Opening car doors for women.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I can deadlift double my body weight. I don't need a man to open a door for me. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it; I think it's a nice, thoughtful gesture that makes me think he's a considerate person.

 

If some dude ranted to me about "why can't women open their own doors, I thought feminism was about EQUALITY" I would send him packing.

[ColumbusOhGirl]

I have always been dependent and nit wanted a man to help me into a car and close the doors. For decades I was fine with doing it myself. Then I started dating a guy who owned a funeral home and had a chauffeur service on the side. He was accustomed to opening and closing doors through the chauffeur business so he from day one did that for me. I felt really weird about it at first. I kinda that that was what old men do for their wives but I grew to like it. It just says that the man is not in such a big hurry to get some where and he cares enough to take the extra minute to help his lady in and out of the car. If given 2 men of equal caliber and I had to pick one or the other. The man who opens doors would be my pick!

[denise_xo]

I come from a culture where I'm not used to the man opening the car door, and when it happened to me in the US I always found it very odd and uncomfortable. Me sitting there waiting for him to get out and walk around the car and open the door that I could just have opened myself in one second made no sense to me whatsoever. I certainly appreciated the kind intention and the gesture, but I thought it was pretty strange.

 

Thinks like opening doors, ordering the food for the woman, pulling and pushing open her chair - are all gestures of chivalry. If men aren't doing these things now a days, then what "are" they doing?

 

...

 

So, is that what we women are reduced to - just be appreciative that a guy has a penis and a pulse? And men, is that all you aspire to when it comes to wooing a woman?

 

Well, in the two LTRs I've been in men have done a lot of great things that I find a whole lot more meaningful than opening doors and pulling chairs, including engaging me in great conversations, cooking dinner, cheering me up on days when I've felt down, helping me with tasks that I couldn't physically do on my own, supporting me when I've felt scared, taking care of me when I've been sick, and just generally being a partner, treating our relationship like a joint venture. There's a whole lot of stuff between traditional chivalry and penis/pulse.

[GemmaUK]

I remember a much older man - I would say he was in his eighties and I could see he had a pretty hard time walking.I think he was with his daughter or perhaps his carer.

We reached a door at the same time. I smiled and held the door open so that he could go first. He grinned at me and said that I should go ahead and I said 'absolutely not Sir, I insist!'.

He gave me the biggest smile (so sweet!), thanked me and wished me a good day.

 

He seemed like a lovely chap!

 

Was it cheesy? Nah!

As an older gentleman (as he did look like one - looking all smart in a suit and tie) I felt he deserved a bit of respect and he looked lots of fun too.

 

I hold doors for anyone, it's manners and that is how I was brought up. A door being held for me by my man is a gesture I appreciate. I don't expect it to always happen. It would look silly if he ran for a door and almost ran me down getting to it before me but I do watch to see if a man will open a door.

 

Car doors for me would be a bit much - however - if I am very dressed up with a gown to consider I would hope he would help.

As it is no man has ever opened a car door for me except a taxi driver.

 

I still to this day get a little rattled by middle aged women - and I am one!

I used to take my Dad out often and he walked with a stick and was clearly infirm. I would often walk behind him through doors (when there was someone in front who had seen him) to make sure he was alright.

Sad to say but middle aged women would walk through, see my Dad and let the door go.

 

I called them the hairspray brigade at the time as the ones who did this were always caked in hairspray and make up. This was all years ago but I still see the same type and they are the ones with the organiser handbags who have such an organised designer handbag that it takes them an age to find their purse at the checkout! It's like paying is an after thought.

 

On the reverse side of this the people who were always without fail sweethearts to my Dad (kind, opened doors, were gentlemanly and respectful) were young men - in their teens - usually sporting a mohican, skinhead or some whacky haircut and a rock/punk band t-shirt.

My Dad was just an ordinary looking beige pensioner but these guys were so kind to him.

I still appreciate those lads who treated my Pops (my name for him) well! It would make his day!

 

Kindness is remembered and goes a long long way!

