Over 40 and dating

[Woggle]

When men say that they like to feel needed by a woman most of the time it doesn't mean that they want a woman who doesn't take care of herself. Men don't like to feel disposable to a woman or that she can take or leave him. If a woman is that ambivalent towards a relationship what is the point of committing? I would never want a woman who wears the I don't need a man stuff on her sleeve like a badge of honor. I don't know too many men who have had happy relationships with woman like that.

[Tayla]

Where is it written that a lady cannot be Independent ?? that she "Must need" a man to be leading a fullfilling life? Most guys I have dated are actually secure in the fact that I do most of my repairs, car work, and still manage to be a lady in public. They actually like knowing that I am not a damsel in distress. Once mutual regard and a sense of " I enjoy your company" is recipricated most relationships can flourish. Since I am past 40's and enjoying this stage of life....If dating happens and there is potential then I let it ride its course. The Less expectations and the more exhilarion can be had. Meet on mutaul turf and with a sense of self, and most things turn out just fine. Its a balance of self sufficiency and Inter dependent in knowing they are reliable when times call for it.

[WesternWizard]

Well 40 is still too early to notice the "lack of men ",but by 55 there are twice as many single women as men....so at 50s its starting

 

I'm not that far myself from hitting the big 5-O... IME late 30s and 40s is the worst possible time of life for a man to be without female companionship, and I don't mean from the standpoint of not having a f. buddy. Late 30s-50 is a time when some of our close family members start dying off... not the best time to be ignored by the opposite sex.

 

But, hey... my family members all dropped like flies during that time due to their own bad health decisions, and I made it through ok despite being avoided by women.

 

At 55, I'll be around to see if women still dislike me as much.

[Weezy1973]

I am a sensitive, honest person who is faithful. When I love a man I have only eyes for him. It's just the way I am.

 

Yet in your initial quote you said nothing of these things. You said you were slim. And educated. And those things made you a great catch. In your mind what qualities do you actually think makes one a great catch??

 

If a man were to say I'm sensitive, honest and faithful. When I love a woman I only have eyes for her.

 

Does that make a man a great catch?

 

Or if a man said, I'm fit, successful and educated. I attract a lot of women...

 

Does that make a man a great catch? Where do your priorities lie? Which man would you be more interested in?

 

Superficial is the last thing I am.

 

Then how come when you qualified yourself as a great catch, you only listed superficial qualities? Are you sure you're not superficial? You listed overweight men as being losers? Is that not superficial?

 

I have no control over what kind of men are on dating sites. If most of them are unavailable, overweight, problematic, want a younger woman, there is little I can do about that. I can also not force myself to get together with such men because they will only make my life miserable.

 

All sorts of men are on dating sites, yet the only ones that are attracted enough to you to go on a date (by your own admission) are losers. Do you take zero ownership of that? I'm sure there are plenty of men on OLD sites that you are interested in / are attracted to, but apparently have no interest in you. Are you really a great catch??

 

I am not playing the victim, I am just stating the facts. And really, you don't have control over everything in your life so there are limits to how many opportunities you can create in your life.

 

Yes...there are limits...but let's face it - you're 50 years old and have issues forming quality long term relationships. The sooner you stop blaming other people (namely men), the sooner you find what you're truly looking for.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Any single 40 year old females? is it true that men same age prefer mostly younger women(in their 30s)? how hard is it to meet someone once you get to that age

 

It's difficult because traditional angles are taken away, such as school, friends of friends, and etc.

 

You could easily never meet anybody for the rest of your life if you are not proactive about it.

[Kid_Charlemange]

What is picky? Really, is it too much to ask for:

 

Thanks for illustrating my point. I'm much more interested in a match's personality, sense of humor, ability to hold a conversation, and her general kindness. I don't automatically discount millions of women because of some arbitrary list.

 

FYI:

 

57% of men have cheated (source: Infidelity Statistics | Statistic Brain)

 

33% of Americans do not own their own home

 

68% of Americans over 25 do not have a college degree

 

35% of Americans are obese

[Kid_Charlemange]

The worst thing that can happen is settling for a guy and then all of sudden feel the pain when you notice that another woman is with the kind of guy you would have wanted to be with.

