Haydn Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Of course i hold doors open and not just for women. Just polite but walking around the car to open the door for my `lady`..........Do me a favour!
sillyanswer Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 This feels so cheesy; I hope women don't actually expect it. I think that more "appreciate" it than "expect" it, but that's just my experience and I'm not trying to speak for any women.
sillyanswer Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 In certain situations, though, it's better to wait to have the door opened for you. At a smart hotel, for instance, if you've hired a car then the driver or somebody working at the hotel will do it - and you have to resign yourself to letting them do it, because they're doing it for one of the many cash tips you'll be expected to dish out. Also, a good hotel doesn't really want guests just spilling untidily out of a car, on their own, at the front door, and it's preferable not to be the untidy blot on an otherwise elegant landscape. If the hotel is that smart the driver or doorman can open the car door for me, too. I expect it.
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 It stands to reason that such an employee, in such a situation is acting for the occupants of the vehicle, regardless of gender. Obviously. I mean, they're not going to slam the door in your face, or add, "I'm so sorry sir, but the door is held open for your female companion. Kindly open your own door." Are they...? 2
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 My H has always opened the car door for me to get in. For years though, if my now seventeen year old son was around, he'd run to beat his dad to my door. It's a small gesture but it has always put a smile on my face and in my heart. 1
denise_xo Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 You wouldn't really, though, and neither would I. Better just pay a cleaner and a laundry service the going rate, than ask another human to enter into that sort of a relationship which smacks more of lord/lady of the manor who has a live in servant or butler. That said, it may be that both of us grew up in households where both parents worked, and where the division of household chores was something that relied on everybody's instinctive sense of fair play and consideration for others. I guess if I were rich, and the guy was more of a "manager" then that would be different. He could contract out various household services, keep on top of bills and accounts etc. That would be okay, but I really couldn't see myself being okay with marrying a man from a poor country who would be grateful for the opportunity to personally and lovingly wash and iron my smalls and generally wait on me hand and foot, in exchange for a secure life in the West - and having me check out his ass approvingly (or disapprovingly "getting out of shape man - I didn't haul your arse out of poverty just so that you could spend all day sitting on it, eating Galaxy bars and watching soap operas...") as I pull the seat out for him in restaurants. Bleugh. No, I wasn't serious. I've had several marital offers from poor men in poor countries who have basically offered to be my servant - cook for me, clean the house, clean my clothes - in exchange for the opportunity to live in a Western country. Of course, it would never occur to me to go for that option. But a significant difference between that situation and the reverse is that those men would do it in spite of these chores being considered 'female' in their own cultures. Some of the ones who offered to marry me where already married, and of course they weren't doing the cooking and the cleaning for the wives they already had. 1
thekid36 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 This feels so cheesy; I hope women don't actually expect it. You can't open a car door? I see men walk to the passenger side to open and close the door for the woman and then walk to the drivers side, and I just can't help but laugh. This is something you do for a toddler; not a fully grown adult. Anything at all can be analyzed. Sometimes, things are so simple. Not sure if anything good comes out of what is actually expected. Nor, is there any definitive hidden agenda around it. This is something which I enjoy doing. Not because of needing to. Rather, because of basically wanting to. Not like the woman is not able to open it. Just a small and sincere gesture some might appreciate. Chivalry is just not completely extinct. It is much more merely endangered.
Els Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Having car doors opened for me isn't my thing, personally I prefer more 'natural' gestures of chivalry. Seems to me like there would be an awkward wait with a car door. Plus it isn't the norm in my culture. But comparing it to helping a toddler is asinine. It's just a tradition in some cultures, that some people adhere to and some don't. Nothing wrong with either. I would hope that 'they can't do it themselves' is not the only reason you ever do anything for your partner, otherwise you would both be doing precious few things for each other. 2
denise_xo Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Having car doors opened for me isn't my thing, personally I prefer more 'natural' gestures of chivalry. Seems to me like there would be an awkward wait with a car door. Plus it isn't the norm in my culture. But comparing it to helping a toddler is asinine. It's just a tradition in some cultures, that some people adhere to and some don't. Nothing wrong with either. I would hope that 'they can't do it themselves' is not the only reason you ever do anything for your partner, otherwise you would both be doing precious few things for each other. I definitely agree with this, but for me 'chivalrous gestures' are often part of a broader and longer tradition where women have been positioned as the weaker sex that is dependent on male protection, and that's where the 'I can do it myself' reaction comes from. Where I live, women have been told (not that many decades ago) that we can't be managers, we can't be politicians, we can't participate in sports competitions, and we can't participate in the labour market on an equal footing with men. So, I prefer gestures that are more rooted in equal partnerships, rather than what counts as 'traditional' gender relations in my country.
