Over 40 and dating

[carhill]

Conversely, many of these guys just seem content to be Lone Wolves at that point..Most of these guys work a ton of hours anyway, and like to have hobbies to do with their male buddies..

 

Yeah, that probably describes me. D pushed my retirement back by 8-10 years and the older body just doesn't get the same work flow in my job as when I was younger. By rights I should already be retired and just working for fun but that's how it goes. Dating is the furthest thing from my mind right now and has been for awhile. Perhaps, after moving to an area with more available women who perhaps are actually single and maybe enjoy sitting out on the boat doing the simple things in life I might get back into it. Right now it's too much of a time, money and emotion suck to make any sense.

[BluEyeL]

Almost 10 years ago I went to a matrimonial agency to ask for information. I spoke to a very kind older lady there and she told me that you should make a first assessment of the following 3 things when you meet a man for the first time:

1. Do you have a number of common interests?

2. Can you imagine being naked in bed with him?

and

3. Would you feel proud or ashamed to be walking next to him on the street?

 

I think she was dead on.

 

I never subscribed in the agency because when I wanted to do it a year later or so, the older lady had retired and was replaced by some young woman with whom I did not feel the same empathy and wisdom.

 

You sound happy with your boyfriend and proud to be walking next to him, so all is well.

But I would not be attracted to an overweight man and consequently not be proud walking next to him.

I disagree with these criteria, but to each their own. Common interests, chemistry and status/looks are not good basis for building lasting love. Instead, characteristics such as respect, shared values, good character, low novelty seeking, agreeability are much better predictors for long term success. When you are 65, the things you mentioned are not going to matter anymore.

 

You should read the book "The Science of Happily Ever After", by Ty Tashiro, Ph.D. for more information. Also, you could contact dating coaches and see what they think.

 

For a sample check this:

 

How Important Are Common Interests in a Relationship?

 

What Makes Love Last - Chemistry or Compatibility?

 

However, I don't expect you to change your mind and your ways of approaching your search for love. Nobody really changes their ways. So I just wish you good luck in finding that that you're looking for!

[BluEyeL]

Fair enough....

 

The thing about the guys I know in this group(divorced and middle aged), the ones that are mostly in their 50's are telling me things I find somewhat amazing, but I've heard it more than once...

 

As their libido has fallen off as a natural part of the aging process, they are finding less of an importance on dating and a relationship...One guy in particular recently told me that he cant wait for the day he doesnt have any sex drive....That it will completely take the "dog and pony show" of courting and dating out and he can just live his life...

 

I dont see that happening for me, but it is an interesting point....I think women, even if they are post menopausal and not crazy about round the clock romping in the sack, still seem to want someone to cuddle, a companion and a life partner...Conversely, many of these guys just seem content to be Lone Wolves at that point..Most of these guys work a ton of hours anyway, and like to have hobbies to do with their male buddies..

 

I think thats why there are so many older couples that are pretty miserable, but dont bother to divorce..Almost seems like you reach an age where if you dont have that burning desire or sexual attraction to find someone else, then it might not even be worth ripping your lives apart...So these people just avoid one another, arent out sleeping around, but just settle into a life of apathy..

 

TFY

It makes sense that some men would feel that way. For me, personally, I don't think the need for "cuddles" is all that strong that I'd be willing to pay any price for. But maybe other women are more "cuddly". I hadn't talked to many other single women about that.

 

Certainly, women look more for love, while men look for sex, so it would seem natural that women want to settle down more. Definitely not all of them though. I think we cannot generalize one way or another. If I learned anything through my one year plus of dating that I did in this lifetime is that everyone is very different.

 

Regarding older couples who don't divorce although they don't get along anymore. I'm sure there are many reasons for staying together. I'm going to throw in there finances though. Not everyone can afford to divorce. Men also don't need, like you said, sexual variety anymore and will be happy if the wife is taking care of the cooking and looking after their health, and maybe not making them too miserable. Women would be happy to have a second income and are scared of being alone.

 

I am talking to a friend of mine who's 45, married 17 years. She still has school age kids. She's unhappy with her husband who checked out of the marriage, doesn't participate, and occasionally calls her names and yells at her. She has a good job, but two kids with one income in an expensive part of the country....can't really afford to leave. Plus there is a lot of fear. I think one of the reasons second marriages fail at a higher rate is that people know that they'll survive. If my husband called me a name, I'd be out the door next second, no fear here anymore, I know I can be very happy on my own. But it took me 4 years to get over my first divorce....I still hoped we'll fix it. So yeah...bottom line, it's complicated.

