Wife needs time to figure if she wants to be married!

[mandown1031]

So, a month ago i my wife tells

me she isnt happy and not sure if she can continue on being married to me. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I eas tdy with thr military at the time. I was not expecting anything like this from her. I have spent the last 2 weeks crying and drowning in my depression trying to figure out what to do to win my wife's love back. Before i go on, i must let you know that i have cheated on her and she has taken me back. It has been almsost 3 years since. Nk sex was involved. Honest to god truth, i felt terrible about it. We have been married for 10 with 2 children. So when i get home from TDY, we have a conversation, she is not happy and says we are living like roomates. I will say, we argue often, mostly starred by me. She said that i missed all the signs that she was starting to feel this way. The night after the conversation, i decided to go through her phone, honestly to see what her sisters are talking about so i can see how to fix my marrige. To my surprise, she confessed to her sister that she had slept with another man but that it did not have anything to do woth why she may not want to be married. I asked her about it and she said that it was an eye opener for her, that she would let herself be soo weak and let it happen, it sas then she realized that her love wasn't as strong as it was before. I was devistated. She said she was sorry and that shee regrets it but she still needs time to figure herself out. I would do anything to keep my wife, i forgave her for her infidelity because i have made the same mistake. We have spoke a couple of times about the future in the past couple of weeks; i plead and plead my love and my willlingness to change but she remains steadfast. I feel that i am smothering her with affection and it is making everything worse. What do i do? How long should i wait?

 

Aug 27

She has not asked for seperation or anything like that. She has ceased all communication with this person, and i ajve proof of this. We still live together, she responds to my affection, says i love you, hugs and kisses me back. I have gotten better about smothering her and i think that has helped. She seems more receptive to my affection now. The other day i didnt call her when i knew she was out of work,even though i knew she should've been home by then. She called and said that she figured that she'd call me because i haven't called her to let me know wherr she was, still at work. We had our first counseling session, it went pretty well, a lot of emotions and tears. I think we can weather this storm. I pray every day for god to guide me back into her heart..

 

Sep 4We've had a a few sessions in counseling, 2 together, and indivual(2 for me and 1 for her). She said from the beginning that she would not continue to go if she felt it would not do any good. She did not schedule another for her, however I can going to continue to go. Things have been going fairly well I think, she seemed tk respdond to a small amount of my affection(or so I thought). I do little things that she may like or think is nice/cute. She still hugs and kisses me and says i love you back. But it does seem more rehearsed or ingenuine than id like. However I like to beleive that she wouldn't do it all if she was really done with it all. I had my counseling yesterday, it went well i think. I came out of there in generally good spirits. However, that would change later that night. We layed in bed last night and talk a couple of minutes about random things. Then she asked me how my counseling went and if i scheduled another. I told her it went fine and that yes i did, and that it could be for me, her, or as a couple. She didnt respond and i asked if she was done going. She said that the bottom line is she needed to make up her mind and she knows that me and our counselor talked about that. Honestly we did not. The gist of what we talked about is that I need to love without expectation. Because my wife is in an extreme state of confusion and does know what she wants. She then said "what needs to happen is, we need to separate. That is the only real way that I can truly have time to make up my mind. I am grateful for all the things you are doing around the house and with the kids now, but to be honest, nothing has change with me. I am numb." It was hard for me to swallow this. But, i responded calmly and said i understand, i respect that. What bothers me is that i expressed my concern about someone stealing her heart away while seperated, and that i don't wish to date anyone else. She said that i am trying to control things while apart. She said that seperated is just that, seperated. In other words, she wouldn't have a problem seeing someone else whil we are apart. At least thats what i interpreted as. We are not going to separate just yet, my kids are in new schools and she wants to give them time to asjust. Especially my oldest, she feels that the situation is affecting him. How should i feel right now? I trying to deal with my anxiety about it all, and i am getting better. Is there anything that i can do to stave of this seperation and start healing this marriage now? Any advice would be greatly helpful.

[evanescentworld]

Sadly, you can't fix this on your own. She would also need to be on board with this, and clearly, she isn't.

