Why am I so lonely

[WhenTheRainComes]

We've been married 6 years. Not the best years of my life but 6 years none the less. We have 2 daughters 6 and 6 months. Last year I started seeing him for who he really is. He's got control issuses. always telling me what to do, telling me who I can talk to on the phone always listening in on ever conversation.

 

I just finialy started to get tired of being treated like crap. He'd never hit me before it was all just verbal and mental. Well Resently I just finally snaped when he was telling me I was fat. I just had a baby! I still hadn't lost all the weight. And I just started telling him I was tired of the way he treated me and I wasn't going to take it anymore.

 

He got mad threw me to the ground choked me grabbed a screw driver that was near by and tried to stab me with it. I not being a hitting person just layed there and took it. After all that was over he thought saying he was sorry was going to fix everything. It doesn't. That just tore my life apart him doing that.

 

That was 2 days ago. He's not coming back I don't ever want to see him and because Of what he done to me I can stop him from seeing the girls.

 

But why am I so lonely? Will the pain in my heart ever go away?

 

I walked into this house with my daughters tonight like I have so many times and walked into the room here he usually was expecting to be yelled at because we were late, and he wasn't here. Is this normal? I was upset because I wasn't getting my every day yelling.

 

I feel alone here in this great big house. Last night I went into the girls rooms and watched them sleep. asking my self if I done a bad thing buy taking their father away? But I'm scared for my life and theirs If I were to take him back which I'm not. And no one believes me that I wont take him back. I've left before and missed him so bad I took him back. But not this time. He tried to kill me. Even if I did love him I could never take him back!

 

But thats just it I don't love him. I love the thought of a man in my bed a man holding me tight as I sleep. It wasn't him that I loved it was a form of comfort, in some weird way.

 

Any Imput would be greatly accepted.

[moimeme]

You had a habit. Habits are comfortable old robes - even when they're ratty, we're used to them. But in this case, it's a habit you have to lose the taste for. It's like cigarettes or booze - it may seem to be your friend but it'll kill you if you don't dump it.

 

You will have to deal with the loneliness and loss for a while but it will get better. Spend lots of time with your kids. See friends. Do some projects that haven't been done. Understand that it'll be bad for a while, but then it will be better, whereas if you stayed with him, it would never get better.

 

Use this time to take care of yourself well. Eat well, get enough sleep, and be sure you're healthy. Dream up a dream for yourself - maybe a vacation in Tahiti or a new home or a different job. Then, when you're tempted to think of him, switch your thoughts to that dream and think about that instead.

 

Also, write down all the awful things he ever did or said to you, especially the bit about stabbing you, and read it every time you start remembering the good things about him. He may have had good qualities, but they are far outweighed by the bad and that's why you have to keep the bad in the forefront of your mind.

 

You may even want to join a support group for abused women. Call your local domestic violence hotline and they may have some recommendations for you. You can do this - for the sake of your children, if nothing else. Be strong!

[sami]

Are you missing him or you are missing the yelling? These are two different issues.

[Yikes]

moimeme... Great advice!!

 

WhenTheRainComes,

 

Moimeme has some excellent suggestions. The healing process is going to take time. You will have some ups and downs, but you do NOT want this guy in your life. If you are fearing for your own safety and the safety of your girls, then know that you have most certainly done the right thing. Focus on the good things that you have going on in your life, no matter how small they are.

 

The only suggestion that I would add is this: "Worry about the things that are in your control, and accept the things that aren't".

 

All wounds heal... unless you pick at them.

 

Good luck.

Y

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by moimeme

Call your local domestic violence hotline and they may have some recommendations for you. You can do this - for the sake of your children, if nothing else. Be strong!

 

Yes! Do this. You need resources and you need them quickly. I'm concerned that your husband's feelings of guilt will not keep him away indefinately. Abusers have a habit of feeling very bad initially and then rationalizing their own behavior. Then...they're back in your face again, angrier than ever.

 

The domestic abuse hotline can put you in touch with people who can help you through the legal process, and may even be able to help you find financial resources. Do you have a restraining order? If he tried to kill you, is a RO going to be enough?

[WhenTheRainComes]

Thanks to all of you for replying. I've been spending alot of time with my friends and family. Its weird now because I acttually get to see them longer than 5 min. I'm feeling alot better after reading all your post.

 

Thanks for careing enough to reply.

 

After I posted this early this morning I had a phone call from My Best friend just finding out about all of this. Her and her daughters are going to move in with me and help me cope for awhile she just has to move back here from New York so Its going to take her a bit to move back. She didn't know about it because she has no phone I had to call a friend of a friend you know how that goes It takes forever to get it to the person who you was calling for.

 

No I do not want him back. I don't even know why I miss him. I'm starting to think the only reason why I'm lonely is because after The girls go to bed its just me alone in this big house with nothing but the internet, the TV and the stereo. I miss having someone I can talk to. You know?

 

If I need someone to talk to about anything can I talk to you all?

[sami]

Sure you can. This what this LS forum is all about. Wish you the best.

