What constitutes physical abuse?

[tim_tom]

Was having this discussion with a friend. My ex used to punch me hard, sometimes even slapped my face.. Usually when I was doing something she didn't like (like disagreeing with her). She would say something like enough, or stop it, and then if I protested or said it hurt, she would tell me to "stop being a sissy" or something like that.

 

Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. The mood was more playful like, not hostile if that makes sense. No rage in her eyes, and not repeated blows just like a way to make her point quickly. I know she was controlling, something I confused with love, and this seemed to be part of that.

 

In terms of other signs, I caught her kick the dog once cause he wasn't cooperating on the leash, and have seen her punch the other dog or whack him hard if he wasn't doing what she wants. Again, I think it's about control.

 

My friend says it was physical abuse, or at least is trying to convince me of it, but I dunno, when I think of physical abuse I think of a man beating the crap out of a women. It just seems weird to think that this was going on, when I typically imagine "physical abuse" being represented by something much more hostile/angry.

 

Thoughts?

[bubbaganoosh]

No one has the right to hit you. No one has the right to hit you. No one has the right to hit you.

 

I can go on and on if you want until you understand that. Your girlfriend has a cruel streak in her. Maybe you want to turn a blind eye to it but you better take heed. If she has a habit of doing that, then what was once a vice will become a habit.

 

And God help your ass if you you strike back. My advice is let her know that she will not put her hands on you by slapping or hitting even in a playful way because she ain't playing friend.

 

And next time you see her kick her dog pull your finger out of your ass and let her know that it's unacceptable. Don't let her do that.

[Ronni_W]

tim-tom,

One can say that there are degrees of abuse and that there is a subjective component also. To me, hard punching (that hurts) given/intended to make someone stop or start doing something, is abusive. Face-slapping is also to humiliate. The more the slap (or bite or kick or whatever) hurts, the more also they are going after pain compliance or bullying/coercion through inflicting pain.

 

I've come to look at it like this: "A useful way of looking at abuse is at what the consequences are for the person to whom these things are done, not at what is actually done. One definition of abuse might be: one or more actions by one person which have ongoing negative consequences for another." Which could include:

 

 

1. Issues involving trust.

2. Sadness, grief, despair.

3. Fear, dread.

4. Anger, resentment, rage, feelings of hostility.

5. Uncertainty, anxiety, stress.

6. Loss of ability to enjoy, be authentic, express self honestly; loss of hope also for happiness.

7. Poor self-management; impatience, quick to anger, defensiveness, easily provoked, etc.

8. Diminished sound judgment and decision-making, ability to reason, reasonableness, resourcefulness.

9. Mental, emotional, spiritual exhaustion, depletion.

10. Creation or reinforcement of negative attitudes, behaviours, self-opinions.

11. Loss of desire to want to be with others; inability to relate to them in positive, healthy ways.

12. Distorted perceptions of circumstances, etc.

13. (Long-term or permanent) Low self-esteem, impaired self-respect.

14. Poor, excessive or otherwise inappropriate responses to others.

15. (Long-term or permanent) Shame, embarrassment, humiliation.

16. Disorders including eating, self-harming.

17. Substance or process addictions (including sexual addiction).

18. Various physical symptoms, illnesses, or other health including psychological problems.

 

The role of intent

 

Note that intent is not included in the above definition for abuse since it often relates more or solely to the experience of the perpetrator rather than the victim. That is, intent usually does not affect the experience of the victim in any way.

Edited September 8, 2014 by Ronni_W

[amaysngrace]

If it hurts she's not playfully punching you.

[mightycpa]

If you feel abused, then it is abuse. If you don't, then it is hard to claim that it is abuse.

 

The risk lies with the person who strikes the other. One never knows how the target will react.

 

Your ex sounds like she had problems with communication.

[loveboid]

I think it's abuse and hostile.

 

Laying hands on someone is done with permission and respectfully.

 

I want you to do something for me. Next time you see someone eating with a fork, watch how they feed themself. They do it very gently. No shoving, like I see parents do with kids. People touch themselves nicely. That means everyone else should too. It's respect.

 

Does she slap herself in the face? Punch and kick herself? No, didn't think so.

[tim_tom]

If it hurts she's not playfully punching you.

 

After it was playful.. like.. "stop being a sissy".. The punch or slap though, was to stop something I was doing she didn't like..

 

I just always thought of physical abuse as repeated blows or out of rage. And frankly, as a man against a women.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[tim_tom]

No one has the right to hit you. No one has the right to hit you. No one has the right to hit you.

 

I can go on and on if you want until you understand that. Your girlfriend has a cruel streak in her. Maybe you want to turn a blind eye to it but you better take heed. If she has a habit of doing that, then what was once a vice will become a habit.

