Am I being paranoid or is this guy one of those tricky types??

[mindue]

Ok, here's the deal - my boyfriend and I have been going out for 4 months now. We've been living together most of the time (long story that I'll explain if someone asks but for now let's leave that out) but we fight a lot. Something is bothering me and I think it needs to be discussed rationally, then we end up yelling, there are tears, and then nothing ends up getting resolved. Why can't we talk to each other like adults?

 

And then, this is from one of our recent discussions - he admitted that he enjoys looking at porn, which I consider a form of cheating (no guff from this people, just how I view it), and said that because it bothers me, he'll stop. He'll continue to masturbate, which I consider natural anyways and I do it too, just not to pics and videos. Then, as if the trust wasn't kinda already shakey, he told me to trust him even though he said he can do it behind my back and I'll never find out. Then just a week later, he says he shouldn't have to discuss what he's spending his money on (note we are living together), and that I shouldn't have to know what he's doing with his money, and that if he wants to keep it a secret, he has the right to.

 

Color me purple, but doesn't it sound like I should do the exact opposite of the whole trusting thing?

 

I appreciated his honesty with the porn issue, but for him to say that he can do it and never get caught makes him sound suspect, ya know what I mean?

[Craig]

I think you're being paranoid AND trying to control your BF. I also think you're trying to control the responses that LS'ers give you "no guff from this people, just how I view it." It looks like a subtle put down of your BF when you say that you also masterbate "just not to pics and videos." Was it your intention to put down your BF or am I just misunderstanding your point there.

 

Your BF spoke the truth when he said "he can do it and never get caught" why would him saying that make him "suspect?"

 

You two aren't married to each other so he can spend his money on whatever he wants without getting your permission or telling you what he's spending money on. Is there an expectation that you are to report to him how you are spending your money?

 

When you became a couple what were the expectations you discussed and what commitments did you make to each other? If you weren't living with him would you expect to know where and how he spends his money?

 

If you aren't happy with the relationship get out now before the condom breaks.

[very-confused-girl]

Ok, tell me one thing - do you have common account and share your money completely or not?

 

If you have a common account than you definitely have right being interested what he is spending money on. But once you have separated accounts and you both are participating in paying bills and he is financially able to pay his part, then you have no right asking him how he is spending his money, as long as he is participating enough in paying bills, rent etc.

 

So the reason why you want to know how he is spending his money is NOT because of finance itself and potential inability of your boyfriend to be paying bills but because you want to have control over him.

 

And by the way with porn it is a different issue. I dont know how often your boyfriend does this - I mean masturbating to the pics and videos but as long as he has energy to make love to you and you dont feel deprieved of some energy that he might spend on masturbating, then everything should be ok.

 

Maybe you could do something to improve your sexual life. Buy yourself some sexy lingerie, be hot and sexy, do something to surprise him, give him a great massage, give him a headjob that he is never going to forget about. You western girls are so much indoctrinated with feminism that you are so much against being sexy cos you dont want to look like a piece of meat.

[bluechocolate]

Going out for 4 months & living together for most of that time!? I can only assume you knew each other for quite a while before "going out" & then moving in together.

 

He'll continue to masturbate, which I consider natural anyways and I do it too, just not to pics and videos

 

How generous of you to allow him to continue to masturbate (albeit under your terms) Have you provided him with a list of what he is allowed to think about while masturbating?

 

Then just a week later, he says he shouldn't have to discuss what he's spending his money on...

 

As v_c_g has mentioned - if he's paying his way then I fail to see why you would need to know what he's doing with the rest of HIS money.

 

he told me to trust him even though he said he can do it behind my back and I'll never find out

 

From what I've read on here time & time & time again from women whose boyfriends/husbands have said they'll stop looking at porn have discovered that the haven't stopped at all - just been more discreet about it. My guess is he's telling you that he's going to keep viewing porn & keep it a secret from you.

 

but we fight a lot

 

he admitted that he enjoys looking at porn, which I consider a form of cheating (no guff from this people, just how I view it)

 

I think you should just cut your losses & leave the guy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think what you are looking for out of this relationship isn't this guy: but your expectations of the guy you hope to change him into to suit your needs.

