New guy 'friend' in picture, intimacy waning

[RonaldS]

Her place or yours, the same thing is still true. If she hasn't told you to get your own place in a month, she wants you there. Now, is it possible she wants you there just as a roommate? I guess, but she'd be out all night if she was really dating other guys. And I think she'd let you know instead of reassuring you everything is okay.

 

I get what you're saying. And I'm sure you're right.

 

At the same time, I'm not one to sit around hoping somebody picks me over somebody else. If there's somebody else, let me know so I can go out and take care of myself. If you want me around for comfort and support and company and then, when I leave town, you're going to get with some other dude, let me know so I can make informed decisions on how I'm going to conduct my own life.

 

Seems weird to rope me in and then lose interest. But maybe that's just it.....she got me, so now where's the challenge?

[FitChick]

Sounds like you were convenient, so why not? Now she's met someone with whom she shares an activity and who is more compatible. Can you afford to get your own place?

 

Why didn't she marry the previous long term guy?

[RonaldS]

Sounds like you were convenient, so why not? Now she's met someone with whom she shares an activity and who is more compatible. Can you afford to get your own place?

 

Why didn't she marry the previous long term guy?

 

I can easily afford my own place. That's not an issue. I never put myself in situations where I am dependent on anybody else. It just would have been nice to stay in my place rather than let the lease run out and then move all my stuff and sell a bunch of stuff that 'we' didn't have room for. It was only a month and a half ago that I moved in. She already knew this new guy at that point.

 

She didn't marry the other guy because they grew apart. He was gone for almost 6 months every year, and although he has a fairly prestigious career, she alluded to maturity issues and selfishness.

 

This kind of situation is why I'm so hesitant to buy into 'love'. It's so tentative. A lot of people seem to love somebody....until they can better-deal them. If that's the case here, then fine....but she should let me go so I can have my own life.

[preraph]

I agree that love is much more tenuous than any of us wish it were. Have you thought about taking her away for a long weekend or something like that, just to either reaffirm or shake things up a little.

[RonaldS]

I agree that love is much more tenuous than any of us wish it were. Have you thought about taking her away for a long weekend or something like that, just to either reaffirm or shake things up a little.

 

Yeah, that's tough to do. Our schedules are not kind to us, and I'm out of town at least a couple of weekends a month.

 

Regarding the relationship and the 'love' part, I was happy enough the way things were before. But she sold me on it. I certainly wasn't looking for a relationship, and a big part of the reason I let it develop was because she was so open with her feelings that it allowed me to open up.

 

Here's where it gets goofy...,

 

I don't want to start making assumptions. I don't want to become insecure. Yet , I feel like I'm left with a knowledge void. But at the same time, correlation doesn't always equal causation, and it's a possibility that there really is nothing going on between them, and the intimacy die-off stems from something else. I can't know for sure without talking to her about it. However, if I talk to her about it and she is up to something and doesn't want me to know about it, I'm going to get the same response as if she weren't doing anything. So, then I'm kind of back to being left to assume what the reality is.

 

And....then I sit around twiddling my thumbs until something definitive happens that reveals what is really going on?

 

*sigh*

Edited September 11, 2014 by RonaldS

[StanMusial]

I can easily afford my own place. That's not an issue. I never put myself in situations where I am dependent on anybody else. It just would have been nice to stay in my place rather than let the lease run out and then move all my stuff and sell a bunch of stuff that 'we' didn't have room for. It was only a month and a half ago that I moved in. She already knew this new guy at that point.

 

She didn't marry the other guy because they grew apart. He was gone for almost 6 months every year, and although he has a fairly prestigious career, she alluded to maturity issues and selfishness.

 

This kind of situation is why I'm so hesitant to buy into 'love'. It's so tentative. A lot of people seem to love somebody....until they can better-deal them. If that's the case here, then fine....but she should let me go so I can have my own life.

 

Do people move in with their FWB's? Is that a thing?

 

Your posts are confusing... I would think moving into her home would make you at least somewhat dependent on her...

[RonaldS]

Do people move in with their FWB's? Is that a thing?

 

Your posts are confusing... I would think moving into her home would make you at least somewhat dependent on her...

 

As I stated earlier, we started out as FWBs. That was off and on for awhile. Then we sort of morphed into a normal couple in a normal relationship. We're talking about a period of two years.

