If she getting out of this abusive relationship, is she going to want another?

[Undertaker]

This is not a short story, but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

 

I met this girl at work about a year and a half ago. Ever since the first day I met her, I thought she was beautiful and for some reason (other than that) I was really drawn to her. Over the first couple of months we worked together, we talked alot. Other people we worked with began to assume that we were dating or that something was going on. Despite the fact that I wish there was...there really wasn't anything going on but some casual flirting. I was dating someone and so was she. In fact, one of the things she used to always tell me is how mean he was to her and how she didn't know how much longer she wanted to be with him.

 

Meanwhile, I was so curious to know just how into me she was, so I wanted to see just how far the flirting would go. This one day, we went out to lunch together...she lied to her BF and said she was working...anyway, we went back to her house after lunch and I met her family and we just hung out for a while (nothing happened). My boss later told me that she made a comment to him about how she thinks she likes me but she thinks she should just stay with her BF.

 

Finally, I decided to just ask her straight out "do you like me"? She told me, "of course I like you but I have a BF". I said, "what if you didn't?" She said, "but I don't know....because I do have a BF". Well, from that day forward... I made up my mind that I wasn't going to talk to her...at least not like I/we used to. I wasn't mean to her, but I just couldn't put up with listening to her talk about how bad her relationship was with her BF but yet she didn't want to do anything about it. Not to mention...I really liked her, so it would just hurt that much more to just kinda be friends with her.

 

Anyway, time went on. We would talk sometimes about things. She had some health problems and I voiced my concern for her at the same time trying to keep my distance. She had more health problems around X-mas last year so I mailed her a present...which she wrote me a note and thanked me for. I also decided to give her a Valentines day present last year but it was just some little stuffed animal...no big deal.

 

Currently, things have changed. I no longer have a girlfriend. And she has now moved in with her BF and his parents (he's a loser). THIS IS WHERE THE STORY GETS INTERESTING: The other day, everyone from work went out for a night on the town. She showed up with a couple of other people I work with and I could tell she'd been drinking. I talked to her privately and she told me that it has been so long since she's been able to go out. Her BF is really possesive and he doesn't let her go anywhere. She even told me that she can't wear makeup or some of the clothes that she wants because he'll call her a whore or a slut. I asked her how she was going to be able to get home or how she was going to be able to explain anything about her current condition to her BF. She said that she didn't know. She was nervous. She asked me if I'd drive her vehicle for her, I told her I would.

 

The group of us tried to get into this bar....we're all over 21 except for her so she couldn't get in. I told everyone that they could stay and we would just go drive around for awhile and maybe stop at the store. By this time, she was holding my hand and putting her arms around me as drunk people do. Only she was really getting close to me. I didn't really put any stock into it. We decided to walk around the block to this 24 hour sex-shop and stop in. She talked some more about how much trouble she was going to be in when she got home and that her BF would probably kick her out.

 

She started telling me more about her verbally abusive boy friend. She almost cried a couple of times. I asked her why she doesn't just leave him and she said that when she tries to, she gets to the point of where she feels like she's never gonna see him again and she gets scared. We talked for a little bit longer (still in the sex shop) and then we started kissing...alot! I stopped her and asked her if I was the only person she's ever kissed besides her BF. She said yes. I felt like she was probably just doing this because she was drunk. So I asked her if she was going to be mad at me tomarrow because she's drunk and I might be taking advantage of her. She said that I wasn't taking advantage and she's not that drunk. We talked about the things that I gave her in the past and she told me that she's kept everything I ever gave her (some of which, I even forgot about)

 

We stayed for a while longer...kissing and talking. By this time, we had to pick up another guy from work at the bar, so we drove over. We drove back to his house and he offered to let the girl stay over...I told her that she could stay with me. So she chose to come home with me instead. We got back to my house and she was tired and still feeling the alochol so she changed (right in front of me) and crawled into my bed and put her arms around me and we went kissed for awhile and then just went to sleep.

 

The next morning when we woke up, I thought she'd be "distant" towards me. Or act like she made a mistake, but she didn't. She put her arms around me again and we kissed. We talked a little bit longer. She brought up the part I explained earlier about how I haven't talked to her like I used to. I told her it was because the way she talked & acted towards me gave me mixed signals. She apologized for if she lead me on. I said, "well, that's great but what are you doing with me now?" She said she didn't know and that she's never done anything like this before. I told her that I understand.

