Over 40 and dating

[BluEyeL]

Hmmmm

 

Id be interested to see a study on that....I think this just may be your experience....but I dunno..Or maybe that might be the case if the guy is broke and needs to latch onto a woman for survival..

 

I mean...Think about it...If a guy is successful and relatively well off, why does he really need someone to do household chores and cook and clean? Most wind up in smaller places that dont require much upkeep. and can pay for all of that domestic stuff and eat out every day...

 

Ive never in my entire life met a divorced middle aged guy that wanted to get within 100 yards of marriage...If he got his head handed to him -as is most of the case, then the sting of that will never wear off..Just too painful..

 

 

TFY

 

Why Wealthy Divorced Women Don't Remarry And Men Do

 

According to a survey of 5000 members of MillionareMatch.com, 83% of divorced men would consider marriage in the next five years, while only 32% of divorced women would do the same.

[Kid_Charlemange]

If I would be in a relationship with an overweight man who is 15 years older than me and who is overweight, I would constantly have the feeling "Couldn't I do better?" In any case, this is purely theoretical since I would only enter a relationship when I am deeply in love and I will not fall in love with a man who is 15 years older than me and overweight.

 

 

Glad we settled that.

 

Good luck in your search.

[Kid_Charlemange]

You keep referring to people that are overweight as losers or not good enough. And then you say you're not superficial. Make no mistake - it's your superficiality that keeps you single; nothing more. People that are attracted to core characteristics (such as empathy, integrity, compassion etc.) get into relationships with quality people over and over. You seem to filter by meaningless things like weight and age.

 

That pretty much is what my reaction was; I posted about how a lot of women (and some men) treat OLD as a "shopping cart" for features, and along comes a stunning, almost too-perfect example of that kind of thinking.

 

"Superficial" doesn't even begin to describe this kind of thinking.

[BluEyeL]

That pretty much is what my reaction was; I posted about how a lot of women (and some men) treat OLD as a "shopping cart" for features, and along comes a stunning, almost too-perfect example of that kind of thinking.

 

"Superficial" doesn't even begin to describe this kind of thinking.

I agree. It's a faulty logic and a big reason why women end up in ****ty relationships because the guy is hot and charming, qualities that have no relevance in the long run.

 

Men also don't date overweight women though.

[PinkInTheLimo]

That pretty much is what my reaction was; I posted about how a lot of women (and some men) treat OLD as a "shopping cart" for features, and along comes a stunning, almost too-perfect example of that kind of thinking.

 

"Superficial" doesn't even begin to describe this kind of thinking.

 

There is nothing superficial about not wanting a partner who is overweight. First of all, I don't find it attractive, never have and never will. I don't expect men my age (late forties, early fifties) to have 5% body fat and a six-pack and a super athletic body. However, if he is sporting that typical man belly which is a consequence of too much food, too much alcohol and not enough movement, it's really too much fat for me. Unless a man has some sharpness to him, I cannot find him attractive.

I happen to be really slim myself (European size 6) and rather toned because of yoga and regular running and I find the thought of lying in bed next to an overweight man repulsive.

 

Nothing superficial about wanting a partner who is attractive. I don't think men would get together with women they dread touching, would they?

 

The second reason why I don't want an overweight man is that overweight people risk serious health problems and I don't want a partner who has health problems he brought over himself. That's also why I don't want a partner with an alcohol and/or drug addiction (and overweight people actually have a food addiction. People with an addiction are destroying their body and this will automatically have a negative impact on you as a partner (you will have to spend money on doctors and hospitals and you will not be able to do nice activities because of the illness).

 

If my partner would live in a healthy way and have a disease or an accident I would be able to accept it because it would just be a twist of fate and I would know he did not do anything to provoke this. But if my partner would become ill because he lacks the character to eat less and more healthy, it would make me angry.

