Dont understand him

[Jennifromtheblock]

Hi everybody im new to this thread and need some advice. Ive been engaged a few months now,and though i adore my partner he does drive me insane and has a history of flirting/wanting attention etc. last May i met a very handsome man at work. We went away for one week on a work trip. At the time I tjought he was handsome but wanted nothing more to do with him than work association. I fully knew he had a girlfriend as well by the way. We are both 29. His gf is 24 and my man is 30. He found my number from another colleague and began to text me on the trip. We had drinks a few times during our time away and things were electric. No physical contact had been made at all but i just felt so instantly comfortable with him and he with me. We spoke for hours on end and just laughed constantly. We had so much in common from being two tall skinny people to the confusionsin our relationships. After the trip he continued messaging me and we would meet for coffee drinks lunch you name it! He even messaged me telling me how he loved everything about me and that he wants to name his child after me and hopes our children get married. The conversations went on and on. There were two occasions where he kissed me. I enjoyed it but not as much as i do with my partner. For many reasons but the main one was he would be SUPER touchy feely all over my body and i would have to pry his hands off of me. Still i found myself developing strong feelings for him outside of the physical contact. He strayed a bit as a friend from then on but still wanted to kiss etc. i said no then hed apologize profusely and remind me how much he continued to adore his girlfriend. Actually each time he kissed me he would go on about her and how he still loves her so much. Yet hed always call text etc to meet me and talk about all personal things. When i discussed my life with my him(which was barely) hed write me long messages about how beautiful my love is with my man and how lucky i am to have a handsome man and how my man cant wait to marry me. Totally stupid messages the more it went on. He had left for summer holiday and would text me about some flirtatious things but then not at all. I enjoyed the summer just forgetting about him and spemding time w family and fiancé. The day before work resumes he texts me asking me if im ready for it. I text back saying our friendship is nice but we should probably keep our distance. He was not happy with that but he said fine. I saw him at work and all of my intense feelings rushed back but i still tried avoiding him. But the more i saw him the more i felt. He asked me if we could at least be friends because i meant so much to him in his life. So i said ok. That was last week. Since, we have met twice for coffee. The first time he was super flirty but i stayed back. The second time he told me all about how all of a sudden he wants to propose to his girlfriend. He then shows me pictures of her (when suddenly a pic of her cleavage would pop in). He was also being so graphic about his sex life this summer with her. I wouldnt really entertain it but told him how pretty she was. He replied "uh .. Ya" and would just gaze at me As he always does. I dont know how to control my feelings but i dont really know what he wants either. I dont think id ever leave my partner but at the same time the confusion between my and coworkers emotions is leaving me very confused in general. He doesnt write me much anymore but just to see me. On friday he wrote again to meet me but i told him i went home early and.. No response. Can you make sense of him?

[HappyLove]

You need to make sense of yourself and stop cheating on your fiancé.

[Jennifromtheblock]

So you think its all just a ploy to get me into bed? He does discuss sex often but hes moreso interested in just being aroubd me. He once said he was addicted to me. We have quite the chemistry us two but i just get confused when he mentions his girlfriend after looking so deeply into my eyes. Nothing about it makes sense.

[Jennifromtheblock]

By the way i have no intention of cheating again and my fiance knows ive had doubts but we just had a wonderful summer and i dont want to get back to square one. What do u think coworker is after?

[stillafool]

I think your co-worker is after sex and nothing more. Break up with your fiancee and leave this sleazy coworker alone. You can do better than both of these guys.

[ExpatInItaly]

By the way i have no intention of cheating again and my fiance knows ive had doubts but we just had a wonderful summer and i dont want to get back to square one. What do u think coworker is after?

 

He's after a side-piece. It's obvious and not confusing at all. He mentions his girlfriend so that it's clear he isn't going to leave her. You're basically doing the same thing - going along with the flirtation and cheating, while maintaining a fiance. He wants sex, end of story. That's what the pathetically cheesy one-liners are all about (ex. He's "addicted" to you. )

 

What's more confusing and concerning is your behaviour - why are you acting like you're single? Why do you believe that you can be just friends with this clown? Come on, girl. You know better.

Edited September 7, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[No Limit]

Why do you want to marry your fiancé? And please no "I love him he's my soulmate" stuff.

[Thicke2013]

The co-worker wants sex on the side. He is not going to leave his GF for you and by you continuing an inappropriate relationship with him (going on dates for coffee and lunch, kissing, etc) while having a fiance' you are sending him clear signals that you are game for it. Want him to stop? Then stop playing the game. It's that simple. Don't play naive' and act like you don't know what he is after. You find him attractive and you two have a "connection". You don't "connect" with people unless you foster a relationship. Stop playing games with your fiance'. Even if he is a douche bag.

[lolablue17]

Your behaviour is the one who needs interpretation.

 

You spread contradictory "messages", and prove him that if he pushes you a little, than he can "get" something (the kissing scenes) but sometimes not...

