OMG Why wont he just let me go????

[PreciousOne]

I've been in a A for almost 9 yrs. and I'm sick of it. I recently found out a lot of messed up things about him and I'm just so ready to move on but at the same time I love him and developed a real friendship with him.

 

 

My question is why the hell wont he leave me alone. I found out back in March that I had herpes and I told him about it and at the time I didn't think I got it from him because I had sexual partners previous to him and didn't use protection but almost always used it with him.

 

 

After finding out things about him I decided to just shut him out and go no contact which kinda worked except for times I answered the phone to curse him out. After being so emotionally exhausted he came to my home out of the blue and cornered me and tried to have sex with me which in turn really pissed me off because who would willingly risk catching herpes. And now I'm wondering if he gave it to me.

 

 

Besides that like what's his point of trying to hold on to me this dude is significantly older than me Im 25 he's 58. He knows we don't have a future but knows I love his dumb ass. He let me dog him out like I just don't get it we aren't having sex anymore so what the hell is he around for?

 

 

Why won't he just let me go.

[OffRail]

I've been in a A for almost 9 yrs. and I'm sick of it. I recently found out a lot of messed up things about him and I'm just so ready to move on but at the same time I love him and developed a real friendship with him.

 

 

My question is why the hell wont he leave me alone. I found out back in March that I had herpes and I told him about it and at the time I didn't think I got it from him because I had sexual partners previous to him and didn't use protection but almost always used it with him.

 

 

After finding out things about him I decided to just shut him out and go no contact which kinda worked except for times I answered the phone to curse him out. After being so emotionally exhausted he came to my home out of the blue and cornered me and tried to have sex with me which in turn really pissed me off because who would willingly risk catching herpes. And now I'm wondering if he gave it to me.

 

 

Besides that like what's his point of trying to hold on to me this dude is significantly older than me Im 25 he's 58. He knows we don't have a future but knows I love his dumb ass. He let me dog him out like I just don't get it we aren't having sex anymore so what the hell is he around for?

 

 

Why won't he just let me go.

 

9 YEARS ? Or did you mean 9 months ? If it was indeed 9 years, he might even be looking at jail time for statutory rape - you were 16 then and he was 49 !!! What a sicko.

 

It still is sick, even if it was just 9 months. Why won't he let you go ? Ummm... How about you are a young girl in the prime of your life and he is an older geezer who is eligible to collect social security in a few years ?

 

You love him ? Even though you have cause to suspect that he gave you an STD ? Geez... Wonders will never cease.

[DKT3]

Yeah, this dude is a off messing around with a 16 year old. That is not ok.

 

You engage him so he continues. If you don't engage then he will have no other option then to leave you alone.

[PreciousOne]

 

You love him ? Even though you have cause to suspect that he gave you an STD ? Geez... Wonders will never cease.

 

 

I can't pinpoint where I got it from like I said I had partners previous to him and wasn't careful and had never been tested until March 2014. I feel it's possible now because who would risk that. With that being said, I wish I didn't love him and despite how messed up the entire situation is I still do I wish there was a switch to turn it off if it was I would cut it off and smash the bitch to pieces!!

 

 

 

 

To DKT3

 

 

I know I do I've tried hard to ignore him I don't answer the door don't return phone calls but he is just so damn persistent and unfortunately I have a weakness for him. I switched work shift to graveyard shift for a while because I know I'll be too tired to function outside of work and I'm a bit of a grouch when my sleep is disrupted to that should help me some

[DKT3]

I can't pinpoint where I got it from like I said I had partners previous to him and wasn't careful and had never been tested until March 2014. I feel it's possible now because who would risk that. With that being said, I wish I didn't love him and despite how messed up the entire situation is I still do I wish there was a switch to turn it off if it was I would cut it off and smash the bitch to pieces!!

 

 

 

 

To DKT3

 

 

I know I do I've tried hard to ignore him I don't answer the door don't return phone calls but he is just so damn persistent and unfortunately I have a weakness for him. I switched work shift to graveyard shift for a while because I know I'll be too tired to function outside of work and I'm a bit of a grouch when my sleep is disrupted to that should help me some

 

 

Bottom line is you asked why he won't let you go, the honest anwser is you don't want him to. Until you are ready nothing anyone here says will truly reach you.

