Am I an escape?

[BlueLight7]

First of all, I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes because English isn't my first language.

 

This post will be so long, compare to the others. I'm so sorry, I just want to ask for opinion and advice.

 

Okay, lemme start.

 

I've been dating this guy for 5 months. I've known him since January this year, but we barely talk until March and then April we started to date. We live in a different continent. I knew him from my friend (so I have a friend who went to my bf's country for college and they became good friends there. So I knew him from friend-of-friend?). But yes, I've met him irl (in real life) and our family have known each other (and agree of us).

 

Before you judge me with "why are you dating boy who lives miles away?".

Not to be arrogant, but I'm quite popular among my friends. I'm easy going and many boys have their eyes on me. But I'm Asian and around me are Asian too, so not to be racist, but I don't want to date Asian boys. Just not my type. That's why I'm waiting for the right moment until I found that person. I've known some western guy before my bf, but I just didn't feel click with them.

 

 

So here's the problem :

My bf used to play games and chatting games a lot until he met me. Literally, I met him from game as well because he was playing an MMO game with my friend, then we knew each other. The first time I played online game and I was kinda lucky to meet him.

 

So back then in 2009/2010, he was playing this chatting game and then he met a girl. Let's just say her name was Jennifer (because I'm in love with Jennifer Lawrence lol). They were friends for 1 year (or 1,5 I can't recall) before they started to date for another year. Jennifer confessed to him first. Oh and she lived in another country too. They never had a call or even webcam. When my bf asked for FB, Skype, or any other social media apps, she would say that she didn't like to use it. Idk why my bf was so stupid back then and could trust her so easily. They had a lot of drama, my bf said that he was crying for 4 days / week until she broke up with him after 1 year of dating. The reason was because she liked another boy. During that time, they both were 17. And then my bf said that he couldn't live anymore, he wanted to die, bla bla bla, BECAUSE OF SOMEONE HE HAD NEVER MET BEFORE. :'D

But sure, now he can look back and say "OMG, I was so retarded back then".

 

In the end, my bf found out that Jennifer was fake. She sent him fake photos (really a beautiful model -_-). Then apparently she dated around 5 boys and 5 girls at the same time. Maybe she was bisex. And then apparently she was around 25-30 years old, not 17.

 

My bf met a guy... let's name him Jake because I like that name lol. Jake was Jennifer's boyfriend too during my bf was dating her. Cheating, yeah. Jake asked Jennifer for more pictures (of course, a lover will ask) and then Jennifer said that she didn't feel confident about herself. Funny, because she looked sooo beautiful. Like a Victoria's Secret Angel lol. In the end she sent him different pictures from the first time. Stupid. I won't tell what else Jennifer did because that isn't really the point of this post.

 

So when my bf had a heartbreak (but still talked with Jennifer, idk why), he met Lindsay (fake name again hehehe) who lives in the same province as him. Yep, they met through the same game. His country is small, so they only around 20km apart. Lindsay was sooo beautiful, slim, cute, nice hair, no pimples. She could take care of her body, let's just say that. She didn't look like a model, but like a popular college girl.

 

On the first two weeks, my bf had a crush on Lindsay and he said "I like you", didn't ask "do you wanna be my girlfriend?" tho... And Lindsay said no, because they just knew each other. My bf said to me that he kinda disliked Lindsay because that time Lindsay knew that he liked her, but yet she liked to say "OMG! THAT BOY IS SO CUTE! I LIKE HIM!". So as if she wanted to make him jealous.

 

In the end, Lindsay met Jake through the same game and was (and still is) in a relationship with him. Idk for some weird reasons, Lindsay, Jake, and my bf became online best friends for more than a year already. With the fact that my boyfriend still had a feeling for Lindsay. So wow. Online love triangle? And yeah, my bf was so kind. In addition, three of them only had a call.

 

One day, before we got together, my bf sent me his chat with a random girl online (from the same game). They had an online fight about unimportant thing. On that chat, my bf said that he still has a feeling for Lindsay and that chat was on January (don't remember the exact date), so literally just 3 months before we got together. He said that sometimes his heart would beat like crazy for Lindsay. He would phone call her when she was outside and it was late already. He even said to her about his feeling last week (before that chat). He cared so much about her. And then he said that maybe he became like this to that random girl because of frustration of not being together with Lindsay. He also said that he didn't try to win her from Jake, but yeah... idk.

 

I got jealous, of course, but I kept it cool and I was just like "oh really?". Then he explained. He said to me that he liked Lindsay for only two weeks, until he got rejected, and he was lying to that random online girl. Sure, sure~

 

After we got together, I liked to tease her about Lindsay. Maybe that's my fault because he never mentioned her or Jennifer or anyone else. I just wanted the truth. He said he didn't like Lindsay at all. Instead, he hated her. And he stopped playing that chatting game because of the drama. Fyi, I knew Lindsay and Jake. When my bf stopped to play, they were after him. So friendless and true that they had no life.