[preraph]

I'm for doing it depending on the situation. For example, if you're taking her out to dinner and she's wearing high heels or is very dressed up or has on a tight skirt or something that makes it a bit hard for her to nagivate (men, you have no idea!), open the door and offer your hand to steady her. Upon arrival, tell her you'll come around and get the door for her. But if you're just out tooling around shopping in tennis shoes, I don't feel it's necessary unless you've parallel parked on the curb or too close to another car, in which case you steady her to help her not trip on the curb or have to hold the door while it's trying to close on her.

[Quiet Storm]

My husband does it and has also taught our two boys to open doors for women.

 

My oldest is 18. I asked him if it made him feel cheesy, and he said no because he's seen his father do it his whole life. He said girls appreciate it and say "Awwww you're so sweet".

 

It's not that we need a man's help opening doors, it's just a small gesture that makes us feel special.

[OwMyEyeball]

I get the dismissive attitude towards that kind of chivalry when the actions aren't taught along with the intended purpose. Why open a door when the other person seems entirely capable of doing so themselves? Why pull out their seat for them when it's no trouble for them?

 

These traditions arose in part because, for the woman, it was actually difficult for her to perform the actions on her own. Her clothes would get in the way.

 

It's difficult for anyone to watch another person struggle, let alone your date or lover, so it's natural that you'd take action to prevent or resolve it. The door opening and seat pulling were pre-emptive moves by guys to keep their partner from getting into a tangle.

 

Chivalry = being considerate

 

Cheesy = chivalry for the sake of appearing chivalrous

[GravityMan]

OP, I find your attitude sad. I also think you're overthinking this.

 

For me, and many other men I'm friends and acquaintances with...opening car doors for women is second nature. We just do it without a second thought. It's a nice little gesture that makes her feel special. We don't expect anything in return. We were taught this by our parents. Yesterday I had a business appointment with the finance manager (who was a young woman about my age, I'd guesstimate) of the auto dealership that I recently bought my car from. We were walking out to my car and without even thinking I just opened and held the car door for her. She smiled, said thanks and we both proceeded with the appointment without missing a beat.

 

Now if there was an informal situation where the woman reaches the car like 20-30 seconds before I do, then sure she'll just open the door herself after I remote-unlock it. It's not a big deal, and seconds later we've already moved on to the next topic or whatever. I doubt any decent woman's just gonna get stand there for 30 seconds impatiently waiting for me to open the door.

 

Many women will also do little small gestures to make guys feel good. (And a confident guy will NOT feel emasculated by that.)

 

It's pretty simple, OP. Most well-mannered people like to do the occasional nice thing or small gesture for those that they care about. Significant other, family, friends, etc. And they apply common courtesy to people in general.

Edited September 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[crude]

These "chivalrous" gestures are usually impractical, inefficient, and almost choreographed like it's part of a script. Phony gestures like that are what players like to use. Pretend to be ridiculously courteous, interested, and sympathetic, and you get laid. If something makes no practical sense, why do it or think it makes you special, when really it's just irrational and foolish. Instead of sitting there like a cow while the man walks around to open the door, open your own door and hopefully you'll get real feelings and actions, not some nonsense people read about in relationship books.

[whichwayisup]

If I'm driving, I always unlock and open the passenger door, whether it's for my husband, my mom, my friends, a neighbour who is getting in the car with me.

 

It's just a nice thing to do.

[rester]

 

Also, if we're going to a restaurant I will walk through the door FIRST and hold it open behind me. Opening the door so she can walk through first; again, it feels cheesy I can't explain it.

 

This is just rude, in my opinion. One of my coworkers does this and it feels really awkward and socially inept. I'm a man and have no problems holding the door open for anyone, men included.

[Tayla]

I open doors for - Young ladies with a hand full of kids in tow. This keeps her group together. Or When an elder or handicap needs assistance. I feel no less feminine in carrying out acts of courtesy. I was raised in a private school where we learned common courtesy and regard. I recall being transferred to public school and learned more about rudeness and disregard for adults.

Its a known fact, learn it , use it and somewhere down the line it will stick. In the act of doing, one finds the reason.