[PreciousOne]

Yes I still love him but I have no future with him. I respect your opinion of I don't want him to but I know I am.

 

 

I'm human I get weak but at the end of the day I'm ready to move on I just feel he is making difficult. My purpose for coming to this site was for advice and to form some type of strategy on how to deal with this situation. Not to basically be told that I want to stay in this situation forever and just be a side chick.

 

 

I am ready to be free of this my point is, there is nothing really left between us but old feelings and by him being older he should be more mature and walk away.

[OffRail]

Yes I still love him but I have no future with him. I respect your opinion of I don't want him to but I know I am.

 

 

I'm human I get weak but at the end of the day I'm ready to move on I just feel he is making difficult. My purpose for coming to this site was for advice and to form some type of strategy on how to deal with this situation. Not to basically be told that I want to stay in this situation forever and just be a side chick.

 

 

I am ready to be free of this my point is, there is nothing really left between us but old feelings and by him being older he should be more mature and walk away.

 

 

Well, if he was truly mature, he wouldn't have seen anything in a teenager when he was 49 ! What does that tell you ? He has ZERO maturity and ZERO ethics. Not good news at all.

 

And don't get so annoyed with us, Missy. No one is telling you to be a "side chick" forever, but if you truly want him to leave him alone, then you will do whatever it takes to get him out of your life. Move, change your phone numbers, block him from social media, join the witness protection program... You get my drift ? You are making it too easy for him to find you and come to you, then wonder why he won't leave you alone, because he is the older one ? LOL.

 

He knows that you would never turn him down and that you will be available until he gets tired of you. And what if he does toss you away ? He will possibly never sleep with another young girl again, so why would he give you up ?

 

If you seriously think that it is his responsibility to walk away and leave you alone, you need to think again. And again. And again. AD infinitum.

Edited September 8, 2014 by OffRail

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Tell his wife.

 

And im not veing flippant.

 

1. STIs are involved - she deserves to know...morally you have a duty of care here. You know he wont tell her, so do the poor woman a solid.

 

2. Bet youre arse he distances himself like you have the plague once you do.

 

FWIW im not judging you. Ive read your story...I think you are troubled and were hideously exploited by this creep.

 

Stand up and do the right thing....youll like yourself more for it.

[gettingstronger]

Gently- you are the victim of sexual abuse by this man and are suffering from some type of Stockholm Syndrome- get in to counseling now-it appears you are stunted in your emotional growth due to this long term "relationship" that started before you could really understand what you were getting caught up in- counseling-now- intense counseling-

 

For him- exposure, and possibly charges for having sex with a 16 year old-

[stillafool]

I agree that if he won't leave you alone - tell his wife. Can your father or brothers talk to him and tell him to leave you alone? Have you changed all of your contact info so he can't reach you? I'm sorry you have wasted 9 years of your life with this old man instead of enjoying your youth with people your own age. If you make it very clear to him that you will contact his wife if he doesn't leave you alone he will. If he really was in love with you he would have divorced his wife and married you.

[Standard-Fare]

Tell his wife.

 

And im not veing flippant.

 

1. STIs are involved - she deserves to know...morally you have a duty of care here. You know he wont tell her, so do the poor woman a solid.

 

2. Bet youre arse he distances himself like you have the plague once you do.

 

FWIW im not judging you. Ive read your story...I think you are troubled and were hideously exploited by this creep.

 

Stand up and do the right thing....youll like yourself more for it.

 

I agree with the above advice.

 

I normally wouldn't agree with the tactic of interfering in the marriage, but given all the details here (that the affair started when you were just 16, that you have an STD, and also that you want this affair to end), this really is the best route to take.

 

I also think that the wife has a right to know that her husband has been in an affair for nine years, that he started with an underaged girl. And that she's been exposed to STDs. She can do what she wants with that information, but it's best that she has it.

 

The best way to do this would be to find some old emails or something from him to you, and attaching those to her with a brief note. Or maybe screen shots of text messages, or photo-copies of phone bills with his number or something. You want some hard evidence, so you can't just be accused of being "crazy" and "meddling."

 

The only thing I'm concerned about is... would this guy have any potential to be abusive/or even violent with you if you took this route? If you fear that risk you will need to take a lot of steps beforehand to protect yourself.

[whatatangledweb]

If you really want him gone...

