I'm a jealous person. I always have been. Help!

[4yearstomuch]

So I know I'm a jealous person. I always have been. There is a back story to that but this will be long enough without going into it.

 

My fiance and I have had a wonderful 5 year relationship. In this time, we've been deeply in love, had a planned child and were scheduled to get married in 3 months. 1 week ago this all came crashing down.

 

When we first got together, I knew he had girl friends. He believes a man and a woman can be just friends. I simply do not believe it. I believe there is a sexual attraction between one or the other. This does not apply to all women. I've allowed him friendships with women before but some women just set me off. Let me say that I made this very clear from the first month we were together. I do not tolerate it. He had the choice to either accept this from the beginning or not be with me at all. He chose to be with me.

 

He respected me for five full years. Until about 2 months ago and here lies the problem. I never thought of him as a cheater ever. I trusted him fully with all my heart.

 

I became friends with a girl at work. Good friends. 24 year old, skinny good looking blonde girl. She is very promiscuous and has sex with all the fire fighters in our department. (to each his own) She became part of our circle. I even asked her to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. One night my fiance asked me if she could come over because she was stressed out and hadn't been sleeping. She needed to be with people instead of being alone. I was cool with that. He took her to the doctor while I was at work. I cooked her dinner when I got home. She fell asleep on our couch at 830 pm. I went to bed around 10. When I woke up in the morning, I walked out and found her sleeping on one end of the couch, and him sleeping on the other. I resisted the urge to kick her out of my house and chalked it up to me being jealous. I went to work, texted her in the morning and she never answered. At around 2pm, she texted me that she had just woke up. Soon followed by my fiance texting me. I found it very hard to believe she slept for 18 hours but whatever. My fiance and I talked about it the next day. I told him I was extremely uncomfortable with this situation. I wanted him to stay away from her. However I let it go completely and moved on with my wedding planning. Again, I realized that I am a jealous person and was trying to keep it under wraps.

 

Soon after that, the girl stopped texting me or hanging out with me. I found it odd but again didn't give it another thought.

 

During the next two months, my fiance and I started having problems. I was under a lot of stress with a promotion at work. Plus he didn't want a particular girl to be my maid of honor who has been my best friend for the last 9 years. I was struggling with this a lot and couldn't bring it up with him because he was being so stubborn about it. But either way, I kept on with my wedding planning.

 

Last Friday, he told me he was going out with some friends. Even though I'm a jealous person, I'm not a controlling one. I didn't think anything of it. 430 am rolls around and he is still not home. I was frantic. He's always home after the bars close. I called work (We are 911 dispatchers) to see if there was an accident on the major highway he would have taken home. They told me no. I called the friends he was with (no answer) I called hospitals etc. At 7am, a coworker called to tell me that he had been arrested for DUI. After a long moment of freaking out, I went to the sheriffs website. Low and behold, he was arrested 1 block from her house. On the complete OPPOSITE end of where he was supposed to be and even further from our home.

 

I bailed him out. I canceled our wedding. DUI's cost a lot of money apparently. All my wedding money gone.

 

He admitted to me that they text often. Almost every day. However he swears they are just friends. That he never had any feelings for her. He swears they never did anything physical. He tells me that his friends bailed early and he wasn't ready to be done drinking. She apparently invited him out for drinks. He claims he was only there for a half an hour. I have zero proof of this. She even texted me and went off on me for being insecure, childish and told me that I had caused all this myself. She was unapologetic in the least. I blocked her from my phone.

 

I thought I was starting to get past all this. Accept that maybe my jealous side was just taking over. I'm trying so hard to believe him. But tonight, he agreed to open his phone to me. I found several times where they had talked (not texted) on the phone for 2 hours at a time. Again, he claims that they were just talking about her relationship problems. I'm struggling so hard to believe they weren't at the very least, having an emotional affair. Which I think is worse than a physical one.