[thefooloftheyear]

It makes sense that some men would feel that way. For me, personally, I don't think the need for "cuddles" is all that strong that I'd be willing to pay any price for. But maybe other women are more "cuddly". I hadn't talked to many other single women about that.

 

Certainly, women look more for love, while men look for sex, so it would seem natural that women want to settle down more. Definitely not all of them though. I think we cannot generalize one way or another. If I learned anything through my one year plus of dating that I did in this lifetime is that everyone is very different.

 

Regarding older couples who don't divorce although they don't get along anymore. I'm sure there are many reasons for staying together. I'm going to throw in there finances though. Not everyone can afford to divorce. Men also don't need, like you said, sexual variety anymore and will be happy if the wife is taking care of the cooking and looking after their health, and maybe not making them too miserable. Women would be happy to have a second income and are scared of being alone.

 

I am talking to a friend of mine who's 45, married 17 years. She still has school age kids. She's unhappy with her husband who checked out of the marriage, doesn't participate, and occasionally calls her names and yells at her. She has a good job, but two kids with one income in an expensive part of the country....can't really afford to leave. Plus there is a lot of fear. I think one of the reasons second marriages fail at a higher rate is that people know that they'll survive. If my husband called me a name, I'd be out the door next second, no fear here anymore, I know I can be very happy on my own. But it took me 4 years to get over my first divorce....I still hoped we'll fix it. So yeah...bottom line, it's complicated.

 

 

Good points and I do agree..

 

It really is an eye opener at times...IME, Women seem to be eternally optimistic when it comes to relationships...You can talk to a 70 year old woman that has been through the ringer and she might wax on about if she can find her Prince Charming, etc...At this age(middle age), it just seems like the guys are all jaded and bitter.....They seem only willing to play along to get some sex...Id imagine it must be very frustrating for both....but id say more so, the women...

 

TFY

[irc333]

Funny you mention that. I have a friend of mine about to turn 50. For some reason, he was lacking motivation to really take up the energy to date women. He'd casually meet them, usually at a Meetup event, but wasn't really motivated...would wait too long to follow up with a woman (like 3 weeks) to call her.

 

He's not doing this purposely, nor attempting to be a "player" type....he was like "I'll call her when I get around to it." TYpe attitude.

 

One time this woman got someone emotionally invested in him, at least they were intimate enough (kissing heavily) one one of their dates.

 

They went to a party at someone's house...they came in separate cars. (She with her female friends, him by himself, as he lives on the other side of town).

 

His "girlfriend" asked him to dance, and he said his "foot hurt", he's been telling me his ankle has been bothering him for some time for whatever reason.

 

This other woman kept asking him to dance a few times, he gave the same excuse bout his foot...then said women, grabbed his hand and dragged him to the dance floor. It was a slow dance apparently.

 

The woman he was "dating" got pissed and never returned his calls again.

 

He claimed ignorance, but I Think it was his apathy that did him in.

 

I said to him, "Dude! Just tell the nagging woman who wanted to dance with you that..simply...'I'm with someone!"

 

And that would've been that.

 

But he tells me, "I don't want anyone at the party to get the wrong idea...we really aren't a couple."

 

I guess he wasn't wanting to make it "official" yet, but I guess the make out session she had with him didn't amount to much.

 

I just slapped my forehead.

 

The guy didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but I am guessing he was so complacent/ apathetic...he was oblivious to what kind of an emotional impact he was having on someone else

 

 

Fair enough....

 

The thing about the guys I know in this group(divorced and middle aged), the ones that are mostly in their 50's are telling me things I find somewhat amazing, but I've heard it more than once...

 

As their libido has fallen off as a natural part of the aging process, they are finding less of an importance on dating and a relationship...One guy in particular recently told me that he cant wait for the day he doesnt have any sex drive....That it will completely take the "dog and pony show" of courting and dating out and he can just live his life...

