evanescentworld Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 You have a choice: You can either reply: "Well, I don't miss you" or Just stay complete No Contact, delete, block. While the temptation to urge you to resort to the first, is almost overwhelming, I would personally consider the second option to be the wiser of the two.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 I did reply. "Well yeah... After a break up it takes some time to get used to the new situation" He also sent a message to my best friend, if she could tell me that he misses me a lot. I'm feeling better, just knowing he is now "regretting" stuff (or so it seems). Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Match Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Stay N/C bella. Don't indulge him. Truly. If he tries to win you back, and you let him, it will be short lived and the fall harder. Don't let him. This is all his bruised ego. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 I know. He's not speaking from the heart, he's speaking from his ego... Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I know. He's not speaking from the heart, he's speaking from his ego... He's said nothing to indicate he wants you back. You are letting him toy with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 He's said nothing to indicate he wants you back. You are letting him toy with you. He told my best friend that he misses me so so so much and that he wants to talk to me about it. Yes, I kinda have the idea that he's thinking about how to get me back. But again: not out of love, but because his ego is hurting. But it's true, he is toying with me Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I did reply. "Well yeah... After a break up it takes some time to get used to the new situation" He also sent a message to my best friend, if she could tell me that he misses me a lot. I'm feeling better, just knowing he is now "regretting" stuff (or so it seems). First of all, it was extremely foolish of you to respond. I'm sorry, but it was. It's a way for him to see just how much he has you dangling for him, and at his beck and call. Now it seems that if he sends you a message, you are not only ready, willing and able to read them, but he can evince a response from you. Whoopee. he's still 'got it' then.... Secondly, using friends to pass on messages is manipulative and controlling, and is just a way of finding another means of getting your interest piqued.... he can get to you directly, via text, and now he can reach you INdirectly, via a friend. Advise your friend to tell him IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that she is not a gopher messenger. if he has something to say, let him try to communicate it directly, and not use go-betweens to manipulate the situation. THirdly, never forget: Actions Speak Louder Than Words. he might appear to regret things; he may even express that he regrets things. Until he SHOWS you through his sincere actions just how much he regrets things - then he's a bag of hot-winded Ego looking for a soothing caress to make himself feel good.... He's said nothing to indicate he wants you back. You are letting him toy with you. QFT. He told my best friend that he misses me so so so much and that he wants to talk to me about it. Yes, I kinda have the idea that he's thinking about how to get me back. But again: not out of love, but because his ego is hurting. But it's true, he is toying with me And so you have to ask yourself why you permit yourself to be moulded and manipulated by this jerk. Again, messaging through a go-between, using others as a tool with which to control you. Kerrist, woman, quit this, already..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michael 93 Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Having sat on both sides of that table, I will answer that question for you as a dumper. You probably still won't identify, but it is the truth, and it could be you one day. We have very little control over how we feel. There are generally two scenarios: 1) You are so toxic that leaving you is total freedom relief. We never want to think about you again, and probably never will, unless it is with regret. The next person is a breath of fresh air. 2) Someone else sparked our interest before we did the dumping. Just like when we felt an interest in you, there was no particular reason.. they say you don't choose love, love chooses you. It's pretty true. And sometimes what happens is IT (love, infatuation,etc.) chooses us again, even when we're with you. It is the same feeling of hope and excitement and desire we felt with you, except now it is directed at someone else. When that happens, it becomes very important to make things "right" with the current love interest, you. We don't want to cheat. We don't want to lie to you, but we don't want to tell you the whole truth either, because we think that it is unnecessary to hurt you like that. So, we're vague, or we offer some bull**** reason that really doesn't make sense, and doesn't satisfy you, or worse, we tell you half the truth - "I don't feel that way about you any more." That is if we're not a coward, and not a total a$$hat. Also, because everything was fine up until the moment we met the new person, it comes right out of the blue... no warning whatsoever. This makes it worse for you because it is important for you to know why. The dumper doesn't care why his/her feelings have suddenly changed, because new feelings have replaced the old ones. The dumper feels the same... just about somebody else. The dumper can't explain it, because we haven't even thought about it. How do we do it? Our motivations are different... you're clinging, and we are pursuing someone else. We feel totally different, because our heads are in a completely different place already. I've never been the dumper who soon gets dumped, so I don't know about the breadcrumb or rebound variety of dumper. That seems like a pretty insincere and insecure person. But that's how it is. All that history suddenly doesn't mean so much any more. It is a fond memory, but no longer a compelling one. Don't hate us for that. We can't help it. All we can control is how we give you the news. Mighty That was incredibly difficult to read. Excellent break down. Painful truth.