Dating while separated / separated people

[BluEyeL]

I understand your frustration, however, for me, I think separated people are high risk and I'm not interested in being a guinea pig or help them navigate the post divorce waters while running an experiment on my own emotions.. Let someone else be the rebound. And that's because while I may be sorry for other people, I always come first. While looking for lasting love, separated people (men) are most likely a case of bad timing waiting to happen. Sorry. Soon enough, you'll be divorced and have an easier time on the dating market.

[Tayken]

I understand your frustration, however, for me, I think separated people are high risk and I'm not interested in being a guinea pig or help them navigate the post divorce waters while running an experiment on my own emotions.. Let someone else be the rebound. And that's because while I may be sorry for other people, I always come first. While looking for lasting love, separated people (men) are most likely a case of bad timing waiting to happen. Sorry. Soon enough, you'll be divorced and have an easier time on the dating market.

 

 

Ahem, excuse me...I always come first too, and my child as a single father. Your words in bold applies to women too. I have no problem banging a separated woman, as long as she is not expecting more from me.....and I have done that in the past a couple of times.

 

I do not want to get caught up in the ongoing mess

[BluEyeL]

Ahem, excuse me...I always come first too, and my child as a single father. Your words in bold applies to women too. I have no problem banging a separated woman, as long as she is not expecting more from me.....and I have done that in the past a couple of times.

 

I do not want to get caught up in the ongoing mess

 

Not saying it doesn't apply to women,but I date men, so seeing this from my point of view.

 

I have an inclination to think that the gender difference in looking at this dating separated people issue is in the bolded statement in your post. I'm not interested in "banging" anyone I'm not in a exclusive committed relationship with, while you as a man don't have that challenge as per your statement. In turn, probably your average separated man will have no problem "banging" me as long as I don't want more.

 

So yeah, bottom line, I'm telling the OP why I don't, won't, never have dated a separated man. Because while I can sympathize with his predicament, I don't want to offer myself as the rebound "banging material" of anyone. Hard enough finding a serious relationship with men already divorced.

[Tayken]

Hard enough finding a serious relationship with men already divorced.

 

Really...why is that, because there aren't any decent ones where you are?

[Tayken]

I am sure the phrase "don't crap where you eat" applies to neighbours...considering if it doesn't work out, other around you are bound to know/hear about it, and you still have to face each other now and again

 

Just awkward

[BluEyeL]

Really...why is that, because there aren't any decent ones where you are?

No, I'm doing pretty good personally, but my dating skills are way above average. I only dated very decent men in the past year. There are good men out there, you just need to find the best one, like a gold nugget in sand.

 

It is still difficult because you have to be really good at choosing the right type of man, investing the time to get to know him, sometimes it's just not a match, and often people (men and women) have baggage from past relationships/marriages at a certain age. Which doesn't make them "not decent", it's just life. A lot of things need to align. Dating a separated man (or woman): do it at your own risk.

[Tayken]

No, I'm doing pretty good personally, but my dating skills are way above average. I only dated very decent men in the past year. There are good men out there, you just need to find the best one, like a gold nugget in sand.

 

It is still difficult because you have to be really good at choosing the right type of man, investing the time to get to know him, sometimes it's just not a match, and often people (men and women) have baggage from past relationships/marriages at a certain age. Which doesn't make them "not decent", it's just life. A lot of things need to align. Dating a separated man (or woman): do it at your own risk.

 

 

Yes we all have baggage, some more than others. I mean I had a temp fling recently with the mother of my child's friend, but she has her kids all the time and has 2 kids. She also doesn't have a full time job....that is too much for me to take on

 

so which site is it you met this fella on then? LOL

[Mascara]

Depends on the jurisdictions. In the UK you can only get an immediate divorce if there's adultery or "unreasonable behaviour". Otherwise, you have to be separated for 2 years, and then the process takes another 6 months, even longer if there are kids. I think it's unrealistic to think someone shouldn't date for 2.5 years.

 

When I met my boyfriend, he was 2 years separated so had just started the divorce process. No kids, so 6 months later it was final - whilst technically still married, he was out of the marriage for a few years. I wouldn't date someone who was only a months or even a year into it.

[RonaldS]

As somebody who has dated while separated and dated separated people.....

 

It's fine to do, but don't expect or try to cultivate anything serious. Too much weirdness that happens along the way through this process. It doesn't matter if you and your STBX don't have any intimacy and haven't for awhile. If doesn't matter how checked out of your marriage you are. There is a lot of recalibration and growth (hopefully) that occurs as you transition into a new life, and most of it precludes having a serious relationship. Or, it should anyway.

 

Just try to have some fun. Go out, have a good time, drop some panties, whatever. But don't get serious.

 

Trust me....in a few years, you will understand very well what most people here are telling you.

[aprilisi]

I've dated separated men, they always fall into these categories

 

1. Looking for sex

2. Looking for someone to talk to

3. Trying to make her jealous

4. And the classic "it's complicated "

 

Made a mistake falling for a "it's complicated " man. They got back together, broke my heart

[VanillaLife]

Just try to have some fun. Go out, have a good time, drop some panties, whatever. But don't get serious.