 

We have a child together. I've loved him for 5 years. I gave him everything I had. Now I can't decide if I'm being stupid and naive, or overly jealous and insecure. To make matters worse, we all work together in the same place. I have to see her every shift I work and it's been so hard.

 

He is taking FULL responsibility. He knows he hurt me. He's cut all contact with her and doing everything to keep me. He has revealed the truth about everything but maintains that they were just friends.

 

Please give me some neutral advice. Help me. I can't decide if I should leave or not. I don't want to make a mistake but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either. Should I throw everything away over this?

[skywriter]

911girl,

 

At the very least don't rush to the alter. Allow this situation with your "friend", to pass, give your boyfriend the opportunity to make amends and then proceed with your future together.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

So I know I'm a jealous person. I always have been. There is a back story to that but this will be long enough without going into it.

 

My fiance and I have had a wonderful 5 year relationship. In this time, we've been deeply in love, had a planned child and were scheduled to get married in 3 months. 1 week ago this all came crashing down.

 

When we first got together, I knew he had girl friends. He believes a man and a woman can be just friends. I simply do not believe it. I believe there is a sexual attraction between one or the other. This does not apply to all women. I've allowed him friendships with women before but some women just set me off. Let me say that I made this very clear from the first month we were together. I do not tolerate it. He had the choice to either accept this from the beginning or not be with me at all. He chose to be with me.

 

He respected me for five full years. Until about 2 months ago and here lies the problem. I never thought of him as a cheater ever. I trusted him fully with all my heart.

 

I became friends with a girl at work. Good friends. 24 year old, skinny good looking blonde girl. She is very promiscuous and has sex with all the fire fighters in our department. (to each his own) She became part of our circle. I even asked her to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. One night my fiance asked me if she could come over because she was stressed out and hadn't been sleeping. She needed to be with people instead of being alone. I was cool with that. He took her to the doctor while I was at work. I cooked her dinner when I got home. She fell asleep on our couch at 830 pm. I went to bed around 10. When I woke up in the morning, I walked out and found her sleeping on one end of the couch, and him sleeping on the other. I resisted the urge to kick her out of my house and chalked it up to me being jealous. I went to work, texted her in the morning and she never answered. At around 2pm, she texted me that she had just woke up. Soon followed by my fiance texting me. I found it very hard to believe she slept for 18 hours but whatever. My fiance and I talked about it the next day. I told him I was extremely uncomfortable with this situation. I wanted him to stay away from her. However I let it go completely and moved on with my wedding planning. Again, I realized that I am a jealous person and was trying to keep it under wraps.

 

Soon after that, the girl stopped texting me or hanging out with me. I found it odd but again didn't give it another thought.

 

During the next two months, my fiance and I started having problems. I was under a lot of stress with a promotion at work. Plus he didn't want a particular girl to be my maid of honor who has been my best friend for the last 9 years. I was struggling with this a lot and couldn't bring it up with him because he was being so stubborn about it. But either way, I kept on with my wedding planning.

 

Last Friday, he told me he was going out with some friends. Even though I'm a jealous person, I'm not a controlling one. I didn't think anything of it. 430 am rolls around and he is still not home. I was frantic. He's always home after the bars close. I called work (We are 911 dispatchers) to see if there was an accident on the major highway he would have taken home. They told me no. I called the friends he was with (no answer) I called hospitals etc. At 7am, a coworker called to tell me that he had been arrested for DUI. After a long moment of freaking out, I went to the sheriffs website. Low and behold, he was arrested 1 block from her house. On the complete OPPOSITE end of where he was supposed to be and even further from our home.

 

I bailed him out. I canceled our wedding. DUI's cost a lot of money apparently. All my wedding money gone.

 

He admitted to me that they text often. Almost every day. However he swears they are just friends. That he never had any feelings for her. He swears they never did anything physical. He tells me that his friends bailed early and he wasn't ready to be done drinking. She apparently invited him out for drinks. He claims he was only there for a half an hour. I have zero proof of this. She even texted me and went off on me for being insecure, childish and told me that I had caused all this myself. She was unapologetic in the least. I blocked her from my phone.

