Lost and I don't know how to find myself

[Emma1234]

Hey,

 

I think I'm going through something right now. In the past year and a half I have been through 2 break ups (one from a long term 3 year relationship, another from an intense relationship that ended due to him getting a dream job and moving to a different country).

 

So that has been tough but bearable.

 

The thing is I just don't know who I am. There are so many emotions going on at the moment that I (and I hate to sound cliche) but lost. I don't know what I like, I can't figure out if I like what I look like or what I want to do with my life.

 

I've changed so much in the past year from being this shy, innocent looking, nice person and yet even though I appear to be like that now I don't want to be like that! I feel trapped! I despise looking innocent, I am shy but that's because it's my way of getting to know people, when I know them I get so close to people but i want to be outgoing and know how to say all of the right things in large social situations! I just feel like I'm growing but i can't quite become the person I want to be.

 

As for appearance, people say I'm pretty and attractive but that doesn't feel so important to me anymore, the last guy I was with was so unusual and so my type that I never felt good enough, as though I wasn't unusual enough, plus he also liked brunettes and I have practically silver hair. Stupid thoughts I know but i can't talk to them about anyone without it seeming petty and embarrassing.

 

Anyone else know how it feels or have any advice?

 

Oh i'm also panicking about jobs, I'm about to head into my last year of uni with no clear idea about what I want to do, and this guy just got the best job ever in another amazing country so I feel like I want to match that for myself and yet the job market is so hard anyway just to get one in this country!

 

Thank you to anyone who replies, every little bit of wisdom helps xx

[d0nnivain]

Breathe!

 

You don't have to figure everything out by the time you graduate.

 

As you do enter the workforce your world view & your style of dress will change & mature.

 

For now, perhaps talk to some of the guidance counselors at school & the placement department. It's never too early to start job hunting for after graduation. Make sure your cover letter states that you are looking for a job after graduation.

[Emma1234]

Thank you, I know it sounds ridiculous, it's just all of the thoughts running around and building up in my head. They're such small things but together they feel like they're dictating everything

[d0nnivain]

I cried constantly during my last year of undergrad because I was so stressed out about the future.

 

It's a scary time in anybody's life. You will get through it. Reach out for help & don't isolate yourself. Many of your peers have similar concerns. Older siblings have been through it.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

i am shy as well... my ldr is too. if we had met earlier in person in life, we'd probably miss seeig what we had that counted. in fact i find it hard to believe we still have what we held onto as important to ourselves, even if it ment being something we were not.

 

since i am a man, i had to give in to how peeps precieved me, or be considard gay. believe me, i had a female co-worker who i shared time with off hours. we never dated just peeps going out after work. she asked if i was gay, like wtf, we are not dating. i guess my shyness leaves peeps thinking i have no interests. just they don't see themselves as interesting and push physical attributes which i am not so interested in. yes, i pretended to be interested just so i can be accepted, and find a relationship like everyone else. So, it hurt not having anyone understand me when being so open during the relationship. being accused of an affair, to being accused of being controlling. i guess it does not matter who you are to others, but there are others who will see you for what you are, even if your hiding. they are few, but once found should allow shedding yer fake skin to relase you.

 

 

I was fortunate to find my mate when i had given up. in giving up, i was able to say f' it and allow what happens happen under the simplest terms. letting go and sharing my fears. then trust blossemed, and one by one every issue that i had packed away had surfaced to be kicked asside. now that i am whole again, i wont let peeps i don't trust ever make me change who i am to be accepted. so i be all to myself here, but will share as i feel. you have the ability to dig deep and accept the mistakes in your past, and tell yourself no more, and promise not to hold onto them, as they are holding you back.

 

 

good luck, and there are good men out there... just keep to your values and the good ones will show you by caring and doing you right without pushing you, unless you are stumpling at making your baby steps to find your love again.

Edited September 5, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[I am Bud]

Dear Emma1234

 

The suggestions and observations that d0nnivain have made are excellent. Being that you are still trying to re-organize yourself into a stronger version of yourself, might i suggest that you experiment firstly with the way that you look. There are any number of things that you can do with your hair, makeup and dress that will make you feel different about yourself. It will be just a matter of trying things out until you have figured out the style that best expresses yourself.

 

In regards to other people finding great jobs, do not worry about that because if you concentrate on events that you have no control over then it will do your head in. You yourself have unique qualities and talents that will be recognized by the correct employer. I'm sure that there must be a few jobs that you are interested in that you might feel are too competitive to get into but don't let that deter you. Get your CV in order and see if you can start applying for jobs this year. I think that once you have had a few interviews under your belt before you leave college you are going to be that much more confident by the time that you graduate. Since this will be training for interviews, you don't have to actually go for the jobs that you really want so apply for anything to get better at communicating with employers.