[dumbass2]

I did it for my ex when we would go out for a nice evening. She then expected me to do it when we went to Target or some place like that. She mentioned one time when talking about some expectations on some things and one was when she came to my work, why didn't I go out to her car and open her door? I told her I would never think to do that. I also always open non car doors for a woman and when at a restaurant, pull out their chair. It's always a nice thing to do and I can't think of a woman that would take it the wrong way but on the other hand if you didn't do it, then that could work against you. Why not just go ahead and do it. It can only help.

 

My ex mentioned one time early on why I didn't go out and let her in to my apartment through the front gate early in the morning when she got off work. I said, "why didn't you text me that you were here and out there waiting and I would have gone down instead of you waiting for a car to come in that had a key?" I guess she expected me to just get out of bed and sit out there waiting for her to arrive. We couldn't get extra cards.

Edited September 7, 2014 by dumbass2

[preraph]

These "chivalrous" gestures are usually impractical, inefficient, and almost choreographed like it's part of a script. Phony gestures like that are what players like to use. Pretend to be ridiculously courteous, interested, and sympathetic, and you get laid. If something makes no practical sense, why do it or think it makes you special, when really it's just irrational and foolish. Instead of sitting there like a cow while the man walks around to open the door, open your own door and hopefully you'll get real feelings and actions, not some nonsense people read about in relationship books.

 

Well, you shouldn't pretend. If you really don't have any chivalrous or protective feelings toward women, probably best the woman knows that up front. Thing is for a lot of guys, being chivalrous in even the tiniest detail and getting a nice smile for it, is reward enough. I would never stay with a man who didn't try to catch me when I stumbled.

[carhill]

I see this the same way, but in reverse, of some of the examples in the 'foreign women' thread. In fact, some of the most appreciation received from women for gestures like opening car doors, taking her arm to guide her and keep her close when in a crowd, did in fact IME go over best with foreign (in my case, FSU/CIS) women. Different styles mesh, or not, in different realms. Those same women would be mortified sending their H or BF out unkempt to her standards.

 

My disclaimer is I was socialized in an environment where the husband did open the door, car and otherwise, for his wife, amongst other examples, and indeed his wife did lay out his suits and other clothes, crisp, clean and ready-to-wear, each morning, had the newspaper at his chair each afternoon and dinner on the table promptly. Decidedly 'old fashioned' these days, at least in my social circle, but that's OK. Different strokes!

[Mangina]

This feels so cheesy; I hope women don't actually expect it.

 

You can't open a car door?

 

I see men walk to the passenger side to open and close the door for the woman and then walk to the drivers side, and I just can't help but laugh.

 

This is something you do for a toddler; not a fully grown adult.

 

I always do, cause I'm a gentleman.

[thefooloftheyear]

For myself, driving mostly older vehicles that don't have all the modern conveniences like remotes and electric door locks, I unlock the passenger door and open it for the lady. Heck, I do the same for my male friends.

 

I can't recall any complaints, not even from my exW, who was kind of 'independent' in such matters.

 

If it feels 'cheesy', don't do it. Stay true to your style. IMO, there's really no right or wrong here.

 

 

Not so much an issue with the technology of todays vehicles, but hopefully she reached over and unlocked the door for you so you can get in...

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyj2VNVB8qk

 

 

TFY

[carhill]

Not so much an issue with the technology of todays vehicles, but hopefully she reached over and unlocked the door for you so you can get in...

 

 

TFY

I won't say 'never' because my memory isn't that good but let's just say she figured if I could open her door I could unlock my door, and she was right, I could. Forensically, I wrote it off to a love languages miss. That's how life goes sometimes. I recall a past MW, who was largely typical of my demographic, calling such gestures 'hokey'. Myself, I just became confused and had to learn a new way of interacting to gain any synergy. That was part of why I ended up going international, as I figured somewhere I could find interactions which felt like a fit. Also, I missed in another important area, attraction, because I firmly believe a woman who is elementally and strongly attracted will accept and validate such actions from her man, and even 'love' them (the actions). Life sends its lessons, for some of us later than others!.