Taramere Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 If the hotel is that smart the driver or doorman can open the car door for me, too. I expect it. Yes, I wouldn't suggest for a moment that smart hotels only demonstrate those gestures towards female customers. They should do it for all their customers...but generally, of course, the doorman will tend to rush towards whichever car looks as though it contains the wealthiest/most important guests, regardless of gender.
Els Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I definitely agree with this, but for me 'chivalrous gestures' are often part of a broader and longer tradition where women have been positioned as the weaker sex that is dependent on male protection, and that's where the 'I can do it myself' reaction comes from. Where I live, women have been told (not that many decades ago) that we can't be managers, we can't be politicians, we can't participate in sports competitions, and we can't participate in the labour market on an equal footing with men. So, I prefer gestures that are more rooted in equal partnerships, rather than what counts as 'traditional' gender relations in my country. I think we view this differently - IMO gender equality is about legal equality and freedom of choice. What people choose to do (or their preferences) in private relationships don't have much bearing on that in my view. So to me, a couple that chooses to follow traditional gender roles is as much a part of 'gender equality' as a couple that chooses not to. And of course, the same goes to the entire spectrum in between. Gender inequality would be if one or the other was forced into their gender role (such as women not being allowed to work or vote) and not given the option to choose. IMO it's totally fine for men or women to decide that chivalry isn't their thing. I don't think it's okay to judge the people who do, though, especially with the derision that the OP did. 4
thefooloftheyear Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I think the only time its ever really a "problem" is if a guy NEVER does a thing in any way that is remotely chivalrous or a woman that gets "offended" or angry if a guy does.. All else is likely to just be accepted as the normal course of things and no one gives it a second thought.. TFY
Imported Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I get it OP, you're a 50/50 kinda guy. You just want to be fair and equal. I see this with some of the guys I work with. They will work just hard enough. They will do their share. And only their share. Techincally, you can't fault them. I don't like that mentality. I believe you should do everything you can. Most guys, when they see you're not keeping a tally for how much you do and that you try as hard as you can and do your best to help them, they also start doing as much as they can and 50/50 becomes 100/100. That's the kinda work environment I like being in. That's the kinda people I like being around. And that's the kinda person I try to be. It's the same thing with women. I do anything I can. I will open that door. I will pull out the chair for her. I will raise and stand when she leaves or returns to the table. I will show her respect. She deserves that. She deserves at least that much. You ever been with a girl that does everything she can to please you? I'm gonna guess, no. Probably too busy worrying about how a man has to "work" so much harder than a girl. And that is how you shoot your own foot. 1
eye of the storm Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 My BF opens the car door for me and gives me a kiss. It's a nice way to start a drive. I usually hop out as soon as we get where we are going but if I'm wearing heels or my foot is injured (happens a lot) he tells me to stay put and he helps me out. It makes me feel I am important to him. In exchange, I do things that make him feel important to me. give and take Each person is different, each relationship is different. You need to do things that feel good and organic to you. Keep in mind though, you are in a relationship with another person. That involves doing things to show them you care. If it is a good relationship they will do the same.