 

Yes, he wants you in his bed, and he has a feeling that eventually you will cooperate but he is exhausted of your zigzag, or maybe he learned some tricks by himself along the days...

[Thruster]

Jennifer:

 

 

Yea - it's a time to drop the guy 100%

cut it off now

 

 

he will end up never stopping if he thinks he has a chance

for a romp in the hay

[Jennifromtheblock]

Well I want to marry my partner for various reasons, but this is not about him. Despite his past shady behaviour i never thought in a million years that someone would catch my attention like this one has. At the same time im in total agreement with you all that hes only after one thing. We went to a work party (60th year anniv party) on a boat two wks ago. Coworker comes over in a sly way with another lady we went away with. I say hi to them and introduce fiancé and coworker was just staring at him like crazy in such a jealous way. I thought and felt that he had feelings for me but the more u mention it the more clarity im having about this. Today he saw me at lunch, texted right away asking what time i was working until. I said late i had meetings, no answer. So its quite clear he doesnt care at all. I am also really not playing the innocent card at all. He started this listening to everything and telling me every problem he had with her and how he would love to be with me etc. he never actually tried anything other than the kissing and the second time it was really me who had initiated it (back in may). He didnt resist but i could also see he didnt really want it to happen because he felt bad. So part of me wants to believe this is not about sex and about how much he adores me!! Lol but current treatment says otherwise.

[Dork Vader]

Well I'll be honest with you and mean..

 

It is woman like you that break mens hearts. It is woman like you who do not deserve men like your fiance.

 

That said you need to end your relationship with your fiance. You do not love him, you do not care about him. All you care about is YOU and what makes YOU feel good. If you had any remote feelings of love for your fiance you'd feel guilty. But nope you're all caught up in your lusty affair with a fairly douchey dude.

 

You've pissed on your commitment to your fiance. You've thrown him completely under the bus and for what?!?!

 

So do your fiance a favor and tell him the truth. Give him the ring back and never talk to him again. You don't deserve him.

 

You do how ever deserve your coworker who is exactly like you. Cheating and self cenetered. Enjoy the screwed up life you have coming; but at the very least spare tour fiance the pain of divorce.

[Jennifromtheblock]

I dont believe I deserve such a harsh comment. You do not know what I have been through with my fiancé who I "do not deserve" according to you. You judge me as a person who is totally self absorbed but how can you tell from this a measly post on a website. Who here would not be guilty for the precise same thing had they been tremendously hurt by someone theyd loved? I am not proud nor am I justifying what I have done. I am also a keen believer in the fact that two wrongs dont make a right. I am just saying that i did not intend on having feelings for this person and I feel horrible about it, but part of me has wanted him in my life as he had been a wonderful ear and shoulder to cry on in past months. But perhaps his reasons for that were not necessarily genuine. Thanks for your advice guys but keep the opinions coming just try not to be so judgemental! Thanks!

[ExpatInItaly]

I dont believe I deserve such a harsh comment. You do not know what I have been through with my fiancé who I "do not deserve" according to you. You judge me as a person who is totally self absorbed but how can you tell from this a measly post on a website. Who here would not be guilty for the precise same thing had they been tremendously hurt by someone theyd loved? I am not proud nor am I justifying what I have done. I am also a keen believer in the fact that two wrongs dont make a right. I am just saying that i did not intend on having feelings for this person and I feel horrible about it, but part of me has wanted him in my life as he had been a wonderful ear and shoulder to cry on in past months. But perhaps his reasons for that were not necessarily genuine. Thanks for your advice guys but keep the opinions coming just try not to be so judgemental! Thanks!

 

Assuming someone I loved had hurt me so tremendously, there's no way in hell I'd get engaged to this person.

[Dork Vader]

And now comes the justification.

 

 

"You don't know what I've been through"

"My fiancé is a douche"

 

 

Blah blah.. You're justifying it anyway you can. If your fiancé is such a bad guy why in the world are you getting married to him? If your relationship is sooo bad that you feel you have the right to cheat on him.. Then why are you with him?

 

 

Honest and committed people work on their issues with their fiancé or partner. They don't go out and cheat on them.

 

 

Honest and committed people will just END their relationship. Not cheat on them..

 

 

While you're right I do not know what went in your relationship. Nothing justifies cheating. If you think that's so you have a lot of maturing to do before you think about getting married. You put yourself in this situation not your fiancé. You're the one seeking attention from other men not your fiancé. His actions will never justify or condone what you are doing.

 

 

Sorry but I have no respect for selfish people or cheaters.

 

 

You want to talk about being hurt by someone you love and not cheating? My ex sexted her best friends husband, I likely got HSV-2 from her, she then sexted one of her old flings while we were with my family, she then swore up and down I was the only man in her life all while carrying on relationships with other men.. My hurt and pain could not be described in words.. Did I cheat? No.. Did I get involved emotionally with other women? No.. I was committed to her until I finally got fed up and walked away. So don't toss that "he hurt me" line around every single cheater I know uses it.