 

For example, I know a woman whose husband had diabetes because he ate in a very unhealthy way. The doctors urges him to change his eating habits. At a certain point he had to have a part of his foot amputated. The consequence is of course that he is now hampered in his movement and she has to help him a lot, and they cannot do things together they used to do. I could not live with someone who would be so careless about his health (and my happiness).

[Kid_Charlemange]

Men also don't date overweight women though.

 

Some don't. I have. I'm more attracted to thin women, skinny even -- athletic often doesn't do it for me. But that's just my personal preference, and I think everyone should be upfront about his or her attraction preferences. Nothing wrong with that.

 

However... in this case we're seeing things like "not good enough" and that seeing other women with the kind of man she deserves would upset her, or being unhappy because she could "do better," and being a man that she could be "proud" of and not "ashamed." That's waaaay beyond any kind of "I prefer this type" statement and, to me, indicates some really deep seated issues.

 

I just don't see how such thinking can ever lead to finding a person. You'd always be looking for the next, hotter guy, and dumping the one you have.... "not settling" doesn't mean waiting for George Clooney...

[PinkInTheLimo]

I just don't see how such thinking can ever lead to finding a person. You'd always be looking for the next, hotter guy, and dumping the one you have.... "not settling" doesn't mean waiting for George Clooney...

 

You immediately give a negative twist to what I said. It's about finding a guy "who is in your league". Once you have found such a guy there is no reason to look out for the next "better" guy.

When I am in love I am in love with that one guy I am with. I definitely don't suffer from "the grass is greener" symptom, never have.

 

But when I was younger I have been together with guys who were not in my league and something was missing.

 

You can keep calling me superficial but what I am saying is not superficial. It's about having enough things in common, about being similar enough.

[BluEyeL]

 

However... in this case we're seeing things like "not good enough" and that seeing other women with the kind of man she deserves would upset her, or being unhappy because she could "do better," and being a man that she could be "proud" of and not "ashamed." That's waaaay beyond any kind of "I prefer this type" statement and, to me, indicates some really deep seated issues.

 

I just don't see how such thinking can ever lead to finding a person. You'd always be looking for the next, hotter guy, and dumping the one you have.... "not settling" doesn't mean waiting for George Clooney...

I agree that in this case, she sounded very....I don't know. Bad anyway.

[BluEyeL]

There is nothing superficial about not wanting a partner who is overweight. First of all, I don't find it attractive, never have and never will. I don't expect men my age (late forties, early fifties) to have 5% body fat and a six-pack and a super athletic body. However, if he is sporting that typical man belly which is a consequence of too much food, too much alcohol and not enough movement, it's really too much fat for me. Unless a man has some sharpness to him, I cannot find him attractive.

.

I used to think exactly like that. Until three months ago when I met someone who is overweight. When I left the first date, I was 90% sure I wouldn't give him a second date, but I saw something in his eyes. He seemed kind and intelligent. So I gave him a second date, I said what's the worst that could happen, I'd like to see him again. I warmed up slowly to him but I have to say that once I started to develop feelings for him, the fact that he's overweight doesn't matter one bit anymore. I am so happy I gave him a chance! It's still quite new, but this is the best man I've dated and I am now very attracted to him.

 

He is definitely not a "loser" and I resented seeing you referring to people like that. They are human beings, none of us is perfect, I don't think. I'm not ashamed to be seen with him, and who doesn't like it can ...you know what. I don't give a ****.

[xxoo]

You misunderstand me, it has nothing to do with a competition. It's about being in a relationship with someone you feel is in your league. If you feel that you are with someone who is not good enough, you will be deeply unhappy in your relationship.

 

If I would be in a relationship with an overweight man who is 15 years older than me and who is overweight, I would constantly have the feeling "Couldn't I do better?" In any case, this is purely theoretical since I would only enter a relationship when I am deeply in love and I will not fall in love with a man who is 15 years older than me and overweight.

 

Having the feeling that a man is a good catch is a condition sine qua non for me to fall in love with him. I want to feel proud when I walk next to him, not ashamed (like I saw my mother be for all of her marriage with my father - and she was right, she was way better than him).