 

That makes dating sound like some kind of competition, rather than an attempt to meet a partner. I can't imagine thinking this way.

[ascendotum]

That makes dating sound like some kind of competition, rather than an attempt to meet a partner. I can't imagine thinking this way.

 

Oh but it is, like a game of musical chairs over time, except where some chairs are more desired than others because you also get a prize if you get to sit on them. You are in competition with other men for the women you desire, plus at the same time women are competing for guys more desirable than you. Not everybody has this overt competitive attitude when it comes to finding a gf/bf, but I reckon most get impacted by the dating supply & demand market forces

 

If what you desire is out of the main stream in terms of desirability then that women wont be getting continuous supply of options and you'll be a good contender....assuming you meet what is important to her in a bf.

[jay1983]

Oh but it is, like a game of musical chairs over time, except where some chairs are more desired than others because you also get a prize if you get to sit on them. You are in competition with other men for the women you desire, plus at the same time women are competing for guys more desirable than you. Not everybody has this overt competitive attitude when it comes to finding a gf/bf, but I reckon most get impacted by the dating supply & demand market forces

 

If what you desire is out of the main stream in terms of desirability then that women wont be getting continuous supply of options and you'll be a good contender....assuming you meet what is important to her in a bf.

 

I think what men desire is easier than what women desire. Some studies have shown that 80% of women only desire 20% of men. I don't know how accurate or credible these studies are, but when the OLD experiments are shown, that seems to be exactly the case. Kid chamange said this kind of thing dates back to the cave man days and that's true. I don't think women can help It, it maybe be part of their biological programming. They're attracted to powerful men, like men are attracted to beauty and youth.

[PinkInTheLimo]

That makes dating sound like some kind of competition, rather than an attempt to meet a partner. I can't imagine thinking this way.

 

You misunderstand me, it has nothing to do with a competition. It's about being in a relationship with someone you feel is in your league. If you feel that you are with someone who is not good enough, you will be deeply unhappy in your relationship.

 

If I would be in a relationship with an overweight man who is 15 years older than me and who is overweight, I would constantly have the feeling "Couldn't I do better?" In any case, this is purely theoretical since I would only enter a relationship when I am deeply in love and I will not fall in love with a man who is 15 years older than me and overweight.

 

Having the feeling that a man is a good catch is a condition sine qua non for me to fall in love with him. I want to feel proud when I walk next to him, not ashamed (like I saw my mother be for all of her marriage with my father - and she was right, she was way better than him).

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think what men desire is easier than what women desire. Some studies have shown that 80% of women only desire 20% of men. I don't know how accurate or credible these studies are, but when the OLD experiments are shown, that seems to be exactly the case. Kid chamange said this kind of thing dates back to the cave man days and that's true. I don't think women can help It, it maybe be part of their biological programming. They're attracted to powerful men, like men are attracted to beauty and youth.

 

Since it is the theme of this thread, that changes when you are over 40, as that top 20% of men will largely be married and have kids.

[Mascara]

I'm 43 and didn't have a problem finding dates. I did have a problem meeting men who were actually ready for a relationship, and this is the issue for many women - men find it hard to get plenty of first dates, women find it hard to meet a man who wants to go further than a few dates.

 

Avoid the ones who have just signed up to OLD. They tend to have high expectations about what they have to offer, and think that all compatible profiles will want to date them. Typically they are the ones who have absurd age preferences.

 

I met my boyfriend on OLD, and we've been together a year now, he's actually a couple of years younger than me. But it took a long time to be able to spot the ones who were just in it for the constant first-date thing.

[ascendotum]

I'm 43 and didn't have a problem finding dates. I did have a problem meeting men who were actually ready for a relationship, and this is the issue for many women - men find it hard to get plenty of first dates, women find it hard to meet a man who wants to go further than a few dates.

 

Avoid the ones who have just signed up to OLD. They tend to have high expectations about what they have to offer, and think that all compatible profiles will want to date them. Typically they are the ones who have absurd age preferences.