 

I dont see that happening for me, but it is an interesting point....I think women, even if they are post menopausal and not crazy about round the clock romping in the sack, still seem to want someone to cuddle, a companion and a life partner...Conversely, many of these guys just seem content to be Lone Wolves at that point..Most of these guys work a ton of hours anyway, and like to have hobbies to do with their male buddies..

 

I think thats why there are so many older couples that are pretty miserable, but dont bother to divorce..Almost seems like you reach an age where if you dont have that burning desire or sexual attraction to find someone else, then it might not even be worth ripping your lives apart...So these people just avoid one another, arent out sleeping around, but just settle into a life of apathy..

 

TFY

[PinkInTheLimo]

Just out of curiosity, are you as hot as you seem to demand your guys to be??

 

Not saying its true of you, and its something I see with both genders....people asking for things that they themselves cant bring to the table..

 

TFY

 

Who says I am looking for hot guys? I would never use the word "hot" for what I want in a man. I want to find him attractive, that's something totally different than him being "hot".

I already said somewhere that drop dead gorgeous does not do it for me and that I prefer "handsome ugly guys" .

 

I would not describe myself as "hot" but I am attractive, especially for my age. I am slim (European size 6) and sporty. People seem surprised when I tell them my age (50 in 2 months) and say that I look a lot younger. And this is not something I find very important, I do an effort to look good but certainly not to look younger.

 

So if I don't want an overweight man, I am not asking that he brings something to the table that I don't bring myself.

[PinkInTheLimo]

You absolutely did say that overweight men were losers ...... Please refer to the 3rd sentence in your 2nd paragraph from post #33.

 

Well it is true that I don't have a lot of respect for people who treat their body badly and is that not what overweight people do?

 

Why is the focus on the fact that I don't want an overweight man and not on the fact that there are way too many overweight people these days? And the reason of being overweight is simple: eating and drinking too much.

I've never seen overweight people on images from countries where there is a famine crisis...

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

I just slapped my forehead.

 

 

Sounds like you should have slapped his, eh?

 

Is this friend extremely attractive by any chance? I've noticed that same apathy in some of my better-looking male friends. They seem to like the hunt, and if there's no challenge, they get bored. We are all about the same age as your friend.

[jay1983]

Well it is true that I don't have a lot of respect for people who treat their body badly and is that not what overweight people do?

 

Why is the focus on the fact that I don't want an overweight man and not on the fact that there are way too many overweight people these days? And the reason of being overweight is simple: eating and drinking too much.

I've never seen overweight people on images from countries where there is a famine crisis...

 

This is even more distrubing than your comment about your father. I get hit on by a lot of big girls, big girl practically love me. Although I don't feel they're a good match for me, I still treat them with with respect and a 2 of my really good friends are overweight ladies.

[Tayken]

Who says I am looking for hot guys? I would never use the word "hot" for what I want in a man. I want to find him attractive, that's something totally different than him being "hot".

I already said somewhere that drop dead gorgeous does not do it for me and that I prefer "handsome ugly guys" .

 

I would not describe myself as "hot" but I am attractive, especially for my age. I am slim (European size 6) and sporty. People seem surprised when I tell them my age (50 in 2 months) and say that I look a lot younger. And this is not something I find very important, I do an effort to look good but certainly not to look younger.

 

So if I don't want an overweight man, I am not asking that he brings something to the table that I don't bring myself.

 

 

"Attractive" is subjective, and since when has slim been the deciding factor of being attractive?

 

Am just saying that's all. A better argument about people asking for what they can't bring to the table will be (for me at least) a woman without a career, earns 2, 3 or more less than me.

[Tayken]

This is even more distrubing than your comment about your father. I get hit on by a lot of big girls, big girl practically love me. Although I don't feel they're a good match for me, I still treat them with with respect and a 2 of my really good friends are overweight ladies.

 

 

I can relate to that too....I get quite a few "a little extra", "curvy" women sending me posts, and not once do I ignore them or be nasty to them. They can see my pictures and know that am athletic, but it doesn't stop them.

 

In my experience, it's the women that aren't all that, that always think they are the best thing since slice bread. Then you have to wonder why they are single, and only have their cats and dogs to rub at night

[Looking Outside In]

Any single 40 year old females? is it true that men same age prefer mostly younger women(in their 30s)? how hard is it to meet someone once you get to that age

 

 

Speaking as a guy, when I was in my 20's, women in their 40's appealed to me most. Why? Well...physically, the ones I knew of rocked! Need I say more? Other than that, women of that age range tend to be a lot more mature, so that's another plus.