 

block his number

change your phone number

close emails or Im's that he has contacted you by

do not answer the door if he comes to your home

call the police if he refuses to leave when you won't answer your door

if he stalks you go to the police

 

These are the things to start with to have no contact with him.

[loveboid]

Dear, I had a similar situation when I was a teenager. He came to my parents' door and I was unable to keep the door closed even though I knew he was a monster. The same thing happened again recently when I broke up with a guy 30 times and each time he came to my door I opened it like I didn't own my body and even though I desperately wanted him gone. I moved 9 times in 8 years. Only no contact in both cases worked.

 

Since those times I found a good counselor (after going through many therapists and doctors). She explained to me that it was because of my childhood that I couldn't trust men and I couldn't say no to them. So every interaction with them was a capitulation.

 

It is not this guy you have a weakness for. This is any guy could do this to you until you learn to stand up for yourself better. You are a young woman now, you are a respected adult with rights. You can succeed in standing up for yourself better than you could as a teenager, when you probably had parents who failed in their roles to protect you.

 

There is one mental trick you can try now. You can imagine some barrier in your mind, a thick, lush, thorny rosebush wall or metal safe room, between you and him that he cannot get around. He cannot get over, under, around or through. He cannot be seen, heard of felt.

 

I sincerely wish you better and see myself in you and my heart goes out to you. You can stand up to him! Research it on the internet! No contact.

[whichwayisup]

but he is just so damn persistent and unfortunately I have a weakness for him.

 

And he knows this. Then he uses it against you.

 

Next time he shows up at your house, call 911. He is harassing you and it's invasive and invading your space.

 

If he shows up again after calling 911, call his wife.

 

Question is, do you have it in you to do that?

[mammasita]

um, because you let him.

[stillafool]

More than likely he will leave you alone in a few years, once you are 30 or older. It's clear this guy is a freak and is probably already trying to seduce another 16 year old. I too have to ask where in the world were your parents during those years. My dad would have thrown this guy over the moon.

 

If you can please tell his wife what he has been doing to you for the last 9 years. She deserves to know about the herpes and any other STDs.

[peaksandvalleys]

I've been in a A for almost 9 yrs. and I'm sick of it. I recently found out a lot of messed up things about him and I'm just so ready to move on but at the same time I love him and developed a real friendship with him.

 

 

My question is why the hell wont he leave me alone. I found out back in March that I had herpes and I told him about it and at the time I didn't think I got it from him because I had sexual partners previous to him and didn't use protection but almost always used it with him.

 

 

After finding out things about him I decided to just shut him out and go no contact which kinda worked except for times I answered the phone to curse him out. After being so emotionally exhausted he came to my home out of the blue and cornered me and tried to have sex with me which in turn really pissed me off because who would willingly risk catching herpes. And now I'm wondering if he gave it to me.

 

 

Besides that like what's his point of trying to hold on to me this dude is significantly older than me Im 25 he's 58. He knows we don't have a future but knows I love his dumb ass. He let me dog him out like I just don't get it we aren't having sex anymore so what the hell is he around for?

 

 

Why won't he just let me go.

 

One possible answer to this question is "because you don't want him to." When a person has made up their mind about something they move in that direction without looking back, without asking or answering questions and certainly without continued contact. You control you and until you take ownership of what you "allow" to happen you will continue to ask the above question. Just a thought.

[Lovemesomehim]

If you wanted him out of your life, he would be gone. You choose to allow him to stay, therefore, he remains. Simple truth....

[Pinklotus]

No contact is the only way. You end it, you do not answer his calls or texts or emails, you do not answer the door if it's him, and you don't give any feedback or answers at all. If he is dangerous, seek help from a trusted friend and/or the police. If he continues to stalk you, then it is definitely a police matter. He may need a restraining order. But first you STOP giving him a reason to come back.

 

He got you young and he has probably influenced you a great deal,which is why this is so hard for you. I would seek counseling immediately. He is a sick person. Don't allow him to ruin your life anymore!!!

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

If you wanted him out of your life, he would be gone. You choose to allow him to stay, therefore, he remains. Simple truth....

 

I actually dont agree with this....and im normally blunt about these things. Go back and read OPs story...from memory she was virtually on the streetswhen he found her...he found her accommodation, bought her some food and started having sex with her in return. She was vulnerable, naive and he took advantage of that. She has been manipulated and groomed by him over 9 years. She feels indebted for him getting her off the streets and cannot see she was exploited. I wouldnt be surprisedif this was stockholm syndrome.