 

It's like the chicken and the egg. Which comes first?

 

When I am in love with someone, I see him through rose colored glasses. I can't imagine better. I'm in love!

 

It sounds like you are saying that you first judge practically, and then fall in love. But how? The heart wants what it wants....unless it is guarded and isn't given the chance to fall in love.

[hotpotato]

That pretty much is what my reaction was; I posted about how a lot of women (and some men) treat OLD as a "shopping cart" for features, and along comes a stunning, almost too-perfect example of that kind of thinking.

 

"Superficial" doesn't even begin to describe this kind of thinking.

 

As if men dont want attractive women. You cant be talking about a woman who doesnt want to date someone nearly old enough to be her dad and overweight.

[hotpotato]

I agree. It's a faulty logic and a big reason why women end up in ****ty relationships because the guy is hot and charming, qualities that have no relevance in the long run.

 

Men also don't date overweight women though.

 

Plenty of men wont date overweight women and will chase much younger women til the cows come home no matter what hes bringing to the table.

[thefooloftheyear]

Why Wealthy Divorced Women Don't Remarry And Men Do

 

According to a survey of 5000 members of MillionareMatch.com, 83% of divorced men would consider marriage in the next five years, while only 32% of divorced women would do the same.

 

 

Wealthy divorced women???...what about the others that are broke or of meager means??

 

Selfish b!tches is all they are......

 

But seriously.....Show me something that showcases the Average Joe or Susan...Im tellin' you from the front lines...Nodivorced middle aged guys want anything to do with marriage..

 

One merciless beating is more than enough....

 

TFY

[BluEyeL]

Wealthy divorced women???...what about the others that are broke or of meager means??

 

Selfish b!tches is all they are......

 

But seriously.....Show me something that showcases the Average Joe or Susan...Im tellin' you from the front lines...Nodivorced middle aged guys want anything to do with marriage..

 

One merciless beating is more than enough....

 

TFY

You were talking about successful men, this is why I gave you that one. Yes, if a woman is broke, she can have more incentive to marry. Nevertheless, ine third of the divorced men remarry within 5 years. Only 25% of the divorced women do.

 

Still, of course one third is the minority so you do have a point.

 

I'm over 40, make low six figures, so I'm independent, and I have mixed feelings about marriage myself. I'd like the companionship, but I'm the type who cooks and cleans, and takes care of loved ones, so I'm not sure I want to take on the responsibility of caring for an aging man and compromise on the freedoms I gained through hard work all my life. But I think if I met someone who's worth it, I'd do it, if it's right. Surely will not live with someone though, without the ring. I'd sign a prenup in case of marriage.

Edited September 19, 2014 by BluEyeL

[PinkInTheLimo]

He is definitely not a "loser" and I resented seeing you referring to people like that. They are human beings, none of us is perfect, I don't think. I'm not ashamed to be seen with him, and who doesn't like it can ...you know what. I don't give a ****.

 

I don't think I said that I see overweight men as "losers", I think it's the other posters who used that word.

 

The overweight men I see around me all have the same flaw: they eat too much and unhealthy, they drink too much (I am sure they will not see it that way and simply say that they "have a couple of glasses to unwind") and they don't engage in any sport.

Not only do I find these men unattractive because that belly just is too big but I fear the negative impact of their health issues.

 

In other words, I don't think that I could be happy with such a man and so far, I certainly have never felt attracted to one.

 

Let's be serious, this is not a feature which they have no control over. This is a choice. There is so much talk about smaller guys on this forum and lack of height in a man but that is something a guy has no control over. And it has never prevented me from finding a short guy cute of even have a relationship with him.

 

I don't give a toss if he is not a tall guy but I do care if he is overweight!

[Under The Radar]

I don't think anyone here is lobbying for ...... or demanding ...... that others date people they are unattracted to or are not "age appropriate" for them.

 

 

What I do think people take issue with is habitual hypocrisy, a lack of ownership, and insensitivity.