 

A younger 20 something female might be nice to look at-maybe not. The thing is, from what I've seen with a few exceptions (and having looked from the outside in), they simply lack the maturity in most cases.

[PinkInTheLimo]

"Attractive" is subjective, and since when has slim been the deciding factor of being attractive?

 

Am just saying that's all. A better argument about people asking for what they can't bring to the table will be (for me at least) a woman without a career, earns 2, 3 or more less than me.

 

Don't worry, my career is going fine. There are not that many guys out there who earn 2 or 3 times more what I earn .

 

I can relate to that too....I get quite a few "a little extra", "curvy" women sending me posts, and not once do I ignore them or be nasty to them. They can see my pictures and know that am athletic, but it doesn't stop them.

 

In my experience, it's the women that aren't all that, that always think they are the best thing since slice bread. Then you have to wonder why they are single, and only have their cats and dogs to rub at night

 

I am not nasty to overweight men. I just don't want to date them. They don't attract me and I see them as addicted to food, and I think it is better to avoid a partner with an addiction.

Would you find it normal that I date a drug or alcohol addict? I don't think so. Then why should I date a food addict?

 

I have a healthy life style. I eat in a healthy way and I do some sports. It's normal that I want a partner who also does that.

Edited September 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Priv]

We do, we're just much more prone to like what we see. Some of us old guys were joking about that just last week.

 

And for my part, the most attractive women to me are those around my age.

 

It is generally diagnosed as clinical male confirmation bias

[ComingInHot]

honestly, just thinking about the possibility of dating again should something happen in my 40's scares the pi$$ out of me. I think I would just want to be around people who are like minded and enjoy doing the same things as me. As far as attraction the above has the most to do with it but as a human I'd prefer to have a physical attraction to the person as well. It's not like I would buy a painting or piece of art that I wasn't drawn or attracted too ya know? I also wouldn't want to date any guy prettier than me either... good looking is all subjective. Am I 'hot' or do I have appeal? depends who is looking I guess. Same goes for me. Just saying shouldn't the appeal go both ways regardless?

[Priv]

honestly, just thinking about the possibility of dating again should something happen in my 40's scares the pi$$ out of me. I think I would just want to be around people who are like minded and enjoy doing the same things as me. As far as attraction the above has the most to do with it but as a human I'd prefer to have a physical attraction to the person as well. It's not like I would buy a painting or piece of art that I wasn't drawn or attracted too ya know? I also wouldn't want to date any guy prettier than me either... good looking is all subjective. Am I 'hot' or do I have appeal? depends who is looking I guess. Same goes for me. Just saying shouldn't the appeal go both ways regardless?

 

Nah. I have seen your post and condition in the sexual health section. Men on LS are already lining up, I can only imagine what the rest of the world thinks. You will be fine

[ComingInHot]

seriously? you had to bring that up??!?

[GorillaTheater]

seriously? you had to bring that up??!?

 

You're cute when you're blushing.

[ComingInHot]

oh good lord

BACK TO dating over 40... I believe the OP was stating that women are picky with OLD sites? curious, picky as in you feel they are expecting or wanting more than what they themselves are willing to offer by way of looks, lifestyle and stability? Or all the women on the site you visit are all sexy, amazingly talented over 40 women expecting to find the same? (that last bit was meant to be humorous*) cause I am walking that line myself

[Priv]

seriously? you had to bring that up??!?

 

 

Like you gave me a choice?

 

 

oh good lord

BACK TO dating over 40... I believe the OP was stating that women are picky with OLD sites? curious, picky as in you feel they are expecting or wanting more than what they themselves are willing to offer by way of looks, lifestyle and stability? Or all the women on the site you visit are all sexy, amazingly talented over 40 women expecting to find the same? (that last bit was meant to be humorous*) cause I am walking that line myself

 

Don't know, but I have a newfound respect and curiosity for women over 40.

 

 

Ok ok ok. Priv stop it. You are not quite 40 yet and have nothing meaningful to add to this conversation (last post, promise )

[ComingInHot]

Ahh! Stop!

[Looking Outside In]

Don't worry, my career is going fine. There are not that many guys out there who earn 2 or 3 times more what I earn .

