Ex passed by when I was on a date

[doeblin]

Everybody says you should go running. But does walking (dunno, for an hour) have the same effect?

 

Yes. Walking, jogging, running, and aerobic are all good ways to improve mood.

 

 

"How does exercise relieve depression? For many years, experts have known that exercise enhances the action of endorphins, chemicals that circulate throughout the body. Endorphins improve natural immunity and reduce the perception of pain. They may also serve to improve mood. Another theory is that exercise stimulates the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, which may directly improve mood.

 

 

Besides lifting your mood, regular exercise offers other health benefits, such as lowering blood pressure, protecting against heart disease and cancer, and boosting self-esteem. How often or intensely you need to exercise to alleviate depression is not clear, but for general health, experts advise getting half an hour to an hour of moderate exercise, such as brisk walking, on all or most days of the week."

 

 

 

 

Source:

Exercise and Depression - Harvard Health Publications

[Bella2]

Thanks Doeblin. I should start walking I guess.

 

I don't really get myself. I was down in the dumps all day, on my way home from work feeling relieved (really time to change jobs...), starting feeling positive, starting visualising changing my house, meeting new people: in this moment I feel good.

 

Bloody rollercoaster

[Bella2]

Maybe I should just get my *ss of this chair and go walking right away.....

[BC1980]

Thanks Doeblin. I should start walking I guess.

 

I don't really get myself. I was down in the dumps all day, on my way home from work feeling relieved (really time to change jobs...), starting feeling positive, starting visualising changing my house, meeting new people: in this moment I feel good.

 

Bloody rollercoaster

 

The roller coaster you feel is normal. Especially in the early days, you will be all over the place with your emotions. I would go from wanting my ex back to absolutely hating him and being glad to get rid of him. Some days, I would have to force myself to get out of bed and go to work, and the next week I would feel at peace with the entire situation. The next week, I would be back down in the dumps. I don't understand why, but pretty much everyone has said the roller coaster is normal when you experience a loss.

[Bella2]

The roller coaster you feel is normal. Especially in the early days, you will be all over the place with your emotions.

 

It's so exhausting, isn't it? For the moment I'm still feeling fine, I want to cling on to this feeling....

 

I went for a long walk tonight. Made me feel good too.

 

I've lost about 10 pounds the last three weeks and I was already quite skinny.... Now I'm too skinny. Hate that, people keep making remarks and I think that everybody sees that I'm not doing well. I don't want it to show like that on the "outside"

 

Anyway, I'm feeling okay now, I ate a big plate of spaghetti tonight and I hope the positivity is gonna be present more and more.

 

Good luck to you.

[tory1012]

It's so exhausting, isn't it? For the moment I'm still feeling fine, I want to cling on to this feeling....

 

I went for a long walk tonight. Made me feel good too.

 

I've lost about 10 pounds the last three weeks and I was already quite skinny.... Now I'm too skinny. Hate that, people keep making remarks and I think that everybody sees that I'm not doing well. I don't want it to show like that on the "outside"

 

Anyway, I'm feeling okay now, I ate a big plate of spaghetti tonight and I hope the positivity is gonna be present more and more.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I know the feeling! We have to ride this rollercoaster out. I feel like im progressing well most days! I think because I'm older now that I 'm taking this break-up maturely.

 

I've lost about the same however I needed to! Still need to loose another 20 pounds haha then I'll be perfect! But i'm only just getting my appetite back and even now I don't eat much.

 

Whats the best diet? Get dumped!!

[Bella2]

Yeah really, no better diet out there

 

But good for you if you're happy losing weight.

 

It's morning over here, am at work, trying to force myself to eat something. Get more anxious at work, than when I'm at home.....

 

But overall it's manageable and still feeling rather positive.

 

HOLD ON EVERYBODY! That rollercoaster has to stop one day

[Summerrose2013]

I definitely agree that exercise has helped me. I started going to an exercise class and swimming (and joined Meetup, where I joined a cycling and social group). Not only did it make me feel good but I also enjoyed talking to other people in the class and having a natter in the steam room, it took the edge off the lonelyness you can feel sitting at home on your own night after night. Somehow meeting new people lifted me more than talking to my family or old/faithful friends - although I am very grateful to them for being there too of course.