 

I'm not in any way dependent on her. If we ended it tonight, I would shack up in hotel, and within a week or so I would have another place of my own. Living together is a luxury, and we're in sort of a unique living situation (hard to explain). Neither of us needs the other for anything.

[RonaldS]

And last night, she said 'You still like me, don't you?'

 

Weird. I'm always attentive and affectionate toward her. Not sure what would make her feel that way or ask that.

[StanMusial]

As I stated earlier, we started out as FWBs. That was off and on for awhile. Then we sort of morphed into a normal couple in a normal relationship. We're talking about a period of two years.

 

I'm not in any way dependent on her. If we ended it tonight, I would shack up in hotel, and within a week or so I would have another place of my own. Living together is a luxury, and we're in sort of a unique living situation (hard to explain). Neither of us needs the other for anything.

 

Normal couple, normal relationship, in a unique situation that's hard to explain....

[No Limit]

And last night, she said 'You still like me, don't you?'

 

Weird. I'm always attentive and affectionate toward her. Not sure what would make her feel that way or ask that.

 

Perhaps she smelled the smoke.

Either way, their "friendship" will definitely end whatever you two had (also I'm pretty sure the only reason she hasn't asked you to move out is because she isn't sure of the other guy yet). Her last LTR revealed her selfishness? OP, you have basically all you need to know handled to you on a silver plate.

[RonaldS]

Perhaps she smelled the smoke.

Either way, their "friendship" will definitely end whatever you two had (also I'm pretty sure the only reason she hasn't asked you to move out is because she isn't sure of the other guy yet). Her last LTR revealed her selfishness? OP, you have basically all you need to know handled to you on a silver plate.

 

I'm confused. Seems to be the theme in this thread.

 

To clarify, she ended the relationship with her last guy because he was pretty selfish, immature, and gone half the year. They were still together for 13 years, so she doesn't seem to be quick to move on. She wasn't dating anybody and had not been for several months when we started hanging out (~7 mos after her break-up).

 

I feel that, if anything, she's not asking me to move out because I literally just moved in. That would be a dick move to ask somebody to move in with you only to boot that person out a month later.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by your first comment about her 'smelling smoke'.

[RonaldS]

Normal couple, normal relationship, in a unique situation that's hard to explain....

 

Ok, given a loose enough definition of 'normal', haha.

 

The living situation is difficult to explain because we would have to get into a bunch of financial stuff that's irrelevant.

[Gloria25]

What's the appeal here?

 

To me she sounds like an insecure flake, who likes male attention. I mean, her history speaks for itself. She likes more than one man vying for her attention, she likes to have more than one guy inside of her at a time, and is not a "one man woman".

 

I guess the appeal is the reverse psychology thing? You think you can make her want you alone?

 

Good luck with that...

[RonaldS]

What's the appeal here?

 

To me she sounds like an insecure flake, who likes male attention. I mean, her history speaks for itself. She likes more than one man vying for her attention, she likes to have more than one guy inside of her at a time, and is not a "one man woman".

 

Huh? Where are you getting that from?

[Toodaloo]

- women who make many male friends are not to be trusted [the reverse is also true]

 

Erm no.

 

Most of my friends are male.

 

My two closest friends are female.

 

I know of several males where the reverse is true. Its who they meet through work and social activities... nothing to do with wanting attention or looking to be unfaithful.

 

Its simply who you meet and spend time with.

 

Second point I can go with that.

 

Talk to her. Let her know how you feel. Do more with her.

 

This guy is a running partner. They run together and probably chat. She will probably asks him questions like "Oh Rons out of town and I want to do something nice with him when he gets back - what do you think?" - get the male perspective from a male...

[RonaldS]

 

Talk to her. Let her know how you feel. Do more with her.

 

This guy is a running partner. They run together and probably chat. She will probably asks him questions like "Oh Rons out of town and I want to do something nice with him when he gets back - what do you think?" - get the male perspective from a male...

 

I would like to believe that's the case. But it's not like I'm coming back home and she's doing all this nice stuff for me.

 

They're running partners but I know they've gotten drinks on a couple of occasions (that I know of), so it goes beyond chatting and running. And he will do things like call her to find out how her meetings went, so they talk enough that he knows her schedule and what she's doing.

 

Now, whether or not any of that means anything....who knows. Again, I have talked to her, and I just get the assurances that I would get a) if everything really was OK, or b) she's effing around with him and doesn't want me to know. See, the response is going to be the same...the trick is figuring out which is the case.

 

I would feel a lot less uneasy about this if there wasn't a corresponding lack of sex/intimacy.

