Physical abuse/Disease/Not allowed to do anything

[Zoeva]

Hi guys

 

Might be a long story but bear with me.

 

When I hit puberty, hell hit as well. I got my epilepsy diagnosis and with that school went crazy terrible bad and my parents started deciding everything for me, even switching me from the school I was in to another one that was "better". This was during December so I went to this new school and I just had no friends, nothing. The bullying started, bad grades were still there and with that the abuse started.

 

With each degree report that was bad I would get hit really bad. I'm not even talking about just a little smack against the face. My mother would use sticks, brooms, belts, throw anything she could find at me etc. There would be days where she would regret it the next day and tell me she is sorry but usually it was me that always had to apologize. Don't even ask me for what.

 

To this point I'm 23 and at my 19 I got the shattering diagnosis of MS. To this day I still can't believe I really have this disease. At this point it's being treated with medication that could potentially kill me. There is a 1/1000 change that I can catch a bad brain infection which is deadly. The medication itself is awesome though, have been pretty stable these last years.

 

Anyway because of all these things I just would like to enjoy my life, enjoy my life without having too much of physical problems and just do my thing. Enjoy my life while I can still take this medication and while my MS is behaving. My parents however won't let me, I can't go on a holiday with friends, it's even hard for me to ask if I can go to a theme park. My mother is the one that is very adequate about this, she does not want me to sleep somewhere, scared that I will sleep at a boy or whatever.

 

I'm 23 but I feel like I'm 13 again, the more I rebel the more we get into fights and the more my siblings take her side. I have a boyfriend who completely supports me and tells me every day that I am more than welcome to move to him. However I just can't. My mother is very hypochondriac and I think that if I were to leave she might do something to herself. I also don't want to upset my father.

 

I just don't know what to do?! In September I will have my MS check up and it might very well be that I will have to stop on the medication that I'm getting right now because of the brain infection risk. If that were the case I would get all the relapses that have been blocked these last years in 1 shot. My life would be shattered. My parents don't even recognize the fact that I have MS. If I come home and tell them my legs are difficult to move they will tell me I shouldn't have shopped that day with that certain person. Oh yes shopping is something I'm allowed to do at my age lol.

 

I don't know what I want to achieve with this topic, but what would you do if you were in my spot? Is there someone that understands why my parents are like this?

[amaysngrace]

You can leave whenever you want to. You're 23.

 

Your mom treated like you like crap your whole life so why would you expect her to be happy that you're going on a vacation?

 

Do you live in the United States?

[Zoeva]

I just find it so bizarre that I have a mother that doesn't support me or doesn't want to see me happy. As if she hates me? She will tell me she did supported me and that I'm being ungrateful because she paid my school fees. But it doesn't work like that, that's money however I keep hearing that argument.

 

Just leaving because I'm 23 unfortunately does not work like that in our family, but I've just had it tbh. I'm from Europe btw, which you can probably tell by my horrendous English lol. Apologies in advance

[Ronni_W]

I just find it so bizarre that I have a mother that doesn't support me or doesn't want to see me happy. As if she hates me?

The problem is...your mother thinks that she IS supporting you to be happy. I'd strongly suspect that she is acting from LOVE and not from hate.

 

It's more along the lines of thinking (and saying), "Mom, I know that you love me and want what's best for me...but what you are doing is the opposite of that. I know that I have medical/physical problems but, as of right now, those do not 'condemn' me to the kind of life that you seem to want me to live. Can we work something out like two adults -- which I am an adult -- that will keep me safe AND also allow me to experience all of life that I am capable of experiencing?"

 

Your parents also are clueless as to what is their role, or how to act, so they've "defaulted" to over-protective and total control. It's also their way of coping for lack of having any better, more positive or functional coping skills. Is there a support group that you can join? And/or one for parents/caregivers? It does not have to be specific to MS or epilepsy...any life-changing condition or illness will do. Research online.

 

Obviously you do deserve to have all the freedom possible. Your mom may not be realizing that she is "holding you captive" in a way...but not because she hates you or wants to keep you hostage or wants you to be unhappy. If you can help her find better ways to cope with her own fears, concerns, anxiety, even guilt, it may open-up different ways for her to see your own point of view.

 

Hugs and best.

 

PS - you're English is perfect...so much better than loads of 23-year olds' here in Canada

[Zoeva]

The problem is...your mother thinks that she IS supporting you to be happy. I'd strongly suspect that she is acting from LOVE and not from hate.

