the instigator Posted February 17, 2001 Share Posted February 17, 2001 WHEN YOU DON"T WANT THE ONE WHO WANTS YOU Mary was a friend I met at work. And although our relationship was temporary (like the job!), one conversation we shared will stay with me forever. It took place just before Mary left on a two-week vacation. I asked where she was going ot spend her time off. "First, I'm going upstate to meet Charles's parent," she reported without enthusiasm. "After a few days, the two of us will catch a flight to the Bahamas" "You're what?" I choked. "But Mary, I thought you couldn't stand Charles!" My friend shrugged. "I can't - but that doesn't mean I want to hurt his feelings." I speak to hundreds of men and women every year, and the variations I've heard on the "I-don't-love-him-but-I-can't-leave-him" theme are endless. Even my seminars - which I've geared specifically to people who are unattached - are teeming with men and women who simply cannot make the break: men who stay because they "don't like to see women cry"; women who string men along until someone better appears; and singles of both sexes who can't take rejection - and can't dish it out, either. You may feel that you have "good reasons" for keeping the wrong company. But are those reasons so good? Not if you want to be fair to yourself - and a good friend to your partner! Tying yourself to an inappropriate relationship not only puts you in bondage, but it keeps your partner from seeking a more compatible mate. While you may convince yourself that you're doing him or her a favor by delaying the inevitable, in reality your procrastination is wasting two people's time making two people unavailable to others, and keeping both of you from attracting more suitable companionship. Don't settle for crumbs when you can have the whole loaf! I know that rejecting others isn't easy. Doing it with grace requires courage and skill. As for the skill, the techniques I outline below will help. They enable you to say 'no' nicely but firmly, to be kind to yourself, and to stay on the good side of your soon-to-be ex. So how do you unload a relationship that isn't working without taking on a load of guilt? USE "I" MESSAGES. Beginning every sentence of your adieu speech with the word "you" (as in, "You just aren't right for me," or "You just can't keep quiet duringa movie and it drives me crazy!") places the blame for the failed relationship squarely on your partner's shoulders - and that makes for hurt feelings. Since you are the one who has diagnosed the incompatability, it is important that you admit your feelings and take responsibility for your actions. Make a conscious effort to use "I" messages, such as, "I feel we have nothing in common," or "I'm not looking for commitment right now." Although I can't promise that this technique will make the situation painless, it will leave your partner's ego intact. And that will help any residual wounds to heal faster. TO BE SWEET, BUT BRIEF. If you've ever been on the receiving end of a breakup speech that turned into a historical analysis of your sins, failures, and inadequacies (and who hasn't?) you'll understand the merciful intent behind tihs suggestion. Keep your "no"s simple and to the point. and for heaven's sake, stay in the here and now. Simply say, "I feel ____" and move on. CUSHION THE BLOW by saying something positive before or after you drop the bombshell. It'll make the impact of your message that much more bearable. Can't think of anything nice to say to that creep who monopolized the shank of your evening - or the best years of your life? Then think back to what intrigued you about that person in the first place. Say, for instance, "I love the way you express your ideas, but I really feel we're not connecting." REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON'S REACTION. It can be very difficult to disengage from someone else's pain - particularly if that someone has been an important part of your life. But breaking off means separating yourself physically and emotionally from a relationship that's unfulfilling. Until you do, neither of you will be able to move on to more productive liaisons. Your partner's tears can't wash away the reasons for your unhappiness. And your partner's arguments will never rationalize the basis for your decision out of existence. If the going gets tough, remind yourself that a relationship gone wrong can't always be righted. And don't allow your determination to crumble. That merely buys time - and it doesn't take long for an inappropriate relationship to become even more unpleasant, perhaps even destructive. ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL NOT BE UNIVERSALLY LOVED. In your fantasies, you may be the darling of every man, woman and child, and beast that ever walked, crawled, or slitheredon the Earth. In reality, even Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Julie Andrews have their detractors. SO why go on beating yourself up and putting yourself down for not winning the unconditional admiration of everyone you meet? Doing what you have to do - even if you take great pains to do it gently - will bring you more flak than appreciation. The only consolation is that doing what everyone else wants you to do will generally work out the same way! If your decision is to end a liaison leaves your partner with bad feelings about you, so be it. Time will tell whether that animosity will eventually pass. Meanwhile, you have every reason to feel good about your honesty, your empathy, and your future. CLOSE THE CONVERSATION WITH KINDNESS. I don't believe that there's ever a good reason to add insult to injury by treating others with rudeness, sarcasm, or hostility. As the song says, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do." Working out your unresolved anger in the last ten minutes you spend together just makes it harder. Deliver your message clearly but with empathy. If you're sorry about the way the relationship is ending, say so. If not, at least let your ex know that you empathize with his or her pain. WHEN YOU DON"T WANT THE