 

We do things together....we go out, we travel when we can, days at the beach, etc. So it's not like there's any sort of attention neglect on my part. For almost two years, she let herself fall for me even though outwardly, I wasn't at the same level. I mean, I felt a lot of that stuff, but wasn't ready to commit to somebody. She let herself develop feelings despite that, and didn't really hide them. I think she knew it would make uncomfortable, so she wasn't super demonstrative (I think there have been a total of 4 'I love you's between us). But she did go there. Eventually I did, too.

 

And then as soon as I do, everything sort dies off and there's another guy lingering around? Haha, terrific.

[Natsu21]

I would like to believe that's the case. But it's not like I'm coming back home and she's doing all this nice stuff for me.

 

They're running partners but I know they've gotten drinks on a couple of occasions (that I know of), so it goes beyond chatting and running. And he will do things like call her to find out how her meetings went, so they talk enough that he knows her schedule and what she's doing.

 

Now, whether or not any of that means anything....who knows. Again, I have talked to her, and I just get the assurances that I would get a) if everything really was OK, or b) she's effing around with him and doesn't want me to know. See, the response is going to be the same...the trick is figuring out which is the case.

 

I would feel a lot less uneasy about this if there wasn't a corresponding lack of sex/intimacy.

 

We do things together....we go out, we travel when we can, days at the beach, etc. So it's not like there's any sort of attention neglect on my part. For almost two years, she let herself fall for me even though outwardly, I wasn't at the same level. I mean, I felt a lot of that stuff, but wasn't ready to commit to somebody. She let herself develop feelings despite that, and didn't really hide them. I think she knew it would make uncomfortable, so she wasn't super demonstrative (I think there have been a total of 4 'I love you's between us). But she did go there. Eventually I did, too.

 

And then as soon as I do, everything sort dies off and there's another guy lingering around? Haha, terrific.

 

So your sex life is waning, huh?

 

Big question is, is she wanting to hang with this dude more than you?

 

You came on here cause something didn't feel right. Wanna know what that is? Lost interest. She's losing interest in you, but her friend? While there isn't any full speed thing going on, I can guarantee you that any man with an attractive women, is going to pick up on the boredom vibes she's giving off about you and use that as his way of getting with her.

 

She's slowly becoming more interested in this guy(whether romantically or not, it's a cause for concern)

 

but you can't act on it without proof. So just closely observe. For instance, if she hides her phone, that's a red flag.

 

And you said she has a pattern of flaking? Newsflash, you aren't special.

 

Watch yourself. We may be wrong, but we all have a sixth sense for a reason.

[RonaldS]

So your sex life is waning, huh?

 

Big question is, is she wanting to hang with this dude more than you?

 

You came on here cause something didn't feel right. Wanna know what that is? Lost interest. She's losing interest in you, but her friend? While there isn't any full speed thing going on, I can guarantee you that any man with an attractive women, is going to pick up on the boredom vibes she's giving off about you and use that as his way of getting with her.

 

She's slowly becoming more interested in this guy(whether romantically or not, it's a cause for concern)

 

but you can't act on it without proof. So just closely observe. For instance, if she hides her phone, that's a red flag.

 

And you said she has a pattern of flaking? Newsflash, you aren't special.

 

Watch yourself. We may be wrong, but we all have a sixth sense for a reason.

 

I wouldn't say she wants to hang out with him more than me. I mean, we live together, so it wouldn't even be possible. And she doesn't do much with him when I'm in town (at least after 9:30 pm when we are both home for the evening. I have no idea what goes on during the day or before I get home).

 

But I am out of town a lot...at least 2 weekends a month. That leaves a lot of time for her to do whatever she wants without me having any idea. So, I'm not sure what they do, if anything. Or if everything. No idea. She has casually mentioned them having a couple drinks before, and I don't know the motivation for her to volunteer that information. I've had a million drinks with a million women where nothing ever happened and nothing ever was going to happen. I don't want to jump to conclusions here.

 

I never said she had a pattern of flaky behavior. She was in a 13 year relationship, and the guy she was with was out of the country for 5-6 months every year. I think they grew apart, and she was pretty lonely. She then hooked up with a guy a couple times on a trip. I can't remember, but I think she said she and her then boyfriend had broken up temporarily when this happened, and then got back together. I can't remember. But whatever it was, it happened at the end of their relationship and only happened that one time. So I wouldn't consider that a pattern. Seems like just a sh*tty relationship, and it ended the way it ended.