 

It's more along the lines of thinking (and saying), "Mom, I know that you love me and want what's best for me...but what you are doing is the opposite of that. I know that I have medical/physical problems but, as of right now, those do not 'condemn' me to the kind of life that you seem to want me to live. Can we work something out like two adults -- which I am an adult -- that will keep me safe AND also allow me to experience all of life that I am capable of experiencing?"

 

Your parents also are clueless as to what is their role, or how to act, so they've "defaulted" to over-protective and total control. It's also their way of coping for lack of having any better, more positive or functional coping skills. Is there a support group that you can join? And/or one for parents/caregivers? It does not have to be specific to MS or epilepsy...any life-changing condition or illness will do. Research online.

 

Obviously you do deserve to have all the freedom possible. Your mom may not be realizing that she is "holding you captive" in a way...but not because she hates you or wants to keep you hostage or wants you to be unhappy. If you can help her find better ways to cope with her own fears, concerns, anxiety, even guilt, it may open-up different ways for her to see your own point of view.

 

Hugs and best.

 

PS - you're English is perfect...so much better than loads of 23-year olds' here in Canada

 

I have had a mature conversation with her multiple times, explaining my situation, telling her that I understand her etc. It just makes her really mad and she doesn't understand why I want to travel or do fun things at all. She also said that the fact that I'm sick does not mean that she should change the rules (or let's say their norms and values) for me. She doesn't want to make an exception for me. The rules in their household are simple, I can only go on a holiday when I get married and have a husband to do these things with. It's pretty mind blowing how conservative my parents are.

 

Tbh I don't feel like joining a support group, it's just not my cup of tea. I'm an introvert and I think I'd start laughing manically if I were to join such group lol. Same for my parents and I don't feel that it should be my role to tell them that there are support groups that they can join if they feel like it. They are old enough, if they are interested in my health or our relationship they should find such things on their own.

 

Yesterday I came home after getting my exam results and both my parents weren't interested. Told them I had passed everything and the first thing my mother said is that she wanted to see the prove first. No congrats nothing. At this point I'm just sick of it and I just see no other option than leaving this house and finally start my life. I'm not their dog and most of the times I feel I'm a dog or slave to them. Obey, obey, obey and live the life that THEY want for me. Not what I want.

[TAV]

First of all, I'm sorry life has dealt you such a bad set of cards. On top of the abuse you are suffering with serious health problems. Life is so unfair sometimes. I am hopeful though when I read between the lines that you have a zest for life and have not let your burdens get you completely down. I truly admire that.

 

I'm not sure which part of Europe you are from that you have so little say over your life at age 23? Is this a country where Islam is the main religion?

 

In any case, I can tell you that you will never understand why your mother treats you the way she does because it is not in your DNA (so to speak ) If you ever have children of your own you will understand it even less, trust me. Unfortunately you have to accept the fact that she does and that it is not your role to 'cure' her, help her see it differently, change her personality or stay in that household to compensate for whatever misery she experienced in her own life. You can waste the next 20 years of your life trying to do that but I can predict now that it won't have the desired effect UNLESS your mother seeks counseling herself and works on herself on her own accord.

 

You only have one life to live, you deserve more than this physical and emotional neglect and abuse. You are lucky that you have a place to go to; your boyfriend. Most of us who find themselves in your situation have to break free and build a life on their own. And guess what? They manage. You are going to be alright.

 

As far as the boyfriend goes; be careful not to go from your parents to a similar sort of relationship with him. It is a mistake that a lot of abused girls make. Don't exchange one evil for another.

 

P.S. Congrats on your exam results; well done!! See, I told you you can accomplish anything you want

[amaysngrace]

I think you should go live with your BF. If your mom takes out her anger on herself then it's better she takes it out on herself than on you.

 

I know you don't want to upset your father but this is your life. You only have one.

 

And with your health issues I wouldn't wait to live your life. You already have problems with leg pain now and this may be the best you're ever going to feel. You don't want to wait ten years from now and then have regrets. I don't blame you.

 

Your parents lack of interest in your high grades must have been devastating. Especially knowing how your mom has reacted in the past when your grades were less than good.

 

If I were you I'd give it a try to go live with your boyfriend. Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and wishing for a different outcome.

 

Living there is driving you mad. Figure out a way to leave and don't talk about it with them until you're walking out the door.

 

Go be happy.

[Georgia2014]

Hi guys

 

Might be a long story but bear with me.

 

When I hit puberty, hell hit as well. I got my epilepsy diagnosis and with that school went crazy terrible bad and my parents started deciding everything for me, even switching me from the school I was in to another one that was "better". This was during December so I went to this new school and I just had no friends, nothing. The bullying started, bad grades were still there and with that the abuse started.

