Am I wrong about thinking my wife shouldn't have guy friends.

[CPLMarine2000]

Originally posted by Breathe

What is more important to you, your friends or your husband? If you say your friends then I suggest you get an annulment soon. If you say your husband - then you need to make some changes to make him feel more comfortable. At the same time, he needs to meet you half way with those changes. It's not your way and it's not his way. Compromise.

 

I have gave up many friends because they have not respected my relationship with my husband in any way... and a few because my husaband had valid reason for not liking them... like the ones professing their love for me. It's not the issue of trust it's just that... I dunno brandon kinda believes the worse of things. it's like the corp has trained him never to get his hopes up... he's always telling me for him going back over seas again to prepare myself for the worse. Its like he prepares himself for the worse. His parents are the same in a way. I understand that and try to comfort that side. I have not gone out once since he's been back, hence since we've been married. He has with his friend and we have to his friends. I always go with him whereever he wants, to whichever of his male friends and their women. Because his friends are worth it to him for his time. But he will not just give me one chance to go out and see my friend preform in their band even tho he likes that type of music. He doesn't believe that an alt band can consist w/o them all being druggies. Also because one of their songs talks about drugs... lets face it drugs alcohol, depression, sex, violence sells. Thats what most songs are about. His main thing is "why put yourself inthe position for it to happen" meaning if i hang out with a guy one just might sometime make a move on me. So it's like he expects me to ditch all my men friend and try to find female friends cuz one just might start liking me. it's like never flying because you're afraid of a plain crash. I lost my big brother nov 2001... my grandfather shot him aiming towards me... it's an Fed up situation... anyways i was his lil sis, his lil buddy. I lost that man figure in my life that i always hung out with, looked to for advice and him the same. After his death very few of my men friends became really close to me, they kinda picked up my brothers shoes because they cared. If they were men i was going to have a love affair with dont someone think i would have in the past any of the many times them and i were both single. I dont surround myself with iffy men. I'm smarter than that, i dont like being disrespected and to me someone not respecting the fact i'm happily married is someone disrespecting me.

[jmargel]

This is not necessarily about insecurity or trust. It has more to do that the wife has come from one background and the husband has come from a totally opposite one.

 

Wife: Has alot of male friends who are close to her. She was a tomboy and relates better to men, not for sexual reasons just personality wise. She feels more comfortable with them then females.

 

Husband: Comes from a background that revolves around men. In the environment that he is in men often portray women as objects, as nothing more then sex objects. Close friends of his will think of his own kind as immoral and with hidden objectives in mind.

 

So, this said when you two discuss this situation of course you are going to have clashes. This all comes down to communication, and if you two don't get something worked out then this is going to get worse where the two of you drift apart.

 

You two definetly marriage counseling. It's not a issue whether the wife or husband is wrong, it's a matter of communicating better, compromising and being more compassionate about the other.

 

Husband: I can understand where you are coming from. Alot of men who are 'friends' with a female would like to have something more with them, even if it's just sexual. Not all men are like this, but yes IMO a good amount would. It's not about trusting her, it's about not giving them the opportunity to hit on your wife, to try and get closer to her to "get in on the kill"

 

Wife: I can understand where you come from to. You look at these male friends in a totally different manner. They are non-threatening and would not push themselves onto you. You also should have the freedom to choose your own friends and not be "controlled" as you may feel.

 

You husband is not trying to control you, he is being protective of his own self-interests (ie. you). However you two need to discuss this among a MC to get to a compromise. Marrying after only 3 months of dating is very fast and often problems will arise because both people in the marriage don't truly know the other person "inside and out" yet.

 

You will discover *alot* about the other when you goto MC. Please consider this.

[CPLMarine2000]

Originally posted by jmargel

This is not necessarily about insecurity or trust. It has more to do that the wife has come from one background and the husband has come from a totally opposite one.

 

Wife: Has alot of male friends who are close to her. She was a tomboy and relates better to men, not for sexual reasons just personality wise. She feels more comfortable with them then females.

 

Husband: Comes from a background that revolves around men. In the environment that he is in men often portray women as objects, as nothing more then sex objects. Close friends of his will think of his own kind as immoral and with hidden objectives in mind.

 

So, this said when you two discuss this situation of course you are going to have clashes. This all comes down to communication, and if you two don't get something worked out then this is going to get worse where the two of you drift apart.

 

You two definetly marriage counseling. It's not a issue whether the wife or husband is wrong, it's a matter of communicating better, compromising and being more compassionate about the other.