 

I met my boyfriend on OLD, and we've been together a year now, he's actually a couple of years younger than me. But it took a long time to be able to spot the ones who were just in it for the constant first-date thing.

I think things flip a bit around 40. Men slowly go off the boil for wanting a committed relationship with women their own age and women I knew who were picky or living the SATC life now wanted to settle down. I agree with your point on the first date vs relationship dynamic between the sexes. I'm your age, and now myself and my friends are finding a lot more women coming out of the woodwork around then. OLD sign up by women in 40s are 10 x that of those in their 30s on a site was last on. We were keener 5 yrs back on the settling down aspect when we were meeting women in their 20s/early 30s. For me personally I wanted a LTR to begin with lust then become love then devotion. Its a lots harder to get that as you get older and women get older. Now we are the ones tending to say 'meh', not feeling the chemistry. Its not that I think I'm hot but still want the intense passion for someone. Its a lot easier when you are younger and chasing younger women. Really dating >40 is a recent phenomenon. In the greater history of homosapien, people were hardwired to seek out partners and start having babies in their teens. 40s was tribal elder

[Weezy1973]

If you feel that you are with someone who is not good enough, you will be deeply unhappy in your relationship.

 

You see this mentality so much amongst the "always singles" on LoveShack. That "I'll never settle" attitude. What do you mean by good enough exactly?

 

If I would be in a relationship with an overweight man who is 15 years older than me and who is overweight, I would constantly have the feeling "Couldn't I do better?"

 

You keep referring to people that are overweight as losers or not good enough. And then you say you're not superficial. Make no mistake - it's your superficiality that keeps you single; nothing more. People that are attracted to core characteristics (such as empathy, integrity, compassion etc.) get into relationships with quality people over and over. You seem to filter by meaningless things like weight and age.

 

Having the feeling that a man is a good catch is a condition sine qua non for me to fall in love with him.

 

But apparently the men that you think are a good catch have literally no interest in you. But you define yourself as a good catch. Hmmm... Something's off here...

 

I want to feel proud when I walk next to him, not ashamed (like I saw my mother be for all of her marriage with my father - and she was right, she was way better than him).

 

Ah. Now you're many relationship problems are starting to make sense. The opposite sex parent is the biggest predictor of quality relationship success and it seems you have little to no respect for your father. This probably leads you to overcompensate in your expectations for a partner. Can I ask how was she way better than him?

[thefooloftheyear]

Im a guy that fits into that demographic and while i currently am out of the game at this time, here is what I found among the guys I know in my circle that arent married...

 

These guys are all in the early 40's to 60 years old...All are pretty successful types that are either business owners or have high paying jobs..Most of them are in great shape and take good care of themselves..Most are divorced, one is a widower...

 

These guys have no trouble finding women, but are pretty much jaded to the whole "committed relationship" and "tying down" of things..The minute a woman they are dating becomes too needy or clingy, they usually bail...

 

Surprisingy, many of these guys tell me that the women they meet are interested in marriage...Id say there is no better way to scare off a good guy then bring that into the picture...These guys are usually paying big alimony checks and have had their lives turned upside down from the divorce process.....They just dont want to go there...

 

The thing I am feeling is that most just want a casual deal were they can get laid regulariy, have some fun times, but without heavy committments..Not that these guys want to bang a harem of women, theyll keep it monogomous. just that they dont want to have to have all of the committments that a proper bf/gf relationship entails....

 

Unfortunately most of the women feel the exact opposite...so it becomes a problem....They want to move in and play house almost immediately-accorifing to these guys ....and they arent looking for that..

 

YMMV

 

TFY

[jay1983]

You misunderstand me, it has nothing to do with a competition. It's about being in a relationship with someone you feel is in your league. If you feel that you are with someone who is not good enough, you will be deeply unhappy in your relationship.

 

If I would be in a relationship with an overweight man who is 15 years older than me and who is overweight, I would constantly have the feeling "Couldn't I do better?" In any case, this is purely theoretical since I would only enter a relationship when I am deeply in love and I will not fall in love with a man who is 15 years older than me and overweight.