 

 

 

I am not nasty to overweight men. I just don't want to date them. They don't attract me and I see them as addicted to food, and I think it is better to avoid a partner with an addiction.

Would you find it normal that I date a drug or alcohol addict? I don't think so. Then why should I date a food addict?

 

I have a healthy life style. I eat in a healthy way and I do some sports. It's normal that I want a partner who also does that.

 

 

I can't say I am "athletic", but I am by no means addicted to food nor am I overweight. I can totally relate to what you mean as it's the same thing for a lot of men-me included. I see many posts online where the first thing or one of their hobbies or interests pertains to freaking food. I had a nice little post about that. So what happens? Some woman asks me if I want to go out to eat or if I am opposed to that. I was like.....it's not that I'm opposed to that sort of thing, but after eating, then what?

 

That's something that when I tell people that, they look at me in a state of complete shock.

 

On the flip side of what you're saying about not wanting a guy who is addicted to food, overweight, etc., let me say this. I see a LOT of women who say they're "thick" or "curvy". I am tempted to ask if they mean convex or concave, but...when you're 5' 6"" woman and 190 (or better), and you don't consider yourself to be obese, there's a problem.

 

I seem to have the opposite issue of you. I wear a 36 inch pant size in the waist. Women online openly reject a guy like that as in my village, that's considered to be a bean pole. To be honest, I have a time finding underwear as that's not a size the stores seem to abundantly stock-unless you go what they consider to be teen-agers and the like.

 

I don't mind a woman who is "thick" if she's shaped nicely and such. I'm with you there since you're speaking from a woman's perspective. How does one present it though without being offensive?

 

I remember once, I gave an example of what I considered to be "thick" based on a TV personality. I think that reference offended someone. If I cite a NHI statistic to be objective, forget it.

 

Honestly, it's refreshing and frustrating at the same time to actually here a woman say that she wants a man who isn't that size! LOL In my way, women have explicitly said they want a guy who is at least 230-and that's not hard to find especially if they're under 6 foot. I'm not talking about some guy how is built like a fire house or the like either.

 

I guess the women on here might be able to relate to this-maybe not. With OLD, I've heard loads of women say that they end up getting some really explicit pictures-including visible signs of venereal disease. That's more or less anticipated in great numbers by women-at least my way.

[Tayken]

Like you gave me a choice?

 

 

 

 

Don't know, but I have a newfound respect and curiosity for women over 40.

 

 

Ok ok ok. Priv stop it. You are not quite 40 yet and have nothing meaningful to add to this conversation (last post, promise )

 

I was going to say, you don't even know half of it. A lot of those over 40 have serious baggage in terms of debt, jaded, unresolved issues with ex, entitlement because they are close to retirement and are looking for that cushion of a guy to lessen the load.

 

You are to also accept them and their kid(s) as a package, but they will handle the discipline whilst you just provide for them and their brood.

 

If you are lucky, you will find that unicorn who is over 40 without all the above mentioned, and believes in being equal

 

I see a LOT of women who say they're "thick" or "curvy". I am tempted to ask if they mean convex or concave, but...when you're 5' 6"" woman and 190 (or better), and you don't consider yourself to be obese, there's a problem.

This is usually their deluded way of saying they are fat/obese. I like how they just post a head shot in profile, like I can't tell from your face and arms that you are heavy.

 

women have explicitly said they want a guy who is at least 230

 

Yeah...I can see women close to that size themselves saying that, to make themselves feel better. That size is scary to me

Edited September 25, 2014 by Tayken

[smackie9]

If you are lucky, you will find that unicorn who is over 40 without all the above mentioned, and believes in being equal

 

 

 

That would be me, but that is why I'm still with the same guy for 24 years lol.

[ComingInHot]

why do females break up due to arguments about a pizza?

 

Was the argument actually Over The Pizza?...

 

Or was the argument an accumulation of irritations that she decided she could not build a future on?

 

I honestly don't know? I think once you are over the initial shock, things might come to light in your head that you can say, "ahhh she said or did or asked for a, b & c and I couldn't/wouldn't deliver (which is not necessarily a bad thing*)" and that is why the relationship was bound to end.

 

If it was really Over Pizza - the pizza must have sucked or she is just really shallow *lol*

Hang in BPW - this too shall pass