 

Husband: I can understand where you are coming from. Alot of men who are 'friends' with a female would like to have something more with them, even if it's just sexual. Not all men are like this, but yes IMO a good amount would. It's not about trusting her, it's about not giving them the opportunity to hit on your wife, to try and get closer to her to "get in on the kill"

 

Wife: I can understand where you come from to. You look at these male friends in a totally different manner. They are non-threatening and would not push themselves onto you. You also should have the freedom to choose your own friends and not be "controlled" as you may feel.

 

You husband is not trying to control you, he is being protective of his own self-interests (ie. you). However you two need to discuss this among a MC to get to a compromise. Marrying after only 3 months of dating is very fast and often problems will arise because both people in the marriage don't truly know the other person "inside and out" yet.

 

You will discover *alot* about the other when you goto MC. Please consider this.

 

I would, he wouldn't. He is old fashion. He doesn't air his dirty laundry.. i was suprized he posted this, but i do believe the thought he was going to get more people seeing his way, the only reaosn he did it. I used to be in Couselling and see no problem with it. I find it refreshing. He is completely different. It is how his family raised him. I understand that and just decided i'll put up a fight and if it comes down to it put up the sacrafise because i love him. in the end i will do anything to make him happy because that makes me happy.

[RowanRavyn]

The military poseses its own unique stressors, and you are probably right. His boys are probably telling him, "Man you have all those dudes over to your house when you are out, you KNOW they want to be bonking her."

 

I was married to an Army Ranger. I feel your pain. Cpl....you need to consider counseling. IF you want this to work.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by CPLMarine2000

I would, he wouldn't. He is old fashion. He doesn't air his dirty laundry.. i was suprized he posted this, but i do believe the thought he was going to get more people seeing his way, the only reaosn he did it. I used to be in Couselling and see no problem with it. I find it refreshing. He is completely different. It is how his family raised him. I understand that and just decided i'll put up a fight and if it comes down to it put up the sacrafise because i love him. in the end i will do anything to make him happy because that makes me happy.

 

Is your husband still reading these posts? I know how he feels with the whole counselling thing. My family raised me to not need stuff like that, and the Marine Corps re-inforced that. It's a crazy kind of pride thing. You don't need help they make you think. But like me, he is probably thinking this on his own, it isn't something the Corps or anyone else is relly specifically saying to him.

 

Counselling has done a lot of good for me. Helped me to overcome some serious issues I had with a wide range of problems, including grief over the loss of a child. It can help him.

 

And if advice isn't going to cut it, tell him a senior Marine Corporal ordered him to go.

 

If he needs to talk to someone who can understand the unique issues of military life and relationships, he can PM me through this board.

[Cecelius]

When I first arrived on the island, the Staff Sgt. who was in charge of having us shaved and put into "go-fasters", also confiscated all pictures of women from wallets (except one's momma), placed them on the "hog board" and affectionately referred to them as community property...

 

This is an ancient discussion, and to me, the view is pretty simple.

 

A man works to authentically not be bothered by much of anything, since if it bothers him he probably ought to eschew it generally. Once you are secure in who you are and what you want, a lot of stuff won't bother you.

 

Nevertheless, having a ton of male friends is usually a red flag, at least till you figure out what the lay of the land is. There are no axioms in life that are ever absolute, but people who intentionally put themselves into situations where nothing good can come from it (girls, male friends, bars, booze and base guitars), will usually get nothing good from it.

 

It's not a question of being mistrustful or insecure (unless there are some other issues involved), it's a question of not ignoring reality: a girl who has mostly male friends may be the greatest, truest girl in the world, but she's always going to have more dude's copping feels, putting the moves on her, etc., than a girl with more traditional friend-sets.

 

If you're not okay with this (meaning, you can't take a casual view of the relationship) the answer is to find a girl who doesn't do this. People are entitled to be who they are and do what they want without being judged; if they do something you think is not okay or that just bugs you, you always have the power to walk away.

[jmargel]

in the end i will do anything to make him happy because that makes me happy.

 

That'll never work in the end. Arguements will continue to happen and you'll start resenting him. Personally when I went for counseling it was like a stress reliever. He needs to put his 'pride' behind him and go with you. Not because he's in the wrong, but for you two to understand each other on another level.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by Cecelius

 

It's not a question of being mistrustful or insecure (unless there are some other issues involved), it's a question of not ignoring reality: a girl who has mostly male friends may be the greatest, truest girl in the world, but she's always going to have more dude's copping feels, putting the moves on her, etc., than a girl with more traditional friend-sets.

