" email and put out there no hard feelings at least on my end, but I guess my silence in that I have not contacted her since, tells her that?

 

Yes! I know that I can refrain from doing this and see where I'm at a month from now. I may have met someone new by then. I am getting myself out there more now. I may even change what I would say today and more than likely I'd be telling myself "what the hell was I thinking sending her anything a month ago?"

 

Again, I knew my user name would be fitting, though I did do myself proud at the break up and the months afterwards, but my feelings finally got the best of me and I did have a few moments of weakness. I don't need to have any more.

[BC1980]

Her answer is clear. She did not answer two voicemails. Trust me, she does not care if you have changed. Exes don't care if you have changed. I don't even understand what you did wrong. You are taking a lot of blame that doesn't seem necessary. Lack of experience was your fault? WTF?

[Ronni_W]

Probably because I'm thinking I screwed up trying to contact her too soon after her call and needed to give her some space and I didn't,

Um...so you want to contact her to tell her that you "got it" that you, um, shouldn't have contacted her at the time that you contacted her because it was too soon??? (Did I get that right??? If so...it must be my old age and the mental "issues" that go along with old age. Yes?)

I think that's why I was wanting to send her the "I finally got it" email

Um...so you're feeling like a dumbass and you want to do an, er-um, dumbass thing...with the hope that that is gonna help you to not feel like such a dumbass??? (Did I get that right???)

and put out there no hard feelings at least on my end, but I guess my silence in that I have not contacted her since, tells her that?

Your silence sends her the message that you do not give a shyte. It sends HER that message, which is all we're after. It does NOT mean that you don't (or do) give a shyte. ONLY that we do not, under any circumstances, let her know or think or feel or believe that you give a shyte.

 

To be clear...we do not want to come across like YOU give a shyte...EVEN IF you actually do. (Please confirm that you got that right!!!! No...just kidding...you actually do NOT owe to me to confirm (or deny) anything at all. SEE? I do not give a shyte. That is how to do that.)

Yes! I know that I can refrain from doing this and see where I'm at a month from now.

Is that your promise and commitment to me, then??? (Cos I am seriously gonna hold you to it. I am gonna put it on my calendar/schedule thing, and check up on you!!!)

I may have met someone new by then.

Revision to your commitment to me is now required and requested. It is NOT about you getting caught up in new feelings about some new person. It is about you coming to grips with your old feelings about the prior person.

 

I'm not saying don't start dating -- no worries, I won't feel jealous or do you any drama or anything ) -- but it's just not about overlaying your remaining "stuff" about this old one with some new one. (I thought you said that you have GROWN???)

Dumbass, do NOT let me down now. Cos I swear I'll come over there...

[dumbass2]

Her answer is clear. She did not answer two voicemails. Trust me, she does not care if you have changed. Exes don't care if you have changed. I don't even understand what you did wrong. You are taking a lot of blame that doesn't seem necessary. Lack of experience was your fault? WTF?

 

I made some choices in life (work,family), some really were no choice, and I really hadn't dated much or been in relationships for quite a while and i am in my 40's. I did make her aware of my lack of recent experience. i think she tried putting up with it for a while but maybe she was in the end looking for a more experienced man that she didn't have to go through the learning curves with. I see now what i missed and should have done and need to do going forward with anyone if I want to have a good relationship. She didn't give much help and I see now mostly just some games and hints she would give but never did she say anything to me. She did say that she wasn't sure what she was looking for but i take that now as it just wasn't me. i think she knows what she wants and it wasn't me because she felt I didn't treat her like she should have been treated by a man, but she told me that i am a good, warm, honest, sincere man. i never cheated, never abusive, no drugs, basically she told me at one point there were no deal breakers and same with me. I do wish i had been meeting her now. Things would have been different. I would have put my foot down on some stuff and things may have ended sooner or got a lot better. I had issues near the end expressing my feelings and being emotional about issues with her. I really couldn't see the errors of my ways until I had time away from the relationship and see the missed signs and opportunities as well as the red flags.