 

Trust me....in a few years, you will understand very well what most people here are telling you.

 

Ya know I do think this is damn good advice. I plan to date, but focus on people looking for "short term dating" as they put it. So maybe not ONS but for not people looking to get married either.

 

Bachelor life here we come lol...

[RonaldS]

Ya know I do think this is damn good advice. I plan to date, but focus on people looking for "short term dating" as they put it. So maybe not ONS but for not people looking to get married either.

 

Bachelor life here we come lol...

 

For sure, dude. Try to enjoy it.

 

Just be upfront with the women. 'I'm not looking for anything, just like hanging out, doing stuff...' etc. Of course it will backfire a few times, but that's just part of the fun. As long as you're upfront and honest, and leave it up to the woman to make the choice, you're good.

 

Also, if you're in any kind of major city, a majority of the women you meet won't be looking for anything serious.

 

Pro tip: don't waste time. Go on Tinder, and have fun. Don't screw around on other OLD. Total waste of time....ain't nobody got time for that.

[RedRobin]

Ya know I do think this is damn good advice. I plan to date, but focus on people looking for "short term dating" as they put it. So maybe not ONS but for not people looking to get married either.

 

Bachelor life here we come lol...

 

 

Ok, so I feel the need to point something out here... You aren't in a position to be dating people who aren't also playing the field.

 

 

There are lots of women who aren't necessarily looking for marriage, but who are definitely looking for a relationship, ie. ONE PERSON AT A TIME with minimal drama. Just because they may not be ready to rush down the aisle doesn't make them a target for casual, no strings attached sex or want to be the ship for your emotional barnacle stage of life. Get that straight, please.

 

 

I agree with the other poster... stay away from traditional OLD. You mostly fit in the ONS, maybe more category. Traditional OLD sites are way too full of people using it is a hookup place, when they really need to go to Adult Friend Finder, Tinder, or something like that.

 

 

When I was doing OLD, it annoyed the crap out of me to have to sift through a seemingly never ending list of, um, men, who want the stability, balance and (let's face it) good looks of someone like me, but have absolutely zero to back it up with emotionally. Do everyone a favor and stick to the hookup sites. PLEASE.

Edited September 10, 2014 by RedRobin

[serial muse]

As somebody who has dated while separated and dated separated people.....

 

It's fine to do, but don't expect or try to cultivate anything serious. Too much weirdness that happens along the way through this process. It doesn't matter if you and your STBX don't have any intimacy and haven't for awhile. If doesn't matter how checked out of your marriage you are. There is a lot of recalibration and growth (hopefully) that occurs as you transition into a new life, and most of it precludes having a serious relationship. Or, it should anyway.

 

Just try to have some fun. Go out, have a good time, drop some panties, whatever. But don't get serious.

 

Trust me....in a few years, you will understand very well what most people here are telling you.

 

How true this is. I started dating while separated from my now-ex. We had been separated nearly a year; there was exactly zero chance we'd get back together, as he was with his mistress in a completely different state and we were not in any kind of contact. There were financial issues getting sorted, that's all. So I thought I was good to go.

 

Not so. I was really emotionally not ready, in a way that I only began to realize years later! Doesn't mean you have to live like a leper, but I think it is wise not to expect too much, and not to offer too much. Even if you think you're past it all, you may not be - it really does take a long time to bounce back from the dissolution of a marriage.

[beach]

Ya know I do think this is damn good advice. I plan to date, but focus on people looking for "short term dating" as they put it. So maybe not ONS but for not people looking to get married either.

 

Bachelor life here we come lol...

 

Better to be honest with women about your intentions.

 

Since you want nothing serious just let them know up front. You rule out women seeking a serious R that way.

 

And you really aren't "available" anyway - so better not to get "involved" at all until the D is final.

[VanillaLife]

I think as long as I am "disclosing" my status I feel comfortable doing whatever frankly. There is nothing in me saying I cannot settle down right now. If I find someone I am very happy with I think I am quite capable of it. So I am not going to restrict myself on the basis that someone who is god-damn desperate to settle down and get married right away did not read my profile or read it and chose to ignore. I am definitely not reaching out to anyone who says they are looking for marriage/kids in the short term, but anyone who is also separated, says they are interested in friendship leading to more, says they are interested in short term dating, I mean wtf not?

[beach]

Do what you want!

 

I'm unsure why you would ask and then argue against differing opinions.

 

I have a rule for myself - If I feel that I'm taking leftover baggage into any new relationship - I don't start with someone new.

 

I finish dealing with my own crap FIRST (proper order) - so that I can start any new R feeling positive about what I offer or bring to the table.

 

Otherwise - I'm just throwing all my negative crap into the new relationship - which is never bound to go well.

 

You get out what you put in.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ok, so I feel the need to point something out here... You aren't in a position to be dating people who aren't also playing the field.