 

If you're not okay with this (meaning, you can't take a casual view of the relationship) the answer is to find a girl who doesn't do this. People are entitled to be who they are and do what they want without being judged; if they do something you think is not okay or that just bugs you, you always have the power to walk away.

 

 

The first part of your post quoted above I find offensive. I have more guy friends than girl friends, and I have not experience more "copping feels, putting moves" on me. In fact, I have probably experience LESS (while I was dating) because of it. That was fine with me. My guy friends are very protective of me.

 

The key is having very well defined boundaries. A true friend will not try to force you past those boundaries. Be they male of female. These days with people being more open sexually, I would like to interject that there is no more "danger" in your SO have male friends than female friends. I know a LOT of bi-sexual girls. Funny thing is that so many males find this OK. For me cheating is cheating, but I digress.

 

The second part of your post rings very true. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

[Cecelius]

Rowann -- I can't argue with what you say -- when you look at your SO, do you see someone who has the maturity and morals to have firm, established boundries and there is no evidence that something is going to get passed them, and that dispells an otherwise red flag.

 

Most folks, though, go through a maturation process wherein they are firm with their intent not to let anything happen, but mix in a little booze, some attention, etc., and their boundries get moved to the side. Its really a question of looking at how old your SO is, how reckless they are, etc.

 

You cannot focus on the guys themselves -- you're not dating them and you don't care what they do, say, etc. You should never be in a position of deciding whether someone else is decent enough not to put the moves on your SO.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Merin

Me thinks that people often judge others based upon what they themselves are doing or are very capable of doing...

 

My ex was quite insecure.

 

An oft-repeated litany during our marriage was her certainty that I was destined to leave her for a blonde 19-year-old in a size 4 tall. Occasionally accomapnied by threats of what I could expect to happen if I ever actually did such a thing.

 

As things turned out, she was the one who entered into the adulterous relationship, & walked out of the marriage with the other man.

[Groovy]

I think when you get married one of the things you need to do is accept each others friends and family, even though they may be different than you. Let that person keep those people in their life because it is part of who they are and if you love them you don't take that away. Unless your husband has seen drinking, drugs, etc on these people the judgement is not fair. But I can understand someone wanting to be there when you are with these people. You say he just doesn't want to, but it good that opportunity is there.

 

I have tried to get him to meet my friends, to hang out with them. He doesn't want to. He labels them all as pierced shut, tattooed up and druggies. And they aren't. He just stereotypes them. My best friend ryan whom i met years ago from my best female friend from highschool is in a alt band. he has 2 piercings and no tattoo's. is against weed for his own reasons. yet brandon labels him. ryan isn't even a man whore, he's still searching for mrs right in the spare time he has between working and touring around preforming. Yet ryan still wants to take time out to come over and play xbox with my husband but my husband doesn't want to meet him, to even give him a chance to show who he is. while he was gone on base for a few months I had a few guy friends stop in, which i always told my husband about, half the time was on the phone the big part of the time while they were there with my husband. At the time of all of them stopping by, they all had girlfriends.

My husband blows everything out of poportion. Most of my friends couldn't make it to my wedding. The ones of my male friends that did come, a few did tell brandon they had feelings for me and since i have not communitcated with those men now. Every friend i had at the wedding cept my best female friend from highschool my husband made fun of. He makes fun of some of my male friends because they are gay.

Yet when he was at base and he went to the stripjoint to "make sure his men got home safe" I didnt yell at him and accuse him of things when his men paid for numerous lap dances. Because I trust my husband completely. I dont even care if he wanted to ahng out with female friends, but he doesn't talk to any of his again. I wish my husband would just come back to reality and realize he has nothing to worry about.

I'm a house wife now, at home with the child. I dont have anyway to meet new friends or other mom's or marine wives. it's like he expects me to stay at home and never have any friends other than my own best female friend from highschool.

[Jeffrey]

You married a woman and you never met her best friend?

 

Dude, you're young. You're going to have to grow up and just trust her. Why you place emphasis on the trust of other men doesn't make sense.

[GetOverYourself]

but my husband shouldn't have trusted me with those "friends"

 

 

I said stuff like, "they want to be your friend...."

"like a brother to me...."

blah blah blah

what I meant was, "I will so f him........."

 

maybe that's just me