 

 

If someone tells me they have been OLD for FOUR years ...... and the ONLY people they have met are "losers" ...... then it's pretty clear who the common denominator is in that scenario.

 

 

To equate overweight people with the word "loser" is not only an untrue statement, but screams arrogance to me.

 

 

I've met plenty of women OLD that were not a good match for *ME*, but in no way, shape, or form did I label them losers. They were good people, some became friends, and many went on to successfully meet another man ...... someone who was a better match for them than me.

 

 

As a career personal trainer ...... with a college education in social work ...... I can say that some of the best people I have ever known were overweight. Some of them I would, indeed, classify as winners ...... certainly not losers.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I'm not ashamed to be seen with him, and who doesn't like it can ...you know what. I don't give a ****.

 

Almost 10 years ago I went to a matrimonial agency to ask for information. I spoke to a very kind older lady there and she told me that you should make a first assessment of the following 3 things when you meet a man for the first time:

1. Do you have a number of common interests?

2. Can you imagine being naked in bed with him?

and

3. Would you feel proud or ashamed to be walking next to him on the street?

 

I think she was dead on.

 

I never subscribed in the agency because when I wanted to do it a year later or so, the older lady had retired and was replaced by some young woman with whom I did not feel the same empathy and wisdom.

 

You sound happy with your boyfriend and proud to be walking next to him, so all is well.

But I would not be attracted to an overweight man and consequently not be proud walking next to him.

[Under The Radar]

Any single 40 year old females? is it true that men same age prefer mostly younger women(in their 30s)? how hard is it to meet someone once you get to that age

 

I'm a 40 year old guy dating a 44 year old ......

 

 

...... Not all men are interested in dating only younger women.

 

 

Edited September 19, 2014 by Training Revelations

[Kid_Charlemange]

It's still quite new, but this is the best man I've dated and I am now very attracted to him.

 

Good for you! I wish you the best with this relationship.

 

A lot of people think "being attractive" and "being good-looking" are the same thing.

 

Ann Coulter is (or was) good-looking. She is completely and totally unattractive. I've heard women say that Ricky Gervais is very attractive; not because of his looks but because he's smart and funny.

 

If physical features (and having your own home and a college degree -- I forget the rest of the list) are all that matter to a person, then it really shouldn't be that hard to find a partner. In your case, you took a chance because you saw something there. And hey, maybe now that he's in a happy relationship, he'll want to get into better shape to be able to keep up with you! Everybody wins

[Kid_Charlemange]

I've met plenty of women OLD that were not a good match for *ME*, but in no way, shape, or form did I label them losers. They were good people, some became friends, and many went on to successfully meet another man ...... someone who was a better match for them than me.

 

Same experience.

 

Case in point: A paraplegic woman and I have become pen pals. No, we're not going to date. I was a caretaker once, and it's just not what I'm into at this stage of my life. But she's wickedly funny and has a great sense of humor. We compare films, books and music. She's even given me advice on some of the OLD women I'd been considering.

 

She is not a "loser." She's just not right for me -- and we agreed on that right away. Dating would have gotten in the way of a great friendship!

[Kid_Charlemange]

I'm a 40 year old guy dating a 44 year old ......

 

 

...... Not all men are interested in dating only younger women.

 

 

 

I've given up on dating for a year or so, but before I did, I went out a lot in 2014. I had just ended a two-year relationship with a woman three months younger than me. I'm now 51, and my dates have been with 14 women who ranged from 40 to 54. The 40 is an outlier, as the next youngest was 46. The median was probably 49.

 

I don't think I could handle the drama of a 20-something

[irc333]

 

 

If someone tells me they have been OLD for FOUR years ...... and the ONLY people they have met are "losers" ...... then it's pretty clear who the common denominator is in that scenario.

 

LOL...though OLD is a different realm than real life encounters, if I had a dime for every woman I'd seen with online profile with an axe to grind or a "loser" reference or "If you're looking for a booty call, one night stand, or a fling, or play games, move on!"