 

I thought I was starting to get past all this. Accept that maybe my jealous side was just taking over. I'm trying so hard to believe him. But tonight, he agreed to open his phone to me. I found several times where they had talked (not texted) on the phone for 2 hours at a time. Again, he claims that they were just talking about her relationship problems. I'm struggling so hard to believe they weren't at the very least, having an emotional affair. Which I think is worse than a physical one.

 

We have a child together. I've loved him for 5 years. I gave him everything I had. Now I can't decide if I'm being stupid and naive, or overly jealous and insecure. To make matters worse, we all work together in the same place. I have to see her every shift I work and it's been so hard.

 

He is taking FULL responsibility. He knows he hurt me. He's cut all contact with her and doing everything to keep me. He has revealed the truth about everything but maintains that they were just friends.

 

Please give me some neutral advice. Help me. I can't decide if I should leave or not. I don't want to make a mistake but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either. Should I throw everything away over this?

 

If you can't trust em now, then when will you trust???

 

Plenty of women can get by taking care of their child properly without being tied to marriage.

 

Rather see stability for you emotionally and find a new, than finding out 5 years down the road, your at the same cross roads.

 

This will be a slap on the wrist to him, if you don't put your foot down. If he truly loves you, being separated will not stop him from giving his best to win you back, or will just show how weak he really is.

[sagamore]

He's lying. They definitely had sex, or did something physical. You know it, deep down - don't you?

 

Yes, you have a child with this guy, but you're not married to him. Consider that a gift. I would move on. Very sorry this happened to you! You're stronger than you think, and you'll recover from this.

[HappyLove]

You didn't give the option of being plain ol' SMART!

 

First of all NEVER have a "friend" like that and bring them around your man, period.

 

You know something happened! He didn't even call you about the DUI because he was guilty about having just been with her.

 

How many more red flags do you need? You have common sense, use it! Don't be like those stupid women who marry "men" like this and two years later pretend they had no clue.

[ExpatInItaly]

Most of what you've described points to an emotional affair, if not a physical one. I would keep that wedding on hold. This isn't just your jealousy speaking - something is very off with this scenario and he isn't being honest.

[4yearstomuch]

Thank you all for your advice. I clearly have a very difficult road ahead of me. I'm glad it wasn't just my jealousy talking. Better to know 3 months before the wedding than 3 months after I suppose.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Although you are, as you acknowledge, a jealous person in general, I think you have good cause to be jealous about this situation. Sorry but if your guy is spending two hours at a time on the phone to this girl, he's falling for her or has already fallen for her, even if nothing physical has yet happened. I am a female and have several very good/best male friends, but I can't imagine a scenario in which I'd need to spend two hours on the phone to them at a time. If some really bad **** was going down I'd just go round to see them and their partner/wife and invite my partner too if he wanted to come. The long phone calls is really suspicious even to somebody not too jealous like myself.

 

Personally I'd cancel a wedding to somebody for a DUI even ignoring the rest of the relationship stuff. Who gets into a car, drunk, and drives while putting themselves and other people at risk? Somebody reckless who puts themselves first. I won't even move my car in a car park when I've had a drink, it's just a line you don't cross. I wouldn't want to be legally linked to somebody who had that kind of judgement on situations.

[GildedLily]

You're not being jealous, you don't believe his bull****, this was the wrong man to have a child with, I'm so sorry.

[Elle1975]

You know, I feel there's a difference between being jealous, and being a jealous control freak. And I don't think you are a jealous control freak. I think that you tried to counter your jealous side by being too permissive.

 

It's not good for your fiance to spend hours at a time on the phone with this girl, go out for drinks with her, hang out at her place, etc... The whole thing stinks.

 

Personally it would take me months (years?) to trust him again, and he'd have to show me he wants to be with me. It happened to me actually.. introduced a coworker to my bf at the time - a night out spent with my girlfriends to which he came. What a mistake. However, I believe if he was going to cheat, her or somebody else, it wouldn't have changed a thing.