 

 

I might be a tad sympathetic to you if you came here asking how to fix the problems with your fiancé. Asking why you're doing this and so on..

Edited September 9, 2014 by Dork Vader

[Spectre]

By the way i have no intention of cheating again and my fiance knows ive had doubts but we just had a wonderful summer and i dont want to get back to square one. What do u think coworker is after?

 

So, you have of course told your fiance he is dating a cheater, right? You claim you feel horrible and that you love this guy, so obviously you have told him what you did..otherwise those would just be empty words and would just make you look 1,000 times worse then you already do since not only have you not told him info he has a right to..but you seem to still feel you can do that and still "love" this guy.

 

Surely if you love him you would never ever doom him to a life of being married to a person he doesn't know cheated on him, so you would at least give him all the information so he can choose the type of person he wants to be with, right? I mean, you love him..so obviously you have admitted this to him so it is probably oh so very silly of me to ask, since yeah..I'm sure you did the right thing and told him, correct? Silly me, of course you told him! After all, you love him! Sorry for doubting you, I probably shouldn't of even asked if you told him, because you said you love him so obviously..you would not say one thing and then act in a completely different manner, since that would almost be the behavior of a crazy person.

 

So when you did the right thing and admitted to your fiance you betrayed him in the worst way possible and cheated, how did your fiance take it? Was he at least relieved you had enough respect for him to be honest with him? On a scale of 1 to 10, how relieved was he to get this information that you totally did not keep from him?

Edited September 9, 2014 by Spectre

[Diezel]

Anyone else kinda hope the fiancee is cheating on Jenniferfromtheblock with the sleaze's girlfriend?

 

I'd eat popcorn while watching that.

 

Because they all deserve each other.

"I don't want to get back to square one................. but do you think Guy #2 wants to have sex with me!!??!!?!"

 

Come on.

[Spectre]

Anyone else kinda hope the fiancee is cheating on Jenniferfromtheblock with the sleaze's girlfriend?

 

I'd eat popcorn while watching that.

 

Because they all deserve each other.

"I don't want to get back to square one................. but do you think Guy #2 wants to have sex with me!!??!!?!"

 

Come on.

 

I'm just hoping she gets found out and exposed. The fiance deserves to know he is dating a loose woman. I hope to god he finds out, because I can already tell this chick will have no problems not telling him and going ahead with this marriage, which is truly pathetic.

[Jennifromtheblock]

I kissed a guy two times and met him forr coffee discussing nothimh but colleagues work and at random occassions concerns in my relationship and im a "loose woman"? Get a grip! I realized alot since starting this thread but one thing i do not see is how im this evil tramp you are making me out to be. Stop being so bitter about life and projecting it on others. Positive attitudes bring positive things.

[No Limit]

Positive acts bring even more positive things.

[ffsear]

Can you make sense of him?

 

No, and I and can't make sense of you either to be honest. Do your fiancee a favor and tell him the truth. Give him a chance to get out!

 

I've never understood people who are in close committed relationships allow co-workers of the opposite sex to infect their lives and relationships.

Edited September 11, 2014 by ffsear

[Diezel]

I kissed a guy two times

 

Positive attitudes bring positive things.

 

You truly are the sensei, and we are all grasshoppers. Please, teach us more.

[ExpatInItaly]

I kissed a guy two times and met him forr coffee discussing nothimh but colleagues work and at random occassions concerns in my relationship and im a "loose woman"? Get a grip! I realized alot since starting this thread but one thing i do not see is how im this evil tramp you are making me out to be. Stop being so bitter about life and projecting it on others. Positive attitudes bring positive things.

 

So create some positive karma and either tell your finace what you've been doing, or let him go. This is also positive for the girlfriend of the guy you're cheating with. if he's hurt you so badly in the past, I can't fathom why you agreed to marry him anyway. Recipe for disaster.

Edited September 11, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[Jennifromtheblock]

I am NOT cheating!!! I barely talk to the guy! There is no need to tell fiancé. He wouldnt even care anyway as he said because hes cheated hed undersrand if i ever did but i never could. And i mean sex. Im not allowing anyone to get in between us my question was i dont understand him not will he leave her or how can i screw two guys at once. If hostility is your way of giving advice then stay off the site! No one needs judgement here. They need an ear a shoulder a friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

Our definitions of cheating are clearly very different. How do you define it, OP?

 

And if your fiancé wouldn't care, why don't you tell him what you're doing? Might as well be transparent. No point getting defensive here if you see nothing wrong with this scenario. Heck, call up your crush's girlfriend too and let her in on it.

 

Anyway..if your fiancé parked his baloney pony in some other woman (which is how I interpreted your last post) why are you marrying him?

Edited September 11, 2014 by ExpatInItaly