If she getting out of this abusive relationship, is she going to want another?

[shamen]

Being the rebound guy is not necessarily the first guy that someone dates after a break up. It's the guy that a woman dates immediately after a break up... Give her some time to heal, eh? I'm sure that she needs it.

[Undertaker]

I know that you're probably right...but it's just that I've waited for soooooo long already. I mean, the only way I could get her out of my head this whole time was to basically not talk to her for like 10 months, that is, before all of this happened.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by shamen

She's going to need some time to get over her last relationship. Be her friend. Be there for her, and as bluechocolate said, get to know each other better. Yeah, you two have been friends for a year or so, but there's still lots of things to learn about each other.

 

Obviously she likes you or she wouldn't have ended up in bed with you, eh?

 

Just give her time, I seriously doubt that she'll be ready to jump into another relationship with a guy at the moment. Like blue said again, that would make you the rebound...

 

I agree with this advice. Definately give it time. Give her a chance to sort out her emotions. Obviously she does feel something for you, but you wont gain anything by trying to rush into something.

[MsMree]

and i can already tell that you are not going to like my response. I think (as already stated) that you should state you'd like to get to know her/spend time w/her when she is ready.

 

Then... just sit back and see what unfolds. Look, she's in no shape to judge what she wants and if you really do care for her then give her time - if you believe in the "if it's meant to be" philosphy then you will see that is the best way to handle this. If you jump right in on her w/what YOU want you may be viewed as a victimizer here, preying on her when she is weak (even if this is not your intention).

 

One last thing - you sound like you are very young - at your age it is a LONG life - one that is going to have many outcomes for you - some good, some not so good. In light of this reasoning loosen-up and realize the only thing you ever have control over is yourself (and sometimes not even that!!).

 

Best of luck!!

[Undertaker]

Well, I'm actually 25...I don't know if you consider that to be "very young". I know I don't!

[amourseeker]

Ok the way I see it from what I read is that you really care for this person......and I know this is not what you want to hear, but you are going to have to give her some time to get over this relationship no matter how bad it was, she obviously had feelings for him if she moved in with the loser! But now that she doesn't live with him...you could be the supportive shoulder to cry on as much as it will kill you!! I know you have been waiting a long time already, but while you were waiting she was in a relationship...now she's not and she will need time to sort through her mind...you don't want to be the rebound guy, we all know that NEVER lasts!!! So just give her some space and let her know you are there to help her in any way and that you have no problem waiting for her because she is worth it! Tell her you will give her space if she needs it or all of your time if she needs that........just let her know that she is 1st on your priority list and you will wait and understand the time she needs will only make her a stronger person. I believe everyone meets people for a reason, even a**h***s......because you always learn a lesson from them. And in the future it makes you realize what you do want to get out of a relationship and definatley what you don't want in one. She will most likely look back at her old relationship as some stupid mistakes she has made in the past, but now is ready to find what she truly deserves...hopefully that means you!

[BoatingBabe]

Here is what I think you should do.....

 

Keep showing her attention, be there for her, be her confidante...and then just ask her for a date, not a relationships...DATE her for a while...and if it's meant to be...it will turn into a relationship...but certainly don't pressure her, or she will run and you will lose her for good....let things take their course...be there, but don't be there TOO much.

[nicki]

okay, i'll give you my humble opinion. i've been the woman in an abusive relationship....please be very careful with her.

 

she will need a couple of months to get her bearings. it takes a while to understand what healthy behavior and boundaries are.

 

don't push her, but take her out, have fun. be lighthearted with her. she needs that kind of stuff. if she moves to fast, back her off. she may be confused, and pretty needy.

 

good luck. it sounds like she likes you but, as you know, that's not usually enough...

 

bottom line: be there for her, but give it a good six months of slow moving. she'll definitely have trust issues for a while.

[Undertaker]

Under different circumstances, I would whole-heartedly agree about the "take it slow" thing...in fact, I'd LOVE to take her out on dates or whatever. But I'm just wondering; why would she tell me that she needs more time, or needs to take it slow, if she's the one that kissed me and she's the one that decided to stay at my house? That's not really taking it slow.

[BoatingBabe]

She was drunk and feeling vulnerable...With that said and done....from this point forward, take it slow...what's in the past is BEFORE the break up.

