TheGuard13 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Just want some opinions on this. I'm 31. I became engaged in July. Recently, an 18 year old girl that I know through social groups/projects has been talking to me on Facebook. Not long conversations, but she has attempted to flirt a little bit the last few weeks, sort of testing boundaries, etc. She and my fiancée are currently involved in a project with myself and several others, and I didn't want to confront this girl about her "advances", which are anything but obvious, and which I found to be rather harmless. I didn't want to create unnecessary drama among our group, and take focus off the project. My fiancée meanwhile, gained access to my Facebook account while her friend was working on my broken computer and "accidentally" noticed a comment I made on Facebook that wasn't related to this. He then provided her with more info about other people I'd been talking to on Facebook (not flirting with, just talking to). That's a whole other issue. But basically, now my fiancée is accusing me of having an emotional affair with this girl, even though I haven't really shared any really personal information, flirted with her, etc. She feels that since this girl likes me, that because I have kept talking to her, even in a friendly fashion, and didn't "shut it down", that this is me engaging in an emotional affair. While I obviously didn't handle this as well as I could have, I think that's a bit much. I understand how she could be concerned about the situation, as this girl is definitely crushing on me. I have provided my fiancee with full access to our conversations, etc, and there's really nothing there that should worry her. The girl is definitely flirting, but I am generally either ignoring her "advances", changing the subject, etc. Since this came to light, the girl and I have had the "Inappropriate contact" talk. I honestly wasn't seeking to encourage her in any way, other than talking to her, period, which apparently IS encouraging her. Lesson learned there. I don't know...I guess I never really figured you had to do anything other than ignore when someone "batted their eyes" at you if you weren't going to return the sentiment. Just curious what people's thoughts are on the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 grow up... you'll never be 18 again even if you have sex with her. If you are a man give up on the engagement, and tell her your not interested in her. obviously you are looking elsewhere or thinking about it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Why would you continue talking to her? Ego-boost? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 I've got to side with your fiancee on this one - the private chats were not cool, given how this girl feels about you. You knew that and continued to engage her. Why? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheGuard13 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 Because I didn't know that. I thought she was an 18 year old being an 18 year old. Like I said, lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Like I said, lesson learned. Well, in that case just apologize to your fiancee and block the girl. If you do that, I think she should be able to accept it and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Next time block at the first sign, or directly/aggressively shut them off. I'll just hope your fiancee isn't the type to break things off over misunderstandings like this one... Link to post Share on other sites
Emren Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 @TheGuard13 I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing tension in your relationship with your fiancé. I commend you for being open and honest with her. In my experience, open communication is always the best way to go. I would encourage you both to establish boundaries to protect your relationship. It sounds like overall you’re on the right track. Blessings! ~ Emren 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 At the very least when you talk to or chat with the 18 year old, mention your FI frequently in the conversation. For example, if the 18 year old likes something on your FB page, you write back: glad you like it, so does my FI. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Easyguy14 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Because I didn't know that. I thought she was an 18 year old being an 18 year old. Like I said, lesson learned. If she's really 18. I think most men get flattered by such attention and this goes vice-versa with such women/girls. The minute you knew she was into you this girl should've gone on ignore if you were serious about it. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 You enjoyed the ego boost you got from an 18 year old hitting on you, let it go on a little too long and now have to endure an earned beating from your fiance. I'm sure on some level the fact you got hit on by an 18 year old is a turn on for her though. Good experience all around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheGuard13 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 I see some posters here have a direct window into my mind...I guess I expected that but...eh. I don't know what "engage her" means. Sounds a little too dramatic and cold for me, to be honest. I talk to her occasionally, usually when she initiates contact. She's a human being and we have similar interests, including a specific project we're working on together. That's about the long and the short of it on my end. As far as being flattered, I tend to enjoy female attention period, like many men, but if anything, I'm LESS flattered with this girl because she's 18. Because...she's 18. They crush on anything, don't they? Putting someone on ignore or blocking someone because they like you just seems cruel and overdramatic to me. Especially if they're not harassing you. Like I said, this is more about my fiancée's interpretation of all this and less about this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Putting someone on ignore or blocking someone because they like you just seems cruel and overdramatic to me. Especially if they're not harassing you. Like I said, this is more about my fiancée's interpretation of all this and less about this girl. I thought you said that you had learnt your lesson? Doesn't sound like it... Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Because...she's 18. They crush on anything, don't they? I'm 18 years old and don't crush on everything. Although I'm starting to believe I'm some sort of super-human being for using my brain instead of just dropping my panties and then try to use whatever scraps of brain is left. Link to post Share on other sites