Imajerk17 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 (edited) I can't believe this. 4 pages on this topic and counting! Maybe it's silly that some women want us to open car doors for them. Here's the thing though. Fellas it costs you nothing to do, and if the two of you have kids she will be the one to give birth. Just open the damn door. Edited September 8, 2014 by Imajerk17 1
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 On a date it's a nice gesture. In everyday life who ever gets there 1st or who has the best / most ability to hold the door should do it, i.e. everybody else holds the door for the elderly, infirm, anybody with their hands full, or a mom with a stroller. I just gave up on elevator etiquette & walk out 1st because too many men stood there awkwardly & nobody moved when I tried to let them go 1st. 2
me85 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 LOL Wow...uhhh...yes it matters. I love a gentleman. Now, do I expect a guy to open the door for me every single time we ride in a car together? No. BUT on dates and events...absolutely. In all my dating I've only experienced a guy not opening the door for me on dates (and closing it behind me) a few times and in those few times, I was utterly disappointed and even told people I knew, "He didn't even open my door for me, can you believe that?" It's a simple gesture that makes a big impact. It makes something so simple very special. It feels proper, romantic and best of all...old school. When women dressed up to do the dishes and men wore suits to play cards with friends. Small kindnesses like a man opening the car door (or any door) for a woman and a woman tying a man's tie for him restores my faith in RSs.
Quiet Storm Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 It's just a sweet thing he does for me. In the winter, I warm up his towel in the dryer while he's taking a shower. He warms up my car. I cook for him. It's not about keeping score, or if I can do it for myself. We are just two people who do nice things for each other. 6
spiderowl Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I don't expect a guy to open a car door for me, but if he does and he does it in a casual or amusing way, not making a big thing of playing a game of it, then it's a nice gesture that makes an impression. It's nice to feel looked after but not dominated. A man insisting on everything, regardless of my feelings, can come across as dominating.
todreaminblue Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 lol i am so used to guys opening doors for me....before i get in any car ..hahahaha...this makes me laugh i stand there......its like i am waiting for it too magically open......and i always smile when it doesnt...hahaha...makes me laugh sorry..... i think a true man always opens a car door for a lady..i think it is charming and thoughtful and sweet......i was so used to it...i am still used to it...lol....even when i have no man to open it for me...my sister leans over winds the window down in her car.....and goes lol......deb .....deb .....deeeeeb what are you waiting for...open the damn car door........as i stand by the passenger side of the car....and she is in the drivers seat......smilin large......so yes i know many men do it.......and i always say thank you.....deb
ascendotum Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 It's just a sweet thing he does for me. In the winter, I warm up his towel in the dryer while he's taking a shower. He warms up my car. I cook for him. It's not about keeping score, or if I can do it for myself. We are just two people who do nice things for each other. This stuff makes sense and I do that and buying small surprise gifts every now and then or doing something nice to help her without being asked, but pulling out chairs and walking on the curb side and rushing ahead to hold & open a door, and striding around the other side of the car to lift the woman by her hand out of the car, is as someone else just said 'old school'. She likes it for that, but lots of other people don't want to be old school' and I'm sure if there was some old tradition that required a woman to do something they would be nah that's patriarchal or condescending or old school too. I'm not knocking anyone who does it though just not my style all the time, and my current gf is so not traditional which is what I liked but I did a couple of nice gestures and now she claims she is. pfft.
evanescentworld Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I'd be interested to know how many ladies here, stating that having a car door opened for them is antiquated/old-fashioned/archaic and they wouldn't or don't like it, would be (or were) happy to have their father or another male member of their family 'give them away' at their wedding. That's as old-fashioned and archaic as it could possibly get and originated when fathers handed their daughters over as chattels and bartering tools to the groom's family, as a bargaining tool or promise of financial support (in the shape of the dowry), which is why, (although admittedly it happens less frequently now), traditionally, the bride's family is still seen as responsible for the wedding costs. It's antiquated and sexist, yet happens every day in marriages everywhere....
Els Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I'd be interested to know how many ladies here, stating that having a car door opened for them is antiquated/old-fashioned/archaic and they wouldn't or don't like it, would be (or were) happy to have their father or another male member of their family 'give them away' at their wedding. That's as old-fashioned and archaic as it could possibly get and originated when fathers handed their daughters over as chattels and bartering tools to the groom's family, as a bargaining tool or promise of financial support (in the shape of the dowry), which is why, (although admittedly it happens less frequently now), traditionally, the bride's family is still seen as responsible for the wedding costs. It's antiquated and sexist, yet happens every day in marriages everywhere.... Just because you enjoy (or don't enjoy) one old-fashioned tradition doesn't mean you need to enjoy (or not enjoy) all of them. As I've said, in some cultures the car door thing just isn't done. I'm all for chivalry but waiting for him to walk all the way over to the passenger side and open the car door for me would be rather awkward in our R.
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