 

The hard part is getting off the sofa to get to the gym/pool but it is so worth it when you do.

 

Loads of people have commented on how I look different now - I haven't actually lost weight, but I've toned up and it feels good - if/when I do bump into the ex I will look better than I did before and he will be a lardy cake eating lump doomed to another 4 years on his own like he was before I came along (-;

[Boomshine]

Somebody spotted him on Sunday with his new girlfriend at a restaurant 1 minute away from my house...

 

Last night I went out with friends. At the end we ended up at our favorite bar. Luckily the ex wasn't there. But then, then he showed up. With the new girlfriend.

 

This isn't coincidence. He's TRYING to bump into you with her. He felt s***ty seeing you out on a date, conflated it into something MAGNANIMOUSLY larger in his own head based off what VERY little he had to perceive, and it got under his skin. He was incredibly jealous. So what's the egotistical brute do?

 

He tries to give you a taste of your own medicine. (I know you never did this with any intention of a reaction from him - I'm speaking on his behalf here.) He's TRYING to get a rise out of you. He could very easily go anywhere else, yet he's showing up at hangouts within minutes of your house and going to your favorite jaunts.

 

Here's what you do: You keep reminding herself that they will not last. They WILL breakup. He took no time to grieve after your relationship was over, and thus, she's a rebound. So anytime you see him, I want you to immediately think about how he's going to feel when one month from now, she breaks up with him. Because then he's not only without her, but also he'll have to continue grieving the loss of you as well. And let that fill you with happiness. Crack a HUGE smile, then go on about your business with your friends / whomever. He won't know why you're so damned happy, but the fact that he couldn't get under your skin is only going to further get under his own skin. And with time, he'll stop trying to be seen by you. You win.

 

(P.S. I would normally not have someone wish such negativity against another, but I mean seriously... This dude is trying SO damn hard to toy with Bella's emotions that it's abusive.)

[Bella2]

This isn't coincidence. He's TRYING to bump into you with her. He felt s***ty seeing you out on a date, conflated it into something MAGNANIMOUSLY larger in his own head based off what VERY little he had to perceive, and it got under his skin. He was incredibly jealous. So what's the egotistical brute do?

 

He tries to give you a taste of your own medicine. (I know you never did this with any intention of a reaction from him - I'm speaking on his behalf here.) He's TRYING to get a rise out of you. He could very easily go anywhere else, yet he's showing up at hangouts within minutes of your house and going to your favorite jaunts.

 

Here's what you do: You keep reminding herself that they will not last. They WILL breakup. He took no time to grieve after your relationship was over, and thus, she's a rebound. So anytime you see him, I want you to immediately think about how he's going to feel when one month from now, she breaks up with him. Because then he's not only without her, but also he'll have to continue grieving the loss of you as well. And let that fill you with happiness. Crack a HUGE smile, then go on about your business with your friends / whomever. He won't know why you're so damned happy, but the fact that he couldn't get under your skin is only going to further get under his own skin. And with time, he'll stop trying to be seen by you. You win.

 

(P.S. I would normally not have someone wish such negativity against another, but I mean seriously... This dude is trying SO damn hard to toy with Bella's emotions that it's abusive.)

 

Thanks :-) The problem is: we both have that 1 bar as our favorite bar. But yes, when he showed up there with her, he was a bit too happy to say "Hello!" to me. "Hello Bella!!!" (seriously, I also got the feeling he wanted to "get back at me") Yes, out of "respect" for me he could have gone somewhere else.

 

The restaurant. It's almost next door to my house. We went there a lot together. We know the owner. So where does he take his new woman? There. He knows there's a very big chance I will be walking by.