[amourseeker]

well remember she was drinking!!! And she is most likely very confused herself! Do you want to be the guy that she ends up saying to herself...oh my god what am I doing??? If she does seem to go too quickly you need to be man enough and the mature one to make it stop and tell her...you are dying to kiss her too BUT you know she is not ready for it and you aren't ready to get hurt in the process

[nicki]

She will most likely be confused. She'll want you. She'll be scared. She'll want to be alone. She won't want to lose you....

 

So, it's your job to back her off if SHE gets too serious too soon. If she can count on you to be healthy emotionally, it will teach her how to do the same. She'll also grow to trust you if she knows that you won't let her rush things before their time.

 

Show her that you have her and your relationship's best interests at heart, not your own selfish ones.

 

Always let her know that you really like her and are attracted to her, but pace things SLOWLY or she will run...trust me on this one...

 

The guy who finally got me was patient beyond belief. He made me feel cherished and safe. I trust him 100%, but it took six months for me to relax enough to begin to do that...while he continuously showed me tenderness, consistency of actions/words, and boundaries...

 

oh, and always keep your word to her. don't break promises. if you need to, talk to her before hand if possible. always explain, apologize, etc....she will be looking for you to be a man of his word...it's the trust thing, again...

 

she will heal, and you can help her, but she must work on herself, too.

[the_opposite_sex]

I got your pm wanting my advice so here I am I read your story thoroughly, but there's not much I can say that other ppl haven't said already lol I've had friends of mine who's been in similar situations as you tho. I'm not gonna tell ya to wait b/c you've done enough of that already. She's just confused atm. And if she's under 21, then she's fairly young as well. Hell, I shouldn't talk, I AM 21 But don't just spend all your time focusing on this one girl, especially if nothing's become of it yet. I could understand you feelin this way if you'd been w/ her for a long time and there came a break up, but you guys haven't even reached the b/f-g/f "stage" at all have you? I understand you really like her, but let her figure this out on her own and just continue to offer your support as you been doin. Don't expect anything b/c that's when your gonna get hurt.

[Ms_Sweetness]

You also asked for my opinion so here it is. This girl is dealing with alot of emotions right now and probably isn't very sure of what she really wants. The last thing she probably really wants is a new relationship. Give her a little room to breathe and DO NOT pressure her into getting into a relationship with you, instead be comforting to her when she needs you.

[Undertaker]

So far, I've heard a number of reoccuring themes:

 

1. She's confused

2. She needs time to figure things out

3. Be there to support her

 

Okay, having said that...then I have some follow-up questions:

 

1. Is she in to me or not? (c'mon, you either are or you're not...there is no confusion about that)

 

2. What should I do to communicate that I want to date her but at the same time, not scare her off? I don't mind if she wants to take it slow...I'd understand, but I can't just ask her once-a-week if she's ready to go out or anything

[Ms_Sweetness]

I honestly think that she only likes you as a friend. She knows that you want more but she doesn't know how to tell you that she only likes you as a friend. The only thing left for you to do is try to accept her as your friend, who knonw maybe she will change her mind after she heals from her past relationship. Obviously, she was in love with her ex, so it will take a while for her to be with another guy.

[Undertaker]

Why do you think that?

[Ms_Sweetness]

I think this because

1. She lost someone that she loved. She isn't looking to be with other men right now.

2. She is hurting in ways that you probably can't imagine

3. I am a female and I was once afraid to tell guys that I only wanted friendship

[Undertaker]

She was still going out with him when we kissed and she spent the night. She broke up with him the day after. Does that change your opinion at all?

[newby]

i think that the book "he's just not that into you" can also be translated into "she's just not that into you" read it and apply it in reverse. also somebody on this forum said:

"if a guy isnt into you nothing on this earth will change his mind, if a guy is into you nothing on this earth will keep him away"

you can read that as "if a girl....."

i'm sorry to sound harsh but i think relationships are pretty much all about timing and states of mind, it is sooo delicate. if two people come together at just that moment where everything is in harmony then thats gonna be a good relationship, if it is out of balance then it could still be a relationship but an unequal one, if it is way out, theres never gonna be a relationship.

i think this falls into the latter.

the harmonious one can get knocked out but a little fine tuning can sort it again.

the inharmonious can sometimes work but only for a moment.

the inbetween, well unfortunately thats where most fall.

you are lucky in one way that this isnt even going to start, really.

everytime i begin having to ask questions about someone i like, my next question is always, "why am i having to ask questions?", if you are not sure its because its not a sure thing

[MsMree]

You have to figure some of this on your own!! I think this is gett'g obsessive!! Take a chill pill or 10.