 

Ironically, I have none of these traits yet they still ignore me. I take a break from POF....come back 6 months later or so....they are still there...they end up being permanent fixtures in the online dating realm.

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't think I said that I see overweight men as "losers", I think it's the other posters who used that word.

 

The overweight men I see around me all have the same flaw: they eat too much and unhealthy, they drink too much (I am sure they will not see it that way and simply say that they "have a couple of glasses to unwind") and they don't engage in any sport.

Not only do I find these men unattractive because that belly just is too big but I fear the negative impact of their health issues.

 

In other words, I don't think that I could be happy with such a man and so far, I certainly have never felt attracted to one.

 

Let's be serious, this is not a feature which they have no control over. This is a choice. There is so much talk about smaller guys on this forum and lack of height in a man but that is something a guy has no control over. And it has never prevented me from finding a short guy cute of even have a relationship with him.

 

I don't give a toss if he is not a tall guy but I do care if he is overweight!

 

 

Just out of curiosity, are you as hot as you seem to demand your guys to be??

 

Not saying its true of you, and its something I see with both genders....people asking for things that they themselves cant bring to the table..

 

TFY

[Under The Radar]

I don't think I said that I see overweight men as "losers", I think it's the other posters who used that word.

 

The overweight men I see around me all have the same flaw: they eat too much and unhealthy, they drink too much (I am sure they will not see it that way and simply say that they "have a couple of glasses to unwind") and they don't engage in any sport.

Not only do I find these men unattractive because that belly just is too big but I fear the negative impact of their health issues.

 

In other words, I don't think that I could be happy with such a man and so far, I certainly have never felt attracted to one.

 

Let's be serious, this is not a feature which they have no control over. This is a choice. There is so much talk about smaller guys on this forum and lack of height in a man but that is something a guy has no control over. And it has never prevented me from finding a short guy cute of even have a relationship with him.

 

I don't give a toss if he is not a tall guy but I do care if he is overweight!

 

You absolutely did say that overweight men were losers ...... Please refer to the 3rd sentence in your 2nd paragraph from post #33.

[thefooloftheyear]

You were talking about successful men, this is why I gave you that one. Yes, if a woman is broke, she can have more incentive to marry. Nevertheless, ine third of the divorced men remarry within 5 years. Only 25% of the divorced women do.

 

Still, of course one third is the minority so you do have a point.

 

I'm over 40, make low six figures, so I'm independent, and I have mixed feelings about marriage myself. I'd like the companionship, but I'm the type who cooks and cleans, and takes care of loved ones, so I'm not sure I want to take on the responsibility of caring for an aging man and compromise on the freedoms I gained through hard work all my life. But I think if I met someone who's worth it, I'd do it, if it's right. Surely will not live with someone though, without the ring. I'd sign a prenup in case of marriage.

 

 

Fair enough....

 

The thing about the guys I know in this group(divorced and middle aged), the ones that are mostly in their 50's are telling me things I find somewhat amazing, but I've heard it more than once...

 

As their libido has fallen off as a natural part of the aging process, they are finding less of an importance on dating and a relationship...One guy in particular recently told me that he cant wait for the day he doesnt have any sex drive....That it will completely take the "dog and pony show" of courting and dating out and he can just live his life...

 

I dont see that happening for me, but it is an interesting point....I think women, even if they are post menopausal and not crazy about round the clock romping in the sack, still seem to want someone to cuddle, a companion and a life partner...Conversely, many of these guys just seem content to be Lone Wolves at that point..Most of these guys work a ton of hours anyway, and like to have hobbies to do with their male buddies..

 

I think thats why there are so many older couples that are pretty miserable, but dont bother to divorce..Almost seems like you reach an age where if you dont have that burning desire or sexual attraction to find someone else, then it might not even be worth ripping your lives apart...So these people just avoid one another, arent out sleeping around, but just settle into a life of apathy..

 

TFY