 

With each degree report that was bad I would get hit really bad. I'm not even talking about just a little smack against the face. My mother would use sticks, brooms, belts, throw anything she could find at me etc. There would be days where she would regret it the next day and tell me she is sorry but usually it was me that always had to apologize. Don't even ask me for what.

 

To this point I'm 23 and at my 19 I got the shattering diagnosis of MS. To this day I still can't believe I really have this disease. At this point it's being treated with medication that could potentially kill me. There is a 1/1000 change that I can catch a bad brain infection which is deadly. The medication itself is awesome though, have been pretty stable these last years.

 

Anyway because of all these things I just would like to enjoy my life, enjoy my life without having too much of physical problems and just do my thing. Enjoy my life while I can still take this medication and while my MS is behaving. My parents however won't let me, I can't go on a holiday with friends, it's even hard for me to ask if I can go to a theme park. My mother is the one that is very adequate about this, she does not want me to sleep somewhere, scared that I will sleep at a boy or whatever.

 

I'm 23 but I feel like I'm 13 again, the more I rebel the more we get into fights and the more my siblings take her side. I have a boyfriend who completely supports me and tells me every day that I am more than welcome to move to him. However I just can't. My mother is very hypochondriac and I think that if I were to leave she might do something to herself. I also don't want to upset my father.

 

I just don't know what to do?! In September I will have my MS check up and it might very well be that I will have to stop on the medication that I'm getting right now because of the brain infection risk. If that were the case I would get all the relapses that have been blocked these last years in 1 shot. My life would be shattered. My parents don't even recognize the fact that I have MS. If I come home and tell them my legs are difficult to move they will tell me I shouldn't have shopped that day with that certain person. Oh yes shopping is something I'm allowed to do at my age lol.

 

I don't know what I want to achieve with this topic, but what would you do if you were in my spot? Is there someone that understands why my parents are like this?

 

Your parents sound horrible. You are grown if your boyfriend wants you to move in with him and if you want to you should. You are an adult you should not let your parents control you. My parents try to control me due to my bipolar. I don't let them control me I do what I want. I always do what I want even if it makes them mad. It's my life to live not theirs. I think that is how you should see it.

 

If your heartless mother hurts herself by you moving it's her problem & choice. She hurt you for years on purpose her safety is not your responsibility it's your Dad's responsibility. Did your Dad know she hit you for years? I'm sure he had to know. He didn't care about the fact you were being hurt for years so why should you care about hurting him? Your parents get what they deserve. Move out & don't look back.

Edited September 6, 2014 by Georgia2014

[preraph]

You need to get out of that house. No more abuse. Forget what your mother needs. She is an adult and if she can manage you, she can manage herself. It's your life not hers. Chances are she's getting some extra money for you living there and that's the real reason she wants you there. Cut that off and you need to talk to social services so they can set you up and you get any available funds and also you really ought to report her past abuse.

[Zoeva]

 

I'm not sure which part of Europe you are from that you have so little say over your life at age 23? Is this a country where Islam is the main religion?

 

You only have one life to live, you deserve more than this physical and emotional neglect and abuse. You are lucky that you have a place to go to; your boyfriend. Most of us who find themselves in your situation have to break free and build a life on their own. And guess what? They manage. You are going to be alright.

 

As far as the boyfriend goes; be careful not to go from your parents to a similar sort of relationship with him. It is a mistake that a lot of abused girls make. Don't exchange one evil for another.

 

P.S. Congrats on your exam results; well done!! See, I told you you can accomplish anything you want

 

Thank you so much! I actually live in Holland but my boyfriend is from Belgium so it kind of complicates everything. Especially with my disease as far as medication and insurance goes, it's just not as easy to just move to him. As far as my relationship with him goes, he is a sweetheart but he gets irritated really fast but that's really the only downside I can think about.

 

My parents are "muslims" yes but they seem to only follow the rules when they want to. Which can get really frustrated as they come off as really kind free minded people but when there is something that doesn't float their boat they will give you arguments from the Islam that aren't even completely true.

 

I think you should go live with your BF. If your mom takes out her anger on herself then it's better she takes it out on herself than on you.

 

I know you don't want to upset your father but this is your life. You only have one.

 

And with your health issues I wouldn't wait to live your life. You already have problems with leg pain now and this may be the best you're ever going to feel. You don't want to wait ten years from now and then have regrets. I don't blame you.

 

Your parents lack of interest in your high grades must have been devastating. Especially knowing how your mom has reacted in the past when your grades were less than good.

 

If I were you I'd give it a try to go live with your boyfriend. Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and wishing for a different outcome.

