Vero Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 *high school, junior, 16 year old boy* To keep a long story short, I keep hitting a "barrier" with girls. It's seems as thought I never get to a date or hangout. My most recent rejection was asking for an ice cream date with a girl after class. I ALWAYS learn valuable lessons from my failures, and the rejections don't hurt anymore at all. However, I keep slipping up! For example, I like this girl who is at my school bus stop, in my English class, and in one or two clubs. What would happen is that I would take online advice, and unknowingly start "chasing" her. Given my limited time to talk to her naturally (which, honestly, seems is never enough) I feel the need to progress the relationship from 1-100% rather quickly. This never worked for me and they probably notice my desperation quickly. As a result, I've just decided to be myself, which keeps me confident, and see who comes my way. This is with the mindset that if I notice a girl's feelings are mutual from the get-go, then maybe I won't have to work as hard to formulate a relationship. However, I found that this is rare for me; it happened 1 time. I'm blabbering, but here is my main conflict. Now that I am acting more true to myself by being "me" more, I don't know how to progress with a girl without resorting to the "1-100%" desperate method, which gets me nowhere. People say to stop looking and focus on yourself, but I have been doing this for a long time, and I feel like I've put on "blinds" to potential girlfriends that come my way. Help? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Could I ask, not just the OP, but people in general - what IS this tragic obsession young men have with desperately HAVING to have a girlfriend? I mean, what the hell is the deal? Why is it so important? Is it hormones? The desire to have some kind of physical relationship? The perception that society and peers believe that if they DON'T have a girlfriend, they're abnormal, deficient, lacking in credibility, not serious, undateable, plain odd? Why is it so desperately important to 'get the girl' when there are much better things to be thinking about? Jeesh, slacken off and lighten up! You have your whole life ahead of you - !Trust me, having the girl is not the cool thing it's cut out to be! Better to be young, free and single, than enmeshed in the gordian Knot that is the complex hormonally-driven desperate angst-ridden intense liaison, known as the teenage crush!! Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 You're doing all the right things, and have the right attitude. Viewing each "no" as a learning experience and evaluating what you might do differently is the right approach. Most girls are going to say "no." The right girl will like you and say yes, even if your approach is less than perfect. If you find yourself getting frustrated, take a break. Focus on your hobbies a bit...maybe on something you do really well. Once you feel better, start looking again. If you want to date, you have to actively look and ask. Hang in there! It takes persistence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vero Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 Could I ask, not just the OP, but people in general - what IS this tragic obsession young men have with desperately HAVING to have a girlfriend? I mean, what the hell is the deal? Why is it so important? Is it hormones? The desire to have some kind of physical relationship? The perception that society and peers believe that if they DON'T have a girlfriend, they're abnormal, deficient, lacking in credibility, not serious, undateable, plain odd? Why is it so desperately important to 'get the girl' when there are much better things to be thinking about? Jeesh, slacken off and lighten up! You have your whole life ahead of you - !Trust me, having the girl is not the cool thing it's cut out to be! Better to be young, free and single, than enmeshed in the gordian Knot that is the complex hormonally-driven desperate angst-ridden intense liaison, known as the teenage crush!! That's very easy for you to say. I'm afraid that after reviewing my post, it might've come across as "cookie-cutter-ish", or basic in terms of a high school boy. My intentions stem from situations much deeper than "having a girlfriend" or self-esteem conflicts. My unusually potent emotional longing comes from a lack of a constant mother figure my whole life thus far, and broken dysfunctional family, and a past relationship (not initiated by me) that has changed my thinking drastically. Hmmm, it seems no matter how much I "lighten up",which I do all the time, there will always be that longing for a romantic relationship of some sort. This is pretty much irreversible, as it was my upbringing. I cannot change that or my deep feelings. It's part of my character now in a way. I don't mean to get all deep on you, but PLEASE understand that my intentions do not exactly resemble that of most guys at my age. I have very high goals and aspirations that I work on everyday (College level classes, Cross Country running for my school, school clubs, etc.) so your notion that I don't have anything else to think about is wrong. This topic just happens to be one of the things that factor into my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 My unusually potent emotional longing comes from a lack of a constant mother figure my whole life thus far, and broken dysfunctional family, and a past relationship (not initiated by me) that has changed my thinking drastically. Hmmm, it seems no matter how much I "lighten up",which I do all the time, there will always be that longing for a romantic relationship of some sort. This is pretty much irreversible, as it was my upbringing. I cannot change that or my deep feelings. It's part of my character now in a way. Having a girlfriend is NOT going to fill the void created by a dysfunctional family situation. I would see a therapist to deal with the emotional fallout from that ongoing experience. I researched options on my own in junior high school and found free services. You could also try finding services through your school. I don't mean to get all deep on you, but PLEASE understand that my intentions do not exactly resemble that of most guys at my age. Looking for a romantic connection is an entirely normal drive, and the difficulties involved are a part of the human experience. Most novels, poems, songs, etc. revolve around this theme because it's such a central part of our lives. Despite the potential heartache and hurt, most of us are driven to be part of a couple. I have very high goals and aspirations that I work on everyday (College level classes, Cross Country running for my school, school clubs, etc.) so your notion that I don't have anything else to think about is wrong. This topic just happens to be one of the things that factor into my life. With academics, athletics, jobs, and extracurricular activities, the outcome is dependent to a large extent on our effort. Put in more effort, and it's reflected in your results. Dating is a different animal altogether. Whether someone will like you is dependent on personal connection. If that's not