Regressing after the A?

[BrookeM]

Hi everyone!

 

 

I was in my A for a little over a year and a half. The emotional roller coaster I was on the entire time took a toll on everything in my life, but I never had the strength to break it off. The spontaneity of an inconsistent love hooked me and made me cycle over and over. In April after being together for over a year, MM told me he was leaving his wife. After a visit to the divorce attorney, lots of future faking on his behalf (he brought up wedding plans, should we try for kids, etc), and me lining up plans to get ready to be with him, he changed his mind. He said although he wasn't in love with his wife, he couldn't leave his kids (I want to mention I never asked him to leave his family or even suggested it. He shot my hopes sky-high on his own). I was devastated but being an endurance athlete for pain, I internalized the hurt and stayed with him. I had played around with the idea of moving away after the divorce back-down fiasco, but he begged me to stay. I put the idea of moving on the back burner.

 

 

Fast forward to July. After going all out for MM on his birthday, (his wife refused to spend it with him because they had gotten into a huge fight), he calls me two days later to tell me his wife went behind his back and booked a cruise to the Bahamas! And poor MM couldn't say no, as he had no excuse to say otherwise. I later found out (not from him) HE was the one who surprised HER with the trip! I was hurt and upset, I felt like I was being shot. Once I came to my senses, I decided enough was enough. The vacation he planned on taking with his wife (who he supposedly loathed and wasn't attracted to) was exactly what I needed to get out of dodge. I was hired at a new job, quit my old one, broke my lease, and moved four hours away to a larger, trendier, and more happening city (the small town I was in was beyond stale, and worse, MM lived right down the street from me). He was sad after I told him, but he wanted me to be happy and it was pretty much business as usual. He had asked me if we would stay in touch, and he jokingly said if I blocked him or changed my number he'd come find me. I laughed it off. He began taking a longer way home to avoid going past my house. He said it was because he was trying to get used to the idea of me being gone.

 

 

A week before I moved, things became different. All of the sudden he was "too busy" with work and home to spend time with me before I left (we were able to see each other almost every day throughout the duration of the A). I received a text from him a day before my movers arrived which said, "Sorry I haven't text, been busy with kids. But I have also been thinking about you. I know you're leaving and it's starting to hit me. I don't know what to say because it hurts in my chest. I wish you weren't leaving because I won't have my best friend and lover here anymore. It's not going to be the same without you." I replied that I was feeling extremely sad too, and I wished I knew what to say to make it easier. The next day, he became distant and aloof. I had reached out to him a few times in the days that led up to my move so I could see him to say goodbye. He had replied he was too busy or he couldn't. I knew he was blowing me off, and I wished he could have just saved me the wasted time and told me he didn't want to see me again. The last time I reached out, I received no reply. I was done with the run around and I sent another text which said, "Never mind. I won't ask to see you again." he replied right away, "Ok sorry I was still at work." I knew he wasn't. I didn't reply and we've been in NC ever since. It's been a month.

 

 

I'm now in my fresh, new city and settled into my new house. I've been going to counseling, staying busy, and enjoying the new excitement around me. I've even changed my attitude from, "I can't believe he callously disposed of me in the end" to "I'm so lucky he FREED me before I left!" And I've been doing pretty well until lately. For the past few days, I haven't been able to get him off my mind. He's been in my thoughts and I see him in my dreams. I try to gently remind myself it will get better, and that it's normal to feel the loss of someone who was a big part of my life. I think back to how big of a douchebag he really was, how exhausting it was to do all the giving while he did all the taking, that he is a self-centered narcissist who never truly cared about me, despite the times we was oh-so-charming, etc. But for some reason, I've began thinking about him again. I'm not worried about him hoovering one day - I'm certain he's recommitted himself to his wife (or maybe a new AP) now that I'm out of the picture. He has nothing to gain by me not living in his backyard anymore. Has anyone ever experienced a sudden regression after a breakup with their MM? What are some helpful tips to push past romanticizing an unhealthy, highly toxic relationship? I don't know why I was doing so well and now I'm not! Thank you for any and all advice.

[thekid36]

Hi everyone!