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 First of all, it was extremely foolish of you to respond. I'm sorry, but it was. It's a way for him to see just how much he has you dangling for him, and at his beck and call. Now it seems that if he sends you a message, you are not only ready, willing and able to read them, but he can evince a response from you. Whoopee. he's still 'got it' then.... Secondly, using friends to pass on messages is manipulative and controlling, and is just a way of finding another means of getting your interest piqued.... he can get to you directly, via text, and now he can reach you INdirectly, via a friend. Advise your friend to tell him IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that she is not a gopher messenger. if he has something to say, let him try to communicate it directly, and not use go-betweens to manipulate the situation. THirdly, never forget: Actions Speak Louder Than Words. he might appear to regret things; he may even express that he regrets things. Until he SHOWS you through his sincere actions just how much he regrets things - then he's a bag of hot-winded Ego looking for a soothing caress to make himself feel good.... QFT. And so you have to ask yourself why you permit yourself to be moulded and manipulated by this jerk. Again, messaging through a go-between, using others as a tool with which to control you. Kerrist, woman, quit this, already..... You're right. He doesn't want me back, he was just playing with my feelings .... So, anyway, back to NC..... I just want to FORGET him!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 (edited) Bella, first off, really, really, impressed on your maturity on how you're handling everything. Your inner strength really does come through in your postings... I can guarantee you one thing; he is going to contact you again. This, I have no doubt. What you really need to do, is *do not* play games at all with him. He has to know that the decision he has made is his and his alone, and you are going to hold him to it. Do not allow yourself to show any "support" of his decision. Things like "I'm not interested in anybody, or it takes time to get used to a new situation" only allow him to wean himself off of you. If the overwhelming urge of having to respond to him over takes you, respond to him from a position of power and control. For example, you receive the "I miss you" text. If you have to respond, and cannot ignore it because of your feelings, respond with a simple "we all have to live with the decisions we make". This gives him nothing, while from his side it will feel like a ten ton sledge hammer across the forehead because of a decision *he* made. Mighty's fantastic post gives you some insight on how a dumper feels, but there are a multitude of other reasons outside of a toxic relationship or another person in the mix. Right now, it is not your responsibility to try to understand his point of view. He made a decision, and it is *his* responsibility to live with the decision he made. Hold him to that. As a dumper, I made it absolutely crystal clear when I wanted to get back with someone. There was absolutely nothing that could be misconstrued. Holding him to the decision that he has made will do one of two things: It will either hit him like a ton of bricks that he blew it, which in turn will cause him to tell you flat out "I want you back", or he will continue on his life journey without you (I know that sounds painful). But remember, by the time he chooses door number two, if you continue to be strong, you're not gonna care... Edited September 10, 2014 by frigginlost 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Agree with the above. Does he want you to come back because he really and truly misses you, or because he needs to heal his ego and prove that he still has power over you? It could be either but don't waver unless you're absolutely certain it's the former. Until he contacts you directly and says "I made a mistake and I want to be with you", you should keep as far away as possible. Right now he's being a passive-aggressive weenie. Is that the kind of man you want to date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 I was doing well. But now, since this "i miss you" the whole NC has not been working. We've been sending messages, and yes, he's a big egocentric jerk (only talking about himself and what I did since we broke up that made HIM feel horrible!!!!!!!!!!), and I feel like I'm back to day 1. O yes, of course he also told me that it's very likely he might start a relationship with the girl that he was attracted to at the end when we were still together. Now he's not ready yet, but she's waiting for "the green light". She is there, waiting for him to say: OK, i'm ready to give it a go with you! Seriously??!! I know, you are all gonna say: WE TOLD YOU SO, NO CONTACT!!!!!!!! i know Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Bella, first off, really, really, impressed on your maturity on how you're handling everything. Your inner strength really does come through in your postings... Thank you for that. For the moment my inner strenght has flown out of the window Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I was doing well. But now, since this "i miss you" the whole NC has not been working. We've been sending messages, and yes, he's a big egocentric jerk (only talking about himself and what I did since we broke up that made HIM feel horrible!!!!!!!!!!), and I feel like I'm back to day 1. O yes, of course he also told me that it's very likely he might start a relationship with the girl that he was attracted to at the end when we were still together. Now he's not ready yet, but she's waiting for "the green light". She is there, waiting for him to say: OK, i'm ready to give it a go with you! Seriously??!! I know, you are all gonna say: WE TOLD YOU SO, NO CONTACT!!!!!!!! i know So now he's trying to get two women waiting for him. This dude needs to be erased from your life. Sometimes, you have to experience it to understand it, so don't be too harsh with yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 there are a multitude of other reasons outside of a toxic relationship or another person in the mix. Right now, it is not your responsibility to try to understand his point of view. He made a decision, and it is *his* responsibility to live with the decision he made. Hold him to that. You never will understand it, and you don't have to. It is very important to remember that, because that uncertainty, the need to understand it, can suck you back in, over and over again. That's one of the things the people seem