 

One day, after we got together for a month. My bf's younger brother had a birthday party with family and he couldn't use his phone because of that. But later on, he called me and said to me that he wanted to meet Lindsay. Lindsay apparently chatted him "I need your help" then my bf suddenly left the party just to have a walk so he could have a call with Lindsay.

 

Lindsay said that her family found out about Jake and all those online stuff. And she was scared. Why? Because all this time, she's been faking her name, photos, personality, and all. She isn't faking her age and city tho (she's several months older than my bf). Then she asked my bf whether they could met because she wanted to share her story, because she had no friend. I remember she mentioned that she only had 1 girl friend in real life. So pathetic.

 

I wasn't being too possessive. Of course I won't get mad if my bf talks to another people or what not, because her life isn't always about me. But what I couldn't accept was :

1. He didn't contact me too, at least say "hey, Lindsay wanna call" or whatever. As if to write "hi" would take 1 hour.

2. It seemed to me that he was like this "OMG! LINDSAY NEEDS ME! IDC, YOLO! LEMME GO THROUGH OCEAN AND FIGHT A SHARK FOR HER!". Why? Because he knew that his family would get mad if he left (they did afterwards).

 

Then my bf asked me whether he could meet Lindsay. I said yes. I thought "ah, okay, Lindsay is kind to me also and my bf doesn't have feeling for her anymore". So they met then apparently (I'm sorry) Lindsay's real name is so weird and she doesn't look like her photos at all. She isn't that ugly, but she isn't that beautiful as well. Sorry for saying that about another person.

 

One or two weeks after that, I had a problem with my family. I was crying. My bf just got back from his part-time job and then at the same time, Jake and his another friend contacted my bf. They said, "Hey! Can you please meet Lindsay at the train station?! She needs someone! She has a fight with her sister and she ran away from the house!". Then as if he was blinded by love, my bf said to me that he was tired but yet, he cycled fast to the train station. Just to meet Lindsay for a moment. He didn't choose me. I needed someone to talk to, he knew that I was sad, and he was my bf. I could talk to my friends, but I wanted to tell him too. He was my bf.

 

From that on, I became worried. I kept asking about her feeling to Lindsay. I just wanted to know the truth. Then sometime after that, he confessed to me and said that actually he liked Lindsay for a year. Then days after that, he changed it again and said that his heart was still beating so fast for her even 10 days before we got together.

 

That hurt. Of course. Impossible if a feeling could be changed so fast in only 10 days. He said because I was so amazing and bla bla bla. Bull. I guess when they met up, his heart was beating also, even tho he said no. But guess what? Liars gonna lie.

 

Then also, another plot twist. After Jennifer, after he confessed to Lindsay, he dated Karen (fake name) for 5 days before Karen broke up with him. From the same online chatting game, of course. He said that Karen liked him first and she said that she wouldn't live anymore if they didn't get together. Weird, again. But in the end, out of nowhere, my bf said that Karen was actually just his escape because he couldn't be with Lindsay.

 

He said that days after he met Lindsay. Meaning, he doesn't care about her lies, he accepts her. Do you guys get my point?

 

At the first time, I asked, "Do you still have a feeling for Lindsay?" then after hearing that, it changed into, "Am I your second choice? Am I your escape too?". I don't think anyone can blame me if I feel like that cause I bet everyone would feel the same way. Don't you think so?

 

 

My bf kept saying no. He often cries like a kid whenever we have an argue about Lindsay (I know, webcam). He said he loves me, he sent me money that he earned by himself, he met me, he's so serious about me. He said that he was lying about Lindsay because I kept asking and he thought that maybe if he would say yes and gave me the answer that I wanted, I would shut my mouth. Make sense. He has deleted his games, his saved chats, blocked Jake, Lindsay, and those online people from every social media apps. But idk, I just can't believe him.

 

Also, I keep saying that I'm his third girlfriend. He's my first boyfriend, fyi. And the he will always answer with, "No! Those girls were fake! You are my first girlfriend! My first love!", but I just can't believe it. For me, he is a liar.

 

Then I said, "You forget about something. When we just got together, you said to me that you didn't love me as much as you loved Jennifer, because Jennifer was your first love." and he kept denying that. If only I could find the chat.

 

Now, our relationship is becoming so... less-trusting? He loves me so much, I do too, just I don't feel any trust toward him. Everytime he says something, for me that's like a bull language.

 

I often ask him to break up with me. I'm just testing, but sometimes, I feel so serious about that. He said that he wouldn't break up and let go of me. I need to try harder if I want to leave him. And bla bla bla.

 

My questions are :

1. Of course, should I believe him? In everything.

2. Am I his third girlfriend or what? LOL

 

Thank you so much for reading this. Any of you. This is such a long post. I'm still new here and I know that this is a great web for asking advice.

 

God bless you all, thank you so much again.