 

OP...you deserve better than this. You are too good for him. Please do thr right thing and tell his wife for her own health...she deserves that. And report him. I'll just bet when they investigate him youll find that you are just the tip of the iceberg. These things dont happen in isolation. Who knows who else he has done this to...or will in the future.

[loveboid]

For strategy I would call a women's hotline. I regret that I didn't do this myself. They have experience in this and number 1 will actually believe you. Number 2 they will help you plan. And number 3 they will respect that it's all your choice and they won't do anything that you don't want.

 

Unfortunately, when I reached out to family and online for help, people didn't believe me and it went on longer than it had to. The best strategy is to find people who are experienced in this kind of thing.

[PreciousOne]

I have by no means overlooked the fact that he is old as **** and took advantage of me I get that and dealt with that to an extent but unfortunately that didn't change how I felt. I lied about my age when I met him had my family lie for me. I always looked a lot older than my age and was always told by people who were grown that I was very mature for my age. I had to grow up very quickly coming from a home where all my parents used hard drugs(by all I mean grandparents too) and I'm not excusing him even if I was really 19 I still would've been to young for a man who was damn near fifty I get that.

 

 

I was heading down a bad path in life sometimes sleeping with men for shelter at night so I wouldn't have to be out on the street every night. I have had guys who have tried to get me on cocaine, tried to pimp me out all of that but he never tried it anything like that.

 

 

Someone here said that maybe on some level I may feel like I owe him because of all he has done for me and I found that very insightful because there is some truth to that. I'm not saying he's not some kind of monster but it's a different outlook for me because I love this man, but I'm finally learning to love myself despite my self issues and that's why I want out of this situation.

 

 

I didn't mean to get offensive but I hate when people say if you really don't want to deal with it you wouldn't. Time and time again there are unhappy women on this site who feel as if they are trapped in their relationships or their feelings and it's not easy to just walk away despite how others feel they would act in the situation. All people are not the same.

[bathtub-row]

I didn't mean to get offensive but I hate when people say if you really don't want to deal with it you wouldn't. Time and time again there are unhappy women on this site who feel as if they are trapped in their relationships or their feelings and it's not easy to just walk away despite how others feel they would act in the situation. All people are not the same.

 

It's easy for people who aren't emotionally involved in a situation to look at it with a lot less emotion, and to be more rational. We don't look at things through the same lens that you do, nor the emotional spectrum of having all the adults in your life basically "checked out" due to drug use. Most of us here have not had that to deal with, and my heart goes out to you.

 

Unfortunately, it's like love and other emotions just twist everything up and we lose our focus. In the end, you'll someday understand what people are saying, but it's just not possible to see it or act on it right now. So, telling you what you should or should not do is pointless until you come to grips with your emotions. It can be a really tough thing to do, I know.

 

I was involved with someone for a long time, too, and it took a lot of willpower to just put a stop to it. I still consider him a friend -- although I never got a sexually transmitted disease from him. I think that would cool me off quite a bit. I think what someone else said here was very true -- his wife should know about this. I'm usually the first one to tell people to leave the wife out of it but, in this case, she really, really needs to know. STDs are nothing to kid around with. If nothing else, send her an anonymous letter or note.

 

I hope you're doing ok.

[PreciousOne]

As far as me having herpes, as I stated, when I found out I had it I told him about it immediately. I told him to go and get checked because even though we always used protection there was still a possibility, he said his results came back negative and I want to believe that but I'm not so sure about it being that he tried to have sex with me but I turned him down which was the first time I've ever turned him down since the first couple of months of the relationship.

 

 

I don't know if I got the disease from him or anyone else. All I know is that I've coped with the infection and just continue to live as best I can

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Condoms are not effective in the prevention of HSV and HPV as infected cells luve innthe skin not protected by a condom. Its not transmitted like other STIs...and men are much less protected than women, so after 9 years id say theres a strong likelihood he lied about not having it.

 

Please. Tell. His. Wife.

 

She needs to be tested so that she can "cope with fhe infection" as best she can if its been transmitted to her. You need to do this...because anything lesss is morally bankrupt....just like he is.