 

She left for work and I had to work as well a couple hours later. I showed up and asked her if her BF called. She said that he did and he just immediately told her to get her stuff out of the house without even asking where she was. He finally did ask where she was and she told him that she had too much to drink and didn't wanna drive. I asked her what she was going to do and she said that she'd go get her stuff when he wasn't home and move in with her grandparents.

 

Later that day, I asked her if she'd come stay with me again. She said that she thought it would be a better idea to just get her stuff moved in and she was gonna call her Mom and her best friend. I agreed, even though I liked my idea better. I told her that if she needed to talk or if she ever needed to stay with me that she could call me anytime.

 

SO...that was a couple days ago. I don't know what to think about all of this. I know that this isn't the ideal situation to get into with another girl. But, all I can say is that I think I love her and maybe I always have. I just don't know how she feels about me. She's not the type to just do what she did with...with anyone else. She didn't seem like she had any regrets or reservations about being intimate wth me. But I just don't know how to go about this. IF she really is getting out of this abusive relationship, is she going to want to be in another one? How do I tell her that I want to be with her without scaring her off? I'm not sure if she really knows that I have had this crush on her for this long. How do I know if she would want to even be with me? HELP!!!

[Devildog]

I must have missed the time essential part that required a 2nd post 20 minutes later demanding to know why no one had responded to this thread. Are you sure you might not be more controlling than the last guy?

 

Anyway, she seems interested in you if she spent the night at your place and didn't seem to have any regrets the next morning. Anyone with any amount of sense isn't going to move right in with someone that quickly, so I don't think you should take that as her not wanting to date you.

[moimeme]

BTW, if you want lots of answers, you might consider posting before most of the Eastern, Central and Mountain time zone dwellers are in bed.

[jellybean]

Geez man ....I mean - what's with the URGENCY?!!?

 

She's going to need time to recover from an abusive relationship...it's a transition period for her.

 

How do I know if she would want to even be with me? HELP!!!

 

That's just plain selfishness on your part....why not try just being a little more understanding and respectful due to what she's going through, and be there for her as a friend. She sounds like she really likes you - so no worries there.

 

You must learn to be a little more patient in these type of situations.

 

Don't pressure this girl into something she's not ready for.

[newby]

I could tell she'd been drinking

putting her arms around me as drunk people do

So I asked her if she was going to be mad at me tomarrow because she's drunk and I might be taking advantage of her. She said that I wasn't taking advantage and she's not that drunk.

QUOTE

i'm sorry but this doesnt make sense to me

[Craig]

I think the relationship is off to a good start. You already knows that she lies to her BF, doesn't have a problem making out with someone other than her BF what more could a man want? You also only have her side of the story regarding her BF but if it's true that he's an abusive loser then why is she with him and why do you think that you have a chance with her?

 

Is there a slight chance that her BF is sick of her sh*t and her not coming home that night and not calling him was just the last straw for him so he told her to move out?

 

Hey, I'm no expert here but don't abusive males have a reputation of not letting their victims go?

[Undertaker]

Actually, if you read my story thoroughly, you'd see that it's been over a year that I've been "patient" about this whole thing. I can relate to what she's going through, but that doesn't mean that I should have to sit here with unanswered questions.

[Undertaker]

Craig

 

I'm usually pretty good at judging whether or not someone is lying to me. She told me flat out that she's never lied to her BF before and she's never done anything like this before and I believe her.

 

As for getting out of an abusive relationship...I've watched enough movies on the Lifetime Network to know that abusive relationships are difficult to get out of.

[_Saffy_]

is it me, or is there just too much 'tude around here?

 

under......chill.....people are just offering their advice and opinions.....they might not be the same as yours but its what you wanted.

[Undertaker]

No attitude intended. It's just that instead of answering the questions I have and listed at the end of my post, people are instead just judging us. I don't really need that.

[_Saffy_]

IF she really is getting out of this abusive relationship, is she going to want to be in another one? How do I tell her that I want to be with her without scaring her off? I'm not sure if she really knows that I have had this crush on her for this long. How do I know if she would want to even be with me? HELP!!!

 

 

 

no she probably wont want to be in another relationship for a while.

 

she already knows you want to be with her

 

yes she knows you have a crush.....you just spent a long time snogging in a sex shop.

 

you dont know if she will want to be with you. time is the only thing that can tell that.

 

 

 

and noone is judging you, they are just giving their opinions.