 

With a child, I wouldn't throw away everything, but I sure as hell wouldn't keep on going like nothing happened.

[mickleb]

I'm afraid I sort-of agree with the other woman here that you are to blame, to some extent, for this situation. Not the entire situation, certainly. His sneaking around (and, yes, I think they got physical) is entirely his choice and his failing but I do think that, essentially, choosing who he could be friends with, from the start was ridiculously oppressive. Again, yes, he did know that about you and still chose to be with you. His responsibility. But that type of control is no foundation for a relationship of trust.

 

He played the 'nice guy' but, actually, couldn't hack it and ended up a sneak. I think it's going to be very hard for you to ever trust him now.

 

I'd suggest you get some counselling for your jealous tendencies. You've got to work those out. If you do think this can be salvaged, and can imagine getting to a place where you trust him completely, then try couples counselling. But I think you're both a bit too insecure as individuals for this to ever get back on track again.

[Spectre]

When we first got together, I knew he had girl friends. He believes a man and a woman can be just friends. I simply do not believe it.

 

I more or less agree. At least, I don't think men and women can be the type of friends who hang out a lot if one of them is in a relationship. It is just someone begging for drama.

 

I've allowed him friendships with women before but some women just set me off. Let me say that I made this very clear from the first month we were together. I do not tolerate it. He had the choice to either accept this from the beginning or not be with me at all. He chose to be with me.

 

I first want to say I do feel your fiance has done a lot of wrong, so I don't want you to think I am saying he is innocent here, but just from your post I can tell this isn't all one sided. Look at what you said: you "allowed" him friendships with women before. Just look at the way you phrased it sounds controlling. I think people have to be careful. Like I said though, I agree with the whole thing about how men and women being friends while also dating other people, the thing is to not come off as controlling.

 

For instance, I would never tell a woman what she is or is not allowed to do. On the other hand, I have no problem being up front with her and letting her know what types of behavior turn me off. So if she wanted to be doing what your guy is doing..I'd say she can do what she wants, but so can I, and I have the right to choose the type of person I want to be with.

 

So I think it is important to not come off as controlling, because some people respond to that by just doing what you don't want them to do..merely because you forbid them to do it. I also think it has to be all or nothing, if you are going to be okay with him having female friends..you don't get to cherry pick which females are suitable friends.

 

I also want to comment on you saying he knew how you were and accepted it. That might be the case, but again: we all have the right to choose the type of person we want to be with. Just like you have the right to not be with the type of guy who has a bunch of female friends..he has the right to change his mind about the type of person he wants. So on that particular view I see no problem in a person changing their mind(as long as they are upfront about it).

 

I became friends with a girl at work. Good friends. 24 year old, skinny good looking blonde girl. She is very promiscuous and has sex with all the fire fighters in our department. (to each his own) She became part of our circle. I even asked her to be a bridesmaid in our wedding.

 

Here is where you lose me..if you don't like him having female friends why are you bringing..females into your "circle"? Especially females you know are skanky? Do you think maybe on a subconscious level you did this in order to test him? Otherwise it doesn't make sense.

 

One night my fiance asked me if she could come over because she was stressed out and hadn't been sleeping. She needed to be with people instead of being alone. I was cool with that. He took her to the doctor while I was at work.

 

You seem to be sending mixed signals, you say you are a very jealous person, but you not only bring this girl into your group of friends..but you say you are cool with this girl and your fiance hanging out together even when you aren't around. Even if your fiance was otherwise a perfect boyfriend..he really shouldn't be hanging out with some chick alone..with nobody else around.

 

With all that said, I find his excuse to be lame. This girl needs to come over because she can't sleep and is stressed? Okay, it's not like your fiance is her shrink or something.

 

I resisted the urge to kick her out of my house and chalked it up to me being jealous.