 

 

I was in my A for a little over a year and a half. The emotional roller coaster I was on the entire time took a toll on everything in my life, but I never had the strength to break it off. The spontaneity of an inconsistent love hooked me and made me cycle over and over. In April after being together for over a year, MM told me he was leaving his wife. After a visit to the divorce attorney, lots of future faking on his behalf (he brought up wedding plans, should we try for kids, etc), and me lining up plans to get ready to be with him, he changed his mind. He said although he wasn't in love with his wife, he couldn't leave his kids (I want to mention I never asked him to leave his family or even suggested it. He shot my hopes sky-high on his own). I was devastated but being an endurance athlete for pain, I internalized the hurt and stayed with him. I had played around with the idea of moving away after the divorce back-down fiasco, but he begged me to stay. I put the idea of moving on the back burner.

 

 

Fast forward to July. After going all out for MM on his birthday, (his wife refused to spend it with him because they had gotten into a huge fight), he calls me two days later to tell me his wife went behind his back and booked a cruise to the Bahamas! And poor MM couldn't say no, as he had no excuse to say otherwise. I later found out (not from him) HE was the one who surprised HER with the trip! I was hurt and upset, I felt like I was being shot. Once I came to my senses, I decided enough was enough. The vacation he planned on taking with his wife (who he supposedly loathed and wasn't attracted to) was exactly what I needed to get out of dodge. I was hired at a new job, quit my old one, broke my lease, and moved four hours away to a larger, trendier, and more happening city (the small town I was in was beyond stale, and worse, MM lived right down the street from me). He was sad after I told him, but he wanted me to be happy and it was pretty much business as usual. He had asked me if we would stay in touch, and he jokingly said if I blocked him or changed my number he'd come find me. I laughed it off. He began taking a longer way home to avoid going past my house. He said it was because he was trying to get used to the idea of me being gone.

 

 

A week before I moved, things became different. All of the sudden he was "too busy" with work and home to spend time with me before I left (we were able to see each other almost every day throughout the duration of the A). I received a text from him a day before my movers arrived which said, "Sorry I haven't text, been busy with kids. But I have also been thinking about you. I know you're leaving and it's starting to hit me. I don't know what to say because it hurts in my chest. I wish you weren't leaving because I won't have my best friend and lover here anymore. It's not going to be the same without you." I replied that I was feeling extremely sad too, and I wished I knew what to say to make it easier. The next day, he became distant and aloof. I had reached out to him a few times in the days that led up to my move so I could see him to say goodbye. He had replied he was too busy or he couldn't. I knew he was blowing me off, and I wished he could have just saved me the wasted time and told me he didn't want to see me again. The last time I reached out, I received no reply. I was done with the run around and I sent another text which said, "Never mind. I won't ask to see you again." he replied right away, "Ok sorry I was still at work." I knew he wasn't. I didn't reply and we've been in NC ever since. It's been a month.

 

 

I'm now in my fresh, new city and settled into my new house. I've been going to counseling, staying busy, and enjoying the new excitement around me. I've even changed my attitude from, "I can't believe he callously disposed of me in the end" to "I'm so lucky he FREED me before I left!" And I've been doing pretty well until lately. For the past few days, I haven't been able to get him off my mind. He's been in my thoughts and I see him in my dreams. I try to gently remind myself it will get better, and that it's normal to feel the loss of someone who was a big part of my life. I think back to how big of a douchebag he really was, how exhausting it was to do all the giving while he did all the taking, that he is a self-centered narcissist who never truly cared about me, despite the times we was oh-so-charming, etc. But for some reason, I've began thinking about him again. I'm not worried about him hoovering one day - I'm certain he's recommitted himself to his wife (or maybe a new AP) now that I'm out of the picture. He has nothing to gain by me not living in his backyard anymore. Has anyone ever experienced a sudden regression after a breakup with their MM? What are some helpful tips to push past romanticizing an unhealthy, highly toxic relationship? I don't know why I was doing so well and now I'm not! Thank you for any and all advice.

 

 

Any thoughts which revolve around this man will only keep you moving backward. You will be revolving around in colossal circles all of the time. The main goal you need to have is moving forward. Even if that process takes some time. Nothing worth it can be completely rushed anyway. You never would have had what you wanted with him because he is not even available. Wanted you around only when it was convenient for him. No matter how nicely he put it. Nor, with what fancy words. As something fun for him on the side. Tries to then turn it back on you. Wants you basically feeling badly for him not being able to be around all of the time. Knowing that your guilt will only help his own selfish cause. That you will not be able to stay away. You are worth more than this.