There is no way you can assume 100% responsibility for everything, if she won't play ball.

I'm sorry, but if she won't work with you, and she cannot conjure up the feelings of closeness and affection, then you have to start accepting that it's over.

 

I would respectfully suggest you seek legal advice and get the ball rolling and commence divorce proceedings.

No blame, no finger-pointing. It's just all broken down, and finished.

 

Divorce does not mean you stop being parents.

Give your children, love, balance and stability. Just because you two are breaking up, it doesn't mean the children will suffer.

It will affect them of course it will. But you can prevent too much damage occurring by being loving, sensible, considerate and united PARENTS.

 

The well-being of your children is of paramount importance. Do what's truly best for them, in this matter.

Staying together, is not an option. So do the best you can for them, with the options you DO have. They are your priority now.

[Tayken]

Yeah right....what she is doing is gathering all the information she needs in order to apply first and have you served. The one that strikes first usually has the upper hand i.e. make your claims and have the respondent counter cliam and rebut what you are asking for

 

Google 'The list' online and follow it to the T. Do not wait thinking she is going to change her mind, and really take into account what this poster said below

 

I would respectfully suggest you seek legal advice and get the ball rolling and commence divorce proceedings.

No blame, no finger-pointing. It's just all broken down, and finished.

 

Divorce does not mean you stop being parents.

Give your children, love, balance and stability. Just because you two are breaking up, it doesn't mean the children will suffer.

It will affect them of course it will. But you can prevent too much damage occurring by being loving, sensible, considerate and united PARENTS.

 

The well-being of your children is of paramount importance. Do what's truly best for them, in this matter.

Staying together, is not an option. So do the best you can for them, with the options you DO have. They are your priority now.

 

I am speaking from the perspective of someone that asked for a divorce, and our child was my primary focus, not what I wanted or what she wanted ...when she didn't want to play ball amicably, I served her and that showed that I meant business

[LifeNomad]

do the 180 which is on the sticky post on this forum, basically back off bro, if you love her give her that space, I know its hard, im in same situation, 13 yrs, 3 kids, its very hard, it sucks, but back off and let her figure it out, if you linger around annoying her its going to get worse

[No Limit]

She's checking out of the relationship already. Pretty sure a 3rd person is or at least was involved.

[oldshirt]

Any time someone is wanting a break to determine what they want, it means they want to try someone else on for size and see if they can make an upgrade.

 

The reason they call it a break instead of just dumping your ass is in case things don't work out with the other person(s). She basically wants you sitting on the shelf on reserve as her fall-back person and safety net. She wants to bang other guys to see if she can get a bigger better deal but wants you waiting patiently for her to return.

 

You need to blow that fantasy world up.

 

You need to take a hard line and give her the options of "all-in or all-out"

 

She either remains a wife in the home and commits to reconciliation and keeps her pants on.

 

Or if she insists on moving out hand her divorce papers and you move on with your new life yourself.

 

Don't give her a safety net. If she wants freedom, she can be a divorced woman and have all the freedom she wants and you can have the same thing.

 

Then as the others have said, look up the 180 and do it to the letter.

 

You need to be proactive and call your own shots for your own life and well being, not reactive to her and accommodating to her messed up whims.

[PegNosePete]

She then said "what needs to happen is, we need to separate. That is the only real way that I can truly have time to make up my mind.

...

She said that seperated is just that, seperated. In other words, she wouldn't have a problem seeing someone else whil we are apart.

So basically what she is saying is that she wants to separate so that she can have sex with other guys, and then decide if she wants to come back to you. Are you happy with this? I certainly would not be.

 

I would tell her that there's no such thing as a "trial separation" or a "break" - if she leaves then she leaves, it's over. If she wants to work on the marriage then she stays and works on the marriage. There is no other option.

[oldshirt]

So basically what she is saying is that she wants to separate so that she can have sex with other guys, and then decide if she wants to come back to you. Are you happy with this? I certainly would not be.

 

I would tell her that there's no such thing as a "trial separation" or a "break" - if she leaves then she leaves, it's over. If she wants to work on the marriage then she stays and works on the marriage. There is no other option.