 

I feel he should not of done this and I also feel you should not of kept quiet about it. It goes right back to what I said about you sending mixed signals. I am not saying it is your fault they ended up on the same couch together, but you don't see the issue of acting jealous one minute and then seemingly being okay with certain things that even people who normally don't have problems with jealously would probably have problems with the next minute?

 

I found it very hard to believe she slept for 18 hours but whatever.

 

Well, this I do not find hard to believe. You said the girl had been having sleeping issues. If that is true then yeah..I could fully see a person with sleeping problems sleeping for 18 hours once they finally manage to fall asleep.

 

My fiance and I talked about it the next day. I told him I was extremely uncomfortable with this situation. I wanted him to stay away from her. However I let it go completely and moved on with my wedding planning. Again, I realized that I am a jealous person and was trying to keep it under wraps.

 

I hate to sound like a broken record, but we again come back to mixed signals. Why would you wait until the next day before discussing this with your fiance? Furthermore, why would you say you are uncomfortable and then completely drop the subject?

 

Plus he didn't want a particular girl to be my maid of honor who has been my best friend for the last 9 years.

 

What reasons did he give for not wanting your friend to be a maid of honor? The reason for why he doesn't want her is important.

 

Last Friday, he told me he was going out with some friends. Even though I'm a jealous person, I'm not a controlling one.

 

You say this, but then you also say things about how you are allowing him or not allowing him to do certain things.

 

At 7am, a coworker called to tell me that he had been arrested for DUI. After a long moment of freaking out, I went to the sheriffs website. Low and behold, he was arrested 1 block from her house. On the complete OPPOSITE end of where he was supposed to be and even further from our home.

 

Yikes, well it is possible the reason he did not call you is because he knew you would freak out of the girl being there. I am not saying this means he *wasn't* up to no good, just that it doesn't necessarily automatically mean that.

 

I bailed him out. I canceled our wedding. DUI's cost a lot of money apparently. All my wedding money gone.

 

At this point though you didn't know how often they talked or anything like that..all you knew is that he had gotten a DUI near her house. So with that in mind..I would wonder if cancelling your wedding over that might be extreme. Not to say it is okay to get a DUI and yeah there is a problem, but if you are together 5 years and set to get married soon and all it takes is a DUI for you to cancel it then maybe you shouldn't be getting married at all?

 

He admitted to me that they text often. Almost every day.

 

Okay, now we are getting into legit reasons to cancel the wedding. Did he admit this to you before or after you cancelled it?

 

However he swears they are just friends. That he never had any feelings for her. He swears they never did anything physical. He tells me that his friends bailed early and he wasn't ready to be done drinking. She apparently invited him out for drinks. He claims he was only there for a half an hour. I have zero proof of this. She even texted me and went off on me for being insecure, childish and told me that I had caused all this myself. She was unapologetic in the least. I blocked her from my phone.

 

Okay, not that I don't find all this behavior fishy..but if they *are* fooling around I would find it odd she would text you and tell you that you are just being insecure. I'm trying to put myself in her position, and if I was and I was fooling around with this guy the last thing I would do is text you and call you insecure. Rather, since you said you and this girl had more or less stopped talking and hanging out by this point..I would of just continued not talking to you. I'm not saying her doing that automatically means they are not fooling around, but I do find it damn strange behavior if this girl is legitimately fooling around with him.

 

But tonight, he agreed to open his phone to me. I found several times where they had talked (not texted) on the phone for 2 hours at a time. Again, he claims that they were just talking about her relationship problems. I'm struggling so hard to believe they weren't at the very least, having an emotional affair. Which I think is worse than a physical one.

 

Okay I'm not exactly sure if he is or is not having an emotional affair, but I'd say there is definitely a boundary issue here at the very least. Let us say he was talking to this girl about her relationship problems..he doesn't need to spend two hours on the phone with her doing that.

 

Like I said, I am not saying there is no emotional affair, but unfortunately some people are so utterly naive and ignorant they do not realize how their behavior comes off, or that it is wrong. Of course, if that is the case that still means your relationship has issues.