[BrookeM]

Any thoughts which revolve around this man will only keep you moving backward. You will be revolving around in colossal circles all of the time. The main goal you need to have is moving forward. Even if that process takes some time. Nothing worth it can be completely rushed anyway. You never would have had what you wanted with him because he is not even available. Wanted you around only when it was convenient for him. No matter how nicely he put it. Nor, with what fancy words. As something fun for him on the side. Tries to then turn it back on you. Wants you basically feeling badly for him not being able to be around all of the time. Knowing that your guilt will only help his own selfish cause. That you will not be able to stay away. You are worth more than this.

 

That's very true. I guess I was blindsided by how well I was doing ("Pink Clouding" maybe) then I sort of hit a wall. My therapist said it's going to take a while to recover from the emotional abuse but I'm on the right path. I guess I'm hoping there's some way to soften my reaction to the occasional triggers. Hopefully time WILL heal all.

[2sunny]

If you focus on how much he lies- it may be easier to heal while realizing he only presented an "illusion" so you would believe him.

 

Realizing how much he lies (a LOT) may make it easier to understand you deserve a man with integrity.

 

Never settle, you deserve the best!

[thekid36]

That's very true. I guess I was blindsided by how well I was doing ("Pink Clouding" maybe) then I sort of hit a wall. My therapist said it's going to take a while to recover from the emotional abuse but I'm on the right path. I guess I'm hoping there's some way to soften my reaction to the occasional triggers. Hopefully time WILL heal all.

 

 

No rush when it comes to something this important. Have to heal at your own pace. No one else was actually in the situation on these boards other than you. Just does not sound like he ever had your best interest at heart here. Still with his other half. Whether he wants to be or not. Always going to be some sort of excuse with why he possibly cannot leave. Some would say staying for the kids is a good one. That it makes him a magnificent father. I say that he is a complete coward for getting involved with you in the first place. Only cares about what he wants. Needs to have his cake and eat it too. You should be sensitive to his side of it. What a crock of crap. Cannot cope and be happy so he needs to try screwing up someone else and her life too. Don't let this man cause you one more moment of thought. You are much healthier and happier without him. Even thoughts is a way of him having control over you. Do not even give him this specific satisfaction.

[DKT3]

I dont think it matters what kind of relationship it is. When I was married and my wife started to show signs of cheating my desire to believe her allowed me to over look her actions and believe her words. Once I started putting my focus on her actions it was clear that I had to get out.

 

Start focusing on how he actually treated you and not what he was saying. It makes a world of difference.

 

Good luck to you in restarting, sounds exciting for you, don't let him take that away.

[BrookeM]

I dont think it matters what kind of relationship it is. When I was married and my wife started to show signs of cheating my desire to believe her allowed me to over look her actions and believe her words. Once I started putting my focus on her actions it was clear that I had to get out.

Start focusing on how he actually treated you and not what he was saying. It makes a world of difference.

 

Good luck to you in restarting, sounds exciting for you, don't let him take that away.

 

You're absolutely right. He always talked a really good game (not to mention he loved hearing the sound of his own voice), and rarely followed through with any action. Also, you're right about not allowing him to take this new found excitement away from me. I moved across state lines to get out of my old neighborhood and away from the affair. Sometimes my mind runs just runs away. I have to start being more strict on distracting myself when I notice I'm dwelling.

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Hey BrookeM! Now that I read your story and wow. I must say...I would of been wondering too from everyday affection to distant. In fact one year I remember my MM shut his phone off I could tell by the messages...turned out he was with the family. I should of walked a long time ago. I compare yours to mine its very similiar. I even wonder about the divorce paper I seen but realize...it means nothing really. It can be taken back. Like you I wonder about him..alot more so since he finally stopped bugging me. I wrote myself a hurtful letter. How he hurt me and how he continued to make me 2nd. I keep it on my phone to remind myself. We are better off...we do miss..but we are better off.

[Poppy47]

To address your original question.... I often have periods of time when I think of xMM. It might be triggered by anything or nothing.

Not once since I resolved to get him out of my life, regressed into wanting him back. Once I did that, he was gone for good.

 

DKT 3 makes a very good point.It's what somebody does rather than what they say. If they say you are their heart and soul, yet cannot be with you when you are in desperate need, or ill, it means very little.

 

I had a few sessions with a good counsellor who does hypnosis. It has broken the cycle of weakening and going back .

 

You will be good Brooke. The more time and distance you put between you and him the better. One day, you won't even think of him.

Poppy.