 

He wants to "torture" me for something I did: have dinner with a guy I had never met before the break up. And he hooks up immediately with this girl that was chasing him at the end. (and so nice of him to tell me "We are gonna probably hook up, I really like her")

 

I know they won't last either. That does give some satisfaction. Don't think she will dump him soon though. She did all she could to win him over it seems. And now she's got him! I think when - as always happens - the passion lessens, things will start changing quickly.

 

Is she a rebound? I don't know, he wasn't happy at the end of the relationship, this woman did her whole charme-thing, he fell for it. Is it always a rebound when it starts like 2or 3 weeks after a break up?

 

Anyway, your message made me smile, thanks

[Bella2]

Somehow meeting new people lifted me more than talking to my family or old/faithful friends - although I am very grateful to them for being there too of course.

That's interesting, I experienced the same thing. New people distract me easier, also they know nothing about you, you can start from "zero" which is nice.

 

The hard part is getting off the sofa to get to the gym/pool but it is so worth it when you do.

I can sooo understand. Getting off the sofa to actually go sport... Not easy. Great that you're doing it!

 

I've toned up and it feels good - if/when I do bump into the ex I will look better than I did before and he will be a lardy cake eating lump doomed to another 4 years on his own like he was before I came along (-;

 

That's the spirit

[Boomshine]

Thanks :-) The problem is: we both have that 1 bar as our favorite bar. But yes, when he showed up there with her, he was a bit too happy to say "Hello!" to me. "Hello Bella!!!" (seriously, I also got the feeling he wanted to "get back at me") Yes, out of "respect" for me he could have gone somewhere else.

 

The restaurant. It's almost next door to my house. We went there a lot together. We know the owner. So where does he take his new woman? There. He knows there's a very big chance I will be walking by.

 

He wants to "torture" me for something I did: have dinner with a guy I had never met before the break up. And he hooks up immediately with this girl that was chasing him at the end. (and so nice of him to tell me "We are gonna probably hook up, I really like her")

 

I know they won't last either. That does give some satisfaction. Don't think she will dump him soon though. She did all she could to win him over it seems. And now she's got him! I think when - as always happens - the passion lessens, things will start changing quickly.

 

Is she a rebound? I don't know, he wasn't happy at the end of the relationship, this woman did her whole charme-thing, he fell for it. Is it always a rebound when it starts like 2or 3 weeks after a break up?

 

Anyway, your message made me smile, thanks

 

She might have done all she could to win him over, but that was to win over a fantasy of what she believed. As fantasy is replaced with more and more reality, as you said, the passion will lessen, and they will fizzle out.

 

For the rebound aspect, it's not about a timeframe. it's about if grieving has successfully finished. Although he may have been "checked out" from your relationship before dumping you, there's still the process of actually NOT being with the person afterward. You CANNOT grieve the loss of someone before it's happened. You can be "prepared" for it to an extent, but the feeling of losing them will never be 100% accurate to how you may have prepared.

 

And in 3 weeks time, and how he's behaving with you and around you, I can safely say he hasn't grieved. She's gonna pick up on that too, and it's going to sever them all the more. The more he's trying to make you jealous when the three of you "just happen" to bump into each other... She's going to pick up on that immaturity, and drop him like a hot potato.

[Bella2]

And in 3 weeks time, and how he's behaving with you and around you, I can safely say he hasn't grieved. She's gonna pick up on that too, and it's going to sever them all the more. The more he's trying to make you jealous when the three of you "just happen" to bump into each other... She's going to pick up on that immaturity, and drop him like a hot potato.

 

Yeah, actually, it's not possible that he grieved. Two weeks ago he was literally vomiting (as he told me, or more accurately: mailed me) because he couldn't handle seeing with somebody else. And a couple of days after that he starts with her. Does sound like a rebound.

 

He's not always immature though. He's almost 40, has 2 kids... Was in a long relationship with the mother.

After that he was with someone else for 2 years, it seemed like "true love". When I asked him why it had finished between the two of them, he only replied: "There was no more desire" (not a "big true love" then, is it? If you finish after two years because there's "no desire"?).

And afterwards they immediately were best friends and hanging out together all the time. I never got that... How can you immediately be "best friends" with you ex???

[ja123]

How can you immediately be "best friends" with you ex???