 

I don't know. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I feel like at this point I'm left to either be myself and do business as usual and whatever happens happens, or start looking for evidence....which is really not my thing.

 

And in this thread, some people are saying it's no big deal, and some are saying she's gone, so it's becoming even more confusing.

[Natsu21]

I wouldn't say she wants to hang out with him more than me. I mean, we live together, so it wouldn't even be possible. And she doesn't do much with him when I'm in town (at least after 9:30 pm when we are both home for the evening. I have no idea what goes on during the day or before I get home).

 

But I am out of town a lot...at least 2 weekends a month. That leaves a lot of time for her to do whatever she wants without me having any idea. So, I'm not sure what they do, if anything. Or if everything. No idea. She has casually mentioned them having a couple drinks before, and I don't know the motivation for her to volunteer that information. I've had a million drinks with a million women where nothing ever happened and nothing ever was going to happen. I don't want to jump to conclusions here.

 

I never said she had a pattern of flaky behavior. She was in a 13 year relationship, and the guy she was with was out of the country for 5-6 months every year. I think they grew apart, and she was pretty lonely. She then hooked up with a guy a couple times on a trip. I can't remember, but I think she said she and her then boyfriend had broken up temporarily when this happened, and then got back together. I can't remember. But whatever it was, it happened at the end of their relationship and only happened that one time. So I wouldn't consider that a pattern. Seems like just a sh*tty relationship, and it ended the way it ended.

 

I don't know. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I feel like at this point I'm left to either be myself and do business as usual and whatever happens happens, or start looking for evidence....which is really not my thing.

 

And in this thread, some people are saying it's no big deal, and some are saying she's gone, so it's becoming even more confusing.

 

The problem is that you don't trust her. Whether you're justified in that or not doesn't matter.

 

Trust is a big issue. Without it, relationships can and will crumble.

 

Either figure out a way to trust her, or break up. Because eventually, things WILL fall apart, and lemme tell you. If ol dude's single, your girlfriend will be , if she's not already, a target.

[RonaldS]

The problem is that you don't trust her. Whether you're justified in that or not doesn't matter.

 

Trust is a big issue. Without it, relationships can and will crumble.

 

Either figure out a way to trust her, or break up. Because eventually, things WILL fall apart, and lemme tell you. If ol dude's single, your girlfriend will be , if she's not already, a target.

 

I agree about the trust thing in general. I don't know that I have a trust issue with her. I mean, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, I'm assuming nothing is actually going on, and I'm not accusing her of anything. Even though I should and have every experiential reason to have trust issues, I tend not to. That being said, I'm not naive either.

 

As such, I wonder. The correlating diminish in not just sex but just affection in general, moving in with her and the presence of this guy does raise some questions in my mind. Is it coincidental, or are these things related?

 

I don't know much about this guy, but I do know that he is single. Some of his actions that I've been made aware of indicate interest on is part. She maintains that he isn't interested.

[Natsu21]

I agree about the trust thing in general. I don't know that I have a trust issue with her. I mean, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, I'm assuming nothing is actually going on, and I'm not accusing her of anything. Even though I should and have every experiential reason to have trust issues, I tend not to. That being said, I'm not naive either.

 

As such, I wonder. The correlating diminish in not just sex but just affection in general, moving in with her and the presence of this guy does raise some questions in my mind. Is it coincidental, or are these things related?

 

I don't know much about this guy, but I do know that he is single. Some of his actions that I've been made aware of indicate interest on is part. She maintains that he isn't interested.

 

Funny, my ex maintained the same.

 

she said dude wasn't interested and neither was she...but when he came onto the scene, she started talking to him more and less to me...

 

Before I knew it, she called for a break and two months later, broke up with me, but not before I snooped around and found out she had been cheating on me with said "friend"

 

He's interested. The fact that she maintains him when it's clear that he is is a red flag. It's either that she loves the attention or she's looking for her backup in case you don't work out.

 

If I were you, I'd start preparing for the "It's not you, it's me" speech.

[RonaldS]

Funny, my ex maintained the same.

 

she said dude wasn't interested and neither was she...but when he came onto the scene, she started talking to him more and less to me...

 

Before I knew it, she called for a break and two months later, broke up with me, but not before I snooped around and found out she had been cheating on me with said "friend"

 

He's interested. The fact that she maintains him when it's clear that he is is a red flag. It's either that she loves the attention or she's looking for her backup in case you don't work out.