[Undertaker]

I assume that "snogging" means kissing!?! That must be a british thing! Anyway, everything sounds good but what should I do then? Should I just wait around hoping that she brings up the subject of us potentially dating? Should I ask her out on a date?

[_Saffy_]

yeah snogging = kissing.

 

 

i would give her some space for a while, what you dont want is to push things, and be careful not to slip into a "friends" role.

 

give her a couple of weeks, then ask her out on a date.

[Undertaker]

A couple weeks??? Are you sure? I was thinking a couple days maybe...but weeks? That's a long time.

[_Saffy_]

well, a couple of days is not a long time at all. she needs some space to get her head together, and her thoughts sorted. you dont want her to come out of one relationship and dive head first into another one before she has had chance to even adapt do you?

[Undertaker]

You're probably right. But do you think that maybe she's always had feelings for me? (meaning, since we first started talking/flirting) OR do you think that the stuff with her BF was so bad that she just turned to the first person she felt comfortable with?

 

I know she needs time, but I'm just really confused. I know that if I were her, I would be thinking about me and how she needs to at least talk to me about what's going on. I don't know, maybe I'm just being crazy right now.

[bluechocolate]

A couple weeks??? Are you sure? I was thinking a couple days maybe...but weeks? That's a long time.

 

yet earlier you say

 

......you'd see that it's been over a year that I've been "patient" about this whole thing

 

She was going out with the guy for a year & ended up living with him. I wouldn't be surprised if she needed a couple of months, never mind weeks.

 

Maybe she won't even want to have a boyfriend at all & want to try dating different guys for a while.

 

from Craig

Hey, I'm no expert here but don't abusive males have a reputation of not letting their victims go?

I was curious that the now ex-b/friend was eager to have her gone so quickly.

 

IMO there's more going on here than she's telling you.

 

But do you think that maybe she's always had feelings for me?

 

Ask her.

[Undertaker]

Here's the thing:

 

I don't pretend to have a halo above my head or anything, but this guy is a first-class jerk and doesn't deserve her.

 

Did I get her little gifts and stuff? Sure. But like I said, I just wanted to see if she really liked me. When it came down to it & I asked her, she chose to stay with her BF instead.

 

For whatever reason, there's a certain type of person to say "This relationship is messed up and I need to get out of it". She's probably not one of those people. IF she finally did get out. Doesn't that say something about ANYTHING that when she went so far as to make out with a dude (of all places at a sex shop!) and stay at his house...she knew it had to be over?

 

Some people act like every relationship starts out with candy, roses and holding hands? C'mon people. Watch "The OC" for once.

[Undertaker]

Although, I also watch wrestling. So that doesn't say much about me!

[Undertaker]

I found out today through a mutual friend that she did actually finally move out of her BF's house and they are broken up. Maybe I shouldn't be happy but his loss is hopefully my gain.

 

I don't know how to go about talking to her though. I'd like to tell her that I'd be happy to have a relationship with her but I'd understand if she wanted to take it slow. Any thoughts?

[bluechocolate]

I'd like to tell her that I'd be happy to have a relationship with her but I'd understand if she wanted to take it slow.

 

That sounds pretty good to me.

 

But perhaps rather than saying "have a relationship" you could say something like "have the chance to get to know each other better".

 

Personally I'd be wary if she was gung-ho to jump straight into another relationship. That would make you the rebound guy & they rarely make the distance.

[Undertaker]

What are the chances that she doesn't like me at all? That she just got carried away? Or that she's too scared to get into another relationship?

[Undertaker]

...to "Does she want to be with me"? Maybe I'm stupid, but I just have a hard time being able to tell if a girl likes me.

[shamen]

She's going to need some time to get over her last relationship. Be her friend. Be there for her, and as bluechocolate said, get to know each other better. Yeah, you two have been friends for a year or so, but there's still lots of things to learn about each other.

 

Obviously she likes you or she wouldn't have ended up in bed with you, eh?

 

Just give her time, I seriously doubt that she'll be ready to jump into another relationship with a guy at the moment. Like blue said again, that would make you the rebound...

[Undertaker]

That whole "rebound" thing is a sticky situation. It's not like I want to wait for her to go out with another guy first JUST so that I'm not the rebound guy. But all that aside, I don't know if I qualify as the 'rebound' guy if it turns out that she's had feelings for me all along. I think I'd be called the "other guy"...or something like that.