 

 

 

Because they were probably not in love ... more like FWBs.

[Bella2]

Not at all. They were - it seems - very much in love, she lived with him for two years... Not at all FWB...

 

So, the 'we-are-now-best-friends-right-after-the-break-up", I don't get it.

[ja123]

Well, then, perhaps the answer is that there was indeed "no more desire", as he said.

 

 

Which would leave me to believe that he still has desire for you, if he is behaving this way after the break-up.

[Bella2]

I doubt it. He was just hurt in his Big Male Ego.

 

He now has a new "love interest" he can desire.

[Boomshine]

Not at all. They were - it seems - very much in love, she lived with him for two years... Not at all FWB...

 

So, the 'we-are-now-best-friends-right-after-the-break-up", I don't get it.

 

Oh that one's easy: A lot of people can't accept the feeling of finality. Especially because, after 2 years, you've built a sense of companionship with another person. Even though you may not be intimate anymore, it would still hurt ALL the more if you have to lose the intimacy AND the companionship.

 

But that's why No Contact works so damn well. It's only by going THROUGH that pain that you heal from it. As we all know though, doing the right thing isn't always the easiest thing to do as well. Too many people tend to take the easy way out, so as to not suffer. And in that particular situation, I'm willing to bet the house that that was the case.

 

Plus, no one wants to admit total failure, and that's how he would view that situation. At least by maintaining a friendship, he can say to himself, "Hey, it's all right... We weren't meant to be together, but at least I got a friend out of it all!"

[Trane]

BU a little over two weeks now. I was with him for a year. A great guy, who was very honest with me. He was no longer in love, at the end of the year he had noticed that he could be attracted to other women, and that was a sign that things were not okay.

 

The first week I spent in bed.

The second week I went back to work.

I still sent some mails to my ex, and then told him we should have no contact. That would be easier for me. He understood.

 

And yesterday I actually had A Date. Not that I was really excited about it, but hey, I have to change my mind and meet new people, no?

 

We were at a restaurant together, I was sort of having fun I guess (not really interested in the guy, but he was nice and interesting). We talked, we laughed. We were sitting outside on the terrace. And guess what? My ex walks by and sees us!!! A little moment of shock yes. He said hello, gave me a kiss, and continued his path.

 

Later I received a text message. That he wished me all the best with my new future love, but that it hurt him.

 

In the night he sent me an email, saying he was crushed to have seen me with somebody else. He was hurt, sad and shocked. To know that other guys were already interested in me. That yes, he had made a choice, but the idea of me with somebody else was unbearable and it made him feel sick. That he was replaced so quickly.

 

I responded... Saying that I was with nobody, that I was still hurting too, but yes, he had made a choice, he doesn't want me, and I can do what I want now...

 

Still, it upsets me and gives me a little of that damn hope

 

Didn't George Jones have a hit song about this? "She thinks I still care?"

[Bella2]

I hate this so much.

 

The last 2 days I was doing okay, and today I feel nervous and like crap and can't concentrate (even missed the exit for work!!! never happened before)

 

I know that I'm the one who has to handle my emotions, I did sessions of mindfullness, I keep thinking "a thought is just a thought", but today I had visions of the eyes of my ex, looking at me like he looked at me at the beginning, full of love (and at the end I remember he didn't look at me like that anymore and I knew things had changed). I don't want those visions!!!!!!

 

Bloody hell, this sucks.

 

Anyone else feel nervous/anxious like that during the day?

 

Anybody some uplifting words to say?

 

Rollercoaster, You Suck So Much.

[Boomshine]

I hate this so much.

 

The last 2 days I was doing okay, and today I feel nervous and like crap and can't concentrate (even missed the exit for work!!! never happened before)

 

I know that I'm the one who has to handle my emotions, I did sessions of mindfullness, I keep thinking "a thought is just a thought", but today I had visions of the eyes of my ex, looking at me like he looked at me at the beginning, full of love (and at the end I remember he didn't look at me like that anymore and I knew things had changed). I don't want those visions!!!!!!