 

You will need to understand this: you are letting him know your terms and he is rejecting them. Period. You'll have to decide whether or not you are willing to date this guy, or continue putting yourself through an emotional futile meatgrinder trying to make him into the man you want him to be.

[iceisles]

It does appear that you are trying to control him, and in my opinion, he hasn't really done anything wrong here. I understand you don't want him looking at porn, but lots of guys do this. If it makes you uncomfortable and he won't stop (and I don't think he will), then you should just move on. As for the money, even if you're living together, he is no under no obligation to discuss his finances with you as long as he's paying his share of the bills, etc. (if he pays at all). Unless you're engaged or married, he can pretty much do whatever he wants.

 

The direction of this relationship sounds very troubling to me. I would really reconsider your stance with him and decide if, his faults aside, you are happy. History has shown that couples that fight often generally don't stay together long. You may have to make a difficult choice, but life is full of these.

[Merin]

Hmm.. I'm with Blue.. I do hope you knew this guy prior to moving in with him.

 

Honestly, NO I don't think it's your business what he spends his money on EVEN if the 2 of you are living together.. as long as he's paying his share (whatever was agreed upon) then no.. not your business. Would be different if the 2 of you had made the decision TOGETHER that you would share an account or pool your money.. but from what you've said that isn't the case.

 

Porn.. you're entitled to feel however you wish to regarding this.. however again.. how long did you know this guy before moving in with him.. IMO there are just some things that really need to be discussed BEFORE moving in together or being exclusive.. obviously porn is a big issue for you.. so yeah.. something should've been said PRIOR to moving in or when discussing being exclusive.. like we're not going to see other people because it would be a deal breaker AND because YOU consider viewing porn as cheating.. this should've already been known to him.

 

In some ways it seems (to me) that you feel because you're living with this guy you now have the right to make all the decisions for whats going to be okay for him as well... and that isn't okay. Relationships are suppose to be about BOTH people.

[mental_traveller]

Frequent arguing only 4 months into a relationship is, in my experience, a sign of fundamentally conflicting personality traits. And from the rest of your post, it is obvious you have a totally different outlook on relationships, compared to your bf. To be blunt, you would be mad to remain together.

[young&idealistic]

Quick tip about the porn issue. I know a lot of people think porn is fine, but I agree with you that it's hurtful and wrong, whether it's cheating or not. I fought constantly with my now ex-bf about this issue. He looked at porn for several hours a day, and would anxiously await my leaving so he could look at it. He thought it was his right to do whatever he wanted to do and didn't care if it hurt me. He wanted to prove to me that I didn't have him whipped and never would. Odd, because he was the sweetest guy in the world when it came to everything else.

 

Nothing worked for the longest time. I constantly asked how it would make him feel if I looked at porn and he told me he couln't care less. This just made me feel guilty that I couldn't handle it when he could. Well guess what. Words are cheap.

 

As a last resort I decided to test him. I started to look at porn ALL the time. I asked for advice on how to find good porn since I was new to it. At first he was relieved until he realized that I was actually into it. I downloaded pix of men with huge penises and I watched a lot of movies. I told him how enjoyable it was and that I couldn't believe I'd wasted so much time fantasizing about only one person. Shortly thereafter he agreed to make me stop suffering and "pretending to like porn" because he was going to quit. And sure enough, he never looked at the crap again. EVER. That was about a year ago.

 

We broke up recently (for different reasons) and he finally admitted to me that it had absolutely destroyed him when I started looking at porn. He said he was so sorry and that he couldn't believe he'd been so buttheaded and arrogant and put me through so much pain once he realized how much it hurt. It was the most wonderful validation I've ever had.

 

So, if you want him to know how much he's hurting you, turn the tables.

[Hund1976]

He looked at porn for several hours a day, and would anxiously await my leaving so he could look at it.

There is a difference between casual use and being addicted. Just like drinking, if you go out and have a few beers once in awhile its probably not a big deal. But if you're waking up on someones lawn every morning you're probably addicted. If a guys is spending hours every day he probably has a problem.

I like your turning the tables plan though.

But if you're the type of lady who can't stand porn you should ask men upfront about it and if they say they like porn, leave and look for a no-porn man, don't expect them to change.