 

Yep, all-in or all-out. Anything in between she is just trying to pull the wool over your eyes so she can have her cake and fall back into her safety net if these guys turn out to just be after a pump-and-dump.

 

Take away the safety net and she has to make a decision on its own merits.

 

She has the right to divorce you and move on if she wants.

 

And she has the right to stay and work on her marriage after all that has taken place.

 

What she doesn't have the right to do is to manipulate you into giving her a hallpass so she can ride the Cck Carousel for some thrills and tryout some potential new suitors while having you patiently wait for her in case these other dudes are just after a quick and easy piece.

[Justanaverageguy]

I agree 110% with the other posters - do not accept a separation and do not try and hold on if she does not want to. I can tell you having gone through something similar myself the worst possible thing you can do. That is irrespective of whether you actually want to stay with her or you just want to move on.

 

When women reach this point - it is 99% of the time because they want to try living without you to see if it works - and also normally because they are having an affair and/or want to explore sex with other men. Most men don't want to admit that .... but that is what it boils down to. They just want to keep you as a backup and also to some extent they think it is being kinder to you by not cutting the cord completely and slowly easing you off the relationship. Even the "counseling" is just to make it look like they "tried" to save the marriage. Its an act she is just going through the motions.

 

The thing is when this happens most men turn into groveling, crying, pathetic messes and accept those terms for separation hoping their wives will snap out of it or they vainly try and force their wives into trying to work on their marriage. I know I was like that for a few weeks before I found my balls again and cut the cord. This may sound odd but if you actually are serious about saving relationship .... or if you want to move on then you should follow the exact same steps - which is to do the exact opposite of holding on. As others said do the 180.

 

You need to turn the power tables and be the one in control. Women lose all respect for men who have no spine, no self respect and are willing to be a backup player sitting on the bench waiting for her "to figure out what she wants". Also she is trying to wean herself off your relationship too .... attachment formed in long term relationships is like a drug - you get addicted to a person. The reason your feeling so emotionally crazy now is because you are being weened off that drug ..... but so is she which is why she wants a "separation" to slowly ease off the relationship. She is even using your kids as a way to try and slow that process down so its easier for her.

 

So flip the table and start acting like a Man so she remembers why she married you. Stop being a whinny crying bitch. (Sorry but seriously that is what men turn into when this happens) Nothing is less attractive then a desperate person. Have a conversation and be very assertive, direct and clear - but not angry or emotional. Tell her straight up you are done. Tell her if she had been willing to work on the relationship honestly and try to make it better then you were too - but - If she is not then it is over and you are moving on. No separation - no figuring out what she wants. You are done! Move out, tell her you have no interest in future contact with her unless it involves the children. Then go no contact and file immediately for divorce.

 

That may sound extreme - I can see you saying to yourself I can't do that I don't want to lose her. But that is what you need to do. I can't stress this enough - do not get into full on direct emotional conversation with her. Just cut all unnecessarily contact and discussions about the relationship and move out. She will try and bait you into emotional discussions. She will send you emails - she will call you crying. She will call you to abuse you. Do not get pulled into these emotional games. Just tell her you are done unless she is willing to apply 100% commitment to your marriage and you have no interest in talking to her outside of that and the children. Put a block on her number and email address so you literally cant contact her.

 

Believe me when I say you will be absolutely shocked at the change in her behavior. At the moment she is the one in control and she see's you as a weak man. Most women don't even consider the husband deciding to end the relationship as an option. You are playing on her terms. You need to show here that you are not weak and that you have self respect and are not willing to deal with being treated like a piece of garbage. That if you are separating - then its for good. It will be hard on the kids .... but seriously it's better then them having to watch a drawn out up close disintegration of their parents marriage.

 

I can not guarantee your wife will change her mind ... but it's quite weird how often they do if the man has some balls and is assertive about what he is willing to put up with. What you will often see when men flip the tables is the women do a complete about face and come running back a few months later. Also at first they can go completely psycho and start trying to rub a new relationship in your face, or try and emotionally manipulate you saying you are destroying your children lives etc etc. These are just games to try and give her the power back and compensate for you essentially rejecting her. You gotta go cold turkey ... which I know is very hard to do.