 

And God help your ass if you you strike back. My advice is let her know that she will not put her hands on you by slapping or hitting even in a playful way because she ain't playing friend.

 

And next time you see her kick her dog pull your finger out of your ass and let her know that it's unacceptable. Don't let her do that.

 

Thank you for the response! She's an ex now, broke my heart. My friend is trying to help me process the breakup by calling out things I wasn't happy about. I didn't like when she hit me and asked her not to, but as a man it didn't seem as serious i guess.

 

Like I said, my female friend is trying to tell me she was abusive (there's other things going, she meets or sorta meets most of the criteria in the link below (which I found here) I think she thinks it will make it easier on me to realize she had unhealthy habits and behaviors.. making me feel like I dodged a bullet.

 

 

How to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship: 13 Steps

[tim_tom]

If you feel abused, then it is abuse. If you don't, then it is hard to claim that it is abuse.

 

The risk lies with the person who strikes the other. One never knows how the target will react.

 

Your ex sounds like she had problems with communication.

 

 

Definitely problems with communication, the issue she ended up leaving over (couldn't handle me having an ex wife at all) would only be expressed through anger. There was no having a calm, rational discussion about it.

 

I kind of agree on the first part, I didn't feel physically abused, but my friend says it's cause I'm a man. Basically, if I was a man and I did the same thing to her, I am positive it would be considered abuse by anyone.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond

[tim_tom]

I think it's abuse and hostile.

 

Laying hands on someone is done with permission and respectfully.

 

I want you to do something for me. Next time you see someone eating with a fork, watch how they feed themself. They do it very gently. No shoving, like I see parents do with kids. People touch themselves nicely. That means everyone else should too. It's respect.

 

Does she slap herself in the face? Punch and kick herself? No, didn't think so.

 

Yes, that is what has me questioning it. Not only did she not punch and slap herself, but as I said above, I'm quite certain if I was the one doing the punching and slapping to gain control most would consider it abuse.

 

Here's an example I just thought of, i have a habit of biting my nails that she hated . Sometimes she'd grab my hand and remove it from my mouth, somewhat gently. .Sometimes she'd slap my hand away from mouth, and still other times she'd punch me in the stomach or shoulder and tell me to stop doing it. When I would tell her I didn't like it and it hurt, the response would be like.. stop being a vagina, if you don't want me hitting you stop biting you nails

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[Jewels7]

Sometimes it is hard to see you are being abused. I didn't really realize I was abused until I posted my story in here. Like you, my ex never "beat" me in that sense. Instead like your ex he would do stuff "in play" that hurt me (like try to pinch my carotid artery, burn my arm hairs off with a lighter, pin me down until I panicked, etc etc). I learned that this is abuse! It might be under the guise of being playful but they know what they are doing. Make a list of everything your ex did wrong. Read it over and over when you have your doubts. I would never do stuff like this to a man and there are thousands of other women who agree. You don't deserve that.

[tim_tom]

Sometimes it is hard to see you are being abused. I didn't really realize I was abused until I posted my story in here. Like you, my ex never "beat" me in that sense. Instead like your ex he would do stuff "in play" that hurt me (like try to pinch my carotid artery, burn my arm hairs off with a lighter, pin me down until I panicked, etc etc). I learned that this is abuse! It might be under the guise of being playful but they know what they are doing. Make a list of everything your ex did wrong. Read it over and over when you have your doubts. I would never do stuff like this to a man and there are thousands of other women who agree. You don't deserve that.

 

Yes, thank you. That is what I have been doing. I wasn't happy, but I loved her and couldn't let go. Instead I started drinking a lot. I've learned a lot about myself from this, for some reason I lack the ability to walk away from bad situations and instead self medicate with alcohol. I guess it's self esteem. I am now starting therapy

[bathtub-row]

I think I'd say that it was, at the very least, borderline abuse. As far as kicking the dog, that was flat out abuse.

 

Don't kid yourself, though, your ex is well on her way to being all-out abusive. It's just a matter of time. Think about it like this -- what kind of mindset do you have to have to even playfully hit someone in the face? Does it even occur to you to do that? What about kicking a dog? Who does that?

 

Trust me, it is not just men who abuse women. While those are the majority of abuse cases, there are a lot of men out there who are physically abused. And it can be worse in some ways because if they fight back, they get labeled abusive. So, they tend to take it and shamefully stay quiet.

 

Indeed you did dodge a bullet. You're probably still pining over her because you liked her self-confidence. In the future, try not to confuse a self-assured woman with an abusive one. There's a huge difference between the two.

[tim_tom]

I think I'd say that it was, at the very least, borderline abuse. As far as kicking the dog, that was flat out abuse.