ONE WHO WANTS YOU Mary was a friend I met at work. And although our relationship was temporary (like the job!), one conversation we shared will stay with me forever. It took place just before Mary left on a two-week vacation. I asked where she was going ot spend her time off. "First, I'm going upstate to meet Charles's parent," she reported without enthusiasm. "After a few days, the two of us will catch a flight to the Bahamas" "You're what?" I choked. "But Mary, I thought you couldn't stand Charles!" My friend shrugged. "I can't - but that doesn't mean I want to hurt his feelings." I speak to hundreds of men and women every year, and the variations I've heard on the "I-don't-love-him-but-I-can't-leave-him" theme are endless. Even my seminars - which I've geared specifically to people who are unattached - are teeming with men and women who simply cannot make the break: men who stay because they "don't like to see women cry"; women who string men along until someone better appears; and singles of both sexes who can't take rejection - and can't dish it out, either. You may feel that you have "good reasons" for keeping the wrong company. But are those reasons so good? Not if you want to be fair to yourself - and a good friend to your partner! Tying yourself to an inappropriate relationship not only puts you in bondage, but it keeps your partner from seeking a more compatible mate. While you may convince yourself that you're doing him or her a favor by delaying the inevitable, in reality your procrastination is wasting two people's time (Gayle - in our case, three), making two people unavailable to others, and keeping both of you from attracting more suitable companionship. Don't settle for crumbs when you can have the whole loaf! I know that rejecting others isn't easy. Doing it with grace requires courage and skill. As for the skill, the techniques I outline below will help. They enable you to say 'no' nicely but firmly, to be kind to yourself, and to stay on the good side of your soon-to-be ex. So how do you unload a relationship that isn't working without taking on a load of guilt? USE "I" MESSAGES. Beginning every sentence of your adieu speech with the word "you" (as in, "You just aren't right for me," or "You just can't keep quiet duringa movie and it drives me crazy!") places the blame for the failed relationship squarely on your partner's shoulders - and that makes for hurt feelings. Since you are the one who has diagnosed the incompatability, it is important that you admit your feelings and take responsibility for your actions. Make a conscious effort to use "I" messages, such as, "I feel we have nothing in common," or "I'm not looking for commitment right now." Although I can't promise that this technique will make the situation painless, it will leave your partner's ego intact. And that will help any residual wounds to heal faster. TO BE SWEET, BUT BRIEF. If you've ever been on the receiving end of a breakup speech that turned into a historical analysis of your sins, failures, and inadequacies (and who hasn't?) you'll understand the merciful intent behind tihs suggestion. Keep your "no"s simple and to the point. and for heaven's sake, stay in the here and now. Simply say, "I feel ____" and move on. CUSHION THE BLOW by saying something positive before or after you drop the bombshell. It'll make the impact of your message that much more bearable. Can't think of anything nice to say to that creep who monopolized the shank of your evening - or the best years of your life? Then think back to what intrigued you about that person in the first place. Say, for instance, "I love the way you express your ideas, but I really feel we're not connecting." REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON'S REACTION. It can be very difficult to disengage from someone else's pain - particularly if that someone has been an important part of your life. But breaking off means separating yourself physically and emotionally from a relationship that's unfulfilling. Until you do, neither of you will be able to move on to more productive liaisons. Your partner's tears can't wash away the reasons for your unhappiness. And your partner's arguments will never rationalize the basis for your decision out of existence. If the going gets tough, remind yourself that a relationship gone wrong can't always be righted. And don't allow your determination to crumble. That merely buys time - and it doesn't take long for an inappropriate relationship to become even more unpleasant, perhaps even destructive. ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL NOT BE UNIVERSALLY LOVED. In your fantasies, you may be the darling of every man, woman and child, and beast that ever walked, crawled, or slitheredon the Earth. In reality, even Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Julie Andrews have their detractors. SO why go on beating yourself up and putting yourself down for not winning the unconditional admiration of everyone you meet? Doing what you have to do - even if you take great pains to do it gently - will bring you more flak than appreciation. The only consolation is that doing what everyone else wants you to do will generally work out the same way! If your decision is to end a liaison leaves your partner with bad feelings about you, so be it. Time will tell whether that animosity will eventually pass. Meanwhile, you have every reason to feel good about your honesty, your empathy, and your future. CLOSE THE CONVERSATION WITH KINDNESS. I don't believe that there's ever a good reason to add insult to injury by treating others with rudeness, sarcasm, or hostility. As the song says, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do." Working out your unresolved anger in the last ten minutes you spend together just makes it harder. Deliver your message clearly but with empathy. If you're sorry about the way the relationship is ending, say so. If not, at least let your ex know that you empathize with his or her pain. Link to post Share on other sites
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