 

Either way ... regardless of if you want to move on or if you want to try and win her back don't settle for her terms. You are better then that - find your balls again brother.

[IntrovertedLEO]

The posts by oldshirt and justanaverageguy absolutely nailed it.

 

Your situation reminds me a lot of my own. I've been separated about a month now and she had a new guy moved in with her within a week. I tried to reconcile for the kids even though I knew I shouldn't especially because of her actions but I guess I longed for that "perfect" family.

 

The longer apart and the more time you have to think it will only get easier man. Rediscover your manhood as the above poster said. I acted all weak and vulnerable and emotional with her at the start but after that I went into "beast mode" and she was quite shocked at my 360. Once you get back to the real man you are you'd be surprised at how her view of you will change. Hang in there and just get healthy and happy with yourself and it will have a trickle down effect on every other aspect of your life.

[Movingforward2]

So, a month ago i my wife tells

me she isnt happy and not sure if she can continue on being married to me. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I eas tdy with thr military at the time. I was not expecting anything like this from her. I have spent the last 2 weeks crying and drowning in my depression trying to figure out what to do to win my wife's love back. Before i go on, i must let you know that i have cheated on her and she has taken me back. It has been almsost 3 years since. Nk sex was involved. Honest to god truth, i felt terrible about it. We have been married for 10 with 2 children. So when i get home from TDY, we have a conversation, she is not happy and says we are living like roomates. I will say, we argue often, mostly starred by me. She said that i missed all the signs that she was starting to feel this way. The night after the conversation, i decided to go through her phone, honestly to see what her sisters are talking about so i can see how to fix my marrige. To my surprise, she confessed to her sister that she had slept with another man but that it did not have anything to do woth why she may not want to be married. I asked her about it and she said that it was an eye opener for her, that she would let herself be soo weak and let it happen, it sas then she realized that her love wasn't as strong as it was before. I was devistated. She said she was sorry and that shee regrets it but she still needs time to figure herself out. I would do anything to keep my wife, i forgave her for her infidelity because i have made the same mistake. We have spoke a couple of times about the future in the past couple of weeks; i plead and plead my love and my willlingness to change but she remains steadfast. I feel that i am smothering her with affection and it is making everything worse. What do i do? How long should i wait?

 

Aug 27

She has not asked for seperation or anything like that. She has ceased all communication with this person, and i ajve proof of this. We still live together, she responds to my affection, says i love you, hugs and kisses me back. I have gotten better about smothering her and i think that has helped. She seems more receptive to my affection now. The other day i didnt call her when i knew she was out of work,even though i knew she should've been home by then. She called and said that she figured that she'd call me because i haven't called her to let me know wherr she was, still at work. We had our first counseling session, it went pretty well, a lot of emotions and tears. I think we can weather this storm. I pray every day for god to guide me back into her heart..

 

Sep 4We've had a a few sessions in counseling, 2 together, and indivual(2 for me and 1 for her). She said from the beginning that she would not continue to go if she felt it would not do any good. She did not schedule another for her, however I can going to continue to go. Things have been going fairly well I think, she seemed tk respdond to a small amount of my affection(or so I thought). I do little things that she may like or think is nice/cute. She still hugs and kisses me and says i love you back. But it does seem more rehearsed or ingenuine than id like. However I like to beleive that she wouldn't do it all if she was really done with it all. I had my counseling yesterday, it went well i think. I came out of there in generally good spirits. However, that would change later that night. We layed in bed last night and talk a couple of minutes about random things. Then she asked me how my counseling went and if i scheduled another. I told her it went fine and that yes i did, and that it could be for me, her, or as a couple. She didnt respond and i asked if she was done going. She said that the bottom line is she needed to make up her mind and she knows that me and our counselor talked about that. Honestly we did not. The gist of what we talked about is that I need to love without expectation. Because my wife is in an extreme state of confusion and does know what she wants. She then said "what needs to happen is, we need to separate. That is the only real way that I can truly have time to make up my mind. I am grateful for all the things you are doing around the house and with the kids now, but to be honest, nothing has change with me. I am numb." It was hard for me to swallow this. But, i responded calmly and said i understand, i respect that. What bothers me is that i expressed my concern about someone stealing her heart away while seperated, and that i don't wish to date anyone else. She said that i am trying to control things while apart. She said that seperated is just that, seperated. In other words, she wouldn't have a problem seeing someone else whil we are apart. At least thats what i interpreted as. We are not going to separate just yet, my kids are in new schools and she wants to give them time to asjust. Especially my oldest, she feels that the situation is affecting him. How should i feel right now? I trying to deal with my anxiety about it all, and i am getting better. Is there anything that i can do to stave of this seperation and start healing this marriage now? Any advice would be greatly helpful.