[Ronni_W]

Oh my good god, dumbass.

Please, please, PLEASE. Based on your most recent response to BC1980. PLEASE just email her with a more-or-less what I said 600 posts ago. You are in your 40s, for goodness' sake. I am closer to (and more than) that. And I am a woman. Honestly it felt like you are a teenager!

 

For the love of Earth humanity, PLEASE just show a tiny little bit of courage (balls).

 

If it does not turn out for you as I am really, really, really hoping that it will. It's still called courage.

If you want, send me a private message.

[dumbass2]

Um...so you want to contact her to tell her that you "got it" that you, um, shouldn't have contacted her at the time that you contacted her because it was too soon??? (Did I get that right??? If so...it must be my old age and the mental "issues" that go along with old age. Yes?)

 

Um...so you're feeling like a dumbass and you want to do an, er-um, dumbass thing...with the hope that that is gonna help you to not feel like such a dumbass??? (Did I get that right???)

 

Your silence sends her the message that you do not give a shyte. It sends HER that message, which is all we're after. It does NOT mean that you don't (or do) give a shyte. ONLY that we do not, under any circumstances, let her know or think or feel or believe that you give a shyte.

 

To be clear...we do not want to come across like YOU give a shyte...EVEN IF you actually do. (Please confirm that you got that right!!!! No...just kidding...you actually do NOT owe to me to confirm (or deny) anything at all. SEE? I do not give a shyte. That is how to do that.)

 

Is that your promise and commitment to me, then??? (Cos I am seriously gonna hold you to it. I am gonna put it on my calendar/schedule thing, and check up on you!!!)

 

Revision to your commitment to me is now required and requested. It is NOT about you getting caught up in new feelings about some new person. It is about you coming to grips with your old feelings about the prior person.

 

I'm not saying don't start dating -- no worries, I won't feel jealous or do you any drama or anything ) -- but it's just not about overlaying your remaining "stuff" about this old one with some new one. (I thought you said that you have GROWN???)

Dumbass, do NOT let me down now. Cos I swear I'll come over there...

 

Yes, I am clear. At this point, with what I've done already, there is no sense in trying to contact her again. I've done that already and got no response. I still give a little shyte, but don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I still do.

 

See, I'm pretty quick!

 

I'm not looking to rush into a relationship. Not fair to me or the other person, but I do think i'm at a point to start doing a little dating. i think that it will help.

 

i will check back on here in a month and report how things are progressing and sooner if something happens on her end, but for me, i'm done right now and maybe forever with this one (fingers crossed)

[Ronni_W]

i will check back on here in a month and report how things are progressing and sooner if something happens on her end, but for me, i'm done right now and maybe forever with this one (fingers crossed)

I'm gonna hold you to that, then. (Fair enough?)

 

But I'm also gonna stick with what I said above...post #46 I think. (I think there is not only ONE "right" or "wrong" way to look at your situation.)

 

In any case. I do know that it's challenging. Big hugs.

[dumbass2]

I'm gonna hold you to that, then. (Fair enough?)

 

But I'm also gonna stick with what I said above...post #46 I think. (I think there is not only ONE "right" or "wrong" way to look at your situation.)

 

In any case. I do know that it's challenging. Big hugs.

 

Hey Ronni,

 

please let me know if you got my private message I sent you

[BC1980]

Oh my good god, dumbass.

Please, please, PLEASE. Based on your most recent response to BC1980. PLEASE just email her with a more-or-less what I said 600 posts ago. You are in your 40s, for goodness' sake. I am closer to (and more than) that. And I am a woman. Honestly it felt like you are a teenager!

 

For the love of Earth humanity, PLEASE just show a tiny little bit of courage (balls).

 

If it does not turn out for you as I am really, really, really hoping that it will. It's still called courage.

If you want, send me a private message.

 

Are you saying OP should contact her for the third time? He's contacted her twice and gotten no response.