to obsess over the most. WHY!?!?!?! That's what we all want to know. At its core, that question is really, WHAT CAN I CHANGE TO GET BACK TO WHERE WE WERE? The breadcrumbs are fools' gold, they appear to be a way to get that question answered the way we want it answered. They aren't that, they are seeds of false hope, and they destroy your progress. If you feel the need to respond, do it here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 So yes, stupid as I was, I replied to his long mail, in which he sort of accuses me of what I've done SINCE THE BREAK UP. He doesn't even talk about the relationship. He does still mention the fact that he loves me and he thinks I'm an amazing woman.....? WTF I kept it short. Saying that reading his mail I was really surprised, that I now see how egocentrical he is - something I hadn't really noticed during our year together - that it was really nice of him (irony) to mention the fact that another woman was waiting for "the green light" and that that was gonna be another relationship doomed to fail. That yes, I'm an amazing woman, too amazing for him. Back to 100% no contact. Feels a bit like day one though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 He explained me why he sent me the "I miss you Bella" text. He was on his way to work, everything became too much, he stopped his car, he started crying crying crying, he didn't even go to work. His "I miss you Bella" was sincere, he really missed me like crazy, but is still a 100% sure that it's finished between us. But yes, he had a complete "melt down" over missing me. But now he's gonna start with this other woman. Who's waiting like a little dog. Thanks for listening to my petty problems, it always feels good to write here and get some feedback. I really have learnt a lot here by reading many posts (although I don't always react). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 As I'm feeling sad and miserable once again, I just invited myself over for dinner at my best friend. And the idea is to go out later on. Here we go again, trying to move on.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 So yes, stupid as I was, I replied to his long mail, in which he sort of accuses me of what I've done SINCE THE BREAK UP. He doesn't even talk about the relationship. He does still mention the fact that he loves me and he thinks I'm an amazing woman.....? WTF I kept it short. Saying that reading his mail I was really surprised, that I now see how egocentrical he is - something I hadn't really noticed during our year together - that it was really nice of him (irony) to mention the fact that another woman was waiting for "the green light" and that that was gonna be another relationship doomed to fail. That yes, I'm an amazing woman, too amazing for him. Was this a really stupid response or what do you guys think? I know I shouldn't even care, but sadly I do. Link to post Share on other sites
lauri Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Bella, you are much better than this guy. This dude is not a gentleman. I don't even view him as a real man for putting you this through and it makes me angry reading how he is handling things with you. I don't think there is much I can tell you that you do not already know. You just need to learn to be strong. A breakup is all about ego, that is all it is about. He is extremely selfish...I think you know deep down inside you can get over him. Don't be scared to do it - you need to put in all the hard work now to move on and become stronger and better. Safe your feelings and emotions for a man who will treat you with a lot more respect and won't play around with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Bella, you are much better than this guy. This dude is not a gentleman. I don't even view him as a real man for putting you this through and it makes me angry reading how he is handling things with you. I don't think there is much I can tell you that you do not already know. You just need to learn to be strong. A breakup is all about ego, that is all it is about. He is extremely selfish...I think you know deep down inside you can get over him. Don't be scared to do it - you need to put in all the hard work now to move on and become stronger and better. Safe your feelings and emotions for a man who will treat you with a lot more respect and won't play around with you. Thank you. I just need to vent a bit.... And I really appreciate your replies... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 Saturday I went to a concert with a couple of friends. I ran into my "date" there. We talked a bit, I told him that my ex had not AT ALL appreciated the fact that he had seen us together. They're not friends at all, but once drank a beer together (where I live, everybody sort of knows everybody anyway). This morning my "date" sends me a message through FB, that he had sent a mail to my ex "explaining" that yes, we had spent one evening together, that it was not premeditated, that he can understand that he might have been pissed off etc, but there's nothing going on between us.... That he was not the type of guy trying to hit on recently single women etc... (trying to clear his name, obviously) I was NOT happy with this at all. First of all, my ex knows I've been talking about him with "date". Second of all there's nothing to justify!!! And so now I also know that "ex" responded in a politically correct way, ending with a "winky". Even when I'm doing the NC, I keep being informed about stuff Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 Feeling sick to my stomach (am at work) Was checking out FB, saw some pictures posted by someone, at a concert yesterday during the day. And there is my ex, in a picture, with the girl he told me about, that was hitting on him (and he on her) when we were still together. Last mail he told me it was very likely he was gonna start something with her. And now I see that picture and I just feel :sick: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 It's okay. It was a shock, I have a head ache now, but I didn't start crying at work thank god, and I'm still breathing Kept staring at the picture, and in the end I started to feel calm. Do I want this guy back? No! Is he gonna be with her? Yes. And so what!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 (okay, yes, it hurts a bit, but I know it's mostly based on my ego) Link to post Share on other sites
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