 

This is going to sound crazy, but the only way to save your marriage in my opinion is to file divorce first. I just went through that exact scenario, and everyone gets on these message boards doing the same thing. Most men immediately change their behavior, but it's often "too little, too late". Then you wait around thinking it will change....it's not going to. It's like a fog or a zombie phase. They start making decisions that you never think they will make, and it becomes the most excrutiating experience of your life. Then you cry, and look pathetic which isn't attractive. Get to a gym, a church, a counselor, and get yourself ready. Do not sit around. The woman ends up filing, and you make decisions based on your heart instead of your head. I would file divorce first and that's the only thing that will wake her up. In other words, give her what she wants. That is the only way to get her out of it, if she is going to come out of it at all. I know morally this doesn't sound right, but go on a date during the separation. If you agree with her, and give her exactly what she wants she either will snap out of it, or it will get worse. Every guy that has posted on the board with the same scenario, and I didn't listen either thinking I could change it.

 

 

I just sat through a midlife crisis, and thought there was something going on. I went to every length trying to save it....literally every length. I finally after 6 months and the divorce was final backed off. That has helped more than anything. I want my family back as well, but time has helped more than anything. I might have a chance to work my situation out, but it might not. I know that things are a lot better than they were 14 months ago....but it took me waking up to do something about it versus crying all day in depression.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Movingforward2

[Justanaverageguy]

This is going to sound crazy, but the only way to save your marriage in my opinion is to file divorce first. I just went through that exact scenario, and everyone gets on these message boards doing the same thing.

 

It's truly crazy how much of an affect this has on women. From my experience this separation they are asking for .... they honestly think the man will wait for them to figure their ***** out. They see the initial pathetic reaction most men have and assume that their husband is so in love with them that she can go and have her bit of fun on the side and he will still be there to pick up the pieces if things don't work out with the other guy. They expect their husband will continue to love them - even though they don't love him back.

 

It truly knocks them over when the guy just says .... OK we are done and walks away and files for divorce. Initially they might seem to go along with it but when the reality hits. It comes to signing the papers, selling the house and they realize ..... oh crap I just threw away 5 - 10 - 15 years with a good guy who looked after me for some fun with a guy I hardly know. They suddenly get a pretty big wake up call. The sooner you take the reins and force the issue the bigger the shock for the woman too because she wants to make sure she has something solid with the new guy before she moves on.

 

I split 5 months back and have driven forward as fast as possible with divorce and break up of assets. We are at the final paperwork stage now - I'm taking sole ownership of the house and paying her out. I have absolutely no interest in reconciliation but I find it genuinely funny how her behavior suddenly changed when I took the reins and just told her what was happening. She is scrambling trying to avoid signing and wants to meet up and “talk things over” because we “shared our lives together” and we “need to make sure this is the right decision long term”. I'm not even sure if my ex really wants to get back together ... or if she just doesn't want to lose her safety net.

 

Either way I told her the decision was made 5 months ago, that I have nothing left to say to her and to tell her story walking. The OP has kids so if he got to this stage his opinion on the matter may be a little different.

[Movingforward2]

It's truly crazy how much of an affect this has on women. From my experience this separation they are asking for .... they honestly think the man will wait for them to figure their ***** out. They see the initial pathetic reaction most men have and assume that their husband is so in love with them that she can go and have her bit of fun on the side and he will still be there to pick up the pieces if things don't work out with the other guy. They expect their husband will continue to love them - even though they don't love him back.