[WhenTheRainComes]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Yes! Do this. You need resources and you need them quickly. I'm concerned that your husband's feelings of guilt will not keep him away indefinately. Abusers have a habit of feeling very bad initially and then rationalizing their own behavior. Then...they're back in your face again, angrier than ever.

 

The domestic abuse hotline can put you in touch with people who can help you through the legal process, and may even be able to help you find financial resources. Do you have a restraining order? If he tried to kill you, is a RO going to be enough?

 

 

Yes I have a restraining order. I'm concerned about the guilt too. But I really don't look for him to be back his family said they'ed make sure He wont be after I told them what had happened.

 

He left out the reason why the cops had him to them. He just didn't tell them he tried to kill me when they found out there weren't to happy. he just told them I was mad at him.

 

I'm glad I had just found a job before this had happened. Thats what had started the fight. He didn't want me to work and I wanted out of the house at least for a few hours a day. And him telling me that a woman shouldn't work made me snap and I just started telling him what has been going thru my mind for awhile now, he didn't like what he heard and got mad.

 

Its His loss it really is. I was a good wife I'm a great mother. He's never going to find someone else like me, I'm sure of that.

 

Thank you all again for replying It made me feel special.

[WhenTheRainComes]

Originally posted by sami

Sure you can. This what this LS forum is all about. Wish you the best.

 

 

Thank you very much.

[sami]

You are always welcome. Take care of yourself , your two daughters and enjoy their friendship and company. You've got friends and supporters here at LS.

[Ladyjane14]

Post as much as you want. You can rant, an you can whine if you feel like it. It's ALL GOOD.

 

It can be very cathartic to get your problems out of your own head, and out in the forum.

[WhenTheRainComes]

Thanks so Much, at least I have people to talk to about this, and about anything else thats bothering me. You all are great.

[sami]

LS has been a helpful place for many of us including myself. We disagree and differ on many things but with love and respect. We may have our ups and downs but we always get back on our feet with strong determination to enjoy life. In that I have personally succeeded. I want to thank every friend I made through this forum. I also want to sincerely apologize to everybody who might felt hurt or offended by my posts which were meant to express my opinions on the subjects posted. I love all of you w/o a doubt. You have been soo wonderful and so helpful.

[WhenTheRainComes]

its like one big family huh? Good I can always use more family members.

[sami]

You are right. That's really true.

[Lil Honey]

WTRC:

 

Welcome to LS. Unfortunately the circumstances could be better, but welcome nonetheless.

 

You have some very good suggestions here. I might add that, if I were you, I would get the locks changed on the house. I would also change the phone number and any other way he has of contacting you. The only contact he should have with you is through a lawyer.

 

I would also notify the school and tell them that you (or a designated family member) are to pick the kids up from school.

 

Do NOT cut this guy any slack. Don't underestimate what he might do. Anyone who can run a screwdriver through another persoality of doing something just as cold-hearted.

 

As far as being lonely . . . I think you miss the stress, the anticipation of being yelled at when you walk in the door. Shower your kids with love and they will return the love. Redefine your loneliness as new-found freedom.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[WhenTheRainComes]

Thanks for welcoming me.

 

I think I might have to change the number.

 

 

Here's and Update His mother just called telling Me I should take him back for the girl's. She said the girls need him. Mostly the baby because she's brand new and doesn't really know him. She thinks all of this is my fault and that I should ignore my own happiness just so my girls can have their father. I asked her what do you want me to do just forget that he tried to kill me? She goes yeah thats In the past now. How stupid does she think I am?!?! I don't have stupid tattooed to my forehead!!!!

 

She wants me to come to her house and have dinner with them so we can work it out. I told her He cant come within 100 feet of me and There is nothing to work out that This marriage is over. She thinks That because I just had the baby is why all of this happened.

 

She didn't want our marriage to work out any ways. At the wedding she was taking bets trying to see how long it was going to last. She even had the nerve to tell me at my own wedding that he can do better than me. I think she had in backwards.

 

Freedom! that has a nice ring to it. I'm free of his mother always butting into our lives and making me look bad. I'm free of him always telling me off. Free of having to smell his cologne that makes me sick to my stomach. He wears Pollo and it just stink to me. I'm finally free. That just makes me Happy.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by WhenTheRainComes

Here's and Update His mother just called telling Me I should take him back for the girl's. She said the girls need him. Mostly the baby because she's brand new and doesn't really know him.

I disagree. Your girls do NOT need to see how he treats you. They do NOT need to learn that a woman "should put up" with that crap. They will learn that it is okay to stay in an abusive relationship.

 

She thinks all of this is my fault and that I should ignore my own happiness just so my girls can have their father.

She's full of it, simply because she is sticking up for her son. She is probably afraid that if YOU don't take him back, SHE will have to. LOL

 

I asked her what do you want me to do just forget that he tried to kill me? She goes yeah thats In the past now. How stupid does she think I am?!?! I don't have stupid tattooed to my forehead!!!!

It is YOUR life - not hers. No you DON'T have "stupid" written on your forehead, SHE does. This is YOUR life and your daughters'. She has no business even getting her nose into it.

 

She wants me to come to her house and have dinner with them so we can work it out. I told her He cant come within 100 feet of me and There is nothing to work out that This marriage is over.