 

Having the feeling that a man is a good catch is a condition sine qua non for me to fall in love with him. I want to feel proud when I walk next to him, not ashamed (like I saw my mother be for all of her marriage with my father - and she was right, she was way better than him).

 

You strike as the kind of person where if everything was fine a relationship would leave your partner for someone better.

[FitChick]

These guys are all in the early 40's to 60 years old...

Surprisingy, many of these guys tell me that the women they meet are interested in marriage.

 

The thing I am feeling is that most just want a casual deal were they can get laid regulariy, have some fun times, but without heavy committments.

 

Unfortunately most of the women feel the exact opposite...so it becomes a problem....They want to move in and play house almost immediately-accorifing to these guys ....and they arent looking for that..

 

TFY

Interesting. I've found it to be the opposite.

 

Divorced men want to get steady sex but they want someone to look after their other needs, like make sure they have a clean house, cooked meals and their laundry is done. The divorced women say they never want to cook or do someone else's laundry or have men underfoot in their house again. They like the freedom and like to be wined and dined and laid but not some guy around 24/7. Women have their female friends to socialize with while most men are used to the wives organizing their social lives. I think that explains why remarriage rates are higher for divorced men than for women. Women are more independent now.

[thefooloftheyear]

Interesting. I've found it to be the opposite.

 

Divorced men want to get steady sex but they want someone to look after their other needs, like make sure they have a clean house, cooked meals and their laundry is done. The divorced women say they never want to cook or do someone else's laundry or have men underfoot in their house again. They like the freedom and like to be wined and dined and laid but not some guy around 24/7. Women have their female friends to socialize with while most men are used to the wives organizing their social lives. I think that explains why remarriage rates are higher for divorced men than for women. Women are more independent now.

 

Hmmmm

 

Id be interested to see a study on that....I think this just may be your experience....but I dunno..Or maybe that might be the case if the guy is broke and needs to latch onto a woman for survival..

 

I mean...Think about it...If a guy is successful and relatively well off, why does he really need someone to do household chores and cook and clean? Most wind up in smaller places that dont require much upkeep. and can pay for all of that domestic stuff and eat out every day...

 

Ive never in my entire life met a divorced middle aged guy that wanted to get within 100 yards of marriage...If he got his head handed to him -as is most of the case, then the sting of that will never wear off..Just too painful..

 

 

TFY

[Mascara]

Im a guy that fits into that demographic and while i currently am out of the game at this time, here is what I found among the guys I know in my circle that arent married...

 

These guys are all in the early 40's to 60 years old...All are pretty successful types that are either business owners or have high paying jobs..Most of them are in great shape and take good care of themselves..Most are divorced, one is a widower...

 

These guys have no trouble finding women, but are pretty much jaded to the whole "committed relationship" and "tying down" of things..The minute a woman they are dating becomes too needy or clingy, they usually bail...

 

Surprisingy, many of these guys tell me that the women they meet are interested in marriage...Id say there is no better way to scare off a good guy then bring that into the picture...These guys are usually paying big alimony checks and have had their lives turned upside down from the divorce process.....They just dont want to go there...

 

The thing I am feeling is that most just want a casual deal were they can get laid regulariy, have some fun times, but without heavy committments..Not that these guys want to bang a harem of women, theyll keep it monogomous. just that they dont want to have to have all of the committments that a proper bf/gf relationship entails....

 

Unfortunately most of the women feel the exact opposite...so it becomes a problem....They want to move in and play house almost immediately-accorifing to these guys ....and they arent looking for that..

 

YMMV

 

TFY

 

I'd agree with much of this, but I think that those men are projecting too much. I've never been married, and I wouldn't even get involved with someone who was arbitrarily making me pay for what someone else did to him. It's got nothing to do with "wanting to play house". I simply wanted a good, loving relationship with someone who wasn't just out for a casual, serial monogamy thing. I'm not blaming those men for feeling that way, I'm just saying don't complain that you can't get dates if you're like that.... I wasn't remotely interested and neither are many women.