 

Don't kid yourself, though, your ex is well on her way to being all-out abusive. It's just a matter of time. Think about it like this -- what kind of mindset do you have to have to even playfully hit someone in the face? Does it even occur to you to do that? What about kicking a dog? Who does that?

 

Trust me, it is not just men who abuse women. While those are the majority of abuse cases, there are a lot of men out there who are physically abused. And it can be worse in some ways because if they fight back, they get labeled abusive. So, they tend to take it and shamefully stay quiet.

 

Indeed you did dodge a bullet. You're probably still pining over her because you liked her self-confidence. In the future, try not to confuse a self-assured woman with an abusive one. There's a huge difference between the two.

 

Yeah, putting all the pieces together.. the dog kicking/punching, hitting me to change what I was doing that she didn't like.. really shines a new light on it. I guess I have a preconceived notion of what abuse is and gender roles.

 

I do know that if I as a male was doing the same things, that I'd 100% be labeled an abuser

 

As always, thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share your wisdom

[spiderowl]

As I see it, physical abuse is about hurting someone who doesn't want to be hurt. Did you want her to hit you? If not, it was abuse. Pain is unpleasant, it hurts! Why do people have difficulty defining physical abuse as abuse, when it hurt them and causes injuries?

[Ronni_W]

As I see it, physical abuse is about hurting someone who doesn't want to be hurt.

Yep! That is just about perfect.

 

Keeping in mind that there is also "erotic, pleasurable pain", the only thing I can see/think to add is, "...or that hurts beyond what is found erotically pleasurable by the person on which the pain is being inflicted." But always, that person did consent in the first place for ANY pain at all. (In this context, it's about going beyond limits...and not stopping when that person says that her/his own limits have been reached.)

[revelations]

Was having this discussion with a friend. My ex used to punch me hard, sometimes even slapped my face.. Usually when I was doing something she didn't like (like disagreeing with her). She would say something like enough, or stop it, and then if I protested or said it hurt, she would tell me to "stop being a sissy" or something like that.

 

Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. The mood was more playful like, not hostile if that makes sense. No rage in her eyes, and not repeated blows just like a way to make her point quickly. I know she was controlling, something I confused with love, and this seemed to be part of that.

 

In terms of other signs, I caught her kick the dog once cause he wasn't cooperating on the leash, and have seen her punch the other dog or whack him hard if he wasn't doing what she wants. Again, I think it's about control.

 

My friend says it was physical abuse, or at least is trying to convince me of it, but I dunno, when I think of physical abuse I think of a man beating the crap out of a women. It just seems weird to think that this was going on, when I typically imagine "physical abuse" being represented by something much more hostile/angry.

 

Thoughts?

 

Women and often men have a double standard about physical abuse. That is if a man so much as lays an unwanted hand on a woman it is abuse. However a woman can hit a man, slap a man and many other things and if the guy complains about it he will be laughed at.

 

However there are actually times when physical abuse is a tough call. For example if your just play wrestling then no one would call it abuse right? Now let's say that during the play wrestling one of you gets hurt, like bumping your head on a coffee table, then is it abuse? Anyone that is reasonable would say "no", it was an accident and nothing more. Some lovers will engage in BDSM (I may be getting that acronym wrong) were they will hit each other, tie each other up and all kinds of stuff. If a person were to see this they may thing abuse is going on, however that is not really the case.

 

Abuse is really crossing two lines. One would be the action, physical or emotional. The second would be doing so without permission. A good example would be having sex with a woman that wants you to pull her hair. Now just pulling her hair in public without permission would be abuse, however having sex with her and pulling her hair because she wants it would not be abuse. I am a pretty big guy and can handle a lot of physical pain. However I do not like pain nor do I like any type of hitting at all. So for me I have a no violence rule in my house. The strange thing is that I have had a lot of women think that is a joke and still try and hit me. I am 6'2" and weight in at about 240lbs with a background in martial arts and survival training by combat vets. So if cops show up at my door and sees that the woman hurt her hand by trying to hit me, I will go to jail now. This is why at the first sign of physical violence the relationship is over. Truthfully most women I have met will either abuse a man physically or emotionally. So today I just stay away from them. It is just too much stress and besides I should be allowed to enjoy my life.

[2sunny]

After it was playful.. like.. "stop being a sissy".. The punch or slap though, was to stop something I was doing she didn't like..

 

I just always thought of physical abuse as repeated blows or out of rage. And frankly, as a man against a women.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Even her demeaning response/words were intended to hurt you.

 

 

When did you get the idea that this way ok? You learned it somewhere.

 

You can unlearn it. It's NOT ok.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Yes, it sounds like it was abuse.

 

 

I was choked by my fiancé twice in the same night & although that was the first time she'd ever layed a hand on me in an abusive way, it is enough to know that it is a red flag.