[iiiii]

I do it for my wife and I understand why women like it but I also understand why some men want nothing to do with chivalry anymore. I have seen men get told off and one time even spit at for holding open a door and who wants to deal with that crap?

 

That's digusting behaviour on their part. Although rather than it turning men off the idea of chivalry, perhaps they should be glad that their chivalry revealed those women's true colours - they didn't sound like they'd make very good partners anyway, if that was how they responded to a polite gesture!

 

As for me, chivalry is not expected, but it's appreciated. And yes, logical or not, chivalry can be very sexy.

 

I especially like the one where when you're sitting on the ground & the guy happens to get up first, so he holds out his hand and pulls you up - when my OH does that it makes me go all mmmm.

[Taramere]

My disclaimer is I was socialized in an environment where the husband did open the door, car and otherwise, for his wife, amongst other examples, and indeed his wife did lay out his suits and other clothes, crisp, clean and ready-to-wear, each morning, had the newspaper at his chair each afternoon and dinner on the table promptly. Decidedly 'old fashioned' these days, at least in my social circle, but that's OK. Different strokes!

 

I think I shall put out an advert for a husband. I will promise the successful/unlucky candidate that in return for him ensuring I always have a clean and freshly pressed outfit at hand in the morning, my newspaper on the chair and my dinner on the table promptly, I will open doors for him and pull out chairs for him in restaurants.

 

In seriousness, I don't really see these minor gestures of chivalry as being any sort of exchange for one spouse doing all the gruntwork at home. More a case of chores (gardening, housework, maintenance round the home etc) being divvied up according to time and capability. Social, near effortless gestures like opening doors and pulling out chairs have always seemed to me more of a demonstration that the person is comfortable with little social formalities.

 

Also, let's not forget that a lot of the time when men are opening doors or pulling out seats for women they're subtly checking out those women's asses in the process. It's a mildly flirtatious thing as much as a considerate gesture in the context of a date.

 

This is just rude, in my opinion. One of my coworkers does this and it feels really awkward and socially inept. I'm a man and have no problems holding the door open for anyone, men included.

 

Yes. There's a place I usually go to once a week with the same friend, for lunch. She'll always open the first door and let me walk through, then I'll open the second door and let her walk through. These are more or less effortless ways of demonstrating consideration to other people.

 

I think anybody who has an issue with making those gestures, because they feel cheesy or demeaned by making them, is going to struggle in more formal environments and workplaces where poise (or lack thereof) is going to be noted by others.

Edited September 7, 2014 by Taramere
attributing quote

[evanescentworld]

It's a question of Form.

 

Standards.

Once we allow ourselves to permit them to slip, it's goodbye to civility.

 

"Courtesy: A form of polite behaviour practised by civilised people when they can be botherd to find the time."

 

I would venture to suggest you weren't brought up, you were dragged up.

Fortunately, some gentlemen, such as Art_Critic and Carhill still exist.

So I may be quantified as being old-fashioned; archaic even. I don't really care what others may think of that. I'd much rather be old-fashioned and archaic than with someone crass, impolite and disrespectful.

[ascendotum]

OP,

Whatever.

Put me in the camp of being appreciative of men like Art.

And their caliber of manners is exactly that; not expected but appreciated.

 

Holding the door open for the person coming in behind you I call good manners, but going out of your way to walk around the other side of the car and open it and help guide the woman out then close the door after her when she is quite capable of doing it herself, to me is not a question of good manners. to me its an old fashioned gesture of chivalry and was supposed to be a sign of good breeding of a proper gentleman towards a lady and I think came from the days of coaches. In this day and age of the 'you go girl', 'girlz kick ass', 'women doing it for themselves', it does come of as a bit cheesy to me. I have done it on occasions, but I don't make a habit of it. Its a act of putting a woman on a pedestal to me, which is not good thing to do imo. I don't expect my gfs to adopt old fashioned 'a proper lady does this' roles with me.

 

Not doing this sort of thing does not make you at the end other end of the spectrum (crass, disrespectful).