Jules Dash Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I think you are going to have a very hard time convincing anyone that you were innocently engaging an 18 year old in a harmless way as you can see by the replies. Your fiance had to discover it herself. You couldn't discuss it with her even though she knows the girl because maybe you did not want it to stop. You will never be able to make this look clean. You had your ego boost. Move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I'm 31. I became engaged in July. Recently, an 18 year old girl that I know through social groups/projects has been talking to me on Facebook. Not long conversations, but she has attempted to flirt a little bit the last few weeks, sort of testing boundaries, etc. She and my fiancée are currently involved in a project with myself and several others, and I didn't want to confront this girl about her "advances", which are anything but obvious, and which I found to be rather harmless. I didn't want to create unnecessary drama among our group, and take focus off the project. I don't think telling her "hey I have a gf stop flirting" would cause drama. Also if this girl knows your fiance..then doesn't she know you guys are together? Yet..she still flirts with you? Yes you probably should of nipped this in the butt right away. My fiancée meanwhile, gained access to my Facebook account while her friend was working on my broken computer and "accidentally" noticed a comment I made on Facebook that wasn't related to this. He then provided her with more info about other people I'd been talking to on Facebook (not flirting with, just talking to). How did she gain access to your Facebook? How does she just "accidentally" notice a comment? Prior to this you hadn't actually given her a legit reason to snoop. Also I see a red flag here..this friend of hers who was fixing your computer, you called him a "he" so obviously this is a male friend. So..I find it weird her "friend" just decides to suddenly give her all this info about people you have been talking to on Facebook. A paranoid person might think this guy was doing it to break you guys up or something? But basically, now my fiancée is accusing me of having an emotional affair with this girl, even though I haven't really shared any really personal information, flirted with her, etc. She feels that since this girl likes me, that because I have kept talking to her, even in a friendly fashion, and didn't "shut it down", that this is me engaging in an emotional affair. While I obviously didn't handle this as well as I could have, I think that's a bit much. I agree I don't view it as an emotional affair, but it was definitely not appropriate. I understand how she could be concerned about the situation, as this girl is definitely crushing on me. I have provided my fiancee with full access to our conversations, etc, and there's really nothing there that should worry her. The girl is definitely flirting, but I am generally either ignoring her "advances", changing the subject, etc. Since this came to light, the girl and I have had the "Inappropriate contact" talk. I honestly wasn't seeking to encourage her in any way, other than talking to her, period, which apparently IS encouraging her. Lesson learned there. I don't know...I guess I never really figured you had to do anything other than ignore when someone "batted their eyes" at you if you weren't going to return the sentiment. I think you should more or less cut all contact with this 18 yr. old. I realize you said you are working on a project with her and a group of people..but from now on you should probably have the other people in the group talk to her and you should just stay away. With that said, I think you are overall doing the right thing..in the sense of telling this girl to knock it off and also giving your fiance access to your Facebook and stuff. I think your fiance will eventually get over it..as long as you do some groveling and don't repeat this behavior. Though I still would be curious about her "friend" that just so happened to give her access to your Facebook. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 As far as marriage is concerned: You are NOT prepared. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 Because...she's 18. They crush on anything, don't they? Right. I always thought 18 year olds had functioning brains but I suppose the only thing they can think with is their genitalia. My bad, good thing you cleared that up. All your posts blame this girl. However it takes two to tango. I think you're equally at fault for engaging with her, you could have easily ignored her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
4yearstomuch Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 Having been in your girlfriends shoes just 13 days ago, I totally know how she feels right now. My situation was much worse than just a Facebook conversation but trust me it doesn't dull the pain for her. Like the others said, you enjoyed the ego boost. As I'm sure my ex fiancé did with his 10 year younger girl. But the only way to prove yourself to her, is to readily be willing to cut all contact with this girl. It was a good first step that you opened your Facebook to her. My fiancé never did that until I demanded it. Had he done that I may have never suspected what I did. So bravo for that. But now you have to block her from Facebook completely, block her from your phone and tell your fiancé you are doing this. Apologize, claim it was innocent and be open with her about the reasons. Expect her to be angry and hurt for awhile. She will go through a lot of emotions such as bouncing between anger, love and everything in between. Ultimately I believe you two will make it through this. Just expect it to take a bit. Earn back her trust. Reassure her you love her and I'm sure all will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
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