 

If I were you, I'd start preparing for the "It's not you, it's me" speech.

 

Awww, man.....that sucks. Sorry to hear that.

 

It's crazy to think that we've been hanging out for almost 2 years, and she finally gets me to move in. Give up my place, that I liked, sell a bunch of my furniture, get settled in, and there's a possibility that she's moving in another direction. Uggghhhh. Seriously?

 

If that's how it works out, then I guess that sucks. Life is crazy. Doesn't make sense. She's been acting normal, other than the affection stuff. Weird.

[Minnie09]

Whether or not HE is interested in more, that's not even the point. So don't even ask her that. 1) You won't get an accurate answer. The only thing you'll get is "no he is not into me". 2) His motives aren't your concern. Hers are.

 

The point is, is SHE interested, or does she get a kick out of the extra attention and/or two+ guys fawning upon her? That's something only you can answer. You know her, and we don't. You know her personality.

 

All R are different. I am a fan of the truth, and if I am with someone, telling the truth is what I expect from my partner. If I ask him, if he finds XYZ attractive, I expect an honest answer. If she puts down her phone when you walk into a room while she's been texting in there, well......that's a sign that she's doing something that she wants to keep to herself. Question is why. I am assuming you're not a snooper, so you'll never find out. She might be just trying to make you jealous, who knows? There's some hidden agenda, for sure. All I know is that it's not a coincidence.

 

Sex life decreasing? Is she turing you down, or is she not initiating? Is she less affectionate?

[RonaldS]

Whether or not HE is interested in more, that's not even the point. So don't even ask her that. 1) You won't get an accurate answer. The only thing you'll get is "no he is not into me". 2) His motives aren't your concern. Hers are.

 

The point is, is SHE interested, or does she get a kick out of the extra attention and/or two+ guys fawning upon her? That's something only you can answer. You know her, and we don't. You know her personality.

 

All R are different. I am a fan of the truth, and if I am with someone, telling the truth is what I expect from my partner. If I ask him, if he finds XYZ attractive, I expect an honest answer. If she puts down her phone when you walk into a room while she's been texting in there, well......that's a sign that she's doing something that she wants to keep to herself. Question is why. I am assuming you're not a snooper, so you'll never find out. She might be just trying to make you jealous, who knows? There's some hidden agenda, for sure. All I know is that it's not a coincidence.

 

Sex life decreasing? Is she turing you down, or is she not initiating? Is she less affectionate?

 

She's not initiating anything. She used to be a big initiator. When I initiate, I get one of two responses: she's either really tired and has to get up early, or she thinks she's fat and therefore unnattractive. Her general affection level has dropped.

 

I'm always reassuring to her, and complimentary of her physically. I think she's beautiful and sexy, and I let her know that, both in words and actions. So, who knows if that's the truth and she really doesn't feel attractive. Maybe it's an excuse. I don't know.

 

You're right. I'm not a snooper. I'm not jealous and possessive. I'm not going to start digging around for proof or even start to go down that road. I will come here and ask questions and try to gain insight, but as far as she knows, I haven't reacted at all to this other guy. I'm a pretty good poker player. As far as she can tell, I couldn't care less about him.

 

In reality, I don't really care that much. By the same token, though, I would like to have the opportunity to live the life I want to live, and that life does not include sitting there like a sucker with my thumb up my ass while she has a relationship with another dude. If it's going to be that way, then let me go do my thing. But I think that's kind of the problem with getting her to let go of me. Same thing with my XW....she wouldn't let go, wouldn't file for divorce because, as she said it, 'I just can't the thought of you with another woman'. She and the current girl both know that if I'm out there on my own, there are all kinds of other girls out there. So they just hold on, I think.

[RonaldS]

Well, here's where we're at right now:

 

I've brought some concerns up (but avoiding bringing her new friend into the conversation). We've talked, and predictably, I've been told everything is fine. There has been a little bit of intimacy, but not much. We've both been busy and I've been gone here and there, so there hasn't been any improvement in anything.

 

The last 2 nights, she has gone to bed before I've gotten home (~9pm), and she's been really closed off and not wanting to talk. Says she stuck inside her head. I know better than to press her on this....it won't get me anywhere. She claims it's stuff at work, but won't elaborate. I sent a text this morning hoping that she's feeling better...no reply as of yet.

 

I guess I feel like she liked me more when she didn't 'have' me.