 

It truly knocks them over when the guy just says .... OK we are done and walks away and files for divorce. Initially they might seem to go along with it but when the reality hits. It comes to signing the papers, selling the house and they realize ..... oh crap I just threw away 5 - 10 - 15 years with a good guy who looked after me for some fun with a guy I hardly know. They suddenly get a pretty big wake up call. The sooner you take the reins and force the issue the bigger the shock for the woman too because she wants to make sure she has something solid with the new guy before she moves on.

 

I split 5 months back and have driven forward as fast as possible with divorce and break up of assets. We are at the final paperwork stage now - I'm taking sole ownership of the house and paying her out. I have absolutely no interest in reconciliation but I find it genuinely funny how her behavior suddenly changed when I took the reins and just told her what was happening. She is scrambling trying to avoid signing and wants to meet up and “talk things over” because we “shared our lives together” and we “need to make sure this is the right decision long term”. I'm not even sure if my ex really wants to get back together ... or if she just doesn't want to lose her safety net.

 

Either way I told her the decision was made 5 months ago, that I have nothing left to say to her and to tell her story walking. The OP has kids so if he got to this stage his opinion on the matter may be a little different.

 

 

Man you are so smart. I swear I wish I would have found this website right before my divorce. It's amazing how spineless you become during the initial shock, and in reality if you hold to your guns, file first, you have such a better chance of working things out.

 

I like 95% of most of the folks on here did the whole begging, pleading, etc. I should have made her leave. I was more worried about my kids having to leave their home, but they are resilient and would have seen the real thing going on.

 

I got my divorce over as soon as possible. We agreed on pretty much everything except 2 things which I was not going to fight over. It was so quick, even my attorney (who was one of my good friends and knew my XW) literally told me neither of us really wanted a divorce. Her attorney said the same thing. But we finished it off anyway. I didn't want it, but I've came a long way in a year. And although it sounds weird, "we" have come a long way as well. Everyone's situation is different, and I think mine has a 50/50 shot of working out, but it won't long term unless both want it. Time has helped quite a bit.

 

I had a good friend of mine tell me "You will get everything you want during a divorce, just not who you thought it would be with" - and no truer words have been spoken. I've watched my oldest daughter achieve a lot of her dreams, including miraculously getting into the college she wanted....which I thought was about a 10% chance of getting in. So there is a lot of good that will come out of it.

 

My XW and I have never really ended "our relationship". But she doesn't title it, won't say we are dating, etc. Even though we go on dates, etc. every now and then. Our neighbors, parents at my kid's school, and our close friends don't know what to think. But I do know this, none of that started happening until I grabbed my _____ and started living life. The more I sat around depressed and pathetic, the worse it got. As soon as I started getting out there, things started to change. I'm just in a situation that I get a lot of mixed signals.

 

But, if there is any advice I can give is to do exactly what this guy says and the other one above. Go on the offense. Do not be a pushover....I know it's easier said than done...but you have to go on offense and start shoving the divorce down her throat. If you file first, you get a majority of the power. We know you don't want the divorce, but you should file first. I'm telling you once you start going on offense, things will start going in your favor. If not, she will file, you will continue to be pathetic, and it will suck badly. And you will continue to post on here in depression.

[Justanaverageguy]

Man you are so smart. I swear I wish I would have found this website right before my divorce. It's amazing how spineless you become during the initial shock, and in reality if you hold to your guns, file first, you have such a better chance of working things out.

 

I like 95% of most of the folks on here did the whole begging, pleading, etc. I should have made her leave. I was more worried about my kids having to leave their home, but they are resilient and would have seen the real thing going on.

 

Hey don't worry, the first couple of weeks I did the same thing too. I think it's the normal human reaction - pretty emasculating thing to find out your wife cheated or wants to leave you. Even harder if you have kids. I found a book that helped me, wish I had found it earlier. But even once you know what you have to do its hard to follow through - the emotional shock is pretty powerful.

 

I'm keen to hear from the OP if he is still around - see if he intends to head any of the advice.