 

If that was the case then a lot of men would never get their foot in the door so to speak...how many men do women date that are supposedly interested and available, meaning they don't have any obvious "flaws" that keep them "potentially" out of a relationship...and yet, those two people don't end together.

 

Women don't realize that there is a lot less potential for these "relationships" than they realize...to be fair, just because a guy is "single" and has been single for some time, doesn't mean he's anymore interested in a relationship, or even much less interested...there's so many easy ways to build credibility with women that shouldn't even matter because they don't matter to men.

 

There are lots of women who aren't necessarily looking for marriage, but who are definitely looking for a relationship, ie. ONE PERSON AT A TIME with minimal drama. Just because they may not be ready to rush down the aisle doesn't make them a target for casual, no strings attached sex or want to be the ship for your emotional barnacle stage of life. Get that straight, please.

 

Take a look at OLD any time, any day of the week on any dating website...what do you see women looking for? relationships. It's not rocket science.

 

Women don't necessarily get into these other type of relationships on purpose, sure they might be open to them but if you ask most women I don't think they ever foresaw the potential or ever gave up hope that things might somehow go the distance or turn into what they want...a lot of women I'm sure would claim that outside of the circumstances, they were not the FWB type or casual relationship type either..it just happened.

 

I'm a man that's well aware that not every single woman out there is looking for something serious, but women still seem to desire or at least strongly prefer the "potential" or possibility of that, which is why they don't necessarily want to date a man who's married/separated...even if that situation was no different then the last half-a-dozen guys they dated who were "single"...the same thing would have happened in the end.

 

 

I agree with the other poster... stay away from traditional OLD. You mostly fit in the ONS, maybe more category. Traditional OLD sites are way too full of people using it is a hookup place, when they really need to go to Adult Friend Finder, Tinder, or something like that.

 

The majority of men aren't interested in "those" type of women. They want "REAL" and regular women, without the agenda to sleep with the entire city (in their perception).

 

Women are beating their heads against a wall if they think they can make men go after the kind of women they want them to, and leave all the "golden nuggets" for you...every woman would choose that option.

[VanillaLife]

I'm unsure why you would ask and then argue against differing opinions.

 

You know what? It is perfectly OK to solicit opinions and debate and NOT actually have to agree with everything that is put forward in response

[Michelle ma Belle]

Separated people are fine for affairs and ONS. Not for anything serious.

 

As someone who was separated for 3 years and actively dated before "the ink was dry", I am officially offended by your comment.

 

Very narrow minded, judgmental and even naive.

 

Shame.

[CarrieT]

As someone who was separated for 3 years and actively dated before "the ink was dry", I am officially offended by your comment.

But it *would* beg the question - why did it take THREE YEARS to "dry the ink?"

 

Three Years would raise huge red flags for me that there was something unresolved in the relationship...

 

Be offended all you like, but it is a legitimate question.

[VanillaLife]

As someone who was separated for 3 years and actively dated before "the ink was dry", I am officially offended by your comment.

 

Very narrow minded, judgmental and even naive.

 

Shame.

 

Thank you!

 

Glad someone else feels the same way

 

Sometimes people just want to sound big on the internet....

[RonaldS]

But it *would* beg the question - why did it take THREE YEARS to "dry the ink?"

 

Three Years would raise huge red flags for me that there was something unresolved in the relationship...

 

Be offended all you like, but it is a legitimate question.

 

My XW and I were separated for 3 years before finalizing. It's a big decision. Sometimes people don't want to rush it or make a mistake (kids were involved). For me, it was my Xw's divorce, and she dragged her feet for years. We half-heartedly tried to work it out a couple of times, but nothing ever came out of it. But she had trouble pulling the trigger, so finally I drew the papers up for her and have them to her to file.

 

I mean, if you're not trying to jump back into a serious committed relationship, what's the rush in finalizing?

[central]

I started dating a month after I moved out. The marriage had been dead for years, and I was more than ready to move on. There was NO chance of reconciling.

 

Yes, plenty of women weren't interested in dating a separated man - but many were. The former didn't matter, nor did their opinion - because I wasn't dating them. They weren't willing to consider individual circumstances, which was their choice. No loss for either of us. I was willing to date divorced or separated women, if - like me - they were sure they weren't going to reconcile.

 

After about a year of extensive dating I met the woman who later became my current wife.

[serial muse]

I'm unsure why you would ask and then argue against differing opinions.

 

To be fair, I would have rejected this advice too, when I was in the same boat. Sometimes things just have to get worked out for themselves.

 

OP, I guess the one thing you could take away from this thread is that yes, a lot of people do have reservations about dating separated people, and a lot of times it's for a very good reason (bad past experiences, etc.). Sure, people individually can have very different stories, but some people just don't want to take the chance, and it's their right not to.

 

So you can feel frustrated by that or you can recognize that it's just another filter for your dating life. And since there's not much you can do about it at the moment, it is what it is. Live your life.