there, putting in more effort, won't change the outcome. Whether you make a personal connection is dependent on the other person, not just you, and is somewhat arbitrary and unpredictable. It takes a different skill set to be successful in romantic relationships. Just keep going. You'll get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) That's very easy for you to say. I'm afraid that after reviewing my post, it might've come across as "cookie-cutter-ish", or basic in terms of a high school boy. My intentions stem from situations much deeper than "having a girlfriend" or self-esteem conflicts. My unusually potent emotional longing comes from a lack of a constant mother figure my whole life thus far, and broken dysfunctional family, and a past relationship (not initiated by me) that has changed my thinking drastically. If you know there is a source, a basis for your "neediness" (and I do NOT use the term in a deprecating or patronising manner) perhaps you need to review and work on that. By this, I mean that there is a flaw in your inherent character that means you require validation, and you feel inadequate and half the person you could be, without some kind of emotional prop via having a significant other. You deserve so much more. You are a bright, articulate, intelligent and capable young man, and you have had no difficulty in expressing yourself extremely well, in this post. Be good to yourself. Nurture the person you deserve to be, don't paper over the cracks by seeking fulfilment through something outside of yourself. Hmmm, it seems no matter how much I "lighten up",which I do all the time, there will always be that longing for a romantic relationship of some sort. This is pretty much irreversible, as it was my upbringing. I cannot change that or my deep feelings. It's part of my character now in a way. I disagree. Please believe me, the person you are now, will bear no resemblance to the person you will be in 10 years' time. Your level of social interaction, maturity and understanding will have altered unrecognisably. Character can change. People can effect variations in their thinking, and alter mind-sets. You may feel things cannot be changed now, but you are incorrect. I don't mean to get all deep on you, but PLEASE understand that my intentions do not exactly resemble that of most guys at my age. Oh, rest assured, I see that very clearly.... I have very high goals and aspirations that I work on everyday (College level classes, Cross Country running for my school, school clubs, etc.) so your notion that I don't have anything else to think about is wrong. This topic just happens to be one of the things that factor into my life. Don't let it be your primary goal; do not let it override other matters, and become an obsessive-ridden be-all-and-end-all. let it be A factor, not THE factor. Edited September 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fixed quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vero Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 Thanks a lot for you insight. It means a lot and I will learn from it. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 This is very tough in high school, because it is a small community, and even though I haven't been in HS for quite a while, I expect that there is some pressure to "go steady" with somebody very quickly, or to drop them and move on. There is no middle ground. It gets a lot easier in college, and also as an adult. The best cure to what ails you is to date a few ladies at once. If you're having judging how fast to ratchet it up, you can do two things: 1) Respond enthusiastically only when she drops you a hint. Don't escalate beyond her obvious level of interest. In other words: NOT THIS - SHE: 10...20....30...0 YOU: 10...20....100........... BUT THIS - SHE: 10...20....30...40...70 YOU: 10...20....35...40...75 keep your rising level of interest incremental. You can figure that out. 2) The other thing you can do is to keep a journal. Write it down as it happens, and then examine your reactions to see exactly where you go wrong. If you do it enough times, you'll be able to monitor yourself better, and squelch your outward enthusiasm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 here is my main conflict. Now that I am acting more true to myself by being "me" more, I don't know how to progress with a girl without resorting to the "1-100%" desperate method, which gets me nowhere. People say to stop looking and focus on yourself, but I have been doing this for a long time, and I feel like I've put on "blinds" to potential girlfriends that come my way. Help? Thanks. What does 1-100% mean? Do you mean you become obsessive and controlling very quickly? Or that you want immediate answers? Etc... Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 what IS this tragic obsession young men have with desperately HAVING to have a girlfriend? I mean, what the hell is the deal? Why is it so important? Is it hormones? The desire to have some kind of physical relationship? The perception that society and peers believe that if they DON'T have a girlfriend, they're abnormal, deficient, lacking in credibility, not serious, undateable, plain odd? Well, procreating is the reason we're on this earth... You can't blame someone for fulfilling their duty. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 You miss my point entirely. Fortunately, the OP didn't. Edit to add: Gratitude to the Moderator who kindly fixed my errant quote in my post, above. Most grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Try to get in some activities where you will have prolonged contact with the same girls. Lab partners, project partners, on a committee together, in debate together, not just with that girl but just girls in general. It's hard to get comfortable with someone when you're not around them enough. Highschool kayak team or swim team, work in the school library or taking photos or getting quotes for the yearbook. Go on bus trips and sit by girls you like and talk to them. It's not easy finding enough time to let someone get to know you, but that's how it is most natural. Soon you can get an after-school job. You might meet someone there. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vero Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 What does 1-100% mean? Do you mean you become obsessive and controlling very quickly? Or that you want immediate answers? Etc... Obsessive and desperate. Link to post Share on other sites
R3d Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I am just like you Vero. I am a 16-year-old guy and I want romance and a real tomantic relationship, for a few years really depe down, and past 7 months actively again. Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Obsessive and desperate. Okay, so stop it. There are speeds between 0 and "obsessive and desperate." Stop escalating so quickly and slow things down. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Why, yes of course, it must be all their fault, it stands to reason... Of course you bear little or no responsibility for this situation, am I right? Link to post Share on other sites
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