 

Bloody hell, this sucks.

 

Anyone else feel nervous/anxious like that during the day?

 

Anybody some uplifting words to say?

 

Rollercoaster, You Suck So Much.

 

Yeah, definitely. I still feel like that myself, and I'm the one who had to kick her from my life!

 

Those moments are rough, and they'll happen for a short while. All you can do to help yourself is transition out of the vision as quickly as possible. First, realize that what you're seeing is STRICTLY from the past. How he USED to treat you is very different from how he IS treating you now. Next, think of something you're incredibly passionate about, and imagine yourself in the most perfect situation of that for a minute or two.

 

For example, I play bass, and would love to play in a huge band similar to Muse or Arctic Monkeys. I imagine being on stage for an outdoor festival like Glastonbury, playing to tens of thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of people as they all dance and sing along to our songs like anthems. Spectacular lighting effects and fog machines, really putting on the full experience of a show for everyone in attendance.

 

I'll sit and think about a thought like that for a good minute or two, and every time I find myself thinking about the past, I just keep going back to one of those thoughts. And the more passions you have, all the more variety of thoughts you can have. Just think about ANYTHING you enjoy doing, then imagine your most perfect version of that. Doing this exercise is incredibly empowering, and shows you that no matter what happens in life, you always have things to be working towards which will give you immensely more satisfaction than whatever your situation may be in the current moment.

[Magnet]

For example, I play bass, and would love to play in a huge band similar to Muse or Arctic Monkeys. I imagine being on stage for an outdoor festival like Glastonbury, playing to tens of thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of people as they all dance and sing along to our songs like anthems. Spectacular lighting effects and fog machines, really putting on the full experience of a show for everyone in attendance.

 

Ah mannnnnnn....... What a vision

 

Do you see me? I'm the guy with neon facepaint plastered all over his face by the front rocking his head off

 

In all seriousness, that's great CBT, I will start thinking of some good visions to have..... (Launching my debut novel in a bookshop and debating with readers about the plot and characters/ running my way around mountains, jungles, deserts as I complete ultra marathons etc).

[Boomshine]

Ah mannnnnnn....... What a vision

 

Do you see me? I'm the guy with neon facepaint plastered all over his face by the front rocking his head off

 

In all seriousness, that's great CBT, I will start thinking of some good visions to have..... (Launching my debut novel in a bookshop and debating with readers about the plot and characters/ running my way around mountains, jungles, deserts as I complete ultra marathons etc).

 

Yeah, seriously. I can't remember where I picked it up from. Might have been Jason Capital. But that one's been saving my butt multiple times throughout all of this.

[Bella2]

 

For example, I play bass, and would love to play in a huge band similar to Muse or Arctic Monkeys. I imagine being on stage for an outdoor festival like Glastonbury, playing to tens of thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of people as they all dance and sing along to our songs like anthems. Spectacular lighting effects and fog machines, really putting on the full experience of a show for everyone in attendance.

 

Hope that will happen for you. (will you invite all of us here on LoveShack? )

[Bella2]

Yesterday was the birthday of my best friend. And as always, we ended up in The Favorite Bar (I was ok with that, knowing the ex would probably not be there on a week night).

 

It's fun going there, because it's a small blues bar, most of the time you know half of the people there, we all know the owner, the barmen.. A bit like "Cheers", you probably all know

 

Anyway, we were there having a birthday drink (a couple too much, dead tired at work right now). The thing that bugs me now is that everybody there knows the ex too. Everybody knows we were a coiuple. Everybody now knows he's with someone else. And that I'm the one "to pity". That's what it feels like. I can just hear them think "Oh poor thing, this must be so hard for her, pity pity pity".

 

So I go out of my way to show that I'm FINE, having FUN, laughing, talking, smiling all the time. And not even because the ex is there, just so that the people who are there that know him too, will see I'm SO FINE without him. And if they might happen to talk with him once, they can say something like: Bella looks likes she's doing okay!

 

Is this stupid? Is this pathetic? Why do I care what others think? Yep, I do care what others think.....