 

Now I can't decide if I'm being stupid and naive, or overly jealous and insecure. To make matters worse, we all work together in the same place. I have to see her every shift I work and it's been so hard.

 

I don't think you are being overly jealous, though I do feel at times you have sent mixed signals, albeit unintentionally.

 

Please give me some neutral advice. Help me. I can't decide if I should leave or not. I don't want to make a mistake but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either. Should I throw everything away over this?

 

I think it is hard to say. On one hand some of the behavior is fishy..on the other hand you also did send some mixed signals and I am still not 100% convinced this guy cheated so..I don't know. You have been with him for 5 years and you wanted to marry him, so I assume he is the love of your life. You also have only really been having these problems for a month or two, so it's not like this was an ongoing thing. On top of that, he has acknowledged his bad behavior and cut this girl out of his life and seems to be doing everything to try to prove how much he loves you.

 

So with that in mind..I would say give him another chance, but also make it clear he is more or less on probation so if anything like this happens again you are gone. I would also tell him that because of his recent behavior you are no longer comfortable with him having any female friends and that you aren't sure your relationship could survive his continuing to have female friends(even ones other then this girl).

 

I would also ask if your fiance is the type of guy to use a girl merely for sex? Since..if this girl is as big a skank as you claim then I would find it unlikely he would be emotionally invested in her.

 

I would also suggest that next time you guys go out..to like go out to dinner or a movie or something, I suggest while you guys are in the car driving you tell him that before you get to your destination you will be stopping somewhere else. Tell him you are stopping so he can take a polygraph test, tell him his behavior has made it hard to trust and that while you don't want to lose him if he truly hasn't cheated..that you need to know for sure, because it otherwise is not fair to you or your child.

 

Here is the thing: I am not saying actually set up a test, don't waste your money on it. However, if he truly hasn't done anything wrong then he will more or less have no problems with helping to ease your mind. The reason it is important for you to bring this up while you guys are already out and for you to tell him you are on your way to the polygraph is because..if you merely just asked him one day if he would be willing to take one..he'd probably say yes, but he might do so thinking you would never go through with it.

 

But if confronted with the idea of an imminent polygraph..if he IS hiding something he would probably spill the beans right then and there. Most people would not want to be embarrassed in front of a stranger if they knew for certain they were indeed lying to you. So that might be a good way to gauge if he did or did not do anything wrong.

[4yearstomuch]

Specter thank you for your well thought out response. It's truly appreciated. Thank you everyone who took the time.

 

I canceled the wedding after it found out about the other girl. I realize now that it may have been an exaggerated response. I'm struggling so bad right now. I know I love him. I believe he is the love of my life. But I am completely torn.

 

I decided to try and work things out but he is now considering leaving me. So there isn't much I can do at this point.

 

I have accepted responsibility for my part in all this. Completely. I know a relationship doesn't fail because of one persons actions. I see now that I began the relationship without the foundation of trust. I pushed him away in the last 3 months because of stupid petty things. I made the wedding too much about my dream and not enough about the relationship.

 

He didn't want the girl to be my bridesmaid because they simply don't like each other. In fact I would say there is some hatred there. He felt that we shouldn't have someone who doesn't support the marriage standing beside us when we say our vows. My thought was that if she didn't support my marriage to him, she wouldn't be standing there at all. I viewed it as pettiness on his part simply because he doesn't like her. She was willing to suck it up for me on my big day, why wasn't he. But I have accepted that maybe it was the wrong choice. We should have just eloped and made it all about us.

 

But again hindsight is 20/20. I can look back on all the mistakes I've made but none of that can be fixed now. I believe he is just going to leave me.

[HappyLove]

Dude cheats on you and gets a DUI and now it's all YOUR fault?! He's quite the master manipulator no wonder you believed all his BS.

 

Gaslighting at its finest!

Edited September 10, 2014 by HappyLove