Edited September 7, 2014 by ascendotum

[denise_xo]

I think I shall put out an advert for a husband. I will promise the successful/unlucky candidate that in return for him ensuring I always have a clean and freshly pressed outfit at hand in the morning, my newspaper on the chair and my dinner on the table promptly, I will open doors for him and pull out chairs for him in restaurants.

 

In seriousness, I don't really see these minor gestures of chivalry as being any sort of exchange for one spouse doing all the gruntwork at home. More a case of chores (gardening, housework, maintenance round the home etc) being divvied up according to time and capability. Social, near effortless gestures like opening doors and pulling out chairs have always seemed to me more of a demonstration that the person is comfortable with little social formalities.

 

This. I'd love to be a man in a social setting where bringing home a salary, opening doors and pulling out the chair would get me a second mother, who has the food ready for me, puts out my clothes in the morning, and has my newspaper ready. It's an excellent deal, and of course men are going to go abroad looking for wives like that. If there was a country producing men who would do all of that for me in exchange for me bringing home a salary and opening doors, I'd go there to find a spouse immediately.

[Taramere]

Holding the door open for the person coming in behind you I call good manners, but going out of your way to walk around the other side of the car and open it and help guide the woman out then close the door after her when she is quite capable of doing it herself, to me is not a question of good manners. to me its an old fashioned gesture of chivalry and was supposed to be a sign of good breeding of a proper gentleman towards a lady and I think came from the days of coaches. In this day and age of the 'you go girl', 'girlz kick ass', 'women doing it for themselves', it does come of as a bit cheesy to me.

 

I tend to agree. In most situations I'd feel faintly ridiculous about waiting in the car seat until the guy had got out, walked round and opened the door - and I'm pretty sure 95% of men would be irritated by the sight of a woman sitting in the car waiting to have him open the door for her.

 

In certain situations, though, it's better to wait to have the door opened for you. At a smart hotel, for instance, if you've hired a car then the driver or somebody working at the hotel will do it - and you have to resign yourself to letting them do it, because they're doing it for one of the many cash tips you'll be expected to dish out. Also, a good hotel doesn't really want guests just spilling untidily out of a car, on their own, at the front door, and it's preferable not to be the untidy blot on an otherwise elegant landscape.

 

That's why to a certain extent I see slightly OTT chivalrous gestures that most people would find a bit too cheesy to handle as being more of a subtle demonstration of power and status than anything else. To show he's comfortable with the higher level etiquette requirements of a first class lifestyle, and to assess whether the woman also is. Personally although I like a little bit of that lifestyle occasionally, too much of it would get on my nerves and embarrass me.

 

There's no way around it really. There's a knack to gauging what's right, and what's a bit too much, in any specific social situation or for a particular person....and people will often tend to be assessed partly with reference to whether they have that knack.

Edited September 7, 2014 by Taramere

[Taramere]

This. I'd love to be a man in a social setting where bringing home a salary, opening doors and pulling out the chair would get me a second mother, who has the food ready for me, puts out my clothes in the morning, and has my newspaper ready. It's an excellent deal, and of course men are going to go abroad looking for wives like that. If there was a country producing men who would do all of that for me in exchange for me bringing home a salary and opening doors, I'd go there to find a spouse immediately.

 

You wouldn't really, though, and neither would I. Better just pay a cleaner and a laundry service the going rate, than ask another human to enter into that sort of a relationship which smacks more of lord/lady of the manor who has a live in servant or butler. That said, it may be that both of us grew up in households where both parents worked, and where the division of household chores was something that relied on everybody's instinctive sense of fair play and consideration for others.

 

I guess if I were rich, and the guy was more of a "manager" then that would be different. He could contract out various household services, keep on top of bills and accounts etc. That would be okay, but I really couldn't see myself being okay with marrying a man from a poor country who would be grateful for the opportunity to personally and lovingly wash and iron my smalls and generally wait on me hand and foot, in exchange for a secure life in the West - and having me check out his ass approvingly (or disapprovingly "getting out of shape man - I didn't haul your arse out of poverty just so that you could spend all day sitting on it, eating Galaxy bars and watching soap operas...") as I pull the seat out for him in restaurants. Bleugh.

Edited September 7, 2014 by Taramere