 

Although you don't like your sweet innocent look it's probably something that guys find really attractive and go for. That is the type of girl that they want to introduce to there parents so to speak. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you choose a style that best expresses yourself. Do not adopt one because you think that it will attract a certain type of guy because that would just be futile. Be kind to yourself and learn to love who you are as you are going through this growth period. You can be your best ally or worst enemy. Don't hate yourself but choose to be your best friend because once you do, you can achieve anything.

 

All the best - Bud.

Edited September 5, 2014 by I am Bud

[Mr Scorpio]

In regard to career options, make use of every service that your school has to offer. If you haven't secured/completed an internship/externship yet, do so. If you have time to volunteer, do so. You might find that volunteering helps you discover what you like and who you are.

 

 

In regard to your appearance, silver hair sounds interesting and awesome! Not to mention unusual. Also, there is nothing wrong with looking innocent. Better to look innocent and reveal that you aren't to the right people than the other way around.

 

 

On top of what everyone else has suggested, let me add exercise. Feeling overwhelmed? Having trouble focusing and/or sleeping? Exercise.

[Emma1234]

Thank you for your replies everyone.

 

You're completely right I am Bud. It's almost like I've never truly found me and just been trying to fit to other peoples ideals, and yet I still don't know how to find me. I definitely need to start with the way I look, the thing is I don't know how, I'm not brilliant with clothes or hair/make up. I've always preferred people who look natural and so I suppose I focus on that, but then I know I suit blonde hair so I highlight my (naturally dark blonde/light brown) hair to a very blonde, whitish sort of colour (not in a fake way, everyone comments on how it looks natural), and yet it feels kind of standard like everyone else has it too. By silvery, I suppsose i meant just very blonde, I've considered going actual silver to try and feel a bit more unusual but then there is the issue of roots and moving further away from natural. Sorry I know I'm rambling and everything I'm saying seems immature and ridiculous, but I think if i can just find myself appearance wise, the confidence and the shyness will balance out. I don't know.

 

Clothes wise I have no idea, no idea what I like. I think I'm glad I'm single now though because normally I focus what I wear and look like on my partner (subconsciously) and I think my previous partner has triggered all of this because I began to question things about myself.

 

Thank you for the job advice, it was excellent, I suppose at least I have another year to figure a few things out, i just need to relax and breathe. The only thing I know I love is traveling so if I still haven't figured it out I can turn to that.

 

Thank you all for the innocent comments, I suppose it just makes me feel silly sometimes. Exercise sounds like an amazing idea Mr Scorpio, I'm starting kick-boxing and joining a gym soon so that should boost things.

 

I know all of these things I'm moaning about are small and I know I'll be fine. They're just things that have been building for years, I haven't been single since i was 14 other than a few months! And now I'm nearly 21, so maybe now is my time to focus purely on myself and my like and dislikes.

 

Another thank you, it's good to just get feedback with someone and not be embarrassed about saying these things x

[I am Bud]

Dear Emma1234

 

That is the beauty of retail therapy, nobody knows what they are looking for and what they like until they see it and try it on. Grab a trustworthy friend who can give you an honest opinion and just go for it. Look at some fashion magazines and even talk to the sales assistants if need be. I have no doubt that once you try some things on that you will be able to determine what looks good on you or not. Try on anything and everything and don't be afraid to experiment. Even trying on the worst piece of clothing in the store will give you information on what you don't like. Think about colors because you will lean towards certain colors over others. Think about the purpose of the item of clothing, whether you are looking for something smart and formal for interviews, casual wear, home wear?! If you have the colour of your hair decided then have you thought of cutting it at different lengths? If you have always had long hair then maybe short hair might be the way to go? If all else fails why not ask your hairdresser to see what they can do to style it differently?!

 

Nothing you have said has been immature or ridiculous. From what you have posted on this thread you sound like a very intelligent young woman who is asking all the right questions about her life. It seems like you are on the cusp of becoming the woman that you want to be and it's exciting times ahead for you. It's an absolutely excellent idea to give yourself some time to focus on yourself and find out who you are and what you like and don't like. Starting kickboxing and gym sounds like a great idea and you should also travel if you like that too. If you love it then you should definitely go for it because it will also help you to grow as a person. If you are able to take the time now, to grow as an individual and then enter a relationship with the strongest version of yourself, then you will be able to handle anything. You won't be entering into a relationship because of the need to be with someone but because you chose to be with them. You will know that even if they are not in your life, you will be able to survive because you were strong before you met them.

 

All the best - Bud.

[Mr Scorpio]

They're just things that have been building for years, I haven't been single since i was 14 other than a few months! And now I'm nearly 21, so maybe now is my time to focus purely on myself and my like and dislikes.

 

Yikes. I say if someone comes along who really knocks your socks off then go for it. Otherwise, I wouldn't focus any energy on dating. Sounds like you could use a single sabbatical.