[Bubbles]

O.K. you pm'd me and asked for my opinion also. Hell.......that was a long read.

 

#1 You are much farther and deeper in love with her and she will need about 2 years to catch up with you.

#2 Calm the hell down. You are impatient and you will loose her because of it.

#3 She does'nt even really know who you are.

#4 You need to find a new Obsession before this one kills you. Go to the gym and burn off that pent up energy.

 

Why would you title this thread the way that you did? You have made it sound like YOU are the NEW abusive relationship and come to think of it.....the way you are obsessed over her? I think you already may be. You can only help her if she wants your help. Obviously she wants to work this out on her own. She needs to.

 

If you really care about her? You need to take a few steps back. I don't care how long you have already waited for her......THAT is not HER problem. She can take as long as she wants to get over and past the break-up. Another thing, did you notice that she did not tell you directly that she broke up with her boyfriend? Maybe she does'nt want you to know.

 

bubbles

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, I'm here giving the opinion that you asked for.

 

When I met my bf I was just out of a loveless marriage. He too didn't want to be the rebound guy. How he handled it was VERY SLOWLY. We started talking a bit and after several/calls/emails/texts etc he said "You know, when you think you're ready, I'd really like to get to know you better. I think you're wonderful- strong, beautiful, a great mom and I'm interested in knowing someone who has all those qualities". He sold me on the things he said about me- except it wasn't superficial things like "You're so hot". He let me take the lead in the situation. When I was emotional about things he was patient.... he didn't fly off the handle and get stressed out about it. He kept his promises- he made sure that he didn't take me for granted (a major problem in my marriage)

 

Is she into you?? She's probably confused. She may be attracted to you but she's got alot on her plate right now. She was reaching out to you because you have been around.

 

My advice is to let her know you'd like to date her but tell her you're not going to pressure her. Tell her to come to you when she thinks she's ready if she'd like to.

Then, sit back and wait. If you call her- I would just say, "How ARE you?" and not make it about me or her seeing me.

[LittleMiss]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Okay, I'm here giving the opinion that you asked for.

 

Is she into you?? She's probably confused. She may be attracted to you but she's got alot on her plate right now. She was reaching out to you because you have been around.

 

My advice is to let her know you'd like to date her but tell her you're not going to pressure her. Tell her to come to you when she thinks she's ready if she'd like to.

Then, sit back and wait. If you call her- I would just say, "How ARE you?" and not make it about me or her seeing me.

 

I agree with Mz. Pixie you need to give her time. Let her know your feelings and then let her come to you. If she doesn't respond then you know she only wants to remain friends. You really need to give her time and space to get herself together. She can't just jump into another relationship yet. She has to go through a process from getting out of this last relationship.

[lostgirl26]

Well you asked for my advice also. I have to agree with most of what has been said. I can relate in the fact that you are and have been really interested in someone for a long time. Waiting and watching really sucks but...at this point its really probably the best thing to do. You asked whether she will want to be with another abusive person? Thats really hard to answer and I am not a psychologist by any means but if you read a lot of the posts under that section or even just watch tv and read the paper you will find that a lot of women having problems moving on or getting out of abusive relationships. Its something that is somehow instilled in them while in the relationship, like they learn that type of behavior is "ok" or "loving" so they begin to know nothing else. The abuser themself makes it real hard for that person to move on. We as humans tend to gravitate towards what we know, are used to and comfortable with. Some women stay because they know no better and it all depends on the type of abuse thats going on.

 

I think its good that she has moved out and is staying with family. It will take her time to come around and realize what she truly wants for herself and in life. You probably don't want to hear this but in the end you may not be what she wants afterall even though she has said she "likes" you. She really needs time to think things out, I understand you have been patient for a year or more but I would just be a good friend(as stabbingly painful that may be) and support her. I don't see why you could not tell her about your feelings, but it may also confuse her, there is no way to tell for sure. That unfortunely does not help answer your question, but some of it is very hard to answer, thats what makes us such unique individuals. I hope that my answer does not further confuse or upset you but thats my take on it. Good luck!