 

That's not being needy or clingy, but I can see how a man who doesn't want to settle down might see it that way. As I say - and you've confirmed - this is the OLD problem from a woman's perspective.

[gaius]

Where is it written that a lady cannot be Independent ?? that she "Must need" a man to be leading a fullfilling life? Most guys I have dated are actually secure in the fact that I do most of my repairs, car work, and still manage to be a lady in public. They actually like knowing that I am not a damsel in distress. Once mutual regard and a sense of " I enjoy your company" is recipricated most relationships can flourish. Since I am past 40's and enjoying this stage of life....If dating happens and there is potential then I let it ride its course. The Less expectations and the more exhilarion can be had. Meet on mutaul turf and with a sense of self, and most things turn out just fine. Its a balance of self sufficiency and Inter dependent in knowing they are reliable when times call for it.

There are guys out there that enjoy an independent woman. I'm one of them. But it seems to hinder a lot of them overall. =/ Especially if they don't need a man to the point they aren't actively out looking for one, flirting, giving guys they find attractive sexy glances, etc etc.

 

To this day I'm still shocked one of my ex's manages to stay single as much as she does. But she just hides herself from men often because she doesn't really need one. I was surprised you haven't dated in a while Tayla. Never would have guessed until you brought it up in your last thread.

[irc333]

I don't know about the first part but I definitely agree on the second about married men. There is a very good reason why they are not single. Whenever I meet a man around my age/a little older or younger and he is single, I try to work out why he hasn't been snapped up yet.

 

No really good reason to "work it out of him" as he's likely to say something like "I just haven't found the right one yet."

 

Of course, some women may not buy that reason, but I can't help if they can't buy it. So even if you even get a reason, chances are you're not going to buy into it and judge him before she even gets to know him.

 

Quite sad.

 

I mean, I could come back with, "Hm, how come you've been divorced two times?"

[xxoo]

Hmmmm

 

Id be interested to see a study on that....I think this just may be your experience....but I dunno..Or maybe that might be the case if the guy is broke and needs to latch onto a woman for survival..

 

I mean...Think about it...If a guy is successful and relatively well off, why does he really need someone to do household chores and cook and clean? Most wind up in smaller places that dont require much upkeep. and can pay for all of that domestic stuff and eat out every day...

 

Ive never in my entire life met a divorced middle aged guy that wanted to get within 100 yards of marriage...If he got his head handed to him -as is most of the case, then the sting of that will never wear off..Just too painful..

 

 

TFY

 

I've been to a few second weddings of Middle Aged men.

 

The primary reason I've discerned for remarriage is companionship, and sonetimes wanting to have a family. In many cases, the divorce was a clean break from a professional ex wife who has her own assets to protect.

[thefooloftheyear]

I've been to a few second weddings of Middle Aged men.

 

The primary reason I've discerned for remarriage is companionship, and sonetimes wanting to have a family. In many cases, the divorce was a clean break from a professional ex wife who has her own assets to protect.

 

 

Not doubting, but that would surprise me that a divorced guy in his 40's/50's would want to remarry and have kids...And lets face it...no one needs to marry for companionship..

 

Eh...to each his/her own...I am sure most that want a certain scenario will eventually find a willing participant..

 

TFY

[Emilia]

No really good reason to "work it out of him" as he's likely to say something like "I just haven't found the right one yet."

 

Of course, some women may not buy that reason, but I can't help if they can't buy it. So even if you even get a reason, chances are you're not going to buy into it and judge him before she even gets to know him.

 

Quite sad.

It can't be that it's always someone else's fault. If every single person you have ever dated has been wrong for you, it must be you. It can't be all of them.

I mean, I could come back with, "Hm, how come you've been divorced two times?"

Sure, everyone has their own issues. The key is whether you can live with the other person's issues.

[Priv]

It can't be that it's always someone else's fault. If every single person you have ever dated has been wrong for you, it must be you. It can't be all of them.

 

For me it is the other way around. With every single person I have ever dated I have been wrong for them.

 

 

Is that a better answer?