 

Living there is driving you mad. Figure out a way to leave and don't talk about it with them until you're walking out the door.

 

Go be happy.

 

Thanks, your comment made me laugh! I completely agree with you that living here is driving me mad and that I should be able to live my life without restrictions. Haa I'll have to try to break free from them!

 

Your parents sound horrible. You are grown if your boyfriend wants you to move in with him and if you want to you should. You are an adult you should not let your parents control you. My parents try to control me due to my bipolar. I don't let them control me I do what I want. I always do what I want even if it makes them mad. It's my life to live not theirs. I think that is how you should see it.

 

If your heartless mother hurts herself by you moving it's her problem & choice. She hurt you for years on purpose her safety is not your responsibility it's your Dad's responsibility. Did your Dad know she hit you for years? I'm sure he had to know. He didn't care about the fact you were being hurt for years so why should you care about hurting him? Your parents get what they deserve. Move out & don't look back.

 

My dad would actually help my mother if he saw (or heard) that she was losing her **** on me. Usually she would scream that he had to help and he certainly did because he was scared that she would faint or get something else severe. So him beating me would help to calm her down. But if my father would beat me I knew it was serious business, he would beat me like no other. It's really bizarre how something like that goes, imagine a grown adult man beating a 13 year old child. There were days the bruising was so bad I couldn't even dress myself.

 

And even though they all did this I still love them, my mother has to this day "apologized" that she abused me when I was younger. She said she wasn't acting right but that she was different in those days. Few months back however she hit me for the first time as an adult and that's when I started packing my things. My parents both came to my room and begged me to stay so I did. It's weird how children can be so so obedient to their parents even though they have been abused by them.

 

You need to get out of that house. No more abuse. Forget what your mother needs. She is an adult and if she can manage you, she can manage herself. It's your life not hers. Chances are she's getting some extra money for you living there and that's the real reason she wants you there. Cut that off and you need to talk to social services so they can set you up and you get any available funds and also you really ought to report her past abuse.

 

Yup agree! I never thought about the money aspect actually, it could very well be that but I doubt it. It's more that she doesn't want to see me with a boy or stay at a man's house without me being married. Even though she has said multiple times I can get engaged with my boyfriend, she keeps changing her mind. As if it all is about her. Maybe she still sees me as a child or something.

 

I won't report the abuse, what's in the past is in the past. My mother has had a terrible life as a child as well so I guess she was acting because she didn't knew any better. Besides, I have other siblings that need their parents, I'm not going to take their parents away from them for my own good.

 

Thanks for all the comments guys, helps me to really think this through!

[TAV]

Your sense of responsibility towards your family as a whole is commendable.

 

I'm from Holland too. I know that for women with your background the family and community bonds are much stronger and a very important part of your identity. It helps me understand a bit more why you are so hesitant to break free. On the other hand you live in a country where everything is possible and help is available. For both your medical issues ánd your domestic issues. I hope you have a Dutch passport?

 

Please check these websites:

 

Nieuws - Huiselijk Geweld

 

Vrouwen - Zelfhulporganisaties - Netherlands Wiki

 

If not now than during the other times you are fed up and are looking for a way out.

 

I understand your medical issues and your bf living in Belgium pose a whole set of new issues to deal with but I have friends who go for treatment in Belgium because the waiting lists are shorter than in Holland and the Dutch insurance pays those costs. At least try to contact your health insurance and have a clear idea of what is possible or not. You do not have to do anything but at least you have all the facts then.

 

Even if in your culture it is common practice to have the permission from your mom/dad to get engaged or married it is not needed by law, neither in Belgium nor in Holland. You are an adult in the eyes of the law, you can do anything you want. I understand you would rather do it the traditional way but it is good to keep that in the back of your mind.

 

I have to be honest with you and the story about your father helping your mom to beat you up really shocked me. He is not a victim like you. You were a child. He was a consenting adult. You are the only victim here.

 

Are your siblings being abused too? If so, how do you feel about that? Don't you want to protect them? I know you think taking away the home you have now from you or them is the worst thing you can do but it does not have to come so far. Maybe your mom and dad just need help in dealing with things. Maybe life can be turned for the better. For you and your siblings.

[mrs rubble]

I think you really need to consider what this abuse has done to you.

In your last post you basically forgive your mother and make excuses for your father abusing you.

Don't you realize that "your mum's terrible childhood" is where she learned to abuse you?

How are you going to discipline your own children when you've never been shown a non abusive way how to? You'll probably in the heat of the moment resort to violence yourself and continue the cycle, like your mum has.