Good for you!

 

She thinks That because I just had the baby is why all of this happened.

She is blaming you. Just like her son blames you. Gosh, I wonder where HE got the personality from . . . the nut really doesn't fall from the tree, does it?

 

She didn't want our marriage to work out any ways. At the wedding she was taking bets trying to see how long it was going to last. She even had the nerve to tell me at my own wedding that he can do better than me. I think she had in backwards.

She sounds just . . . *cough* . . . "lovely."

 

Freedom! that has a nice ring to it. I'm free of his mother always butting into our lives and making me look bad. I'm free of him always telling me off. Free of having to smell his cologne that makes me sick to my stomach. He wears Pollo and it just stink to me. I'm finally free. That just makes me Happy.

You can now start a life full of what you want. You have already begun to teach your daughters how to be independent women.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by WhenTheRainComes

But I really don't look for him to be back his family said they'ed make sure He wont be after I told them what had happened.

 

He left out the reason why the cops had him to them. He just didn't tell them he tried to kill me when they found out there weren't to happy. he just told them I was mad at him.

 

Well, already it looks like whatever influence you thought his family had over him is falling apart. The rationalization process has begun.

 

Lil' Honey had some good thoughts, particularly on informing the school system. And I STILL think you should make that phone call to your local domestic abuse hotline. You don't have to divulge any more information than you strictly want to, but the more resources you have at your disposal, the better prepared you will be.

[Mz. Pixie]

WTRC-

 

I knew they would probably eventually get to the place were they rationalized his behavior. I had the best inlaws in the world. I loved them so much- they had been in my life for 18 years. I especially loved my father in law- I mean hero worship was really what it was like. He was the only real father I ever had. When my x and I separated they said they loved me and they weren't going to take sides. That lasted about two days.

 

Everyone tried to talk me out of divorcing him. He wasn't abusive physically, just emotionally. They said things to me like that too- for the kids sake etc. Well your kids deserve a happy mother. A happy mother can take care of them, a beaten or dead one cannot.

 

At some point we all have to get tough- pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and do what it takes to make our lives what we need it to be. It's VERY hard to get through all that negativity while you're struggling to deal with what's been done to you. I KNOW. I lost every significant relationship I have had in my life- including my very best friend.

 

You are the one that has to live with the decision that you make, as well as the children. Make the right one for them. Change the locks, change the number- don't even give it to his family. Get caller ID and if they do call you do not answer their calls- turn the machine off so they can't leave a message. You are STRONG or you wouldn't have made it this far! Hang in there sweetie!

[WhenTheRainComes]

My Mother In-law is a peice of work I'm telling you. She act like its all me. She just called again asking if I was to come to dinner again, and again I tell her He cant come within 100 feet of me. She said if I wont come to him then they'll just bring him home. I told her then I'd Have the cops waiting when he gets here. I told her he doesn't have a home. He is living with her right now and His father doesn't want him

 

Her and My Father In-law are Divorced. I always thought they got Divorced because One or the other cheated. Because thats what They told us all for years. LOL Find out today That My father In-law done the same thing to her as my hubby did to me.

 

And she's trying to get me to stay with him. She left her marriage when her's got this bad. Lil Honey you was right that nut really doesn't fall far from the tree. But My father In-law is on my side. He knew the hubby did wrong and he don't blame me for any of it and he said I'd be much happyier on my own.

 

He regrets ever doing that to his wife, and he's gotten help and he said he wouldn't have stayed with her because of what he'd done to her, even if she wouldn't have filed for the divorce.

 

Hubby wasn't aloud to pick up the daughter from school I had fixed that when she started school. The only ones aloud are me and my mom. See hubby don't drive and there was no need for him to be on the pick up list. and if he's not on there even being her father he cant pick her up from school.

 

Thanks for all the input. I have a nice family here. I like that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Quit taking her calls. I know it's kinda like a train wreck- you don't want to look but you can't help yourself. Seriously, it will help if you just distance yourself. If he shows up- prove you meant business and call the cops.

 

My mom was abusive and ranted all the time. One of the ways I dealt with her was caller ID and turning off the phone and answering machine. You'd be surprised how liberating it is not to have to listen to that crap.

 

My father in law that I adore so much showed up at my home after I told my Ex that I wanted the divorce. Ex was out of town as usual. Father in law had two pages on handwritten legal paper of questions he wanted to ask me. I sat and answered each one of them out of respect for him. I can't tell you how hard that was. We both cried. Even though I answered all his questions, he has still stooped lower than I would ever have thought he would to protect his son.

It's gonna be painful no matter what you do but you can prevent some of this.

 

Once you get past this you will be amazed at home much better you will feel- not getting yelled at or controlled.

[WhenTheRainComes]

The last time she called I didn't answer my daughter did and handed me the phone before I could even look at the caller ID. She said she's call me back later well when she does No one's home. Some of My friends are taking me out to make me feel better and my mom is going to watch the girls for me it was all their idea. They all came up with this and then called me and said I couldn't say no so. Were going out Well I better go get ready.

 

I love my friends and Family their the best in the world.