 

My ex-hubby was diagnosed with epilepsy at age 13 after a car accident. The neurologist said it was a blow to the head that caused the epilepsy.

Maybe a blow to the head caused yours too??

 

Things really need to change for everyones sake.

[Zoeva]

Your sense of responsibility towards your family as a whole is commendable.

 

I'm from Holland too. I know that for women with your background the family and community bonds are much stronger and a very important part of your identity. It helps me understand a bit more why you are so hesitant to break free. On the other hand you live in a country where everything is possible and help is available. For both your medical issues ánd your domestic issues. I hope you have a Dutch passport?

 

Please check these websites:

 

Nieuws - Huiselijk Geweld

 

Vrouwen - Zelfhulporganisaties - Netherlands Wiki

 

If not now than during the other times you are fed up and are looking for a way out.

 

I understand your medical issues and your bf living in Belgium pose a whole set of new issues to deal with but I have friends who go for treatment in Belgium because the waiting lists are shorter than in Holland and the Dutch insurance pays those costs. At least try to contact your health insurance and have a clear idea of what is possible or not. You do not have to do anything but at least you have all the facts then.

 

Even if in your culture it is common practice to have the permission from your mom/dad to get engaged or married it is not needed by law, neither in Belgium nor in Holland. You are an adult in the eyes of the law, you can do anything you want. I understand you would rather do it the traditional way but it is good to keep that in the back of your mind.

 

I have to be honest with you and the story about your father helping your mom to beat you up really shocked me. He is not a victim like you. You were a child. He was a consenting adult. You are the only victim here.

 

Are your siblings being abused too? If so, how do you feel about that? Don't you want to protect them? I know you think taking away the home you have now from you or them is the worst thing you can do but it does not have to come so far. Maybe your mom and dad just need help in dealing with things. Maybe life can be turned for the better. For you and your siblings.

 

Yeah I have a Dutch passport. It's very hard to get away from this culture especially when you have learned all the time that supporting your parents should be number 1. So if I were to leave it feels like I'm disappointing my parents and not treating them well.

 

My siblings actually are not being abused, my parents have changed a lot when I grew up and got a lot more relaxed. When it comes to me however as they abused me when I younger, it's just a lot easier to do it even when I'm older now because they were so used to it. And as someone else here said, in the heat of the moment my mother just goes bananas.

 

I think you really need to consider what this abuse has done to you.

In your last post you basically forgive your mother and make excuses for your father abusing you.

Don't you realize that "your mum's terrible childhood" is where she learned to abuse you?

How are you going to discipline your own children when you've never been shown a non abusive way how to? You'll probably in the heat of the moment resort to violence yourself and continue the cycle, like your mum has.

 

My ex-hubby was diagnosed with epilepsy at age 13 after a car accident. The neurologist said it was a blow to the head that caused the epilepsy.

Maybe a blow to the head caused yours too??

 

Things really need to change for everyones sake.

 

Oh I've been thinking about it yes, but I think the main difference is that I have learned from a young age that what they did to me was wrong. Completely wrong. My mother on the hand learned that it was the correct way to treat children that didn't listen, it was just what "everyone" did. I think that if the abuse did had an effect on me it would have shown on my boyfriend as well and I have never hit him, nor do I have the intent. But I pray that I will never ever hit my children in the heat of the moment because of the abuse. The cycle has to stop here.

 

There are many theories about the cause of my epilepsy, are you implying that it might be of one of my parents that hit me against the head or so? I don't really remember that though so I don't know... The theory that made the most sense is that the MS caused a lesion when I was 13 that therefore caused the epilepsy. Others say the epilepsy is because a hormonal imbalance (puberty) and I had 1 neurologist that also asked my parents if I had fallen on my head or so. Ohwell, I don't want to know the cause because I'll never find the truth so I don't really care.

 

Even if I were to leave now, how do I do it? Just close the door behind me and never look back? Leave a note? Tell them that I'm leaving? I just don't know.

[TAV]

I've been thinking about your last question; seems there is so much at play here, also with your background, why not try to find a therapist/counselor with your own background to help you through the process? The process of breaking free from the toxic relationship with your parents and still remaining in your community.

 

You can dress it up to your parents as if you need counseling for your many physical issues and how it affects your mental state. Maybe you can even make them believe it were your doctors coming up with that idea?

 

Do you have any friends apart from your bf who you can talk to about this?

 

Futhermore:

'When it comes to me however as they abused me when I younger, it's just a lot easier to do it even when I'm older now because they were so used to it. '

 

You have no idea, for an outsider, how shocking it is to read such things. Trust me, your situation is severe. Please take steps to help yourself.